Descent
by milk3002
Summary: Alex and Olivia are enjoying the perks of their relationship, but a case threatens the bond that they've worked so hard to build.  Slightly AU, in that in this story, "Loss" never happened. Warning: Character rape in Chapter 11.
1. Chapter 1

_First attempt at SVU-verse, but will keep trying. I appreciate any feedback, so thanks in advance for any reviews. If there's interest, I'll definitely keep it going._

_(We all know this belongs to the Law & Order gurus and Dick Wolf.)_

* * *

><p>"Want to grab a drink?"<p>

Olivia raised her head from the file that held her attention, its contents splayed across the surface of her desk. She smiled as the blonde attorney looked down at her, one hand resting on her hip. "One drink?" the detective asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex laughed softly. "I promise. One drink."

Olivia nodded her head. "One drink, then," she replied, watching as the lithe attorney gave an assertive nod before turning toward the hallway. Alex flipped her hand up and gave a backwards wave. "See you in a few, Olivia."

Olivia sighed, leaning back into her chair. She couldn't help but smirk. _One drink_, she thought, _is all we can handle lately before heading to Alex's apartment._

"Hey Olivia," Elliot called, walking into the precinct. "I'm headed out." He looked at the file contents strewn upon her desk as he picked up his coat jacket from the back of his chair. "You staying?"

"No," Olivia shook her head, placing the papers carefully into the file folder. "I was just finishing up the paperwork from that Hill Street case. I'll leave with you."

"Got a date?" Elliot asked, hiding a smile.

Olivia gave him a sly look as she flicked her computer off. "What makes you think that?"

"I just saw Cabot leave, too. With a smile on her face."

"We're grabbing a drink," Olivia responded nonchalantly, grabbing her coat and slipping it on.

Elliot nodded. "Right," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "I know how that'll end."

Olivia rolled her eyes at him and gave him a playful punch on the shoulder as she whisked past him. He grinned and followed her out into the hallway. "At least you'll be in a good mood tomorrow!" he called.

* * *

><p>"See," Alex said, huskily, as her fingers delved underneath Olivia's sweater to graze the taut skin underneath. "I told you, one drink."<p>

"Yes," Olivia breathed, her lips grazing Alex's neck. "You're a very cheap date."

Alex's hand reached up and grasped Olivia's short, dark locks, pulling lightly, tilting her head up. "I believe I paid for the drinks tonight," she said, curling her lips into a grin.

Olivia placed her hands on the attorney's hips and lifted her onto the kitchen counter, sliding in between her legs and running her hand down the blonde's thigh and underneath her skirt. "Then I guess I owe you one," she said, using her free hand to pop open the first several buttons on Alex's blouse. She ran her thumb lightly across one nipple.

Alex pushed her hands softly against Olivia's shoulders, causing the brunette to look up at her. "Why is it we never get past the kitchen?" she asked. Olivia let out a small laugh.

Alex slid gracefully off the counter and leaned into the detective, placing a lingering kiss on her lips. "Let me give you a formal tour," she whispered, taking Olivia by the hand and leading her through a small hallway into the living room. "Living room," she gave an exaggerated flourish, as she flipped on a low lamp.

"Wow, Alex, I like." Olivia took a seat on the couch and took a look around the room. Her eyes lingered on several pictures that sat on a nearby end table, one of Alex and her parents standing on an overlook, probably somewhere in Greece. Olivia gawked at the next picture. "Is that Liz Donnelly?" she asked.

Alex nodded. "Her and my mother, yeah. They were close."

"I had no idea," Olivia said. "Is that why she's always riding you harder than any of the other ADAs?"

Alex nodded again. "Probably because she's used to how stubborn I can be. And, after my mother died, she's been helpful."

Olivia nodded. "Still doesn't mean she rides you any less."

Alex chuckled. "No, it doesn't." She reached for Olivia's hand. "Tour's not over," she said, with a smile, pulling her up.

Olivia stood, placing another kiss on Alex's lips. "With a place this large, this tour could take awhile," she said, her lips moving closer to Alex's ear.

"Ahh," Alex murmured, as Olivia's lips traveled down her neck. "That's why I'll be expediting your tour." She grasped Olivia's hand. "Follow me."

Olivia walked slowly behind the taller woman, taking in the sculptures and artwork that adorned the attorney's home. The place was immaculate, from what Olivia could tell. She glanced into what she assumed was Alex's office, gleamed from the open law volumes and folders scattered across the desk. Alex pulled her into a bedroom at the end of the hallway. "Last stop," she said, turning around to face the brunette.

"Lovely tour," Olivia said, sliding the button-up blouse off of Alex's shoulders. It fell to the floor and Alex wasted little time in fumbling with the belt buckle on Olivia's pants. The detective wrapped her arms around the blonde and unclasped her bra effortlessly, skimming her fingers over Alex's shoulders as she let the garment fall to the floor on top of the blouse. As Alex jerked down the zipper to the detective's slacks, Olivia felt her phone vibrate violently against her hip. Olivia paused and sighed heavily, resting her forehead against Alex's. The blonde moaned and placed a quick kiss on the crown of Olivia's head. "Duty calls," she sighed, plucking Olivia's phone out of its holster and handing it over.

Olivia answered and the vibrations ceased. "Benson," she said, leaning away from the blonde, but keeping a firm hand on her back, keeping her in place. "Yeah. They taking her in? I'll head to the hospital. I got it." She clicked her phone off and looked up at Alex. "I gotta catch this," she said, apologetically.

"Go," Alex said, placing a kiss on the detectives pursed lips. "I'll see you tomorrow. Be careful."

Olivia nodded, and she gave Alex's hip a squeeze before heading for the bedroom door. "Thanks for the drink," she said. Alex smiled after her. "You owe me one!" she called as she heard the detective slide out the apartment door..

* * *

><p>Olivia walked into the emergency room and flashed her badge at the night nurse that sat behind an intake window. "Special Victims Unit, I'm looking for a middle-aged woman who was brought in about twenty minutes ago."<p>

The nurse nodded, and pointed down the hallway. "She's in the operating room at the moment, but you can wait down the hallway. There are a couple of officers there."

Olivia nodded her thanks and pocketed her badge, walking briskly down the hallway. She spotted two blue uniforms leaning against a counter. They straightened as they saw Olivia. The taller one straightened as Olivia approached them, and he extended his hand. "Oliver," he said.

Benson grasped his hand and gave him a firm shake. "Benson, SVU. What do we got?"

Oliver crossed his arms across his chest. "My partner Sullivan and I got the call around 10:05, neighbor called in a disturbance, directing us to 2nd and 7th, the Westbury Apartments."

Olivia nodded. "Right, on the East Side."

"We got there, knocked, no answer, heard sounds of a struggle. We hit our way in, found a woman in the bedroom, beaten within an inch of her life. Window was open, we figure the perp entered and fled through there."

"Was she conscious?" Olivia asked.

"No," answered the shorter cop, Sullivan. "She was naked, blood was everywhere. Definitely a struggle in there before we got there."

Olivia nodded again. "Her name?"

"Jessica Flanagan," the shorter partner responded.

Surprise flashed through Olivia's eyes. "Jessica Flanagan?" she confirmed.

"Yeah. That's what her drivers license said." He looked at Olivia. "Why? You know her?"

Olivia shook her head. "Not personally, no. She's a spokeswoman for the ACLU. I've seen her in the paper once or twice."

"Huh," the taller one replied, then took a look at his watch. "If you got this, Benson, we'll head over and file our reports."

"Yeah, yeah," Olivia said. "I'll wait for the doc and the rape kit. Thanks, guys."

The two cops nodded and walked slowly back down the hallway. Olivia waited for a moment, then sat in a nearby chair. She waited, then pecked her phone out of her pocket. She tapped in a text message to Alex. _Caught a 261, female. See you tomorrow._ She pocketed her phone and stood as she noticed a doctor coming towards her.

"You're here about the victim?" he asked.

Olivia flashed her badge. "Special Victims, Olivia Benson."

The doctor extended his hand. "I'm Mark Rubin."

Olivia nodded. "Rape and assault?"

The doctor nodded. "She was brought in with multiple contusions, a broken wrist, broken ribs, and what looked like stab wounds, but turned out they were very deep cuts, mostly along her torso and thighs."

"She was raped?"

"Yes, but no fluids. We did find signs of sexual trauma, however, which leads me to believe she was raped by a foreign object."

"Is she conscious?"

"Barely," the doctor warned. "Not conscious enough for me to let you see her right now, Ms. Benson."

"Do you have photos from the rape kit?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes, I'll have the nurse show them to you. This is her field." Olivia nodded, and he turned and walked briskly down the hallway, his white coat fluttering behind him. Olivia felt a buzz in her pocket and reached for her phone. _Sorry to hear that, Olivia. Take care, we'll talk tomorrow._

"Ms. Benson?"

Olivia pocketed her phone once more as a nurse carrying a file folder walked towards her. "Yes," she replied, extending her hand. "Olivia Benson, Special Victims Unit."

"Rhonda Marx," the nurse replied, running a hand through her curly black hair. "You may need to sit down for this one."

"That's okay," Olivia assured her. "What do you have for me?"

"Well," Ms. Marx responded, setting the file on a nearby counter and opening it up. "The pictures speak for themselves. We weren't able to get any fluids. Whoever did this was pretty clean. But, once we cleaned up the cuts on her chest and torso, we saw this." She slid several photos over to Olivia, whose face grimaced when she saw the cuts on the victim's chest. "What's that spell?" she asked the nurse.

"Doesn't spell anything in my dictionary," the woman responded. "It looks like hash marks."

Olivia peered closer, running her eyes over the jagged red marks, which were cut into the skin above the woman's right breast. "Like roman numerals?"

"Mmm hmm. Roman numeral two."

Olivia paused, thinking a moment. "And there are no fluids to be found? Any hairs, fingernail clippings, anything?"

The nurse shook her head, pursing her lips. "Unfortunately, Detective, we found nothing."

"But cops said there was a sign of a struggle," Olivia protested. "You mean there was nothing on her body? Under her fingernails?"

The nurse shook her head again. "Whoever did this knew exactly what he was doing."

"Did you contact any family for her?"

The nurse nodded. "I sure did. I called her partner about an hour ago. She was in New Jersey for the night, said she's be here as soon as possible."

"When can I talk to Ms. Flanagan?" Olivia asked.

The nurse pursed her lips again. "She's on a heavy sedative at the moment," she responded. "She's out, hopefully for the night. For her sake." Olivia pursed her lips, but nodded. "Be back in about twelve hours, Detective, and she'll be able to talk."

Olivia nodded, dread filling her stomach at the thought of heading back to her own empty apartment, the pictures of the victim still fresh in her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Olivia strode through the hospital doors once more, this time with Elliot in tow. He followed his down the same hallway that she treaded the night before, and they both stopped outside the room. Olivia knocked before poking her head into the room. A middle-aged woman stood over the bed, leaning into the sleeping blonde victim and combing stray strands of hair away from her face. She looked up as Olivia entered.

"Hi," she said, softly, so as not to wake the other woman. "My name is Olivia Benson, I'm a detective. Is it all right if I ask you a few questions?"

The other woman nodded, pushing a lock of auburn hair behind her ear. She placed a quick kiss on the blonde's temple, then walked around the hospital bed and followed Olivia out into the hallway. She shut the door behind her and turned to face the two detectives. Elliot stuck out his hand in greeting. "I'm Elliot Stabler," he said. "I'm sorry about your partner."

The woman nodded. "Megan Raich," she said.

"How is Jessica doing?" Elliot asked her.

"The doctors say she'll recover physically, but the emotional road back will be uphill. I've already met with a psychiatrist earlier this morning. Jessica's only been in and out, but not really alert yet."

Olivia noticed the dark rings under the woman's eyes, and felt a pang of sadness for her. "Ms. Raich, do you and Jessica live together?"

Megan nodded, and crossed her arms protectively over her chest. "Yes," she replied. "We've lived together for four years."

"Have you noticed anyone or anything out of the ordinary as of late? Anyone who seemed suspicious?"

Megan shook her head, closing her eyes briefly in concentration. "No," she stated. "Not that I'm aware of. But there are a million people in this city. They can all seem strange on any given day."

Olivia nodded. "What do you do, Megan?"

"I'm in communications, mostly consultant work with non-profits. I was out of town last night, I had a two day conference with a client."

Elliot spoke up. "What does Jessica do for a living?"

"She does public relations for the ACLU," Megan responded.

Olivia nodded. "She's been vocal recently about New York's same-sex marriage law, right?"

Megan's eyes widened. "Yes, she has, but you don't think this has anything to do with that, do you? The law passed. This is New York City, for crying out loud."

Elliot spoke up. "We're not ruling anything out at this time, Ms. Raich." He glanced at Olivia. "We really need the opportunity to talk further with your partner. Do you mind giving us a call when she's alert? Anything she remembers about last night will be very important to our investigation."

"Of course," the woman nodded. "I can give you a call first thing."

Elliot nodded, tossing a glance at Olivia before walking back towards the hospital entrance, leaving the two women along. Olivia looked at Megan and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Megan, if you need anything, please don't hesitate to call me, okay?" She extended her card out to Megan, who took it with trembling hands.

"I'm going to go back in and be with Jessica. Thank you, Ms. Benson. I'll be in touch."

Olivia turned and watched the woman walk back into the hospital room, a feeling of empathy settling into her stomach. It quickly turned to grief, as she thought about how she would feel if it were her walking into that room to check on Alex. She shook the thoughts from her head and turned to follow Elliot outside.

* * *

><p>Alex popped a forkful of lettuce into her mouth, her eyes never leaving her computer screen. Rarely did she leave her desk for lunch, and she'd perfected the art of working over bites of salad. A knock sounded on her door. "Come in," she called, her mouth still full. The door opened slightly and Olivia popped her head in. She gave a knowing look as she saw Alex's salad container perched precariously on a pile of law volumes.<p>

"Ah," she said, closing the door behind her. "Wanted to see if you'd grabbed lunch yet."

Alex set her fork down. "I've got a motion hearing with Petrofsky at 1:30, so I thought I'd cram it in." She looked up at Olivia, all too aware that the detective more than likely got no sleep the night before. "How you doing?"

Olivia took a seat in the chair across from Alex. "Tired," she sighed. "I didn't get anything at the hospital last night, but Elliot and I went back this morning." She took a deep breath. "Sadistic bastard really did a number on this woman."

"Do you have any evidence?" Alex asked.

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing at the scene. No prints, no hairs, nothing." Olivia leaned in closer to Alex's desk. "Alex, the victim's name is Jessica Flanagan."

Alex's eyes widened momentarily. "Jess Flanagan, from the ACLU?" she asked, incredulous.

Olivia nodded. "One and the same."

Alex stared down at her desk. "She did some press recently for the marriage law." She looked back up at Olivia, her lips slightly parted. "You don't think we've got a hate crime on our hands?"

Olivia shook her head and ran one hand through her hair. "I don't know, Alex. Right now, we know next to nothing about what happened last night. Flanagan hasn't been alert yet. We spoke briefly with her partner this morning, but nothing came to light other than the fact she's been publicly advocating for same-sex marriage in New York."

Alex pushed her chair back and strode around her desk, standing behind Olivia and placing her hands on her shoulders. "You'll find something," she assured the detective as she gently massaged her shoulders.

Olivia sighed and leaned back into the touch. "Yeah," she said. "I hope so."

Alex continued to knead the other woman's shoulders, her slender fingers slowly working out the tension the detective held there. Olivia felt a new tension arise in her stomach, and she shifted slightly, aware that she was enjoying the attorney's touch too much for a casual lunch visit. She had been enjoying Alex's touch entirely too much lately, more than was warranted for their seemingly casual relationship. She shifted her position, turning to look up at Alex, and at the same time gently shrugging her shoulders from the blonde's lingering hands. "I gotta grab lunch," she said softly, a bit apologetically.

Alex clenched her jaw, managing to cover the way her chest became tight as she felt the detective shrug away from her. She kept her voice calm. "Right," she said, walking back to her desk and taking her seat once again. She glanced at Olivia as the detective stood. An awkward moment passed before Alex closed the lid to her salad and pushed it toward Olivia. "Here," she said. "Take this."

Olivia shook her head and gave Alex a smile. "I'm not taking your lunch, Alex. But thank you."

Alex pushed the salad further. "Trust me, Liv, I've seen what you eat for lunch, and I'd rather you take the salad. You can thank me later."

Olivia tilted her head back in a slight chuckle. "Fine. You certainly know how to take care of a girl."

Alex swallowed, having a harder time keeping her façade around the brunette. "You should know that first hand," she shot back, resuming her cool façade, and enjoying having the upper hand.

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "I do," she replied. She grabbed the salad and stared at it momentarily. Her eyes drifted toward Alex, who was depositing several files into her attaché. "Have dinner with me," Olivia offered. "Saturday night."

Alex's eyes widened slightly, and she let a soft smile play upon her lips as she glanced up at Olivia. "Not just a drink?" she asked, playfully.

Olivia shook her head, enjoying the limb she was walking out on. "I'm kind of in the mood for more than a drink."

Alex let the comment sink in. "Same here," she replied.

Olivia flashed a smile, and Alex couldn't help but return it. "Perfect. I buy you lunch," she said motioning to the salad that Olivia held, "and you buy me dinner."

Olivia laughed. "I can't promise you my dinner is going to be as healthy as this." She turned toward the door. "See you later, Alex," she said, smiling as she let the door close behind her.

* * *

><p>Cragen walked briskly out of his office and headed toward Elliot and Olivia's station. "You heard from the lab yet about any prints?" He glanced over at Olivia. "Healthy lunch, there, Benson," he added, glancing at her remnants of her salad container.<p>

Elliot shook his head, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms across his chest. "We heard back from 'em. Every print that came back belonged to either Jessica Flanagan or her partner."

Cragen sighed. "Even with signs of a struggle?"

Olivia nodded. "Right. What I don't understand is why the struggle? If he was so practiced, if he knew what he was doing, then why was the place trashed? Why not get in and out?"

Cragen glanced at her. "Maybe something went wrong?"

Elliot leaned forward. "How did the perp get in? Window lock wasn't picked, which leads to him finding another way in."

Cragen sighed. "Send Munch and Fin over to the apartment complex and make sure they talk to everyone." Olivia nodded, looking down at her phone as it vibrated. She plucked it out of its clip. "Benson," she said.

"This complex have cameras?" Cragen asked, directing his question to Elliot.

"Nope," Elliot responded.

Cragen sighed again. "Jesus," he said. He looked expectantly over at Olivia as she hung up her phone.

"Jessica's awake," she announced, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair. She glanced over at Elliot, who had already risen and was grabbing his keys.

Cragen watched the two of them walk out of the precinct. "Bring me something useful!" he called, before turning and walking back toward his office.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A short, quick update, as I've spent most of the week traveling. Hopefully the next updates will come faster. I appreciate any and all feedback, reviews, and comments. Thanks!**_

Olivia and Elliot found themselves once again inside Jessica Flanagan's hospital room. Megan perched next to one side of the hospital bed, while Elliot and Olivia stood on the other side.

"Ms. Flanagan, do you recall anything about last night?" Olivia asked gently.

Jessica spoke, her words slightly slurred due to a cut that ran down her lip. "I got in around 9:00," she said, her unbruised eye gazing up at the detective. She shifted uncomfortably in the bed, attempting to sit up. She winced in pain at the movement and breathed in a jagged breath before continuing. "I had dinner with a colleague."

Olivia nodded, giving the blond time to catch her breath before asking her next question. "What colleague?"

"A friend from another non-profit, Randi Hayward. We often overlap on issues."

Olivia glanced up at Elliot, who was taking notes in a small notepad. "Can you walk us through what happened when you got home?" Olivia asked.

Jessica swallowed. "I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary," she said, slightly shaking her head back and forth. "I came in, set my things down in the office, and went to shower. It had been raining all day. I couldn't wait to shower."

Megan, who sat rigidly next to the bed, reached a hand up and gently rubbed her partner's arm as she continued. "I went into the bedroom. And that's when it happened. Someone grabbed me from behind and began choking me. It felt like he was trying to rip my head off." Her hand went unconsciously to her neck, where a deep red line roped around it. Jessica's eyed stared straight ahead for a moment, blankly lost in the moment.

"Did you lose consciousness at any point?" Olivia asked softly.

Jessica nodded. "I must have," she said. "I tried fighting him, but he just… overpowered me. I woke up on the bed, and he was leering over at me."

"Did he say anything to you?"

Jessica shook her head, her eyes narrowing at the memory. "Not a thing. Not one word. The whole time, not one word."

Megan stood, brushing a loose strand of hair off of Jessica's forehead. Her eyes met Olivia's briefly, and the detective felt a stab of pain for the woman. She sighed, waiting a moment before continuing her questioning. "Do you remember what he was wearing? Anything descriptive?"

Jessica closed her eyes momentarily. "All black. Everything was black. His pants had a lot of pockets, with zippers." she said. Her lip curled into a slight sneer. "I'm sure that's not helpful," she sighed.

Olivia placed a hand on Jessica's shoulder. "Jessica, anything you tell us is helpful. You went through a tragic ordeal, and you're doing fine."

Jessica shrugged her shoulders, whispering, almost as if to herself. "I just wish I could remember more. Or would have fought him more." She shook her head. "Something."

Megan stood and leaned nearer to Jessica, placing her head directly in front of her partner's. "Jessica," she said, firmly, "honey, you're doing great. Okay? You're safe, and you're only helping put this guy behind bars." She glanced up at Olivia as she straightened, placing her arms across her chest. "What else can we help you with, detectives?"

Olivia noticed the impatience, she saw it in Megan's eyes, attempting to mask her fear. Olivia once again felt a pang of sympathy for the woman, who surely was only trying to protect her partner as much as she could.

Elliot spoke up. "Jessica, do you recall anyone giving you a hard time at work over the past few weeks? Anything occur out of the ordinary?"

Jessica was silent for a moment as she thought. "I did have an encounter with a man at a gay marriage rally recently," she said, her voice trailing off as she recalled the altercation.

This piqued Elliot's attention. "Oh?" he prompted her.

Jessica nodded, looking up at Megan. "Remember?" she asked her partner. "That guy at the HRW rally who confronted me after my speech?"

Megan narrowed her eyes in concentration, looking up at Olivia as the memory flashed through her mind. "Yes," she said. "I was there that day. He was a middle-aged guy, pretty worked up about the marriage law. He waited until we had moved away from the stage, but then reeled on Jessica."

"Did he get violent?" Elliot asked.

Jessica shook her head, continuing Megan's line of conversation. "No, the crowd pretty much ran him off, even before security wound their way through the throng of people. He was white, green eyes." She thought for a moment. "Really, bright green eyes," she said, her voice lost in the memory. "Angry green eyes."

Olivia looked at Jessica, then Megan. "Did either of you ever see him again?" she asked.

Both women shook their heads. "Not that I noticed," Jessica responded.

* * *

><p>Olivia and Elliot walked back toward the precinct, Elliot stripping off his jacket as they walked down the hallway. "It's never cool enough in here," he complained, wiping the back of his neck with his free hand.<p>

"It's never cool enough anywhere in Manhattan during July," Olivia quipped.

As the two walked into the precinct room, Olivia felt a flutter in her stomach as she noticed Alex perched on Munch's desk, Cragen leaning over her.

"I say we pursue it," Munch finished, looking up as the two detectives walked over. "Benson, Stabler," he said, motioning them closer. "Come join the party."

Alex looked over her shoulder and gave Olivia and Elliot a quick smile, her eyes lingering on Olivia's for a second longer. Olivia smiled back at her, the fluttering in her stomach not quite disappearing.

"Alex," Elliot said, patting her on the shoulder. "Checking up on us?"

Alex pursed her lips into a slight grin. "That's exactly what I'm doing." She looked up at Cragen. "I wanted to see where you were on the Flanagan case."

Elliot sighed. "Not a lot further than where we were this morning, or last night, or hell, even two nights ago." He looked at Cragen apologetically. "We didn't learn much from Flanagan."

Olivia broke in. "She saw next to nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary."

Munch cut in. "Well, her neighbor saw something out of the ordinary."

Olivia and Elliot looked over at him. "What?" Olivia asked.

"She was having a midnight smoke the night before last, leaning out of her apartment window, which looked down on the fire escape outside of Flanagan's apartment. Said she saw a man on the fire escape."

Alex furrowed her brow. "Wait, she saw him the night before last? The night before the rape?"

Munch nodded. "Sure did. She said she assumed the guy was a guest of the woman in apartment 3C. Apparently she has quite a few midnight marauders. Our smoker didn't think anything of it. Closed her window, went back inside."

Cragen crossed his arms over his chest, his forehead wrinkled in concentration. "You check this with the tenant in 3C?"

Munch curled one side of his lip. "What kind of detective would I be if I didn't?"

Elliot rolled his eyes, glancing quickly at Olivia, who put a hand on her hip.

Munch continued. "Woman didn't have any visitors the night before. She wasn't even home. She was spending the night with her boyfriend in Brooklyn."

Olivia exhaled. "So, what, this guy was watching Flanagan?"

Elliot shook his head. "What if he tampered with the window lock?"

Cragen nodded, pointing a finger at Elliot. "Let's corroborate this with Flanagan." He glanced at Olivia. "You want to check with her, see if she remembers having her windows open the night before last?"

Olivia nodded. "Sure. I'll give Megan a call." She slipped away from the group and sat behind her desk, picking Megan's number out of her coat pocket.

Cragen turned his attention back to Munch. "This tenant, did she get an ID on the guy?"

Munch shrugged. "Not a great one. He was wearing a baseball cap, t-shirt, dark, baggy pants. White male."

Cragen sighed. Alex looked from Munch to Elliot to Cragen. "Well," she said. "Sounds like you guys have got some work to do before I'm needed around here." She slipped off of Munch's desk and clapped Elliot on the shoulder blade. "Good luck," she said, walking towards the exit.

As she passed Olivia's desk, she tapped her fingers lightly on the green surface, signaling a goodbye. Olivia nodded, giving a slight wave before speaking again into the cell phone. "Thanks, Megan, I appreciate your continued cooperation. It makes all the difference. Call me as soon as you can." She hung up her phone and called over to her partner. "Jessica's sleeping. Megan will ask her as soon as she wakes up."

Elliot nodded and turned back to Munch and Cragen. Olivia glanced at them, then the exit door that Alex had passed through a moment earlier. She lurched out of her chair and walked briskly out of the precinct room. Elliot turned toward her desk. "Hey Liv – " he cut himself off as he noticed her empty chair, catching the back of her sweater as she darted out of the room. He turned back toward Cragen. "Girl talk," he said with a shrug.

* * *

><p>Olivia saw Alex ahead, waiting for an elevator and twisting the cap off of a newly purchased bottle of water. "Alex," she called, catching up to her as the elevator door opened. Alex looked up at the detective as several people filed out of the elevator and those waiting filed inside. A large woman in a pale pink jacket and a matching skirt looked expectantly at Alex as she held the elevator door open. "You coming?" she asked gruffly.<p>

Alex shook her head, and the elevator doors behind her as she turned to face Olivia. "You find something out from Flanagan?" she asked, expectantly.

Olivia looked confused for a moment. "No, no," she said. She paused, not exactly sure _why_ she had followed Alex to the elevator. "Thanks for the salad," she said lamely.

Alex smiled, taking a sip of her water. "Of course," she replied, her eyes shining. The elevator dinged behind her and the doors opened once again. She moved aside as people once again filed out, not sure _why_ she wasn't moving to get on the elevator. She stayed in place as the doors dinged shut.

"You know, Olivia – "

"Alex, I don't – "

The two women laughed somewhat awkwardly as they both cut off each other's thoughts. Olivia nodded toward Alex, encouraging her to continue.

Alex's thumb brushed nervously over the cap of her water bottle. "I am delighted to have dinner with you this weekend," she said, her eyes flashing only briefly to Olivia's. "I don't, however…" she trailed off, her eyes glancing off toward her left as she searched for words. "I don't," she repeated, "know exactly how we're supposed to do this… kind of thing." Her eyes finally met Olivia's and she was relieved to see warmth in the brown eyes.

Olivia nodded, flashing the attorney with a slightly bashful smile. "Right," she agreed, placing her hands in her pockets. She looked down at the floor for a moment before glancing back up at Alex's questioning face. "Why don't we," she said, gesturing coolly, "just take it slow?"

Alex smirked, darting an embarrassed glance towards the other end of the hallway. "I think we've surpassed that point, Olivia," she said, mirth flashing through her eyes.

Olivia met her gaze with a devious look of her own. "Right," she said. She pulled her hands out of her pockets and ran one hand quickly through her hair. "What I mean is," she began, rubbing her hand across the back of her neck, "is that we don't have to make this awkward."

Alex guffawed, for the first time allowing herself the opportunity to laugh at the two of them. "Oh, Olivia," she said, "I think we've surpassed that, too."

Olivia found herself smiling at the comment, before letting out a small laugh. "Right," she said. "In that case, Alex, I am looking forward to dinner this weekend." She paused. "I'm in the mood for sushi, although that could change before Saturday rolls around."

"Sushi would be lovely," Alex said. "You choose the cuisine, I choose the place." She thought for a moment, tapping her water bottle softly against the palm of one hand. "Kiko," she said. "Chelsea."

Olivia nodded. "I know it," she said. "Good choice."

The elevator dinged for the third time, the doors opening once again. Alex glanced behind her as the space emptied out, then smiled back at Olivia. "I'm going to take this one," she said, pointing behind her.

Olivia nodded. "Third time's a charm," she said, backing down the hallway.

"So I've heard," Alex responded, stepping onto the elevator and giving one last smile as the elevator doors closed. Olivia turned, heading back toward the precinct, the butterflies in her stomach only just beginning to subside.


	4. Chapter 4

**Reviews and feedback are greatly appreciated, thanks! The next chapter will more than likely have an M rating.**

* * *

><p><strong>Friday, July 18<strong>

Olivia pulled a sweater over her head as she walked into her kitchen, eyes still bleary from sleep. She stood at the kitchen counter for a moment and peered over her small bar toward the living room. Soft sunlight peered through the windows, bathing her couch in a soft glow. She popped a piece of bread into the toaster and grabbed a mug from a hook over the sink. She lumbered over to the coffee machine and let out a pointed curse. "Damn it," she said, banging her fist against the counter. What good was a timer on the coffee machine if she forgot to set it? She sighed, grabbing her bag from the table beside the door and slipping on her shoes. Her phone buzzed from the kitchen counter. "Benson," she answered.

"_Detective Benson, this is Megan Raich." _

Olivia straightened her posture and leaned against the kitchen counter, attentive. "Megan, how are you this morning?" she said, noting the concern that she couldn't help from creeping into her tone.

"_I'm okay. A little tired. You said to call after I got a chance to talk to Megan."_

Olivia nodded into the phone. "Yes," she said. "Thank you for calling."

"_I asked Jessica about the window. At first she didn't remember. But, earlier this morning she recalled that she opened it on Tuesday before bed. It had been cool that night." _Megan paused, and Olivia heard a muffled voice in the background. _"But,"_ Megan corrected, _"she closed it the next morning before leaving for work."_

Olivia plucked her breakfast from the toaster, dropping it quickly onto the counter. "Megan, would it be all right if I dropped by the hospital this morning? I'd like to hear this from Jessica, if she's up for it."

A pause before Megan spoke again. "_I think that's fine, Detective Benson."_

"Great," Olivia responded. "I'll be there in half an hour." She grabbed her toast and headed out the door. Her coffee would just have to wait.

* * *

><p>Alex juggled a cup of coffee and an apple as she hefted her purse onto her shoulder and stepped out of the elevator of One Hogan Place. She had made no more than a couple of strides before she heard her name bellowed across the hallway. "Cabot!"<p>

As Elizabeth Donnelly crossed the hall, the sea of scrambling lawyers and assistants seemingly parted ways for her, giving her direct access to the ADA. She stood in front of Alex, effectively blocking her path. "What's the progress on the Flanagan case?" she asked, wasting no time with frivolities.

Alex didn't miss a beat, used to the brisk way that her boss conducted business. "They may have a lead," she responded. "Otherwise, it's looking like a pretty tough case."

Liz nodded, staring levelly at the younger woman. She turned and motioned for Alex to follow her. "That's just what I didn't want to hear," she said, turning a corner into an open room filled with desks, where assistants already sat, their heads angled toward their computer screens. "The press will soon be all over this. I've got another day, tops, before it's plastered across the papers."

Alex looked over at Liz. "Is this because Jessica Flanagan is the victim?"

Liz breezed past several assistants before opening the door to her own office. Alex followed her in and watched as the Bureau Chief took a seat behind her desk. "Close the door," Liz commanded. "Of course it's about Flanagan," she responded, as Alex took a seat in the chair in front of her desk. "The marriage amendment passes in New York and we've got a sexual assault on one of the main spokeswomen of the issue?" She turned her eyes towards her computer, glancing at the emails already piling one on top of the other in her inbox. "Stay on them, Alex," she said. "This is one case where the public will demand a circus. I'd rather just give them justice." She narrowed her eyes at Alex. "Got it?"

Alex gave a small nod, barely masking the contempt that created a small furrow in her brow. "I know how to do my job, Liz."

Liz rolled her eyes. "Jesus, Alex, not everything out of my mouth is an affront to how you're doing your job."

Alex sighed, softly, her features relaxing. "Right." She glanced up at Liz. "Sorry," she mumbled.

Liz placed her hands in front of her, clasping them together as she peered more closely at the younger woman. "How are you doing today?" she asked, her voice softer than usual.

Alex balked at the question, but wasn't surprised by it. Liz and her mother had been quite close. She had expected her boss to take note of the date. It had been one year since her mother died. "Fine," she said, trying with some difficulty to keep her features from showing any emotion. She exhaled slowly.

Liz nodded, all too familiar with the way Alex guarded herself. She still caught the glint of sadness in Alex's eyes before the attorney turned her gaze to the floor. "Okay. You want to grab dinner tonight?" she asked softly, staring at the crown of Alex's head.

Alex raised her eyes back to Liz's and nodded slowly. It had been exactly one year since her mother died, and although some days it felt like an eternity, there were other days, most notably the anniversary of her death, when it felt like it had happened only days before. She closed her eyes briefly, allowing herself to swim in darkness for a moment before registering Liz's concerned gaze. "Liz, I'm okay," she said, offering a small, unconvincing smile.

The Chief felt a pang of sympathy, and of loss, both for Alex, who had lost a mother, and for herself, who had lost a dear friend. "Nevertheless," she said, her features softening just a bit. "I'll order a car for 7:00."

Alex nodded, and sat, staring blankly into space as Liz returned her gaze toward her computer. "I assume you can occupy yourself until 7:00?" Liz asked, her tone returning to her usual coldness, which Alex felt grateful for in that moment.

Alex exhaled, placing her hands briefly on her knees before rising from the chair. "I'll prep some talking points for the Flanagan case. Chances are we're going to need them."

* * *

><p>Olivia gave a slight wave to the front desk attendant as she walked through the double doors leading to Jessica Flanagan's hospital room. She caught a brief glimpse of the nurse who had assisted with Jessica's rape kit two days earlier, standing behind the nurse's station.<p>

"Hello, Detective," she said, placing a file folder in a bulging container next to a computer.

Olivia stopped briefly by the counter. "Nurse Marx," she said. "I'm stopping by for a moment to speak with Jessica Flanagan."

Rhonda nodded. "That one's a trooper. I can barely keep her in her room."

"When will she be released?" Olivia asked.

Rhonda shrugged. "Not for another day. We want to keep an eye on those wounds." She nodded her head down the hallway. "I just came from her room, as a matter of fact. She had a counseling session this morning, and I wanted to check in on her." Her lips fell into a grim line. "In most cases, it's the psychological trauma that leaves the biggest impact."

Olivia nodded in agreement, struggling to keep her thoughts on the present moment, and not to delve into her own past, which only served to open a variety of wounds that she worked hard at concealing. Olivia waved goodbye as she headed for Jessica's room. The door stood open, and Olivia poked her head inside. Jessica sat up in her bed, typing furiously into a computer that rested on her lap. Megan stood by the window, speaking vehemently into her cell phone. Jessica's eyes lifted from her computer screen and her features softened. "Hi Detective," she said, motioning her inside.

Megan turned from the window and gave Olivia a slight nod, holding up one finger to indicate she would be off the call momentarily.

"How are you doing, Ms. Flanagan?" the detective asked, walking over to the side of the woman's hospital bed.

Jessica flipped her computer closed, moving it toward the side of her lap. She gave Olivia an affirmative nod. "Call me Jessica." She shifted, straightening her back, wincing from the pain that still radiated from her ribs. "I'm feeling a little better," she replied. Olivia nodded, noticing that although the blond's right eye was less swollen, the skin along the right side of her face was covered in bruises from her hairline down to the bottom of her jaw. The split on her lip had begun to scab. Jessica noticed Olivia's gaze, then pointed to her face. "Doesn't mean I look any better," she said, with a forced chuckle.

Olivia looked down at her sympathetically. "You look fine," she assured her. "How are you doing, aside from the injuries?"

Jessica glanced quickly at Megan before answering. "I'm doing okay," she breathed. She cocked her head toward her partner. "Megan, however, hasn't slept since Wednesday. I need to slip her some of whatever they're giving me, just so she'll rest a little." She gave a slight smile. "It's not easy," she said, aware of her own understatement.

"No, it isn't," Olivia agreed. "For either of you." She looked up at Megan, who had her back turned toward them. "If you ever need a recommendation for a good counselor, I can suggest someone. I completely trust her."

Jessica swallowed, then nodded. "I'd appreciate that, Ms. Benson. I'm not one for therapy, but I always take a business card." She gave a half smile before continuing. "Megan said you had some questions about Tuesday night?"

Olivia pulled a notepad from her pocket. "Did you open any windows in your apartment on Tuesday?"

Jessica nodded. "I did, but only in the bedroom, before I went to bed. I got up around 4:30 to go to the bathroom, and closed it then."

"Did you lock it?"

"Yes." She looked at Olivia curiously. "What are you thinking? Did someone dismantle my lock and come back the next night?" Her voice held a slight note of panic. Megan hung up her phone and walked over to the bed, eyeing Olivia questioningly.

"Someone broke in through the window?" she asked.

Olivia glanced at Jessica, then Megan. "We're not ruling anything out," she replied, all too aware that her response did nothing to comfort the two women.

Jessica sighed. "Of course you aren't." Her eyes met Olivia and closed her eyes for a moment. "I know I'm not much help to your investigation." She opened her eyes, fixing them onto Olivia's. They were a sea-green, and for a moment Olivia saw Alex's own startling blue eyes staring up at her. She blinked, then shook her head.

"Jessica, that's not true - "

Jessica continued. "I wish I could will some memories into existence. I've relived it a thousand times in my head, but it's still one big blur. I can't isolate anything."

Megan placed a supportive hand on Jessica's arm. She looked up at Olivia, hopefully. "But have you managed to find anything else? Anything?"

Olivia exhaled slowly. "We're doing everything we can to catch whoever did this to you, Jessica. We do have a lead in that one of your neighbors saw a man wearing a baseball cap on the fire escape outside your window on Tuesday night."

Megan's arm lifted from her partner's arm and a fire flashed through her eyes as she looked at Olivia. "What kind of baseball cap?" she asked.

Olivia noticed the terse response. "We're not sure. The neighbor thinks it was a dark color, not black."

"Maroon?"

Olivia looked at her, her eyes narrowing. "Possibly," she said, slowly. "Why?"

Megan glanced at Jessica, who looked at her quizzically. "Jess, remember the guy from the rally? The one who confronted you after your speech?" Jessica nodded, and Megan continued, adrenaline pumping into her tone. "He was wearing a maroon baseball cap." She looked at Olivia, her eyes lighting up with the hope of providing a useful clue. "I'm sure of it. I remember it because for the life of me I couldn't figure out what team it was for."

Jessica nodded, the memory slowly coming back to her. "I do remember," she said, glancing up at Olivia. "But I swear I never saw that man again."

"Not that you recall," Megan inputted.

Olivia jotted down the description of the cap into her notepad. "Do you remember any lettering or logos on the cap?" she asked.

Megan nodded. "It looked kind of like a broken chain link, but vertical. That was all that was on it." She gestured toward Olivia's notepad. "Want me to draw it?"

Olivia handed over her pad and pen, and watched as Megan quickly sketched out a rendering of the logo. The shorter brunette flipped it back to her. "There you go," she said. "You recognize it?"

Olivia shook her head. "No," she said, "but I'll find out." She looked back at Jessica. "Jessica, do you recall any opposition groups at that rally that you remember? Names of groups that were on hand to protest?"

Jessica nodded. "Of course. National Organization for Marriage was the big one. They tend to bring out the nutjobs."

Megan spoke up. "I can't imagine you getting any assistance from them." Jessica nodded in agreement.

"I'd imagine they'd be especially unhelpful, after the passage of the law."

Olivia nodded. "It's worth a shot." She closed her notepad and glanced at the two women. "Ladies, I really do appreciate your geniality in this investigation." She directed her gaze toward Jessica. "And maybe it's worth putting a protective detail on the two of you, just for the time being."

Jessica shook her head, but Megan quickly overrode her with a nod. "I think that's a sound decision," she said. "We'll take it."

Olivia glanced at Jessica, who eventually nodded her head. "Too little, too late," the blond murmured under her breath. Her eyes peered up at Olivia. "But thank you, Ms. Benson."

Olivia tore a piece of paper out of her notebook and scribbled down a quick name, address, and phone number. She handed it to Jessica. "Never hesitate to give me a call," she said. She pointed toward the piece of paper. "But I also recommend giving her a call once you're out of here."

Jessica gave a quick nod, and Olivia patted her gently on the hand. "Take care, both of you," she said, turning toward the door. "I'll call with any news." She walked out into the hallway, letting the door close gently behind her, Megan's blue eyes still haunting her.

* * *

><p>Elliot slammed his phone into its receiver, the noise jolting Olivia's attention from the file spread on her desk. She looked up at her partner's face. "El, you look like you just ate something really sour."<p>

Elliot looked at her. "In a way, I did." He pointed towards the receiver. "That was Williams down in Missing Persons. They got a 23-year old graduate student from CUNY who's been missing for six days."

Olivia shrugged. "That description doesn't really fit with our case, though, El. Jess Flanagan is a forty-three year old professional."

Elliot nodded, anticipating her comment. "This graduate student is also the President of the CUNY Alliance, an LGBT organization that was vocal on gay marriage."

Munch piped up from his desk, several yards away. "That Alliance do any work with Flanagan and the ACLU? Maybe we got a connection."

"Munch, what would we do without you," Elliot joked, giving him a grin.

Olivia smiled, but it quickly dissipated. "We may have a connection, but now we've got a missing girl as well."

"What can I say?" Elliot quipped, giving a showmanship gesture. "I like to add to the workload. Williams is bringing up the file now." He tucked a pencil behind is ear. "But, we may not have a connection here. There could be no link between this missing girl and Flanagan."

Olivia looked at him dubiously. "I'm not sure which I'd prefer in this case." She sighed, dipping her head back to the file on her desk.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday, July 18<strong>

Alex took a sip of her water as the waitress approached. "You are waiting on someone?" she asked, gesturing toward the empty chair that sat across from Alex.

The attorney nodded. "I am," she said, picking up a menu and glancing at it briefly. "But, I will take a bottle of the sake for the time being."

The waitress nodded, turning toward the kitchen. Alex snuck a peek at her watch. Olivia was only seven minutes late, but already Alex was wishing she'd ordered the sake as soon as she arrived, thinking the rice wine would help steady her nerves. She took another sip of her water. She heard the front entrance open, and Olivia entered, looking slightly rushed, but still beautiful. Alex couldn't help but smile as she gave a small wave towards the detective. Olivia returned the wave, and walked quickly over to the table, an apology slipping from her lips before she even sat down.

"Alex, I'm so sorry I'm late."

Alex shook her head. "Don't worry about it," she said. "I did take the liberty of ordering us some sake."

"Oh, good." She shook her head. "I stopped by the precinct on the way over, then ended up catching some traffic."

Alex chastised her. "Olivia, do you ever take a day off?" she asked.

Olivia took a sip of the water in front of her. "Of course," she replied. Her tone deepened. "But the cases don't disappear on the weekends."

"Sometimes you have to give yourself some space from the work, Olivia."

Olivia gawked. "I honestly can't believe you're telling me this," she said, disbelief running across her features. "You work all the time. It's still work if you're doing it from home, Alex."

Alex shook her head. "It's not as visceral as what you're constantly facing, Olivia, and you know it."

Olivia refused to back down. "The work gives me a purpose, Alex. As shocking as it sounds, I enjoy it. I enjoy it even more when we track down the bad guys."

Alex exhaled, mentally taking a step back from the conversation. "Okay, okay. I really didn't mean to start dinner off with a work argument." Her features softened, and she let her fingers trace the edges of napkin.

Olivia took a sip from her water glass. "You're right." She paused. "What have you been up to today?" she asked, changing the subject.

Alex gave a chagrined smile. "Work," she said sheepishly.

Olivia raised an eyebrow and let out a laugh. "I rest my case," she said.

Alex put her hands up in surrender. "Well, not that we _are _talking about work, how's the Flanagan case?"

Olivia shook her head. "More complicated, actually." She caught Alex's inquisitive gaze. "We found out about a missing girl from CUNY who has been missing for a little over a week. She's the President of an LGBT organization that did some advocating on behalf of the marriage bill."

Alex frowned. "We have a serial on our hands?"

"I don't know. The markings on Flanagan's body, the roman numeral two, makes more sense if it's a serial. We won't know for sure until we find this missing girl. Apparently they had a lot of interaction with another group on campus, a religious organization, and went head to head on the marriage issue. We interviewed students from both, but they don't keep the best track of their membership. Or who shows up for their events."

Alex sighed. "A little over a week is a long time."

Olivia nodded. "Too long."

"Especially if it was the same perp, why is he out hunting for new pray? Why attack Jessica Flanagan if he abducted this student?"

Olivia shook her head at Alex's questions. "I don't know, Alex."

The waitress walked over carrying a bottle of sake, breaking the sober moment. She placed it on the table along with two small porcelin cups and looked beseechingly at the two women. "I will give you another moment?" she asked politely, gesturing toward the unopened menus that lay on the table.

Olivia nodded. "That would be great, thank you."

The waitress nodded, slipping back toward the sushi bar.

Olivia casually perused her menu before slapping it back down on the table in front of her. Alex looked up from her own menu. "That was quick," she said.

"Rainbow, spicy tuna, whitefish," Olivia said, pouring sake into both cups and taking a sip of her own.

Alex quickly perused her own menu. "I second your rainbow, up you a dragon, and tack on a seaweed salad."

Olivia smiled. "Sounds good." She looked curiously at Alex. "You couldn't have been working all day," she said. "Seriously, tell me about your weekend so far."

Alex took a sip of her sake. "Well, last night I had dinner with Liz at this incredibly stuffy bistro in Chelsea. Completely ridiculous. The waiters wore the cheesy aprons, the vests, but were clearly straight from NYU. They couldn't tell me a thing about the menu. Liz ended up giving a lecture to one kid about the appropriate texture of swordfish."

Olivia laughed. "You had dinner with Liz?" she asked, surprised.

Alex nodded, taking another sip of her sake. "Yeah," she said, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "We occasionally do lunch here, dinner there. An occasional museum outing."

"You said that your mother and Liz were close? Were you close with her?"

Olivia saw an expression pass over Alex's features, one that she couldn't quite read. "After my mother died, I think we were both reeling from it, and opened up a little more to each other."

A flash of empathy crossed Olivia's eyes. "It's hard."

Alex caught her eye. "Yesterday was a year." Her eyes bored into Olivia's, shockingly blue. "How long has it been since your mother died? Three years?"

Olivia exhaled slowly. "Almost three." She nodded. "I had a hard time talking about it for a good year. But my relationship with my mother was very different from yours."

"Doesn't make it any easier," Alex said.

Olivia shook her head. "No, I guess it doesn't." She left it at that. Although she felt comfortable talking to Alex, she did not feel like delving into her past.

Alex saw the detective's hesitation. "You're a closed book, Olivia," she said softly.

The comment startled the detective, and a pang of panic made her heart beat a little faster. "I'm not," she refuted. "And that's funny, coming from an ice queen such as yourself." Olivia regretted the comment as soon as it left her lips, even before Alex's features froze in anger. "Alex – "

"I could care less what your fellow detectives think of me, Olivia." Alex said, her lips pressed in a firm line. "I'm not on the job to make friends." She paused, her blue eyes burning. "Or fuck buddies," she said.

Olivia took a deep breath, her mind reeling, trying to figure out a way to fix what her comment had started. Alex, the date, the sex, frightened her. The feelings she had developed for the attorney scared her most of all.

"Alex," she said, placing her hand lightly on the blonde's arm. "I didn't mean that, and I'm sorry." She looked around, helplessly fishing for the right words. "I've never done this," she said. "And frankly, it scares me a little."

Alex's jaw was still rigid, but her eyes softened. "You've never been with a woman before?" she asked.

Olivia quickly shook her head, dismissing the statement. "No, no," she said. "I've been with _plenty_ of women." She cringed. She was having trouble saying the right thing tonight. "I've never felt this _way_ about a woman," she blurted.

Alex looked caught off guard, her normal composure crumbling, revealing a more vulnerable expression. "What does that mean?" she asked.

The waitress popped up behind Olivia, clearly unaware of her terrible timing. "You ready to order?" she asked cheerfully. Olivia jumped slightly, before stammering. "I – I – "

Alex cut in, taking charge. "We'll start with a seaweed salad, then we'll share a few rolls: rainbow, dragon, spicy tuna." The waitress nodded, jotting the order down before leaving Alex and Olivia alone again. Alex gave Olivia a small smile. "I'm not sure if that was good timing or bad timing."

Olivia exhaled. "For you, it seemed like damn good timing," she said, returning Alex's smile.

Alex's fidgeted with her chopsticks. "Olivia," she started, her eyes drifting back up meet the detective's, "I really enjoy being with you. I've never felt like this, either."

Olivia let out a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "So now what?" she asked.

Alex raised her sake glass, beckoning Olivia to do the same. "We enjoy ourselves," Alex said, as the two women clinked their glasses together.

* * *

><p>After dinner, Alex and Olivia stepped out into a cool night. Olivia glanced at Alex, waiting for the expected invitation back to the blonde's apartment.<p>

"Why don't we walk this off?" Alex suggested. "For a few blocks?"

"Sure," Olivia said, nodding. "It's a beautiful night."

The two began walking, weaving through fellow New Yorkers. "You know, as someone who generally sees a lot of the badness the city has to offer, I really do love it," Olivia said.

"You know," Alex replied, "you either love New York or you hate it."

Olivia looked over at her, waiting for her to continue the thought. When she didn't, the detective prompted her. "And which side you erring on?"

Alex's eyes gazed around them. "I don't know yet," she said. "Maybe I love to hate it?"

Olivia scoffed. "That means you love it." She laughed. "Really, Alex, what would be keeping you here, if not the city? Certainly not the job? You could do this line of work anywhere, and be just as successful at it."

Alex nodded. "You're right. I like the rush."

The two walked for a block in silence, taking in the people and the movement around them. After they had walked another block, Olivia began to get antsy. Alex had not extended an invitation to her apartment.

"Olivia," Alex said, as if reading her thoughts. "I'm not going to invite you back to my place." Olivia's face flushed, and Alex quickly continued. "I want to go to yours."

Olivia chuckled, mostly at herself. "Done," she replied. "I can't believe I've never invited you to my _very_ humble abode." Giving Alex a playful smile, she said, "Want to see who can hail a cab first?"

Alex stopped, turning toward Olivia, putting on her game face. "Prepare to lose, Detective," she said, stepping to the sidewalk and extending her arm. Olivia chuckled, walking a few yards down the block before extending her own arm.

"I gotta say," Olivia called out, "I don't like playing against those legs of yours."

Alex blushed, slightly, feeling a breeze against her bare legs, glad she opted for the skirt over the jeans that she'd considered earlier. Before she could respond, two cabs pulled up simultaneously, one in front of each of the women. The two of them glanced at each other before laughing. Olivia opened the door to the cab in front of her, and gestured for Alex to join her. Alex walked over, still chuckling. "Just because we chose your cab doesn't mean you win," she said, sliding into the taxi. Olivia slid in after her, and called out the address to the driver. She sat back in the seat, and let her hand drift toward Alex's knee, where she rested it lightly. Each of them gazed out of the respective windows, smiles reflecting back at them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Monday, smut-day. Had to up the rating, but will continue with the rest of the action later this week. Thanks to all of you who reviewed, I really appreciate it.**

* * *

><p>Alex leaned casually on the kitchen counter as Olivia grabbed two wine glasses from a shelf above the stove. "For a New York apartment, Olivia," she said, gesturing at the room, "you have quite a spacious kitchen."<p>

Olivia nodded sheepishly, setting the glasses on the counter. "Too bad I never really use it."

"If I open your oven, I'll find shoes stored there?" Alex teased.

Olivia's shoulders rocked with a silent chuckle as opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of white wine. "I have one signature dish that requires an oven," she said, grabbing a wine opener from a drawer. "So, sadly, no extra storage there for me."

Alex rested her lower back on the counter, watching the brunette pour the wine into the two glasses. "And what would that be?"

Olivia extended a glass to Alex. "Stuffed cabbage."

Alex raised an eyebrow, accepting the glass. "That sounds so sexy, Olivia," she said slyly, enjoying teasing the detective.

Olivia nodded, tasting the wine, letting it roll across her tongue. "It is if your mother's side of the family is Hungarian. I figured I had to pay my cultural dues and learn how to cook at least one dish."

"I may have to request that for our next date," Alex said. She felt a warm flush cross her cheeks, and she dipped her head down to her wine glass, taking a sip.

Olivia caught the blonde's nervousness, and gave her a warm smile. "I'd love to," she offered. She gestured toward the rest of the apartment. "Would you like the grand tour?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "It will take approximately two minutes."

Alex laughed. "Then we'd better get started," she joked amiably. She followed Olivia out of the kitchen and into the living room, which, although small, benefitted from three large windows facing north into the city. "You have a lovely view, Olivia," she said, in awe, walking up to a window and gazing out into the lights that covered the darkened streets.

Olivia walked up behind her. "I love it," she said. "A window right into the city. I got lucky with that, too."

She took Alex's hand and pulled her into a small adjoining room, where a computer rested haphazardly on a small desk. A wardrobe bulged with sweaters, jackets, and slacks, the breadth of Olivia's uniform. "Middle room," she said, as Alex laughed at her concise description. She pulled Alex into the next room, where a queen-sized bed rested in the middle of the far wall. A chair sat near a window, next to a small table piled with books. Alex set her wine down next to the stack of literature and turned toward Olivia. "You know, I'll judge you by your reading habits at some point," she said playfully.

Alex shrugged. "Needless to say, I'm not a big fan of detective stories."

Alex chuckled. "That makes sense," she said. "Legal thrillers don't do it for me, either." She looked around the room, nodding her head in approval. "You have a great place," she said.

Olivia shook her head, somewhat bashfully. "Nothing compared to yours," she said, "but thank you."

Alex walked closer to Olivia and placed a finger onto her lips. "Why can't you take a compliment when I give you one?" she asked, tracing her finger gently down Olivia's neck, to her collarbone.

Olivia inhaled at the touch, whispering, "I like to give more than receive."

Alex kissed her gently on the lips. "I know that," she responded, her fingers running down Olivia's shirt, grazing the skin at her hip. Olivia inhaled at the cool touch of Alex's fingers, struggling not to spill her wine as Alex pushed her into the wall, her tall, lithe body pressing into the detective's own. Alex leaned in and kissed Olivia, softly at first, then pressing harder, her tongue probing Olivia's lips. The brunette set her wine glass down on the small dresser next to her, the liquid sloshing sloppily in the glass. She brought both hands up to frame Alex's jawbone as she opened her mouth and accepted Alex's willing tongue. The attorney tasted sweet, of the white wine. Olivia's hands moved slowly down Alex's neck before wrapping around her back. Her tongue probed further as she felt Alex's hand slide up her shirt, moving slowly toward Olivia's breast, her fingers gliding over her bra.

Olivia felt her pelvis jerk slightly as she felt Alex grinding against her, both of their bodies becoming hot. She moved her hands to the bottom of Alex's shirt, attempting to pull it off, but Alex's free hand stilled her, assertively pulling the detective's hands away. Alex tore her mouth from Olivia's, tracing her lips against the olive-hued skin as she whispered into Olivia's ear. "I'm in charge." The words sent a slight shiver up Olivia's spine, and the detective trembled as Alex's teeth gently snagged her earlobe.

Alex's hands delved under Olivia's shirt, pushing it up her ribcage and over her head. She let it drop to the floor as she once again ran her hands over Olivia's torso, scraping her fingernails lightly over the sensitive skin of the detective's stomach. She felt Olivia's muscles clench at her touch, and she ran her hands upwards, cupping the brunette's breast. She pulled the bra down, revealing a pert nipple, and ran the tip of her tongue lightly over it. Olivia moaned, arching into Alex's mouth as the blonde's other hand flicked the nipple of her left breast. Alex felt Olivia's hands grip her hair, as she ran her tongue across her chest, biting gently on the other nipple. Olivia's grip tightened as Alex continued working her breasts, slipping off her bra, her fingers touching, pulling in tandem with her mouth. "Yesss," Olivia breathed, as Alex moved her head lower, using her hands to unzip Olivia's pants.

Alex raised her head and pulled Olivia towards the bed, pushing her down on the soft comforter. Olivia raised her hips as Alex tugged off her pants, the blonde's tongue tracing her progress, running over Olivia's toned thighs. Olivia groaned as Alex traced her way back up the detective's body, her tongue pausing, moving slower across the detective's inner thighs. She let a hand drift over Olivia's underwear, feeling the wetness that pooled underneath. She moved lithely back up, resting her still fully clothed form on top of Olivia's. She flipped her hair over her shoulder as she drank in Olivia's brown eyes. "Please," Olivia whispered, fingering Alex's shirt, attempting to raise it. "I want to feel you on top of me."

Alex arced up, straddling Olivia, and pulled her shirt quickly over her head. Olivia's hands immediately went toward Alex's breasts, pulling them from her bra as Alex reached behind her and unclasped the garment, letting it fall from her arms. She closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying Olivia's touch, the way her fingers squeezed her nipples, the way she let her thumbs brush against them. She leaned back down, capturing Olivia's mouth, rubbing her pert nipples across the detective's own.

Alex raised herself off of Olivia, enjoying the way that the detective ran her tongue over her lips, lust getting the best of her. She slipped her skirt off, then her panties, doing the same for Olivia. She moved her head down slowly, letting a finger pump in and out of the brunette's opening. She pulled her fingers out and cupped Olivia's sex, enjoying the wetness that she felt. As her mouth moved over Olivia's mound, she inserted two fingers, pumping slowly as her tongue moved playfully around her clit. Olivia's hips bucked as Alex's tongue flicked over the sensitive spot, and the hips moved into a rhythm as she sucked, flicking her tongue across the swollen bud. Alex felt Olivia grab her head with one hand, entwining her fingers in her hair. She took her lips away momentarily, keeping her fingers in a steady rhythm inside the detective. "You like that, Olivia?" she whispered, and raised her eyes, watching as the detectives chest rose and fell with her labored breathing. Olivia moaned, nodding her head, her fingers pushing Alex's head back between her legs. "God, Alex," she breathed. Alex increased the pressure on Olivia's clit, her tongue matching the speed of her fingers. She thrust harder, feeling Olivia begin to tighten around her hand. The brunette's hips bucked hard as Olivia let out a gutterral moan, the hand in Alex's hair pushing, then pulling. Alex felt Olivia's hips tremble as she came, and kept her tongue on the detective's clit as she writhed beneath her. Once Olivia's hips stilled, Alex placed a kiss on the inside of her thigh. She raised her head, wiping her mouth discreetly before trailing a series of kisses back up Olivia's torso.

"Jesus," Olivia whispered, wiping a sheen of sweat from her brow. She leaned up and met Alex's mouth, tasting herself faintly on the attorney's lips. She felt Alex's mouth open hungrily, her tongue probing forcefully into her mouth. Olivia reached a hand down between her partner's legs, feeling the wetness on her fingers. She let them drift casually over Alex's sex, and heard the blonde moan into her mouth. Olivia withdrew her finger, sliding it over Alex's clit, coating it with her own juices. Alex arched her back, her chest rising and falling rapidly. "Olivia," she said. Olivia leaned over and captured Alex's nipple with her teeth, biting it softly. Alex bucked her hips, and Olivia inserted her finger again, this time pumping it slowly in and out.

Olivia thrust her finger several more times, enjoying the way the attorney writhed beneath her touch. She withdrew her hand once again, eliciting a soft whimper from Alex. She gripped one of Alex's nipples, giving it a slight tug as Alex released a low moan. Olivia placed a finger in Alex's mouth, the blonde eagerly sucking on it. She removed her hand and flicked Alex's nipple before flipping the blonde over, pressing her neck down while lifting her ass towards her. She ran her hand over Alex's curves, leaning over her and trailing several kisses over her spine. She felt Alex buck back against her, and Olivia inserted two fingers into her opening. She pumped in and out, and as Alex's whimpers turned into heavier moans, she inserted a third finger, pumping harder. She used her other hand to cup Alex's breast before moving it down and rubbing it roughly against her clit. Alex's hands lay sprawled out in front of her, her blonde hair covering most of her face, which was pressed sideways into a pillow. She let out another loud moan, pumping back on to Olivia's hand. Olivia continued to thrust, her free hand still working Alex's front. She felt the attorney's legs become rigid as her body shook with her orgasm, her face burying itself in the pillow to muffle her moan. Olivia slipped her hands out of Alex as the blonde collapsed onto the bed. Olivia lay beside her, rubbing a hand up and down Alex's spine, enjoying the way she whimpered at the touch. Alex shifted her head to the side and Olivia combed her hair out of her face, smiling. Alex let out a contented sigh as she looked at Olivia.

"Let's do it again," she said.


	6. Chapter 6

_**I sincerely hope these updates aren't too short. It's all my schedule allows at the moment. Thank you to everyone that has reviewed, I truly enjoy your feedback. Thanks so much.**_

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><p><strong>Sunday, July 19<strong>

Olivia crept back into her apartment, closing the door gently behind her, careful not to wake Alex. The detective had rose at her usual ungodly hour, only trailing the sunrise by ten minutes. Alex had been sleeping peacefully, her blonde hair strewn across the pillow, one hand tucked underneath her head, the other reaching toward Olivia. The brunette watched her sleep, embracing the moment. The two of them rarely actually slept together, Olivia usually pulling on her clothes, mumbling an excuse about getting to work early the next morning. She enjoyed the way the early morning sunlight wafted over Alex's body. She had given herself a few more minutes to run her hand up and down the sleeping blonde's arm, tracing her fingers, and pushing a strand of hair out of her face before rising and heading downstairs to the bagel shop on the corner.

Olivia placed the bagels and two coffees on the kitchen counter and walked back toward the bedroom. Alex lay in the same position, and Olivia slid back into bed beside her, placing a kiss on the blonde's temple. Her eyes fluttered open lazily, and her gaze rested on Olivia. She smiled, sleepily. "Why are you wearing clothes," she murmured.

"I didn't think Lou from the bagel shop downstairs would appreciate it if I didn't," she replied.

Alex's eyes opened a little wider. "Bagels?" she asked approvingly. "Take me to them," she said, giving Olivia a chaste kiss on the lips.

Olivia pushed one leg over Alex's, resting it comfortably between the attorney's thighs. She leaned over and kissed her, letting her hand glide freely up and down the blonde's torso. Alex deepened the kiss, moaning into Olivia as the detective used her knee to apply pressure between the blonde's legs. Alex ran her hands across Olivia's back, enjoying the way her muscles moved beneath her fingers. She moaned once more before gently placing her hands on the detective's chest and separating their lips. Her blue eyes stared for a moment, searching Olivia's face.

"What?" Olivia asked softly.

Alex shook her head, giving a gentle smile. "I like being here," she said simply.

Olivia smiled, pressing her lips to Alex's forehead before laying her head in the crook of Alex's shoulder. The two women lay silently for a moment, each enjoying the feel of the other. Olivia finally tilted her head up at Alex. "It's because I have bagels, isn't it?"

Alex laughed, pushing Olivia out of her arms. "You know it," she teased.

Olivia climbed out of the bed, pulling Alex with her. As the attorney picked up her clothes from last night, Olivia headed back into the kitchen, pulling the bagels out of the bag and placing them onto plates. She poured the coffee into a couple of real mugs, and arranged breakfast on the table. A few minutes later, she heard Alex pad barefoot into the living room. Aside from her skirt being a little wrinkled from being crumpled onto the floor all night, Olivia thought she still looked regal.

"Breakfast," she said, gesturing toward the small kitchen high-top table, "is served."

Alex smiled, taking her seat. "These look amazing," she said, her mouth already salivating.

Olivia joined her at the table, pointing to the two bagel halves on Alex's plate. "One lox and cream cheese, the other cream cheese and tomato."

Alex nodded appreciatively, before chomping into one of the bagels. "What are your plans today?" she asked, swallowing.

Olivia took a sip of her coffee, giving the question some thought. "Maybe go for a run," she replied. She glanced at Alex over the rim of her cup. "Want to come?"

Alex finished chewing another bite of her bagel, daintily wiping the corner of her mouth with a napkin. "Are you kidding? After this breakfast, of course I'll come." She glanced down at her skirt. "I trust I can borrow some running clothes?"

Olivia gave a quick nod. "Of course."

Alex gave a quick look out of the windows, pleased at the weather. "Maybe we can get the paper afterward, read a little in the park or something. It's such a nice day."

Olivia took another bite of her bagel. "I only read the Sunday Magazine," she said, authoritatively. She swallowed, washing down the bagel with a sip of coffee.

Alex peered at her, amused. "Is that so?" she asked.

"Mhmm. I can't deal with the constant news stream, the same stories building day after day, more bad news. I get that enough from work. The magazine has more depth, more analysis. I get the full picture."

Alex raised her eyebrows. "Well said, Olivia." She popped the last bit of her bagel in her mouth. "You get dibs on the magazine."

Olivia's phone, which lay on the table beside her coffee mug, buzzed. Olivia gave Alex an apologetic gesture, then picked it up. "Benson," she said. Alex watched as Olivia got up from the table and slowly made her way into the middle room, her brown eyes darkening with concern. "Where?" Alex heard her ask, her voice lowering. The attorney took a sip of her coffee, fingering the bagel that she was now sure she would not get a chance to finish. She felt a slight pang as she realized that Olivia had these types of moments all too often in her line of work. She popped her head up as Olivia walked back into the living room.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, pushing her bagel away from her. Her stomach felt slightly nauseated, but she couldn't pinpoint where the feeling came from.

Olivia walked over to the table and took a long sip of her coffee. "They found the Jamie Worth, the missing student," she said, her eyes boring into her cup.

Alex stared at her, dropping her mouth open slightly. "Is she all right?"

Olivia shook her head, her eyes finally meeting Alex's. The attorney caught a glimpse of subdued sadness, as if the detective was resigned to delivering bad news. "They found her body," Olivia answered, taking another long sip of her coffee. She down at Alex, feeling exposed as the blue eyes fixed her with a gaze she couldn't quite read. "I need to get to the scene," she said quietly.

Alex nodded, not sure of what she was supposed to do. "Of course," she said, standing. She felt disoriented, at a loss as to how to deal with such a scenario on personal turf. Their current situation was very different than handling details at the precinct or on the job. It felt much more visceral, and Alex was unsure of whether she should try and comfort Olivia or whether to just leave.

Olivia struggled with the same thoughts, uncomfortable at placing Alex in such a position. This was their time, off the job, and she didn't want Alex to be privy to a life of violence, with crime shadowing her every day. "Alex," Olivia said, letting her hand graze the woman's cheek. "I really don't want to go," she said, emotion creeping into her voice. "I'm sorry."

Alex felt the detective's apology, warmth spreading through her body from where Olivia touched her. "Go," she said. "Let me grab my things," she said, moving from Olivia's touch and into action.

"Wait," Olivia said, walking into the kitchen and grabbing something out of a drawer. She walked back to Alex and pressed a key into her hand. "Just lock up when you leave," she said, her eyes meeting Alex's.

Alex nodded, gripping the key. Olivia leaned into her and pressed a lingering kiss on her kips. "I gotta go," she said, apologetically, as she grabbed her wallet and badge from the kitchen table. Alex watched her walk toward the door, giving one last look as she walked out.

"Call me later," Alex called as the door slammed shut.

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><p>Olivia walked quickly, a slight breeze from the bay tossing her short hair. She saw Elliot, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, standing next to a crime scene tech, their heads turned towards the rocky embankment. Her feet crunched across the gravel and the two men turned toward her.<p>

"What do we got?" she asked, stopping at the two of them and turning her gaze toward the water. The tech stepped in front of the detectives and motioned them forward. Melinda Werner, medical examiner assigned to the special victims unit, was hunched next to the body, which had been wrapped in a heavy tarp and secured with plastic straps. The plastic had been cut open down the middle and pulled away, revealing the bloated, naked body of Jamie Worth. Olivia's stomach lurched, and she was secretly glad that she hadn't eaten her bagel earlier that morning.

Elliot shook his head. "Sorry to have to call you out on the weekend, Melinda."

Melinda looked up at the two detectives. "I'm sorry, too," she said, glancing down at the body. "Hearing from you two is never good."

Olivia moved closer to the body, squatting down next to the medical examiner. "Was she raped?" she asked.

Melinda nodded. "Bruising around the thighs," she said. "I'll know more after I've taken her in."

Olivia's eyes drifted toward the right side of the chest. "Elliot," she said, pointing toward a vertical incision above the breast. Elliot looked down, his eyes widening as he shook his head. "Roman numeral one," he said. "We've got our first victim."

Olivia nodded. "Shit," she murmured, under her breath. She looked up at Melinda. "Can you tell when she died?"

Melinda gazed levelly at the remains. "I would estimate she's been in the water for about four days now. Judging from the trauma to the back of her head, I'd say she died from a head injury, and was dumped after death."

Elliot gazed at the bay. "Probably a few blocks up," he said, indicating the current. He thought for a moment to himself. "Cops found nothing indicating a struggle Worth's apartment. Roommate said she didn't come home one night after work. So our guy must have did this someplace else."

Olivia nodded. "Fits with the timeline. Started with Worth, then moved onto Flanagan."

Elliot squinted into the sun, the glare on the water blinding him for a moment. "This guy's moving fast," he said, worry edging into his voice.

Olivia looked from Werner back to her partner. "We gotta move faster," she said. "Elliot, I'll head over to the station, talk to Williams from missing persons."

Elliot nodded. "He's on his way to notify the mother. He'll meet us at the station after."

Melinda stood, brushing her hands. "I'll complete the autopsy today. Come Monday, we'll be backlogged anyway. Might has well get this one started."

"You'll give me a call when you're finished?" Olivia asked. "I'll catch this one, Elliot, why don't you go home?" she offered, knowing the weekends were priceless to Elliot and his family. Elliot steeled his gaze as he glanced back down at the body. "It's okay," he assured his partner. "I got the fam covered. I want to talk to Williams, too." He gave Olivia a pointed look. "Let's get this guy."

Olivia nodded, looking back at the young victim. She felt the well of guilt open up inside her, a familiar sensation, one that arose whenever she came upon a victim she couldn't save. She lost victims often, she saw the loss that families went through. She couldn't imagine putting herself at risk for that same kind of pain. Alex flashed through her mind, and her guilt was replaced with a well of fear. She shook her head, attempting to clear her mind, and waited, watching as the techs loaded the body into the medical examiner's van.

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><p>Elliot slammed his locker shut and ran a hand over his closely cropped hair. He walked over to Olivia's desk, stopping beside her. "Let me give you a lift," he offered. "It's late."<p>

Olivia looked at the files that lay open on her desk, then back up at Elliot. He cut her off before she could refuse his offer. "Not taking any excuses, Olivia. You're not gonna make any more progress on this case right now, you know that." He sighed, giving her an empathetic look. "We got the autopsy covered today, tomorrow we'll scout The Alliance, see if anyone noticed anything suspicious around Worth."

Olivia nodded, realizing that she had to get some sleep if she was going to pull her weight on the case. She definitely hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, staying pretty well occupied with Alex for most of the night. She felt the urge to call the detective, and invite her over, but squelched the desire once she looked at her watch. It was past nine. She stood, and followed Elliot out of the precinct.

"Elliot, how do you do this job and go home to Kathy every night? Do you talk about it?" she asked, looking over at him.

Her partner looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "We talk about it some, yeah," he responded.

"You don't feel the need to protect her from it?" she asked.

Elliot shook his head. "Olivia, that's only fighting a losing battle," he said, holding the station doors open for her. "You'll never win that."

She walked out into the cool night air, and Elliot followed behind her. "Just gotta have faith," he said, giving her a confident smile. "Spouses, partners, whatever, they're always stronger than you think. They won't break." He ducked inside the squad car, and Olivia followed, trying as much as possible to take his words to heart.

Olivia walked into her apartment, tossing her badge onto the kitchen counter. She peered out her window, flashing back to the morning, where Alex sat at her kitchen table, sipping a cup of coffee. A part of her wished the attorney was here now, but a stronger part of her knew that she didn't want to share the emotional baggage that came with her job. She sighed, turning and opening the refrigerator, knowing full well that the only edible items that would greet her would be a block of cheese, some wilted lettuce from two weeks ago, and a jar of olives. At least she still had the leftover bottle of wine. Olivia did a double-take as the light flipped on, bathing the inside of her refrigerator in a fluorescent glow. A container sat on the shelf, a small note sitting on top of it. A half-gallon of milk sat in the refrigerator, as well as a loaf of bread and a small bag of fruit. Olivia pulled out the container, recognizing Alex's scrawl on the note.

_Your refrigerator made me sad. I picked up a couple of things. Take care, Alex._

Olivia felt her face flush as she smiled, fingering the note as she opened the container, revealing a fresh stir-fry, a myriad of veggies mixing in with noodles and chicken. Olivia's stomach growled, and she realized she hadn't eaten in hours. As she microwaved a small dish of the meal, she opened up the bottle of wine, taking a sip. She reached for her phone, and dialed Alex's number. Her face fell in disappointment as Alex's voicemail picked up.

_This is Alex, leave a message._

"I may not be much of a cook," Olivia said into the phone, "but I see that you are. Thank you so much for the dinner, Alex. The only thing that would make it better is if you were here to enjoy it with me." She cringed, sure her comment sounded corny. She spoke faster. "Anyway, uh, I'll talk to you later. Bye." She hung up and tossed her phone on the table, shaking her head. "Your game has disappeared altogether," she said aloud. She shrugged then turned her attention back to her homemade meal.


	7. Chapter 7

_Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed. I really enjoying hearing feedback from you all. _

**Monday, July 20**

Olivia glanced up as Alex walked into the precinct, almost sensing her presence. She did not, however, sense Liz, who followed the ADA into Cragen's office. Elliot glanced at Olivia, raising an eyebrow. She shrugged. The two of them followed the two attorneys, shutting Cragen's door behind them. Alex caught Olivia's eye, giving the detective a private smile before turning her attention to the entire group. "Liz wanted to be here for the meeting," she explained, gesturing toward her boss.

"Damn right I did," Liz said, her arms crossed over her chest, her lips in a tight line. She glanced at Cragen, giving him a slight nod. "Morning, Captain."

Cragen nodded back at her, motioning for Liz to sit in one of the leather chairs in front of his desk. She instead opted to lean on the credenza lining his wall, taking a spot next to Alex. Cragen cleared his throat, looking down at a file that sat open on his desk. "We've got a survivor who was raped, a roman numeral two carved into her chest." He fingered several pictures that sat inside the folder. "We got another victim who was also raped, with a roman numeral one on her chest, but who did not survive the attack." His fingers passed over another set of pictures. "Jessica Flanagan, spokeswoman for the ACLU's pro-marriage rights campaign. Deceased, Jamie Marsh, President of The Alliance, a gay and lesbian organization at CUNY that held campus rallies for the gay marriage law." Cragen paused, gesturing towards Elliot and Olivia. "Fill me in, detectives, I need a lot more than this."

Elliot nodded, cutting in. "Flanagan didn't see her attacker, but a neighbor did see a suspicious male on the fire escape outside her bedroom window the night before the assault."

Alex interrupted. "This fire escape was shared with another apartment?"

Olivia nodded before continuing. "It was, but the neighbor said the guy was wearing a dark colored baseball cap. According to Flanagan, she got into a heated debate with a gentleman at a pro-marriage rally a couple of weeks ago who wore a dark maroon Oklahoma Sooners baseball cap." She glanced at Alex and Liz. "Could be a connection."

"Any lead on the guy?" Cragen asked.

Elliot nodded. "We found a Youtube video that caught the altercation, but it's a little fuzzy. We're headed down to the Alliance office this morning to check around on the guy's identity."

"We think this guy's a student?" Cragen raised his eyebrows.

Olivia shook her head. "We don't know, but we suspect a guy more in his late thirties, what with the nature of the crime." She glanced at Elliot. "He also seems to be a little inexperienced."

Liz gawked. "How so?"

"His first crime didn't go as planned," Olivia explained. "We talked with Dr. Werner yesterday, and both the rape and the chest carvings occurred postmortem. Jessica Worth died from blunt force trauma to the head. Based upon Flanagan's attack, it would seem that the perp wanted his victims to survive."

"What makes you think that?" Alex asked.

"The chest carvings," Olivia explained. "He wanted his victims to be branded, to have a constant reminder of him, of the crime. Killing Jessica Worth was a first timers mistake."

Liz rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm glad to see he's getting better at his craft." She sighed. "No evidence at all?"

"We're working on it," Elliot said with a slight edge to his voice. "The perp left no prints at Flanagan's, there was no sign of a struggle at Worth's apartment, and her roommate said she called the cops only after Worth failed to come home one night."

Cragen summarized. "So, we got no weapon, no DNA – "

"No case," Liz cut in. She checked her watch and stood. "I think I'm done here." She nodded toward Cragen, Elliot, and Olivia. "Thank you, Detectives. I'll leave it to Alex." She walked out of the office, letting the door close behind her.

Alex heaved a sigh. "Needless to say, this is a big deal for the DA's office."

Elliot looked toward his boss. "Captain, we got work to do," he said.

Cragen nodded, giving Elliot and Olivia a trusted look. "Let's debrief this afternoon after you've visited the Alliance." He glanced quickly at Alex. "We'll keep you updated, Counselor."

Alex nodded, and she, Olivia, and Elliot filed out of Cragen's office. Elliot went straight for the coffee machine as his partner lingered at the entrance of the precinct with Alex. She gave her a warm smile. "You know," she said, leaning into the attorney in confidence, "I had the best dinner last night."

Alex beamed, her blue eyes flashing with warmth. "What'd you make?" she asked, playing along.

Olivia laughed. "Alex, really, thank you. You didn't have to do that."

Alex put up a hand in front of her, silencing the detective with a smile. "Please, Olivia, you had nothing. I had to run some errands of my own, so I picked some things up." She fished in her purse for a moment, searching for something. She pulled out a small, empty Tupperware container. "This is yours. I kind of took some of that dinner with me last night."

Olivia chuckled, taking the clean container from her. "Kill two dinners with one stone, so to speak?" she asked, her brown eyes gleaming.

Alex nodded, and fished a smaller object from her purse. "And this," she said, holding Olivia's key out to her. "Thanks for letting me shack up for the morning."

Olivia shook her head, refusing to accept the key. "Why don't you keep it?" she asked. Her face flushed in embarrassment, thoughts of lesbian U-haul jokes racing through her mind. "I – I mean," she stammered, "that I don't have anyone around with a spare key, and you never know when I'll need one."

Alex smirked, enjoying for a moment the way that Olivia's cheeks reddened. "I can definitely be gatekeeper to your spare key," she said. Her face turned serious for a moment, her blue eyes troubled. "Good luck today, in the field. If you want to talk things out later, anything, about the case, just give me a call. Okay?"

Olivia crossed her arms in front of her chest, only to keep her from putting them around Alex. She nodded. "I will." She kept herself from brushing a hand out to touch the other woman. Instead she watched her turn and walk away, noticing how the blonde kept her slender fingers wrapped around the key.

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><p>Elliot and Olivia wove through students as they wandered through the public policy graduate building on CUNY's campus. Students sat, most of them plugged into computers, ear buds in their ears, heads bent over their keyboards. Others sat in small groups, highlight in textbooks or debating with one another. Elliot pointed toward a door on their right. "Aha," he said, pointing to the plate next to the door that read, "Graduate Student Organizations."<p>

He held the door open for Olivia and walked in behind her. A series of cubicles zigzagged across the room, and small nameplates announced the name of each student organization as the two detectives searched for the Alliance's space. They found it along the far wall, two students sitting together, their heads peering at a computer screen.

"Excuse me," Elliot said, flashing his badge to both of them. The first student's eyes widened, and she pushed her reading glasses on top of her head. "My name is Detective Stabler, this is Detective Benson," Elliot continued. "Mind if we ask you both a couple of questions?"

The male student ran his palms across his jean-covered thighs. "This is about Jamie, isn't it?" he said, his voice wavering slightly.

Olivia nodded. "Did you know her very well?" she asked, empathetically.

Both of the students nodded. "We were all officers together," the girl responded. She pointed towards her partner. "This is Phil, Vice President, and I'm Secretary. My name's Kali."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Olivia said. She paused for a moment before continuing. "We wanted to talk with you and the Alliance members to see if you'd noticed anyone strange hanging out with the group, or attending any events."

Phil spoke up again. "Another police officer already asked us this," he said, bitterness creeping into his voice. "It didn't seem to help anything, did it?"

Elliot looked at the young man. "We may have a lead to the person that did this," he said. "We can only put this guy away if you help us. Did either of you attend a pro-marriage rally a couple of weeks ago?"

The girl nodded. "I did. Jamie and I got to meet Jessica Flanagan that day. She was awesome, and Jamie was pretty excited. We got to talk with her for a few minutes after her speech, but some guy started railing in on her and she bailed."

Olivia's ears perked up at the new information. "What guy?" she prompted.

Kali shrugged. "I don't know who he was, just your average nut job. Yelling about the sanctity of marriage, homosexuals going to hell, the usual. Jamie and I pretty much ignored him, but I only think that made him madder."

"Did you exchange any words with him?" Olivia asked.

"Not really, the usual eye rolls mostly. It's not worth it to engage."

"Do you remember what he looked like? What he was wearing?" Olivia questioned, taking out her notepad.

Kali nodded. "Baseball cap, t-shirt, and jeans. It was a hot day."

"What color was the cap? Can you describe it?"

Kali concentrated. "Red? A dark red, I guess. I don't really remember."

Olivia nodded, and flipped a couple of pages back in her notebook. She showed it to Kali, asking, "This it?"

Kali nodded. "That's it." She looked up at the detectives, from one to the other. "You think _that_ guy killed Jamie?" she asked, panic slowly creeping into her voice.

Elliot shook his head. "We're just following up on some leads," he said.

Phil piped up, lifting his head slowly. "Let me see that sketch?" he said, reaching out his hand for Olivia's notepad. She handed it over and he stared down at the drawing, his brow furrowed in concentration. "I've seen that logo before," he murmured. He paused for a moment, his eyes staring blankly at the paper. "Red cap," he said, under his breath. Suddenly, he dropped the pad. "I saw a guy wearing a baseball cap with that same symbol at a National Organization for Marriage chapter meeting about a month ago." He shuddered. "I even talked to him, asked him what team the cap represented."

"Oklahoma Sooners," Elliot responded.

Phil nodded, looking up at the detective. "That's right," he said. "Anyway, the guy was a little weird. But he did say he goes to chapter meetings a lot, but he didn't really talk to anyone. Guy seemed like a loner."

Olivia nodded, her mind already moving into action. "Phil, that's incredibly helpful. Where are these chapter meetings held?"

Phil turned and pressed a few keys on his computer, bringing up his email. He did a quick search. "They're not really advertised, but I got on the list." His eyes scanned the email. "They're held bimonthly. The next one's this Thursday." He pressed a key on the computer. "I'll print this out for you," he said, rising from his chair. "I'll go grab it from the printer," he said, moving past Olivia and Elliot.

Kali spoke up again, quietly. "You really think this guy did it?" she asked, quietly, almost as if to herself.

Olivia reached a hand out to the girl's shoulder. "We're going to work nonstop until we find the man that did this, okay?"

Elliot moved aside as Phil returned, carrying a sheet of paper. "Here you go," he said, hand it over to Elliot before taking his seat again.

The detective nodded at him. "Thank you, both," he said. He glanced at Olivia and signaled the door. "You both give me a call if you remember anything else out of the ordinary, okay?" he said, handing them each a business card. The students nodded, silently, and Elliot and Olivia made their way to the door.

* * *

><p>"I'm looking for Detective Benson?"<p>

Olivia turned her head at the voice, abandoning her cup of coffee on the precinct's makeshift food table. She felt a jolt of surprise as she saw Jessica Flanagan standing in the center of the entryway. Olivia walked over, extending her hand toward her and placing a gentle hand on the older woman's upper arm. "Jessica, how are you?" she asked, her eyes already skimming the woman's appearance. Her blonde hair was combed neatly to her shoulders, and the bruises along the side of her face had faded, leaving a yellow pallor along her jaw line. Her lip had healed somewhat, no longer swollen, but a thin scab showed through her light lipstick. Dark shadows pooled under her eyes, and the fine lines along her forehead had deepened.

"I had some business in the area…" she said, trailing off. She took a deep breath, looking Olivia in the eye with flat, blue eyes. "And just thought I would see if you'd found any leads."

Olivia gave the woman an understanding nod. "Would you like some coffee?" she asked. Jessica nodded, and followed Olivia up the flight of stairs in the precinct, where Olivia guided her into a chair. "I'll be right back," she said. "Cream, sugar?"

Jessica shook her head. "Black," she said. "Thanks."

Olivia nodded, and headed back down the steps. She filled another cup of coffee, not looking forward to breaking the news to Jessica about the previous victim. Still, she had to ask about the connection at the rally, to find out more about the altercation. Again, Olivia felt an all-too-familiar lurch in her stomach as she walked back up the stairs. She set two cups of coffee down on the table, and sat down next to Jessica. She peered closely at her as the older blonde took a sip of the coffee, her blue eyes glancing over the rim of the mug. Olivia noticed the cast that encircled her wrist. "Jessica," she began earnestly, "how are you doing?"

Jessica seemed to note the sincerity in Olivia's voice. "Honestly, I'd be doing a lot better if you told me you had a lead on that bastard."

Olivia looked down at her cup, giving Jessica a silent answer. She looked back up at her. "We're working very hard on this, Jessica." She paused, and shifted in her seat, leaning forward. "I was going to give you a call today, actually. I wanted to ask you a few more questions about the day of the rally. A conversation you had after your speech with a young graduate student. Do you remember that?"

Jessica thought for a moment, then smiled. "Oh yes," she said, her face lighting up with the memory. It was the first time Olivia had seen her smile, and it was striking. She felt a pang of sadness as Jessica continued. "She was a policy student at CUNY. Quite a mouth on her, too, she was there when that nutcase started his tirade. I had to tell her she was wasting her breath." She let out a low chuckle as she looked at Olivia. "Why?"

Olivia took a deep breath, and she saw Jessica's expression change, back to the seemingly permanent look of uncertainty and fear. "Why?" she asked again, whispering. Her hands quivered, and she clasped them together in her lap.

"Jessica, we believe she was a victim of the same man that attacked you," she said.

Flanagan's face fell, and her breath caught in her throat. "What?" she asked. She looked back at Olivia. "Is she okay?"

Olivia shook her head, wanting to deliver the bad news as quickly as possible. "Yesterday morning, her body was found." She watched as Jessica glanced away, then brought her hand back to her coffee mug, picking it up. Her hand shook, sloshing coffee onto the table, and Olivia reached over and took the cup from her. She watched, pained, as the woman tried desperately to control her emotions. "Jessica – " she began.

Jessica looked up at her, her blue eyes boring into Olivia's with an urgent guilt. "If I had remembered something, given you anything to go on, you could have stopped this," she said.

Olivia shook her head vehemently, and placed an arm on the table, her fingertips barely brushing the other woman's. "No, Jessica, that's not the way it works, okay?" she assured her. "This happened before your attack." She had to glance away, guilt weighing on her chest. "I'm sorry," she said.

Jessica shook her head, her voice low. "Jesus. That poor girl." She looked up at Olivia questioningly, but hesitated. "Why did he kill her?" she asked, softly. "Why did he kill _her_?" Her voice wavered, and a short sob escaped her throat. "Is he coming back?" she asked.

Olivia let her hand rest on top of the older woman's, giving it a squeeze, when the woman didn't pull back. "Jessica," she said, attempting to catch the woman's eyes. "We won't let anything else happen to you, okay? You're completely safe, and no one will hurt you again," she said, realizing as the words left her lips that she was violating a cardinal rule of the job. Still, she would keep an eye out on Jessica herself if it meant helping the woman.

Jessica let out a bitter laugh, causing Olivia to flinch. "Well, this will give me a new angle with my therapist," she said. Her bitter expression disappeared, and her features softened. "I called the woman you suggested. She's good, she's been helpful." Her eyes drifted toward her coffee mug. "Now, if only I could get Megan to go."

Olivia looked at her. "Megan?" she asked.

Jessica nodded, her eyes flitting back to her coffee mug, which she once again took in her hands. "My therapist thinks it would be good. We're both drifting around each other, walking on eggshells. She's afraid of me, I can tell."

"Why?" Olivia asked.

Jessica pinned her eyes on the detective's in a penetrating stare. "Because I'm a victim."

Olivia shook her head. "Jessica, you're not a – "

Jessica cut her off. "I know that, Detective. In my head, I'm a survivor. Don't worry, I'm working through it. But for a partner to see you so vulnerable, to look at your body and know that some bastard broke you, that's a tough hole to climb out of. It hasn't been easy."

Olivia nodded, words failing her at the moment. Jessica steeled her features, glancing back at the detective. "How can I help you track down the only suspect you seem to have?" she asked, regaining control.

Olivia glanced up at her, lost in the blonde woman's eyes. Clear blue eyes. Jessica waited for a moment before placing a hand on her arm. "Detective Benson?" she asked, concern wafting through her eyes. Blue eyes. Olivia saw Alex in her mind, the blue eyes that she'd grown accustomed to seeing. She shook herself, transporting herself back into the moment.

"I'm sorry," was all she could say.

* * *

><p>Alex sat on her couch, a pen poised over a yellow legal pad. Her eyes stared at her notes, but her mind had been drifting for several minutes. She flashed back to Olivia's face the previous morning, the way she had tried to cover her emotion after receiving the call about the missing girl. Alex had watched her close herself off, clicking into work mode, becoming the unflappable Detective Benson. She hadn't spoken to her since early that morning, and she felt a tinge of worry that Olivia would shut herself off. She sighed, forcing her mind back to the yellow notepad. She had managed to scribble a few unhelpful notes when she heard a knock at the door. She lifted her head, glancing quickly at her watch, surprised to see it was already after 10:00. She raised herself off of the couch and walked through the short entryway, glancing through the peephole. She unlocked the door, yanking it open.<p>

"Olivia," she said, her voice laced with concern. "What are you doing here?"

Olivia didn't answer, instead pushing Alex further inside, tapping the door closed with her foot. Her hands were immediately on the blonde, caressing her arms, her face, running through her hair. She placed her lips against the attorney's, kissing her hard, relishing the sweet taste of her mouth. Alex tasted whiskey on the detective's lips. She reached her hands up, pushing lightly against Olivia's chest, breaking the kiss. Her eyes searched the brunette's face. "Olivia, what's going on?"

She still didn't answer, leaning into the attorney and pushing her against the wall. She placed a hand on the back of Alex's neck, once again pulling the woman into her mouth, parting her lips with a pleading tongue. Alex reciprocated, her hands on Olivia's shoulders. She felt Olivia's hand on her breast, kneading it forcefully. Alex let out a low hiss before placing her hands on Olivia's chest. Despite the stirring in her pelvic region, her concern for the detective won out. "Olivia, talk to me," she insisted.

"I don't want to talk," she responded, and Alex could see that her brown eyes were vacant. She took her by the hand, attempting to lead her to the couch. "Then sit with me," she offered.

Olivia pulled Alex's hand back, once again pushing her against the wall. "I don't want to sit," she said, her lips brushing the blonde's neck. Alex felt her resolve crumble as she felt Olivia's teeth on her earlobe. A limber finger slid beneath the waist of her pants, and she inhaled sharply. "See, you don't want to sit, either," Olivia mumbled, fingering the wetness she found there. Alex moaned as she felt Olivia's teeth nick the skin behind her ear. She wanted to let her partner continue, but she still pulled Olivia's hand away, pushing lightly against her. "No, Olivia," she said, seriously. The two women looked at each other for a moment, Alex breathing heavily. Olivia stared, captured by her blue eyes. Her mind flashed to the bruises that still faintly lined Jessica Flanagan's jaw, and she shook her head violently, taking a step back from the attorney. Alex took a step closer to her, confusion in her eyes, and ran a hand gently through short brown locks. "Olivia," she breathed. "I'm more than happy to give you what you need," she said, her blue eyes deepening. "But I'm not sure you know what that is."

Olivia closed her eyes for a moment, relishing the feel of Alex's fingers in her hair. She opened her eyes, and was once again met with the attorney's clear blue gaze. She felt Alex take her by the hand, leading her out of the hallway and into the kitchen. She filled a cup of water, and placed it gently into the detective's hands. "Here," she said. She stood next to Olivia, resting her tall form on the counter. Olivia gulped the water, the cool liquid soothing her burning throat. She felt Alex looking at her, and could practically feel her questioning eyes.

Olivia turned her head toward her. "Jessica Flanagan showed up at the station today," she began. "I don't know what happened, but it just set me off on this spiral… " She trailed off, taking another sip of her water. She felt Alex's hand on her back, moving in soft circles. "I had to tell her about Jamie Worth, and… I could just feel the fear radiating off of her, Alex. Fear because we haven't caught the guy that did this, fear because he could do it again." She sighed. "I dropped her off at her house and I just felt her deadness for everything."

Alex's hand kept its rhythm on the detective's back. "Olivia, it's not permanent," she reminded her. "She'll get through it. A perp won't always own her, you know that."

Olivia nodded. "I know, I'm seeing her just like everyone else is. As a victim." She shook her head. "I think that's what's so hard for her…" She ran a hand over her face, attempting to wipe the exhaustion from her features.

Alex put a hand on her shoulder. "Come lay down with me," she said. "Get some rest."

Olivia said nothing, but let herself be lead out of the kitchen, as Alex locked her door and flipped off the lights in the living room, leading the two of them to the bedroom. Olivia walked into the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face. Her eyes caught Alex's toothbrush holder, where a second, new toothbrush rested beside the attorney's own. Olivia grabbed it, brushing the whiskey off of her breath. She placed it back into the holder with a small smile. She felt Alex step in behind her, and she caught the blonde's eyes in the mirror and gave her a slight grin before turning to face her. "Thanks for the toothbrush," she said, pecking Alex on the lips.

Alex smiled. "Thanks for using it," she said, playfully pushing Olivia out of the way and taking her place at the sink. Olivia walked back into the bedroom, peeling her shirt over her head. She slipped off the rest of her clothes, walking over to the bed and pulling on the t-shirt that Alex had laid out for her. She lay back on the bed, relishing its softness. She saw the bathroom light turn off, watching as Alex rounded the bed, slipping off her casual pajama pants, leaving on just her thin white t-shirt. The blonde slipped into the bed and inched closer to Olivia, sitting up on her elbows. She reached out a hand and laid it on her stomach. "You know, Olivia, you're feeling this way because you're a good cop." She looked up at the brunette, her hands trailing across her belly. "And that's all you can do, is be a good cop. You can't stop every crime. And no one expects you to." She placed a light kiss on Olivia's taut muscles.

Olivia reached down, pulling Alex up to meet her eyes before placing a light kiss on her lips. "Thank you," she said. She pulled the blonde closer, deepening the kiss, and felt Alex slip one leg over her waist, straddling her. The blonde pulled her lips away briefly, and whispered, "I'm supposed to be letting you sleep."

Olivia traced her tongue across Alex's lower lip, her hands gripping the woman's hips as she rolled over, trapping the attorney underneath her. "Not yet," she said, moving her head down to Alex's breast, capturing her nipple with her mouth. She sucked, pulling slightly with her teeth as she felt Alex's back arch into her. She used her free hand to play with the woman's other nipple. She switched off, placing her mouth on the opposite breast, and moving her hand around to knead the other, going back and forth until she felt Alex's hips bucking beneath her, the lithe body writhing with an unmet need. "Please, Olivia," Alex said, reaching a hand down in between her own legs, attempting to give herself some relief. Olivia reached down, gently moving the lean fingers away, trapping Alex's hand on the bed. The detective leaned back, giving herself a view of Alex's slit, which glistened wetly. She watched as the blonde moved underneath her, rolling her hips, enjoying the beauty beneath her. She let a finger trace one nipple, feeling it's hardness, then another, then moved down Alex's thin stomach, feeling goose bumps, past her belly button, and around her clit. Olivia slipped one finger in, relishing the wet warmth. She felt Alex's hips buck to meet her, wanting more. She pulled her finger out, gently tracing the inside of the attorney's thighs. Alex moaned in frustration. Olivia's hand drifted slowly, slowly back up Alex's thigh, once again tracing her clit. "Alex," she said, her finger pressing lightly against the blonde's bud. "What do you want?"

Alex's eyes were closed, enjoying the feel of the detective's hand. "I want you inside me," she said.

Olivia dipped another finger into Alex's center, pumping it slowly. "Like this?"

Alex's hips undulated beneath her. "More," the blonde said, her tongue running over her lower lip.

Olivia slipped in another finger, pumping deeper, but still slowly. "Like this?" she asked, knowing very well that Alex would take more as soon as she was ready. Olivia placed one knee in between Alex's legs, and let her sex drop onto the blonde's thigh, rubbing it against her as she continued to pump her fingers. Alex's breath deepened, and she let out another moan as her hips rose to meet Olivia's hand. "Yes," she breathed. "Ohhh, fuck me," she moaned.

Olivia exhaled, slipping another finger into Alex as she leaned over the blonde. Alex reached up, pulling Olivia's mouth onto hers. Olivia moaned into the kiss, then inhaled sharply as she felt Alex insert two fingers inside her. "Alex," she said, bucking her hips as she rode the blonde's fingers, her own hand still working vigorously inside her partner. The two moved in sync, their hips grinding against each other. Olivia could feel Alex's breath becoming shallower, and she felt the blonde's fingers pump harder as she edged closer to climax. Olivia moaned into Alex's ear, feeling the blonde insert another finger inside her, curling them towards her sensitive walls. She captured Alex's lips, their tongues crashing into one another, as Olivia moved her fingers faster. The two moaned into one another, Alex trying to pace herself along with the detective. She felt Olivia's walls tighten around her fingers at same time as her orgasm crashed through her. Both women slowed their frantic movements to a slow grind, enjoying the feel of one another. Alex removed her hand, wrapping her arms around Olivia's back. The detective moved her fingers up to Alex's hair, placing a lingering kiss upon her lips. She moved a strand of stray hair from Alex's forehead, letting her lips follow her movement, placing a kiss on the blonde's forehead, her cheek, her neck. She felt Alex let out a contented sigh before whispering, "I love you."

Olivia felt her chest tighten, then immediately relax. She looked down and smiled, forgetting the job, forgetting anything beyond the blue eyes that looked up at her. "I love you," she said, collapsing her weight against the length of Alex's body, enjoying the rise and fall of her partner's chest beneath her.


	8. Chapter 8

**_A part of me wishes I had more patience for editing, but the other part wants to update so that I keep getting your wonderful feedback. Clearly the latter is stronger. Apologies for any offensive language or terminology - just the way the story goes._**

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday, July 23<strong>

Elliot and Olivia walked side by side down a busy street, each biting into a hotdog. Elliot chewed silently, giving his partner a sidelong glance. "Liv," he said, his mouth full, "you wearing the same clothes from yesterday?"

Olivia caught some mustard that threatened to droop of her hotdog with the tip of her tongue. "I've been waiting for you to bring that up," she said.

Elliot chuckled, tossing his head back. "I noticed it this morning. Just like I noticed the day before yesterday. And that one morning last week." He took another bite of his hotdog, waiting for his partner to offer more information. When she kept eating, he pried further. "Okay, Liv, who is she?"

Olivia felt her stomach drop. She took another large bite, keeping her mouth full, buying time. She focused on the walk signal across the street, but felt her partner staring down at her. "Just a girl," she finally replied, trying to keep her voice flippant. She turned her head slightly, her eyes glancing back at her partner.

Elliot nodded knowingly as they continued across the street, eyeing her for a moment before asking his next question. "Is it Alex?"

Olivia felt her throat hitch, pulling her hotdog down the wrong pipe. She coughed, wheezing as she turned her body towards Elliot, stopping midstride. "What makes you think that?" she choked.

Elliot smirked, stopping along with her. "Come on, Liv, I'm married, not blind."

"Who else knows?" she demanded, her hotdog all but forgotten in her hand.

Elliot watched her reaction, amused. "Oh, everyone," he said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Cragen calls me into his office every morning craving for an update on your love life."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Jesus, Elliot." She turned and kept walking, tossing the last end of her hotdog in a nearby trashcan.

Elliot quickened his step, matching her pace. "Liv, I can't believe you didn't tell me. How long has this been going on?"

"I don't know, Elliot, you tell me," Olivia shot back. She knew she could rely on Elliot to be discreet, but it was times like this when she wished she and her partner couldn't read each other so damn well.

Elliot shrugged. "Honestly, not that long. I just had a hunch. The happy hours, the way you try not to smile too much when she's around, it was just a shot in the dark." He glanced over at his partner. "Seems to be doing you some good, though. You've been a hell of a lot more cheerful." He popped the rest of his hotdog in his mouth. "Thanks for dinner, by the way," he said, discarding his trash and brushing off his hands.

Olivia stopped, turning toward him and prodding a finger into his chest. "No one can know about this, Elliot," she said, her voice serious.

Elliot looked down at her, daintily grabbing the finger that poked into his chest and giving her a smile. "No one's going to hear it from me, Liv," he said earnestly. "You know that."

Olivia nodded. "Good." She turned and kept walking.

"You didn't answer me," Elliot pestered. "How long have you two been seeing each other?"

Olivia shrugged. "It started pretty casual, a few months ago. A happy hour here, a happy hour there – "

"Some happy hour, I bet," Elliot said, cutting her off.

Olivia shot him a look before continuing. "Lately, though, it's been getting a little more serious."

Elliot looked pleased. "Well done, Liv. You melted the Ice Queen. I didn't think it could be done."

Olivia looked up at him, her eyes clear. "It wasn't the easiest," she said, slipping a smile. "But it was definitely worth it."

Elliot glanced down at her, giving her a pat on the shoulder. "I'm happy for you, Liv. Don't fuck it up," he warned, wagging a finger in her face.

Olivia tossed him a smile. "Don't plan to." She came to a stop in front of a set of cement steps and tilted her head to look up at the brick church looming before her. "This is it," she said to her partner, who stopped behind her, reading the engraved phrase above the entrance.

"Bestowing grace, loving all," he recited. He glanced at Olivia. "I feel like that's a stretch, considering the meeting we're here for."

Olivia nodded. "I guess it should say, '_Bestowing grace, loving all heterosexuals_," she said, taking a step towards the entryway. She looked back at her partner. "Let's do our best to pick this cad up before the meeting starts. Something tells me I won't take their grace very well."

Elliot nodded. "Something tells me they won't take yours very well, either." He followed her up the steps and the two stepped inside a small lobby. A makeshift signboard stood in the entryway, directing them toward the National Organization for Marriage's weekly meeting. They followed a short, empty hallway, where another sign directed them into a room. A podium stood at the front of the room, with rows of chairs laid out neatly in front of it. A small snack table stood in the back. About forty people congregated loosely, mingling, munching on pretzels and sipping water from plastic cups. The two detectives stood in the back of the room, their eyes grazing over the crowd.

"I'm going to make a lap," Elliot said, moving away from the wall and mixing into a nearby throng of people, his tall form towering over them. Olivia moved over to the snack table, snatching a cup and filling it with water. She eyed the pretzels, but instead moved backwards, away from the table, stumbling softly into the person behind her.

"Oh, I apologize," she said, turning toward the other person. Her gaze locked onto a pair of clear green eyes, and the man smiled down at her. His hair was cut short, close to his head, and his mouth formed a thin, polite smile at her. "I'm sorry," she began, her gaze running down to his nametag, "Raymond." She watched, her brain connecting his features to the description she had in her mind.

"Raymond Chandler," he said, sticking his hand out towards her as his gaze traveled over her chest. "No problem, um…" he trailed off, indicating her lack of a nametag.

"Benson," she said, ignoring his hand and reaching belt, flashing her badge briefly. "Detective Benson, NYPD." She watched as his eyes narrowed for a split second before relaxing. "Mr. Chandler, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

The man steeled his gaze, his eyes flashing from the badge back to her. His expression quickly softened into one of cooperation. "I'm happy to help you in any way I can. But what exactly is this about?"

"We want to ask you some questions about a rally you attended several weeks ago, in support of the gay marriage amendment," Olivia replied.

Raymond gave her a confused look. "Protesting at a rally is well within my rights."

Olivia nodded. "I understand that," she responded. "We just want to ask you about a few questions in connection with another investigation. We think you may be able to help us out." She watched him carefully, attempting to read his eyes, but found them crisp and unemotional. He nodded at her.

"I'd rather not interrupt the meeting," he said, indicating a man tapping lightly into the microphone at the podium.

Elliot walked up behind Olivia, his gaze already assessing Raymond, the closely cut hair, the green eyes. "We taking a ride?" he asked, glancing at his partner.

Olivia glanced at Elliot, then back to Raymond. He looked at the two of them complacently. "Let's go," he said.

* * *

><p>Alex gave Elliot and Cragen a nod as she walked into the viewing room. "He willingly agreed to come to the precinct?" she asked, her perplexity showing in her features as well as her tone. She looked through the double-sided mirror, where Raymond Chandler perched in a straight-backed chair. He sat up straight, looking across the table at Olivia.<p>

Elliot nodded. "Sure did."

Alex looked miffed. "On the surface, that doesn't point toward guilty."

Elliot kept his gaze on the mirror. "Well, hopefully Olivia's going to do some digging beneath his cool exterior," he said. H

* * *

><p>Olivia stared at the file in front of her, newly labeled with Raymond Chandler's name. The file was thin, as there was essentially nothing on the guy, other than a misdemeanor for disorderly conduct five years prior in the state of Oklahoma. She would have to get him talking.<p>

"Raymond," Olivia asked, "how long have you been a member of the National Organization for Marriage?"

Raymond thought for a moment. "For over five years here in New York."

"Did you join it while you were in Oklahoma?"

Raymond nodded. "We didn't have a state chapter, but I joined online. I kept up with the national news."

"Why join such an organization?" Olivia asked, peering closely at him.

"Because someone needs to protect the sanctity of marriage, and of decency," Raymond responded simply.

"Protect it from who?"

Raymond eyed her closely, his gaze running across her features, her hair. "From people like yourself," he said, keeping his expression blank.

Olivia played it cool, her voice level as she asked, "People like me?"

Raymond nodded, blank gaze stilled on Olivia. "People like you," he repeated.

Olivia moved on, not willing to let their conversation escalate to politics so soon in the game. "Where were you the night of Thursday, July 10?"

"At work."

"Where do you work?"

"Deffenbaugh Electrical Company. I do mainly third shift."

"And you clocked in that night?" Olivia asked, letting him know that she didn't fully trust him.

"Yes," he said curtly.

"What about the night of Tuesday, July 15?"

"Like I said," he sighed, "I work third shift through the week. I was at work."

"You clocked in that night?" Olivia asked again.

He nodded, letting out a frustrated sigh.

"Sorry, is that a yes?" Olivia asked.

"Yes," he muttered.

"What about the night of Wednesday, July 16?"

Raymond contorted his brow in frustration. "I was _working_," he said again.

Olivia repeated her previous question, registering his frustration, and hoping to add to it. "And you clocked in that night?"

Raymond let his fist grind lightly into the table. "Like I said the last time, _yes_."

"But you weren't working the day of the pro-marriage rally on June 8, no?"

"No, I wasn't working that day. I went to the rally. It was a Saturday."

"And that was the day you verbally assaulted Jessica Flanagan?" She watched as he rolled his eyes at her.

"I didn't _verbally assault –_"

"And a CUNY student?" Olivia continued, cutting him off.

Raymond continued to grind his fist into the table. "I didn't assault anyone," he persisted. "I merely informed them of their sins and what would happen to people like them."

"You mean people like me?" Olivia asked, her tone airy.

Raymond looked at her, his green eyes once again assessing her, skimming over her features. "Yeah, people like you," he responded.

Olivia worked to unclench her jaw, then scoffed, raising her hands apologetically. "I'm sorry, Ray," she said, shortening his name intentionally, surmising that he wouldn't appreciate the familiarity. "I'm just not understanding what you mean by _people like you_."

He narrowed his eyes, his brow furrowing slightly. "People that live your lifestyle," he said. "I can tell you're one of them."

Olivia let out a chuckle, at once hoping to anger him and hoping to alleviate the anger that she felt rising in her own chest. "What lifestyle, Ray?" She noticed his brow furrow further, noticed a gleam of sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"You are a dyke," he said, quietly.

Olivia put a hand to her ear, leaning forward. "What's that, Ray?"

"You are a dyke," he repeated, pursing his lips into a fine straight line.

"What's that mean, Ray?" she asked, leaning into him, daring him to push away from the table.

He met her eyes. "You defile women."

Olivia laughed in his face before leaning away from him, back in her chair. "Do I?" she asked, innocently. "Is that something you wish you could do?' She gave him what she hoped was an infuriating grin.

* * *

><p>Elliot watched, his arms crossed over his chest, as Olivia laughed and leaned back in her chair. He noticed as Alex shifted in front of the mirror. "What the hell is she doing?" she asked, under her breath.<p>

The detective leaned into her. "She's trying to make him angry," he said. "Get a reaction from him."

The blonde ADA looked glanced up at him, and he saw her eyes narrow underneath her glasses. "He's not the only one getting angry," she said.

* * *

><p>"Detective, I'm heterosexual," Raymond said, answering her question.<p>

"Is that right?" Olivia asked, keeping her voice casual. "I wouldn't have guessed it. You know, statistics show that 10% of the population is gay. I would've pegged you as part of that percentage."

"Along with yourself?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We're not talking about me," Olivia responded.

"Women beg me for it, Detective." Ray once again pursed his lips, and Olivia gave a slight shrug.

"Whatever you say, Ray," she replied nonchalantly, in a tone that let the man know she didn't believe him for one second.

He bristled at the Detective's response. "I bet your girlfriend will beg me for it," he said, one lip curling into a snarly smile.

Olivia felt her heart beat faster, but worked to keep her voice level, clenching her jaw. He was simply trying to mess with her mind, much as she was trying do with his. There was no way he would know anything about her personal life. She chose to ignore him.

"Ray, why don't you tell me why you approached Jessica Flanagan after her speech?"

"I wanted to ask her some questions," he said, his voice returning to its normal, complacent cadence. He looked at her, and gave an exasperated sigh. "Why don't you tell me what this is all about?"

Olivia studied him, saw his mouth twitch slightly. She had a gut instinct, and she decided to run with it. "We're investigating a rape," she said, leaving out the murdered victim for the time being. She wanted to see how he reacted to her description of the crime. She watched as he raised an eyebrow. She saw his lower lip twitch once more.

"A rape?" he repeated.

She nodded. "Yeah." She pulled out another file from underneath the one on Chandler. She opened it up in front of her, sifting through several sheets of paper: a recent news article about Flanagan's assault, several affidavits from the responding police officers, phone records, and other miscellaneous papers. She let the rape kit photos of Jessica Flanagan show visibly, watching Raymond's green eyes slink over the photographs documenting the cuts to her thighs, her chest. "A woman was raped about a week ago," she said. "We suspect that she had initial contact with her attacker at the rally."

"Is that so?" he asked, his eyes raising back to gaze levelly at Olivia.

"Yeah. What I want from you is to know if you noticed anyone suspicious that day? Based upon the manner of the attack, it's quite similar to previous crimes in our division. It looks like we're looking for a copycat."

"A copycat?" he asked, his eyebrows rising.

Olivia nodded, gauging his reaction. "Someone who kept to himself, pretty unhappy, clearly uncreative, possibly someone with an anger problem." She kept her eyes on him.

He returned her stare. "Do you have an anger problem, Ms. Benson?" he asked. "It seems to me that you're angry that you haven't pinned down whoever committed this _heinous_ act. And you're trying to get me to play some sort of incriminating game."

"I don't have to play games," Olivia responded.

"I actually don't think we're that different," Raymond said, looking at her.

"Why's that?" she asked, playing with him. "We both like to fuck men?"

* * *

><p>Alex looked from Cragen to Elliot. "Jesus Christ, this interview better be over soon, Captain. She's getting nowhere, and she's edging close to verbal harassment."<p>

Elliot spoke up. "Don't worry, Alex, he hasn't asked for a lawyer or anything. They're just talking."

Alex shook her head, not liking the direction Olivia was taking. "Cops," she muttered.

* * *

><p>"I do believe we both enjoy sleeping with women," he corrected, his voice still level, although Olivia caught the twitch in his lip once more. "Maybe we even have the same type," continued, tapping his fingers against the table. Olivia watched him as his gaze drifted toward the photos once again. He immediately looked back up at her.<p>

"Blonde, blue-eyed," he said, his voice lilting, his eyes assessing Olivia's eyes, her clenched jaw. "Just like in the movies. A girl too good for a dyke." He caught the tremor in Olivia's throat. "The type of girl that God made to be penetrated into submission by a man."

Olivia lunged at Raymond, grabbing him by the his collar and dragging him up from his chair. She pushed him into the nearest wall with a heavy shove, her fingers still wrapped in his shirt. He let out a slight grunt, his eyes calm, locked onto Olivia's. The interview room door flew open and Elliot burst inside. "Liv!" he yelled, as Raymond grasped her hands and pushed her roughly. Olivia reeled back against the table, banging her hip against it before catching herself. Elliot reached a hand out to Raymond's chest before turning an angry gaze to Olivia. "Out!" he yelled at her. Olivia's mind reeled, and she felt as if she was watching herself from three feet above. She walked robotically into the viewing room, where Cragen and Alex stood.

Cragen lashed into her, anger flaring in his eyes. "What the hell are you doing in there, Benson?"

Alex spoke up, concern lacing her voice. "Olivia?"

Olivia looked up at Alex's voice, surprised to see her, and chagrined that the attorney had seen her lose control during the interview.

Alex looked at her, worry still in her eyes. She balanced her need to put an arm around the detective with the need to throttle her for losing her composure with a potential suspect. She looked at Cragen. "We can't keep him any longer, otherwise he'll lawyer up, just to press assault charges. We don't have anything on him, and he has an alibi for all three nights in question."

Olivia directed her gaze toward Alex, and the blankness there startled the attorney. "Let me check with the company. I don't believe him. Someone could have easily clocked in for him at work."

Cragen shook his head. "That's fine, but we're not keeping him while you do that."

"What about assaulting a police officer?" she asked, knowing that she was reaching. She gave a pleading glance toward Alex.

The ADA gawked at her. "Olivia, _you_ lost control." She had to turn her eyes away from the detective's gaze, confused by the detective's reaction.

"Listen, my gut tells me – "

"I can't run a case by a jury based on your _gut_, Olivia," Alex pressed.

"Can't you trust me?" Olivia asked, knowing as she said it that she was placing Alex in an awkward position, one that the attorney would resent.

Alex gave her a pointed, almost unbelieving stare. "I trust this team, _Detective_, to bring me reliable evidence, of which I have none at the moment. You have to let him walk."

Olivia banged her fist against the wall. "Goddamnit," she said, her voice rising. "Let him walk back into the fucking streets, let's all go grab a beer for a job well done."

"Olivia!" Cragen said sharply. "Go cool down," Cragen said. "In my office."

Olivia nodded despondently, taking a deep breath as she walked past her boss and the attorney, not able to make eye contact with either. Cragen watched her go, his hands in his pockets, a worried expression on his face. He glanced at Alex, who stood with her mouth still slightly open in shock.

"We got nothing," he confirmed, looking at her.

Alex shook her head. "I can try and charge him with assault to keep him in overnight, but with that video feed from the interview room, I'd only be wasting the court's time." She shrugged. "And throwing out any future favors that I could ever need."

Cragen nodded. Elliot opened the door, walking back into the viewing room. Cragen nodded his head at Raymond, who sat at the interview table. "Release him," he said. He gestured towards his office. "I'm going to go take care of this," he said.

* * *

><p>Elliot sat at his desk, staring at Alex, who sat at Olivia's chair, her eyeglasses resting on the desk, her fingers pressed to her right temple. The two of them looked up as Olivia Olivia darted out of Cragen's office, her features stiff, her eyes hard. He raised his eyebrows at his partner as she stalked towards them. "Want to talk?" he asked, knowing full well that his partner had no interest in discussion at the moment.<p>

"No," she said, passing by the two of them and heading for the exit. Elliot shrugged his shoulders and sighed, looking across his desk at Alex. She picked up her glasses, placing them quickly onto her nose before hopping up from the chair. She gave Elliot a pat on the shoulder. "Hang in there, detective," she said, following Olivia out of the room. She spotted Olivia walking toward the elevator, her head down. "Olivia!" she called, but the detective ignored her, stepping onto an open elevator. She kept her gaze nailed to the floor, ignoring Alex's calls as the doors closed. Alex let out a frustrated sigh, bypassing the elevators and pushing open the door leading to the stairwell. She raced down the three flights, banging the door open, hustling out into the lobby. Olivia passed through the glass doorway, making her way out of the building. Alex followed, calling out to Olivia. "Detective Benson!" she yelled sharply, cutting the woman off on the steps.

"Alex," Olivia said, shaking her head, just barely making eye contact. "I don't need this right now."

Alex looked perplexed, her head bending down, trying to force the brunette to look at her. "What's '_this'_?"

Olivia gestured towards her, finally meeting her gaze. "I don't need to talk, I don't need a sympathetic ear."

"Trust me, Olivia, the last thing you're going to get from me is a sympathetic ear," Alex said, vehemently.

"I don't appreciate not getting any support back there," she said, pointing back at the building.

"Don't take your frustrations out on me, Olivia," Alex said, a slight warning in her voice. "I know you're stressed right now, but you can't just expect to pull a guy off the street just to make you feel better about a stalled case."

"That's not what this is, Alex," Olivia protested. "That guy – "

"That guy is a nutcase," Alex said, cutting her off. "End of fucking story, Olivia."

"I'm just trying to do my job," Olivia said.

"Try catching the right guy, then," Alex said.

Olivia looked up at her, and Alex immediately regretted her comment. She saw the detective's brown eyes glaze over, saw Olivia's body go rigid in front of her. "That's what I'm trying to do," Olivia said, shaking her head before turning to walk away. Alex gripped Olivia's hand, attempting to pull her back. "Olivia," she said, but the detective pulled away from her. "We'll talk later, Alex," she replied, walking away. Alex slumped her shoulders, staring after her for a moment. As she turned to walk back inside, she bumped against someone, putting her hand up to the person's chest. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, turning her head up to see Raymond Chandler, who reached out and steadied her.

"Careful," he said, his green eyes meeting her gaze.

Alex started, and reflexively pulled her arm from his grasp, letting out a shocked gasp. "Sorry," she said again, before turning and walking quickly back toward the building. He watched her walk inside, staring after her for a long moment, then turned his gaze back to the direction that Olivia had started towards. He meandered down the stairs, walking after her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Friday, July 24**

Alex shifted her bag higher onto her shoulder as she stopped just outside of her boss' open door, knocking lightly before entering. "Hey," she said, as Liz raised her head from a manila file folder, a pen poised in her hand. Alex held up a large packet. "I brought by the Swanson brief."

Liz waved her inside, motioning for the ADA to close the door behind her. "Sit down," she said, taking the brief from Alex's hand and tossing it onto her desk. Alex sat, setting her bag down beside her.

Liz fixed her with a prying gaze, noting the shadows that pooled underneath the attorney's eyes. "Tell me what happened in that interview room yesterday," she said bluntly.

Alex looked at her, slightly startled. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice feigning an innocence that made Liz roll her eyes.

"Alex, I have eyes and ears in more places than you'd care to know about. What happened with Detective Benson?"

Alex shrugged, brushing off the question with a wave of her hand. "She got a little heated during an interview, nothing out of the ordinary."

Liz thoughtfully tapped a pen on her desk. "She's got a temper, that one," she said.

"No she doesn't," Alex replied, shaking her head. "She's trying to crack this case, Liz, which is what I believe this office asked her to do." She regretted the defensive tone of her voice, certain that Liz would pick up on it.

Liz looked closely at Alex, her pen still tapping in a metered cadence. She picked up on the attorney's tone, much as she'd picked up on several other things over the past several months. "Alex, I'm going to ask you this once, and then we're going to pretend that we never had this conversation, understand?"

Alex gave her a puzzled nod.

"Are you sleeping with Olivia Benson?"

Liz watched as Alex's mouth dropped open in surprise, and she could almost hear the blonde's denial before she spoke. "That's a damn personal question, Liz," she responded.

Liz dropped her pen onto her desk and pursed her lips, losing the little patience that she had. "It's actually a very _professional_ question, Alex, seeing as she is your colleague." She fixed her with a level gaze. "Do you think this is a very ethical course of action you're taking here?"

The attorney's cheeks flushed in anger, and her blue eyes darkened. "Don't question my ethics, Liz. This is none of your business."

Anger flashed through Liz's brow, and she clasped her hands and leaned forward onto her desk. "It's absolutely my business, Alex. It's my _business_ when you make decisions that can compromise the integrity of this office."

Alex dropped her head back, allowing herself a moment of reprieve. She hadn't intended for her relationship with Olivia to move beyond a casual hook up, but judging by the way she reacted to their argument outside the precinct, she felt she'd gotten in way over her head. It wasn't her nature to lose sleep over a casual hookup. Alex dropped her gaze back to eye level. "Liz, this has not affected my professional relationship with SVU or Detective Benson, I promise you that."

Liz raised a knowing eyebrow. "Don't worry, Alex, I'm more than confident that you can't love anything more than you love your job." The observation stung, and she watched as the blonde attempted to mask her offense at the comment.

"Nevertheless," the Alex persisted, shifting in her chair, "my professional relationship with Detective Benson is just as it always has been." Her tired eyes held the older woman's gaze, but she felt her composure wane.

Liz waved a hand, brushing off Alex's comment. "Jesus, Alex, that's not my only concern." Her features softened. "I'm worried about _you_," she said. "Dating a cop?" She held a hand up, cutting off Alex's protest. "Let me finish. You know as well as I do the danger that detectives are put in, the stress that they're constantly under. If you want something with Olivia Benson, then I'm not going to stop you. But I do want you to be aware of what you're getting yourself into." She fixed Alex with a maternal gaze. "I don't want to see you get hurt, you know that."

Alex's words slipped from her lips before she could stop them. "You're not my mother, Liz."

The older woman's eyes widened, surprised by both the remark itself and the hurt that tightened her chest. She quickly recovered, narrowing her eyes and turning her head back to her work, refusing to look at the woman before her. Alex felt as badly as if she'd punched the woman in the gut. "Liz – " she began, but her boss cut her off, her voice edged with disappointment.

"Low," Liz said, shaking her head, raising her eyes to Alex's for an uncomfortable moment before turning her attention to a memo on her desk. Alex leaned forward, placing her hands on the attorney's desk. "Liz – " she began again, but trailed off, once again lamenting the fact that her mouth had moved faster than her brain.

Liz continued to breeze over the memo, refusing to meet Alex's apologetic eyes. "Keep on top of the Flanagan case," she said, without emotion. "I trust that's your _professional_ priority right now."

Alex swallowed, grabbing her bag as she stood. As Liz kept her head buried in her work, she turned, slipping out of the door and shutting it quietly behind her. She heard her phone vibrate, and reached into her purse. A text from Olivia Benson flashed onto the screen. Alex sighed, and dropped the phone back into her bag, Liz's cautionary words still resonating in her mind.

**Sunday, July 25**

Olivia sighed, tossing her phone onto the passenger's seat. Alex had successfully avoided her calls all weekend, responding only to one text, citing work as an excuse for being out of touch. Olivia knew the altercation with Chandler had everything to do with the attorney's avoidance, and once again she cursed herself, and her attachment to the case. She glanced out of her car window, at the brick apartment building across the street. _What the hell am I even doing here?_ She had been watching Raymond Chandler for a good portion of the weekend, finding herself sitting outside of his apartment for hours on end. She left only after the silence got to her, the quiet hours in her car forcing some common sense into her brain, convincing her to go home.

Nevertheless, she found herself back outside the man's apartment, her mind wandering once again, going over in her head the details she had memorized from the case files. She had driven by Jessica Flanagan's apartment, had seen her and Megan walking the length of their block. Once she was satisfied that Chandler was nowhere in the vicinity, she drove back to his apartment, and had been sitting in her car for most of the afternoon, waiting. She felt a tiredness seep into her head, and a weight seemed to settle in her temple. She had been awake most of the night, horrible dreams pulling her out of her sleep every couple of hours, Chandler's face running through most of them. She took another sip of her coffee, which had turned cold from sitting for so long. Her attention turned toward her phone, and she contemplated trying Alex once more, but even if the blonde answered, Olivia wasn't sure how she would explain her behavior in the interview room. She wasn't even sure if she could explain it to herself. Something about the guy didn't add up… her mind wandered again.

She felt a tap on her window, and jumped. Her breath quickened as she looked up and saw Raymond Chandler peering down at her. She eyed him as she opened her car door and climbed out, facing him. She winced slightly, realizing her foot had fallen asleep.

"Detective, can I ask you why you've been sitting outside my apartment for the past three hours?"

"Neighborhood watch," she responded flatly.

Chandler wasn't amused. "You realize I will call you in and report you for harassment?"

"That's fine, Ray," she said, once again deferring to her familiarity tactic. "They suspend me, that just gives me more time to spend with you."

He leaned into her, but she didn't give him any ground, steeling her gaze on him. "What are you expecting to see?" he asked, his voice low.

"You tell me," she responded, staring her brown eyes boring into the clear green pupils that stared back at her.

He laughed at her, a high-pitched giggle that somehow matched his demeanor. "Don't close your eyes," he said, baring his teeth in a mirthless grin. "You never know what you'll miss." He gave her a feigned smile, leaning even closer toward her, before abruptly turning and walking back across the street. Olivia exhaled slowly, watching as he gave another brief look over his shoulder before walking back into his building. She climbed slowly back into the car, her eyes glancing back at her phone as she steadied her breath. She picked it up, quickly checking for a missed call. Nothing. She tossed it back onto the passenger's seat and let out a frustrated sigh as she started the engine. She gave one last look at Chandler's building as she drove off.

**Monday, July 26**

Alex sat at her desk, absentmindedly sliding her foot in and out of her shoe. She focused on her yellow legal pad, trying to command her thoughts back to the task at hand. She dropped her pen and ran a hand through her hair, leaning back into her chair with an audible sigh. She had managed to avoid Olivia over the weekend, texting her a flimsy excuse, but the detective had nevertheless stayed on her mind. Despite her wish to be alone, Alex had missed the woman. More than once over the weekend she recalled Olivia's touch, imagining the brunette's fingers as her own. Earlier that morning she contemplated checking in with SVU, but had kept herself busy, calling Cragen for an update on the Flanagan case. A knock at her door pulled her from her thoughts, and Liz poked her head in. Alex looked up at her in surprise. She hadn't seen her boss since their somewhat heated exchange the week before.

"Liz," she said, leaning forward in her chair and motioning the older woman inside. She wanted to apologize. "Come in."

Liz shook her head, but her expression was without malice. "No, I don't want anything. It's getting late, I'm headed out. Just stopping by to tell you not to work too long."

Alex nodded. "Liz, about the other day – "

Liz put up a finger, shaking her head once more. "Don't worry about it, Alex." She nodded her head at the attorney, and Alex knew an apology was unnecessary. "Just don't work too late," she repeated as she closed the door, leaving Alex alone. The attorney rose from her chair, picking up a couple of law volumes and returning them to her bookshelf. She heard the door open once again, and greeted her boss without turning around. "I'm leaving, Liz, I promise," she said.

"Well, then, I'm glad I caught you."

Alex turned at the familiar voice, abandoning the books on the shelf. "Olivia," she said, unconsciously straightening her glasses. "Hi."

"I figured you'd be less apt to avoid me if I refused to leave your office," the brunette said, awkwardly shutting the door behind her as she took a step toward Alex. "I want to apologize," she said quickly, taking another step forward. Alex stood, rooted to the spot, as Olivia continued. "The way I blew up in that interview room, and the way I treated you after was completely inexcusable," she said, her brown eyes pleading. "I'm so sorry."

Alex dropped her head, thoughtful for a moment before she finally spoke. She ran a hand absently along the edge of the bookshelf. "Olivia, I don't even know what I'm more concerned about. The way you were in the interview or the way you were with me afterward. All I know is that I felt many things in that viewing room last week, and they were all _far_ from professional." She looked at Olivia, confusion flashing through her eyes. She wanted desperately for the brunette to be the one to continue, to say the things Alex felt needed to be said. She felt as if she were betraying her own mind. "I was worried, hurt, angry…" she trailed off, averting her eyes, her fingers tracing the outline of a book. "I'm not sure if we're doing the right thing here."

She saw Olivia give a slight not and met her eyes, afraid she would see the brown orbs hardening against her. "Alex," Olivia said softly, stepping toward her and placing her hands on the attorney's arms. "This is my fault, okay? I was the one acting unprofessionally." She stared into Alex's eyes. "I'm sorry I put you in that position, and I don't plan on doing that to you ever again." She hesitated for a moment, placing a tentative hand on top of Alex's. "I'm not sorry about us, though," she whispered. "And I can't just cut off my feelings for you. I'm far too gone to be able to that."

Alex swallowed, and closed her eyes briefly as Olivia ran a hand gently up her arm, leaning into the touch that she'd craved all weekend. She brought herself quickly out of her reverie, pulling out of Olivia's arms. "Liz knows about us."

Olivia's eyes widened. "Shit, so does Elliot," she said.

Disbelief flashed across the Alex's features and she couldn't help but let out a sarcastic laugh. "So much for being discreet," she said. "This is what we get for trying to sneak around a bunch of detectives and prosecutors."

Olivia smiled, relieved by the blonde's humor. "I'll still be discreet," she assured her. She let her hand trace lightly over the attorney's fingertips. "Let me make you dinner Wednesday night," she offered. "We can talk more about… things, see how we both feel. I share your concerns, Alex, I even have a few of my own, but I'm willing to talk them out with you." She watched as the blonde took a deep breath, steadying herself before speaking.

"Your signature dish?" Alex asked, her blue eyes brightening for the first time.

Olivia felt her chest loosen at the site of Alex's smile. "Yes, a serious discussion requires a seriously unsexy dish. Stuffed cabbage it is," she replied. She let her eyes rest on the attorney's face, taking in her features. "I missed you this weekend," she said.

Alex smiled freely this time, and pulled Olivia over to her. "Are you off the clock?" she asked.

Olivia looked at her, puzzled. She nodded.

"I feel like being very unprofessional," Alex said, her lips curling into a coy smile.

Olivia felt a familiar stir below her pelvis and her breath hitched lightly in her throat. She watched, eyes wide, as Alex walked over to her door, locking it assertively before turning and leaning against it. She gave Olivia a lustful stare before walking back toward her, pushing her gently into the bookcase. She bent her head toward the brunette's ear, running a hand through her short, dark hair. "How unprofessional?" Olivia asked softly, inhaling the attorney's sweet scent.

Alex responded by raking her teeth across the sensitive flesh on the detective's neck, causing her to inhale sharply. Alex felt Olivia try to control her breathing as she moved her lips down to Olivia's collarbone. "Tell you what," Alex said huskily, her mouth trailing to the other side of Olivia's neck, back up to the other ear. "You tell me when I've gone too far." She placed a forceful hand on the brunette's chest, cupping her breast through the thin material of her t-shirt. She felt Olivia's nipple harden underneath her touch, and she smiled to herself, her lips still grazing Olivia's neck.

Alex's free hand trailed the taut muscles of the detective's stomach through her shirt, then back up, pulling the dark blue material along with it, her nails scraping smooth skin. She gripped Olivia's neck, pulling her in for another kiss as her hand rubbed gently over the detective's hip. The attorney's nimble fingers worked Olivia's belt buckle, releasing it with a soft clink. The brunette moaned, anticipating the blonde's contact, prompting Alex to break the kiss and put a finger to Olivia's lips. "Shhh," she said, dipping her finger into the slightly parted mouth. She felt Olivia's soft tongue run slowly over her finger before she pulled it out, tracing it once more underneath the thin t-shirt, up the detective's chest and over a pert nipple. She tugged softly, eliciting a muffled whimper.

Alex's other hand continued to loosen the other woman's belt, her fingers dipping below her panties, feeling the head that radiated from Olivia's core. She fingered the wetness she found there, teasing the brunette with a few deliberate strokes, enjoying her rapid breathing, and her struggle to keep her moans to an inaudible sound. "Is this too unprofessional for you?" she asked, a smile playing upon her lips. Olivia's brown eyes rolled upwards, her mouth slightly parted. "Alex," she murmured, her lips reaching forward for another kiss.

Alex removed her hand from Olivia's breast, and reached up, grabbing the short brunette locks and giving them a slight tug, bearing the detective's olive-hued neck. She sucked the smooth skin, enjoying the rapid beat of Olivia's pulse underneath her lips. She leaned back, taking in the detective's lightly bruised skin, her closed eyes. "Olivia," she said, forcing the detective to look at her, lust emanating from her gaze. "Do you want me to fuck you?"

Olivia ran her tongue across her open lips, her hips writhing forward. "Please," she whispered.

Alex inserted her fingers into the detective once more, but only slightly, before pulling them back out again, rubbing the wetness against the detective's outer lips. Her free hand still worked Olivia's breast, her nipples hard through the fabric of her bra. She returned her gaze to Olivia's, enjoying the way the brown eyes met her own. "Do you want me to fuck you in my office?" she asked.

Olivia moaned lightly, then swallowed, a thin sheen of sweat breaking on her brow. "Please fuck me," she whispered.

Alex leaned forward and took the detective's mouth, her tongue probing Olivia's own as she plunged two fingers inside her, her fingers sliding easily to the hilt. Olivia let loose a gasp as Alex held her hand still for a moment, enjoying the detective's prone pose, before pumping it in and out. She felt Olivia's short nails running across her back, desperately trying to gain traction over the attorney's silk blouse. She felt the brunette's breath quicken as she moaned into her mouth. Alex increased her pace, inserting another finger as she thrust harder, her thumb placing pressure on the Olivia's sensitive clit. She felt the woman tighten around her fingers, arching her back as her hips bucked against the blonde's pelvis. Olivia let out another low moan into the Alex's mouth as her hips jerked with her orgasm, and she collapsed back onto the bookshelf, still writhing slightly on the attorney's penetrating hand. Alex removed her fingers, her tongue still inside Olivia's mouth, milking the last of the kiss. She let her lips graze lightly over Olivia's jaw, her cheek, her forehead, before leaning back and giving the detective a demure smile.

"I think you'd better go," she said, giving Olivia another lingering kiss. "Unless you want to work overtime."

* * *

><p><em>Thanks for the reviews and the feedback - as you all know, the fun will have to end soon... stay tuned.<em>


	10. Chapter 10

**Wednesday, July 27**

Elliot waltzed over to his desk and sat lightly in his chair, his chest broad, wearing a wide grin on his face. Olivia glanced at him over the rim of her coffee cup. "What are you smiling at?" she asked.

"You owe me lunch today," he replied, tossing a pen confidently in the air in front of him and catching it with one hand.

Olivia set her coffee on her desk and turned her eyes towards her computer screen, pretending to ignore him. "And why's that?" she asked, deciding to humor him for a moment.

He looked at her, his eyes bright. "Well, partner, I got us some time with the Deffenbaugh Electrical's third shift tonight. We can speak to whomever we want for however long it takes. We also have free reign of time records." His smile widened as he gauged his partner's reaction.

Olivia raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "I contacted a third shift assistant manager last week, he was a complete asshole."

Elliot shrugged. "I talked with a guy named Turner, head manager, he was pretty helpful. Probably wanted to be a cop when he was younger, sounds like he's got a real hard-on for the job."

Olivia pursed her lips, nodding her approval. "Well done." She glanced at him, monitoring the grin he still wore. "You're serious about lunch, huh?"

"Sure am," he said. Olivia shook her head, then slapped a hand on her desk. "Shit," she said. "I have plans tonight. I made dinner and everything."

Elliot nodded, knowingly. "Seeing as how I've never heard you talk about making dinner, I can only assume this is for a certain special someone." He tossed his pen in the air again. "I can do this on my own, Liv," he said. "But," he gave her a look, already feeling her eyes boring into him, "I can already tell you're gonna come with me anyway."

Olivia knew he was right. If there were any developments on the Flanagan case, she wanted to be there to hear them. "Damn right," she said. She sighed, pushing herself up from her desk. "I'll see if I can reschedule with Alex. What's the earliest we can get there?"

Elliot looked up at her. "Shift changes over at 8:00, so we get there a few minutes before, catch some as they come in." He brushed his hands together, watching her. "When's lunch?" he asked.

Olivia thoughtfully rapped her knuckles on the metal surface of her desk, her mind still on the case. "I want Chandler to see us both there," she said, almost to herself.

Elliot glanced up at her, shaking his head. "We're not there to stake out Chandler," he warned. "We're just confirming an alibi, Liv."

She nodded, placating him, giving her knuckles one more assertive rap on the desk. "Of course."

Elliot pressed her with a firm gaze, his broad chest heaving with a sigh. "I don't need you flying off the handle."

She glared at him. "Give me a break, Elliot."

He put his hands up, surrendering, as he leaned back in his chair and gave a pronounced look at his watch. "Did you hear that?" he asked, putting a hand to his ear.

"Hear what?" Olivia asked, grabbing her cell phone from her desk and clipping it to her holster.

"My stomach's growling," he said, a smirk on his face.

Olivia tossed a pen at him, and it bounced squarely off his chest. "You're getting street food, Elliot. Meet me outside in fifteen minutes."

Elliot pumped his fist, pleased with his win. "Done," he agreed, watching as his partner headed toward the exit.

* * *

><p>Olivia rapped lightly on Alex's door, entering only after the blonde let out a quick, "Come in." The attorney's face brightened as she saw Olivia, who shut the door behind her. "Hi," she said, blue eyes clear behind her black-rimmed glasses.<p>

Olivia smiled back at her. "You look chipper," she observed. "Like you just won a case."

Alex leaned back in her chair. "I did," she answered, proudly. "Or, rather I won a motion hearing. But with the evidence I'm allowed to present, I'll definitely win." Her eyes flashed proudly. "This is the first time Petrofsky has cut me some slack in months." She chuckled. "Small victories, Liv."

Olivia nodded, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of Alex's desk. She ran her tongue lightly across her teeth as she thought about the best way to postpone their date. "Alex, about tonight…"

Alex's face fell, disappointment already seeping into her features. She was becoming acclimated to the fact that Olivia's job delved into much of their personal time. Still, this might mean a break in the case. She cocked her head. "Do you have a lead on Flanagan?"

Olivia gave a half nod, appreciating the way the attorney's mind never ceased to be in overdrive. "Kind of – Elliot and I are checking out Chandler's work alibi. Talking with coworkers, seeing if anyone clocked in for him those three nights in question."

Alex nodded, slowly, allowing her gaze to be drawn to her computer, where inbox showed a stream of unread messages. Her fingers fumbled slightly with her pen. "Don't worry, Olivia, we'll reschedule. Not a problem." She kept her eyes glued to the screen, preferring to keep her disappointed gaze hidden from the detective.

Olivia shook her head, aware that this case had already disrupted two dates with the attorney. "No, I already made everything," she said, leaving out the fact that she'd gotten up at 5:30 that morning to prepare the meal, just to make sure that it was edible. "Really, it's in the refrigerator, ready to go, with a bottle of wine." She leaned into Alex's desk, attempting to pull the bespectacled orbs away from the computer. "Why don't you head to my place after work?" she asked. "Enjoy a homemade dinner, relax, and I'll be home around 9:30."

Alex kept her eyes on the computer for a brief moment, allowing a smile to replace her frown. She cut her eyes at the detective, putting a pen to her lip as she gave the woman a sly grin. "Dinner seems to have suddenly turned into a booty call." She laughed as Olivia's cheeks flushed, and quickly continued. "I'm glad I already packed a bag," she said. "I'll see you at your place later tonight, Olivia."

Olivia exhaled, nodding, willing her cheeks to turn back to their normal olive hue. "That sounds like a plan," she said. She still leaned forward, thoughtfully drumming her fingers on Alex's desk. The blonde looked down at the steady tapping, then back up to the detective. "Something else I can help you with, Olivia?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

Olivia rose, looking down at the attorney. "Alex, if I confirm he wasn't at work the three nights in question, can you get me a warrant?"

Alex peered up at her, hoping that her eyes showed professionalism, rather than the flicker of concern that she felt rush though her thoughts. Raymond Chandler had a hold on Olivia that she couldn't quite grasp, and even if the detective's hunch turned out to be correct, Alex wasn't sure how healthy that hold was. "I can get it," she assured her, pushing her thoughts aside. "Why don't you call me tonight if you find anything, and I'll go ahead and put in the request. I could have you inside his apartment within a day."

Olivia rapped her knuckles on Alex's desk in an appreciative gesture. "Thank you," she said

"Hey," Alex said, her eyes turning serious, but trying to keep the brevity in her tone. "Take it easy tonight, all right?"

Olivia nodded, understanding the meaning behind the words. "Alex, I'm just following up on an alibi," she said, repeating Elliot's earlier instructions. "That's all. I'll be fine." She placed her hands on the edge of the desk and leaned over, her face inches away from the attorney's. She placed a chaste kiss on Alex's forehead, her lips just grazing the soft skin. "Nothing but professional," she assured, straightening.

Alex gave her a soft smile. "Call me when you're done," she said. "I'll be waiting."

"I will," Olivia said, turning towards the door. An assertive knock sounded against the hard wood, and the door popped open before Alex could utter an invitation. The attorney shook her head as the guest entered. "Liz, thanks for knocking," she said sarcastically.

"You're welcome," Liz fired back, tossing a quick glance at Olivia. "Detective Benson," she said, "updating my ADA on the Flanagan case, I hope?" She gave the woman a pointed stare.

The brunette nodded quickly, feeling the need to please the DA, and as usual, not knowing why. "I am, actually. Chandler's alibi checks out on paper, but Stabler and I are talking with his coworkers tonight to determine if anyone's been cheating the computer system on his behalf."

Liz gave a slow nod. "Do you have any other suspects?" she pressed. "Or are you milking this one for all he's worth?"

Olivia stood her ground. "He's the only one that's had contacts with both victims, he is a noted homophobe, and he fits the general profile. So yes, we plan on milking him until we're absolutely certain he had nothing to do with the crimes."

Liz nodded, her eyes skimming somewhat appreciately over the detective. Olivia felt her appraising more than just her answer about the case, and she tried not to shift uncomfortably before the woman's gaze. "Very well, then," the older blonde continued. She turned her attention away from Olivia and dropped a large, heavy manila folder onto Alex's desk. "I want you as second chair on the Rathbun case," she said.

"Why second?" Alex pressed, peering up at her.

"Because you've got to learn to wait your turn, Alex," Liz clipped.

Olivia cleared her throat. "I'm going to head back to the precinct," she said, turning towards the door.

Alex nodded, giving Olivia a slight wave. "Thanks, Olivia. Let me know how things progress."

Liz pointed her finger at the manila envelope. "You and Stephens meet me in my office at 5:30. We'll go over this." The DA turned abruptly on her heel, following Olivia out of the office.

Alex sighed, reaching over and heaving the stuffed folder in front of her. "5:30," she muttered, shaking her head. "Wonderful."

* * *

><p>"Detective," Liz called, shutting Alex's door behind her and motioning for Olivia to wait.<p>

Olivia turned, walking the few steps back toward the woman, her eyebrows raised. "Yes?" she asked, her eyes searching the DA's features, and once again failing to read her. She wondered how Alex managed to be so close to the woman, seeing as how distant she kept herself from those around her.

Liz assessed the brunette again, her lips in a fine line. "Olivia, I've had to warn Alex all too often about going with her gut instinct. Needless to say, it's lead her down a troublesome road here and there."

Olivia nodded, parting her lips to speak in Alex's defense.

"But," Liz continued, cutting her off, "that's also what makes her a good prosecutor." She narrowed her brown eyes. "I think that's also what makes you a good cop," she said, giving Olivia a slight nod.

Olivia's lips parted, but she was struck silent by what she deemed to be approval coming from the older woman's eyes. She watched as Liz turned and walked briskly down the hallway, leaving Olivia to debate whether that approval extended to more than just her professional endeavors.

* * *

><p>Elliot pounded his hand into the horn, slamming his foot on the break. "Watch it, pal!" he yelled at the car in front of him. Olivia lurched forward, cursing as she sloshed her coffee onto the dashboard. "Jesus, Elliot," she said, swiping a few napkins over the mess as she tried to place the cup safely in the holder. "I don't know why you think you're a better driver than me."<p>

He glanced over at her, raising his eyebrows. "Is anyone a good driver? It's New York."

"Touche," Olivia replied, tentatively attempting to take another sip of her coffee, as Elliot stopped at a light.

"Liv," Elliot said, coasting through a green light, glancing over at her. "Why don't you let me play bad cop tonight?"

Olivia stared out of her window, watching as the number of people on the sidewalks thinned as they weaved their way through a warehouse district. She sighed at her partner's comment, realizing he had a point, but not wanting him to make it. "I doubt we'll need to divvy up roles tonight, Elliot."

Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't want you yanked of this case," he said. "That's all."

Olivia gave a quick glance at him before returning her gaze to the window, pursing her lips as they pulled into Deffenbaugh Electrical's headquarters. Olivia climbed out of the car. "Cragen's not kicking me off this case," she said, more to reassure herself than to conciliate her partner.

Elliot nodded, placating her, as he held a glass door open for her. "He won't," she said again, brushing past him.

A short, port-bellied came around a cubicle awning, brushing several stray crumbs off of his wrinkled dress shirt. "Detective?" he asked, hopefully. He smiled as Elliot flashed his badge, and extended a pudgy hand. "I'm Dale Turner, it's good to meet you." He placed his hands on his non-existant hips. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, like I said, Mr. Turner, we just need to go over Raymond Chandler's time records with you in reference to an investigation." Elliot looked around the tiny entry room. "Maybe speak with some of your third shift employees."

Turner nodded, running a hand over the bald spot that loomed across the crown of his head. "Oh, sure," he said. "Shift changes over at 8:00."

Olivia piped up next to Elliot. "We appreciate your cooperation, Mr. Turner. I spoke with someone last week who wasn't so helpful."

"You probably spoke to Kramer, my assistant manager," the man responded, rubbing his protruding belly. "He's an asshole by trade, but he's good to have around sometimes."

Olivia nodded, realizing she was at eye-level with the man, and that he was considerably shorter than Elliot. Turner motioned them around the cubicle awning toward a makeshift office, which was merely a white, straight-legged table, stacked with manila folders and an outdated desktop computer. One chair sat on each side. The manager took a seat in front of the computer, flicking a switch and attempting to turn the screen so that the detectives could easily see it.

"I can pull up time records in a jiff," he said, pecking his keyboard with his index fingers. "Anything to help you fine fellas – " he glanced at Olivia - "er, fine, people." He pointed at his screen as a series of spreadsheets popped open, along with a picture of Chandler. "So here, you can see all of Chandler's clock in and out times." He ran his finger along three columns. "The date's listed on the side."

Olivia leaned over the table and scrutinized the left-hand column. "He's clocked in on all three dates," she said. She straightened and looked down at Turner. "How are your employees sent into the field?" she asked. "Individually or in teams?"

Turner scoffed. "Depends on the job. Chandler's usually a solo guy, he works better alone, but we had to do some shifting last month due to a new contractor. Chandler's been paired with Lou Reynolds for the last month or so." He pressed a couple of keys, pulling up Lou Reynolds time sheet, which also included a picture ID.

Elliot studied the photo, noting the man's dark, prominent eyebrows, which stretched across his forehead in a straight line. "They both scheduled to work tonight?"

Turner nodded. "Sure are." He glanced at his watch. "Should be here soon."

Elliot continued to question the manager. "You don't follow up, meet with teams before they go out into the field?"

Turner chuckled. "I got too many employees to follow up with each one individually, Detective. I follow up when there's a problem, and so far, I ain't had no problems with Chandler and Reynolds. Each one of their jobs is completed without a hitch."

Olivia nodded. "We'll wait around, Mr. Turner, if you don't mind."

He nodded. "Sure, but you won't catch anyone here. Time clock's down in the break room, in the back. You can wait there, if you want. Vending machine's not worth shit, but we got coffee on all the time."

Olivia nodded, giving Elliot a quick glance as they followed the manager down a back hallway.

* * *

><p>Liz glanced down at her watch as she flipped off her computer. "That went a little longer than expected," she said, looking over at Alex, who sat on the couch, her head tipped back. "No kidding," the blonde replied, yanking off her glasses and rubbing the bridge of her nose with her fingertips. She gave a glance at her watch, noting it was past seven. Olivia wasn't the only one whose schedule seemed to be impeded by long working hours.<p>

Liz sighed as she gathered a stack of papers, and placed them neatly in her attaché case. "Want a lift home?" she asked, taking note of the blonde's tired eyes.

Alex gave a quick glance at the small, bulging black bag at her feet, her neck flushing slightly. Liz caught her hesitation. She fought the urge to roll her eyes, and instead raised a knowing eyebrow, appraising the attorney's extra bag, which was clearly packed with more than work memos. "Want a lift to Olivia's?" she corrected. "If it's outside of Manhattan, forget it."

Alex snuck a glimpse at Liz's expression, attempting to gauge her reaction. "It's below 14th," she said.

Liz lifted her bag off her desk, glancing once more at her workspace before looking up at Alex. "It's on the way," she sighed, gesturing for Alex to gather her things.

.

* * *

><p>Olivia stood outside the back door to the break room, which led to a small employee parking lot. Her eyes watched the waning summer light, and she felt a distinct urge to finish with the interviews and head home to Alex. Elliot stood nearby, chatting with an employee, milking him for information regarding Chandler's behavior. Olivia watched as another man slammed his car door, and approached the entrance. She recognized his dark, prominent eyebrows and lifted her back off the wall, placing her hand on her badge. "Mr. Reynolds?" she asked, as he stepped up to the door. "Detective Benson, NYPD. You mind if I take a couple of minutes of your time?"<p>

The man shook his head, his eyes bewildered as he stared at Olivia's badge. "Something wrong, Detective?" he asked.

Olivia quickly put him at ease, shaking her head. "No, sir, I just want to ask you some questions about your coworker, Raymond Chandler." She watched his reaction.

Reynolds' didn't seem surprised. "He's no good," he said, a Brooklyn accent slipping into his speech.

Olivia peered closer at him. "Why is that?" she asked.

The man shrugged. "Oh, I don't know, gut instinct. The guy's a weird one, but I don't pay no mind. It's not my job to judge anybody. But I am glad when I don't have to work with him."

Olivia nodded. "But you're partners, right?" she goaded, going off on what the man's supervisor had told her earlier.

Reynolds nodded. "Yeah. But he don't show up for work all that often."

Olivia swallowed, not particularly enjoying the sensation that tightened her throat. Although she'd learned to trust her gut after years on the job, she had learned that it didn't always lead to anything pleasant.

* * *

><p>Liz pulled over toward the curb, idling the engine. She watched as Alex heaved her bag from the backseat, pulling out a set of keys, one of which she assumed was Olivia Benson's.<p>

"It's none of my business," Liz began as Alex placed her hand on the door handle.

Alex turned towards the older woman and gave her a knowing smile, this time appreciating the motherly concern in Liz's eyes. "It _is_ none of your business," she repeated with a grin as she climbed out of her boss' car. She stuck her head back in the opening of the door. "Thanks for the ride, Liz," she said as she nudged the door shut with her hip.

Liz gave an exaggerated sigh, making sure Alex was inside the doors of the building before driving off.

* * *

><p>Elliot walked over to where Olivia and Lou Reynolds stood, giving the man a quick nod. Olivia looked over at him, but continued questioning the man in front of her.<p>

"Mr. Reynolds, how often does Mr. Chandler miss work?"

The man shrugged. Once or twice a week. Not that he misses his paycheck," he grunted. "A young guy, Oliver, last name Johns, clocks him in and out." Olivia glanced up at Elliot as the man continued. "Don't really bother me none," he said, giving a shrug. "I don't like working with him anyway. Guy's one hateful son of a bitch."

"Where is this Oliver?" Olivia asked. "He here yet?"

Reynolds shrugged, and motioned for the two detectives to follow him inside. He immediately pointed toward a lanky kid with a shaved head, who sat with his feet propped up on one of the break room's tables. "That's him," he said. "I gotta get to work, Detectives," he said, eyeing the time clock.

Olivia shook her head, giving the man a small smile. "Thanks a lot, Mr. Reynolds," she said. "I appreciate your help."

He nodded, walking over to a small machine on the wall, and began punching in several numbers. Olivia glanced back at Elliot as she made her way over to Oliver. The boy, who looked to be in his early twenties, looked up at them as they walked closer, tipping his shoes back down to the floor. He glanced at the badge that Olivia flashed him.

"Mr. Johns? Mind if we ask you a couple of questions?" She took a seat, not waiting for him to respond, and clasped her hands in front of her, pinning him with her gaze. Elliot slipped around to the other side, pulling out a chair next to Johns and sinking into it, looking at the young man expectantly.

* * *

><p>Alex slipped into Olivia's kitchen, shutting the door gently behind her. She dropped her bags by the door, relishing the feeling of slipping her heels off of her feet. She wandered over to Olivia's living room windows, hugging her arms to her chest, taking in the view of the city. She flipped on a lamp, bathing the living room in a soft glow, and saw a copy of the Times Sunday Magazine flipped open on the couch. The blonde smiled to herself, walking back toward the kitchen and yanking open the refrigerator door. She pulled out a bottle of opened white wine, and poured herself a glass, allowing it to breathe. She reached back into refrigerator and took out a covered glass dish, the smell of cabbage nearly bowling her over as she opened it. "Jesus," she murmured. Despite the strong smell, her stomach growled, signaling that she was overdue for dinner. She reached up and grabbed a plate from a nearby cabinet, spooning a healthy portion onto it before sticking it in the microwave.<p>

As the microwave hummed, her eyes drifted to the magazine that lay on the couch, which she had already read, then toward the television, which she rarely watched. Her mind flashed back to the stack of books on the table in Olivia's bedroom. She headed through the middle room, running her hands across Olivia's desk, her closed computer, enjoying the comfort she felt in the detective's home.

She stepped into the bedroom, and spotted the stack of books, their pages fluttering from the breeze that drifted through the open window next to them. Her eyes flashed to the open window, and she felt instinct kicking in, despite the fact that her mind had not yet processed any danger. Before she could turn, she felt something small and tight pulling around her neck. Alex opened her mouth to scream, but the force with which the strap crushed her windpipe silenced her. Her hands flashed up behind her as she flailed, attempting to keep her balance, but falling against the person behind her. Her fingers pulled frantically, grasping at gloved hands as she struggled silently, fighting for air.


	11. Chapter 11

Oliver Johns looked from Elliot back to Olivia. "Yeah, I clock in for Chandler," he said, shrugging. "He gives me a small cut of his check." He gave a sidelong look at Elliot. "That ain't illegal is it?" he asked.

Elliot ignored him, studying his face. "Listen, Oliver, we need to know the exact dates that you clocked in for him. You remember those?"

Oliver shook his head. "I don't know," he said. "A couple of times last week, the week before last."

Olivia pressed him. "We need dates," she said. "Think hard."

Oliver paused, moving his lips gently as he counted back the days. He turned to a calendar that hung near the coffee machine and rose from his chair walking over to it. "July 9, July 10, July 15, and July 16, he said.

Olivia looked at Elliot, her eyes sparking. "Those are our dates," she said. She picked her phone out of her holster, her fingers poised over Alex's number, prepared to call for the warrant.

The kid looked back at them, walking casually back to his seat. "And tonight," he finished, sitting back down in his chair.

Olivia looked up at him, her fingers hovering over her phone. "What?" she asked, dread running like a current through her body.

"I'm clocking in for him tonight," Oliver repeated. He gave another look at Elliot. "But… I won't, if it's illegal…"

Olivia met Elliot's gaze, her own alarm reflected in his eyes. He rose quickly from his chair. "I'll put out an APB," he said quickly, picking his phone out of his pocket and walking towards the exit. Olivia's fingers trembled slightly as she put her phone to her ear. Whether it was from adrenaline or some other source of fear, she couldn't tell.

_This is Alex, leave a message._

"Shit," Olivia mumbled. She looked over at Oliver and tossed him a business card. "Thanks, Oliver," she said, standing. "We'll be in touch." She turned, walking briskly, and flung open the break room door, speeding toward Elliot and the squad car. He glanced back at her as he opened the driver's side door. "We're heading to Chandler's place?" he confirmed as Olivia met him at the car.

She nodded. "I know how to get there," she said, flashing back to the hours she'd spent the weekend before tracking him. "Drive."

* * *

><p>Alex struggled, her hands moving further up the arms that choked her, squinting her blue eyes shut as she blindly kicked a leg out behind her, hoping to make contact with the figure behind her. A muffled, male grunt sounded, and Alex kicked again, forcefully. The man's leg buckled momentarily, and she felt the strip on her neck slack slightly. She took advantage of the give, and turned quickly, attempting to deliver another kick to the figure's groin. She missed, but felt her knee hit the flesh of his inner thigh, and he crumpled to one knee. Alex's head swam as she desperately pulled air back into her aching chest, her fingers gripping the wall, commanding her body to move. She stumbled towards the middle room, her vision tunneling before her. <em>Scream<em>, an inner voice commanded, but her chest heaved sporadically, the only sound she managed coming out ragged and breathless.

She heard a scuffle behind her, and threw herself further, toward the living room. _Get out,_ the voice said. Lurching on unsteady legs, her hands found contact with Olivia's desk when she felt a hard object strike the small of her back. Any breath that she had recovered was knocked back out of her as she fell to her hands and knees with a grunt, pain searing through her. She felt his hand on her bare leg, and she kicked back at him, adrenaline commanding her to fight. A hard object cracked down on her left ankle and she cried out in pain. Finding her voice, she opened her mouth to scream as the man pulled himself on top of her. His hand wrapped itself in her hair and yanked back harshly. Alex's scream came out as a thwarted gurgle, her neck feeling as if it would snap. A shiver ran through her spine, and she felt a deep well of fear settle into her chest, knowing that if she let it get the best of her, it would paralyze her instincts. She again struggled to take air into her stretched throat as she felt his breath in her ear. He said nothing.

He slid off of her, his hand still entwined in her hair. As he rose to his knees, Alex flipped herself over, tears rising to her eyes as she felt her hair rip from her scalp. She threw herself onto him, using the momentum of her body to push him off balance. Her hand swiped his face, her fingers catching his black mask, lifting it and exposing a delicate chin, lean nose, and bright, clear green eyes. Alex gasped, reflexively pulling away from him as she registered the same green gaze that she'd seen the week before. "No, no, no, no," she moaned, scrambling to her feet. She let out a scream of pain and frustration as her left ankle crumpled beneath her and she felt him on top of her once again. He straddled her, averting his exposed face from her hands, which darted out, scraping his neck, his cheek. He grabbed another handful of her hair and pulled her head forward before slamming it back onto the floor. Alex's vision blurred, her hands losing momentum as the room spun around her. Raymond Chandler placed a crowbar across Alex's neck, pushing down on her throat. Alex's hands moved toward the smooth metal, but she could feel her mind separating from her body as her hands grasped limply at the metal.

He ran a finger across his cheek, coming away with blood. _Shit_, he thought, looking down at the blonde, whose eyes were rolling back in her head. He had no idea when the detective, who had been his original target, was due home. _Shit_, he thought again, rising quickly off of the woman below him and giving an angry kick to her midsection. She grunted in pain, rolling to her side, gripping her torso. _Shit_, he thought again, anger rising in his chest as he retrieved his mask, pulling it back over his head. He landed another kick, lashing out in the same spot, this time hearing the satisfying crack of a rib. He leaned over, grabbing his crowbar from her neck and dragging her by her hair back to the bedroom. He lifted her mostly dead weight onto the bed, climbing on top of her. Straddling her, he lifted her limp hands above her head, holding them together in one hand while retrieving a piece of plastic wire from his pocket. He pulled the wire tightly around her hands, wrapping them firmly to the headboard as he kept his eyes on Alex's, her blue eyes still dazed.

Alex felt her hands above her head, and felt a sharp sting in her wrists. Spots still clouded her vision, but she felt Olivia's smooth comforter underneath her, Chandler's weight on top of her. The spots dotting her vision grew smaller and she saw him watching her, saw his eyes beneath his mask, running across her heaving chest. She held his gaze as he reached into his pocket, her eyes widening as she caught the glimmer of the knife blade he brought towards her.

"Wrong place, wrong time," he said, running the sharp edge of the knife against her throat. "I didn't expect to see you tonight, Ms. Cabot. Tell me," he whispered, leaning down into her. "When is Detective Benson expected home?" He watched as her pulse pounded beneath his knife.

Alex felt fear well in the pit of her stomach at the mention of Olivia, and her throat tightened. She shook her head, almost unwittingly, and didn't see Chandler's fist until it cracked against her cheek. Her head reeled sideways, and she felt her lip rip against her teeth. He gripped her jaw, roughly turning her face back towards him. "I don't mind waiting for her," he threatened. "I'll enjoy making you describe everything I did to _you_ before I do it to _her._"

Alex swallowed blood, feeling a tooth jiggle inside her mouth. She felt a burn in her chest, a flare of anger. She spit at him, dousing his mask in a fine spray of blood. She felt two more blows explode against the side of her face, and she moaned into the comforter. He drug the knife across Alex's neck, along the red, inflamed line left from the plastic strap, then lower across her collarbone. "No," she said, as he continued lower, flicking open the buttons along her blouse. He cut her sleeves, ripping the shirt from her body before ripping it down the fabric of her skirt. He pulled it roughly from her hips, and she instinctively pressed her legs together. He wrenched them back open, dragging the knife up one thigh, digging in hard enough to leave a thin ribbon of blood.

Chandler turned his head to look at the blonde, the fabric of the mask clouding his view. He ripped it off, her pale skin coming clearer into view. He watched as her chest rose and fell, watched how her stomach muscles twisted as he moved his knife up her pelvis, heard her breath hitch as he yanked the knife up under her bra, ripping it from her torso. "Detective Benson enjoys having her cake and eating it, too," he whispered, his knife trailing lower, ripping through her thin underwear. He looked back at Alex, his eyes locking onto hers as he watched her steel her jaw, even as fear and repulsion crept into her blue eyes. "You don't say much," he said, the fingers of his free hand roaming up her leg, across her stomach, then pressing below her sternum. She writhed under him as he pressed into her broken ribs, her eyes tearing in pain. He released the pressure and brought his knife up to her chest, circling her breast. "Let's see how quiet you can be for this next part."

* * *

><p>Olivia slammed her hand on the dashboard. "Shit! Alex isn't picking up her phone." She stared out of the windshield, a feeling creeping into the back of her mind. "Elliot, he's not at work, he wasn't at his apartment. That sadistic fuck is looking for another mark tonight."<p>

Elliot concentrated, his eyes narrowing as he wove in and out of traffic. "Liv, there are hundreds of officer out on the streets tonight who have seen the APB. He'll turn up." He turned a quick corner, and Olivia reached out to the dashboard to steady herself. She shook her head, dread deepening in the pit of her belly. Once again an image of Jessica Flanagan's bruised face flashed through her mind, those spiritless blue eyes staring back at her at the precinct. "Elliot, take me home," she demanded suddenly.

Elliot glanced at her, his foot pressing further on the gas pedal as he caught a tremor of panic in his partner's voice. "Liv, there something you're not telling me?" he asked.

She shook her head, her eyes staring at the city blurring outside her window. "I don't know," she responded, working hard to keep her voice level. She paused. "I saw him this weekend," she said quietly. "I tracked him, and he saw me."

"What?" Elliot shouted, banging his fist on the steering wheel. "What the hell were you thinking, Liv?" He shook his head, frustrated. "Even if he wasn't a nut job, what are you doing following him around? Did he threaten you? He could be coming for _you_ right now." He peered over at her briefly, worried anger flashing in his eyes.

Olivia didn't respond, but his words cut deeply in her chest, giving voice to the worry that had settled within her over the past hour. "Just get me home, Elliot." She had an urgent desire to see Alex, to put her arms around her, and somehow, to put this case behind her, if only for one night. Anything beyond that, she didn't want to think about anymore.

* * *

><p>"Tell me what she does to you."<p>

His words, his blows, her moans melded together in a resounding tunnel of pain. She felt his teeth on her, a sting in her neck, whispering into her ear, "Whore." She felt air around her as he leaned off of her, gasping in air, her ribs sending a sharp pain into her lungs. She saw a flash of white, something hovering over her, and she welcomed it, a wild, thrashing panic setting in only as she registered the pillow over her face. Blinding, searing pain in her chest, then her thigh, her muffled screams resounding in her own private hell.

She saw him again, the white of the pillow disappearing, her chest on fire. Her blue eyes stared into his, unable to move, frozen in fear as she watched him. His hand gripping her neck, pulling her toward him, the crack as her shoulder pulled in her restraints. A flash of pain between her legs, the bile rising in her throat. Another ripping ache, her hot tears coating her cheeks. A steady pumping as she dry heaved, choking, finally closing her eyes to him. Hours, or merely minutes later, feeling weightless. She felt herself spin, saw the room turn in her eyes, tried to keep her eye on him, not seeing him, until finally welcoming darkness.

* * *

><p>Elliot pulled up in front of Olivia's apartment with a squeal of his brakes, twisting off the ignition and unbuckling his seatbelt. Olivia turned to him, her hand poised on the handle of the door. "Elliot, what are you doing?"<p>

"I'm coming up," he said.

Olivia protested. "Elliot, we'll be fine." She watched his face, a passing car's headlights illuminating the worry in his eyes. "I'll text you when I'm in," she assured him, stepping out of the car.

He climbed out of the car, locking it. "Not good enough," he said.

She shook her head at her partner's persistence and let him follow her into the building, up the two flights of stairs to her apartment door. She slid her key in the lock and stepped inside, Elliot following her. A persistent beep sounded from the microwave, and Olivia stepped over to it, flipping open the door. A plate of cabbage sat inside, cold. An unsettled feeling, resembling nausea, settled into Olivia's stomach as she eyed the full wine glass sitting on the counter. "Alex," she called, walking into the living room, the small lamp allowing her to see that everything was exactly how she had left it that morning. "Alex?" she called again, her voice a pitch higher. She walked towards the middle room, noticing a pile of papers scattered across the floor, her desk pushed oddly against the far wall. Her eyes drifted toward the open window in the bedroom, and her she lunged forward. "Alex!" she called, panic fully realized in her scream. She saw the blood, heavy ribbons running across the width of the blonde's body, pooling heavily near her chest.

"Ohhh God," she moaned, her stomach heaving as she lurched toward the bed on unsteady legs. "No, no, no, no," she said, her gun dropping to the floor, her hands hovering over Alex's limp body. Elliot was behind her in a second, halting on his heels. "Jesus Christ," he said, fumbling for his phone. He turned his eyes toward the open window pressing the phone to his ear. "I need an ambulance," he said, climbing out of the window to the fire escape, reciting Olivia's address. The alley below him was empty, the night quiet.

"Alex," Olivia said, her voice loud and wavering. The blonde was unresponsive, her eyes closed, her head lolled limply to one side. Olivia's fingers fumbled for a pulse and she exhaled as she saw the blonde's chest rise and fall in an unsteady rhythm. She grabbed a blanket and pressed it to the wound in her chest, blood seeping quickly through it. "Alex," she repeated, a small cry escaping her throat as she assessed the rest of her body. She grabbed her knife from her holster, quickly cutting through the bonds on Alex's hands, gently rubbing the circulation back into the pale fingers. She brought her arms down to her sides, taking note of the odd angle of her right arm. Olivia jumped at a scuffle at the window, audibly exhaling as she saw Elliot hitch his leg over the sill. She looked up at him, her face a mask of horror as he walked over to her, looking down at the blonde. Olivia followed his gaze, noticing the blood pooling between Alex's legs.

"Oh, God," she said with a choked sob as she pulled the blanket down over Alex's body, pressing it into her thigh. Elliot put a hand on her back. "Olivia," he said, his hand circling gently, "I'm going to check out the alley downstairs." He bent down toward her, forcing him to look into his eyes. "The ambulance will be here in two minutes. Stay with her." She nodded as Elliot turned toward the door, tears welling in her eyes as she turned back toward the attorney, her shaking hands still pressing the blanket into her wounds.

"Alex, sweetie," she said, her eyes watching the light rise and fall of the attorney's chest. "Alex, sweetie, it's me. I'm here, Alex, you're safe, we've got help on the way, sweetheart." She felt a hot tear roll down her cheek. "Alex, open your eyes, sweetie, you're safe." She repeated the words over and over as Alex lay still, her breathing becoming slightly labored. Olivia heard sirens in the distance, willing them to come faster.

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><p>Liz Donnelly pushed her way through several nurses, her eyes roaming wildly down the length of the bright, sterile hallway. She spotted Cragen, his head dipped back against the white wall he leaned on. He saw her, and walked calmly towards her, his brow furrowed. "Where is she?" Liz asked, breathless.<p>

Cragen put a calm hand on her shoulder, wanting to ease the panic he saw in the attorney's eyes. "She's in the OR. We haven't gotten any news yet, Liz."

Liz inhaled, futilely attempting to calm the terror in her voice. "What happened?" Her eyes grazed over him wildly.

Cragen frowned, gesturing toward a row of chairs against the wall. "Liz, maybe you should sit down – "

Liz shrugged his hands from her shoulders, frustrated, tears glistening in her eyes. "Damn it, Don, what happened?"

He took a breath. "Liz, Alex was assaulted and raped in Olivia Benson's apartment tonight."

Liz let out a breathless moan, and placed a steadying hand onto the Captain's chest. "Oh God," she said, her voice cracking as she remembered watching Alex walk into the detective's apartment earlier that night. "Was Olivia - ?"

Cragen shook his head. "She was with Stabler, working the Flanagan case. She and Elliot found Alex. The suspect had fled."

Liz peered over Cragen's shoulder and saw Olivia sitting in a chair, her arms resting on her knees, her head in her hands. She looked back at the Captain, her lower lip trembling. She tried to focus on the lines in his forehead, the pattern on his tie, anything to keep herself from breaking. He placed his hands back on her shoulders. "Liz, she'll be fine," he assured her, but she could read the uncertainty masked across his features.

"Did you see her come in?" Liz asked, the idea of questions giving her some semblance of control, which she was on the verge of losing completely. "Was she conscious?" Her voice was small, and she felt her energy quickly draining from her.

Cragen shook his head again. "Olivia said she wasn't conscious when she found her." He dipped his head toward the DA, forcing her to look him in the eye. "She was breathing, Liz, and she had a pulse," he assured her.

She nodded, placing her shaking hands over her eyes. She inhaled deeply.

"Is there anyone I can call for her?" Cragen asked.

Liz removed her hands, her eyes red, and looked up at him blankly. She thought for a moment, forcing her mind to focus on his question. "Her Uncle," she said, nodding slightly, almost as if to reassure herself that her mind could actually function, could do something helpful.

Cragen nodded. "Bill Hermann," he said, familiar with the name. "Do you want to give me a number where I can reach him?" he asked gently.

Liz nodded, fishing her phone out of her purse, cursing her fingers as they shook. Cragen reached for the phone, but she jerked it back from him, desperately wanting to focus on a task. She steeled her jaw, but knew her eyes betrayed her. "I can do it," she said, her voice cracking. "I can do it."

Cragen gave her a reassuring nod. "Call him. I'll be right over there," he said, pointing toward Olivia, whose head still rested limply in her hands. Liz glanced over at Olivia, and her chest ached for the woman. "Don," she said, grabbing his arm as he turned, "Alex and Olivia – "

Cragen cut her off, nodding his head and placing a hand on her arm. "I know," he said. He turned and walked back toward his detective, leaving Liz to make the call. He took a seat next to Olivia and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. The brunette kept her head in her hands, and the two sat silently for several moments.

"He wasn't at work tonight," she said, her voice muffled.

Cragen leaned in closer, his eyes squinting to hear her. "Olivia? What was that?" He watched as she lifted her head and looked at him. Her eyes were swollen and red-rimmed.

"Chandler wasn't at work tonight," she said.

The older man turned to face her, his eyes concerned. "Olivia, we can talk about this later. Elliot's at the scene, he's making sure they gather every scrap of evidence - "

Olivia cut him off, her voice a mere whisper. "I followed him. He saw me. He wanted _me_."

Cragen's eyes deepened in concern as he stared at Olivia. He parted his lips to speak, but was cut off as Liz walked over, her phone still in her hand. He abdicated his seat, giving Olivia's shoulder one last squeeze before motioning for the attorney to sit. She nodded toward him, but stopped in front of Olivia, squatting in front of the detective, her eyes on the crown of the brunette's bowed head.

"Olivia," she said, taking her hands into her own, dipping her head lower to catch the detective's eyes. "I'm so sorry."

Olivia felt several stray tears trail down her cheeks as she looked up at older woman, registering the ache that pooled in Liz's eyes. She quickly shook her tears away, wiping them with the back of her fist, dropping her head into her chest.

"Olivia, listen to me," Liz instructed, her tone assertive as she squeezed the detective's knee. "Look at me, Olivia."

"I should've been there," Olivia whispered, her voice catching in her throat.

Liz shook her head, wishing the detective would look up at her. She placed a hand on Olivia's chin and gently guided her gaze upwards. "No, Olivia," she said, her eyes boring into the detective's own. "Don't go there, okay? You can't blame yourself for this."

Olivia rocked herself silently for a moment before turning her attention toward Cragen, who had stepped away momentarily, his expression turning serious as he pressed his buzzing phone to his ear. "I need to hear this." She moved to get up, but Liz clamped her hand on Olivia's shoulder and pulled her back into the chair.

"Olivia, listen to me. Right now, you need to sit here and you need to breathe, okay? You don't need to act like a cop right now, Olivia, you need to act like a girlfriend."

Olivia looked at Liz, tears pooling hotly in her eyes. "I'm not sure I know how to do that," she whispered.

Liz straightened, sitting in the chair next to Olivia, giving her an empathetic look before placing an arm around the detective's shoulder and pulling her into her body. "You're already doing that, Olivia," she whispered. "You're already doing that."

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><p><em>Thank you again to all of you who consistently review. I really do appreciate (and very much use) your feedback. <em>


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia looked up as Cragen walked towards her, gazing seriously at the floor as he holstered his phone at his hip. He came to a halt in front of the two women, the plea in Olivia's tone not lost on him. "Was that Elliot?" she asked.

He gave a solemn nod. "They're still working the scene, but Elliot's going to drop over some clean clothes for you." Olivia gave a small nod, not bothering to look down at the crimson streaks across her t-shirt, afraid of the images that they would conjure in her mind. Cragen continued, transferring his gaze to Liz. "We need a warrant to search Chandler's apartment," he said.

Olivia looked up, the name tightening her chest. "And a warrant for his arrest," she said, taking only the slightest comfort in focusing on the details of her job. "He wasn't at work the three nights in question, and we've got a coworker who can testify to clocking in for him. He wasn't at work tonight, either."

Liz nodded, looking from Olivia to Cragen. "Done," she said, her fingers already working her phone.

Olivia rose from her chair, looking up at Cragen with a set of hopeful eyes. "Was any evidence found at the scene?" She exhaled, allowing her mind to spiral toward the case, fear and anger driving her onward.

Cragen parted his lips to speak, but his gaze focused behind Olivia. She turned, and inhaled sharply as she saw a doctor coming towards them, her hands shoved in the pockets of her white coat. As the woman approached, Liz stood, the three of them forming an apprehensive line, unable to read the doctor's expression. She halted, giving a nod of recognition towards Olivia and Cragen. "She's stable," she began, knowing all to well the importance of first sharing the good news. "We've got her in ICU right now so that we can keep an eye on her brain activity due to some swelling from a head trauma." She gazed in turn at each of them before continuing. "She lost a lot of blood, and had some internal bleeding due to some broken ribs, but we patched her up. She's got some bruising, a separated shoulder, and a slight fracture in her ankle, but she will be fine, physically." She paused, as a wave of relief passed the line in front of her. "We'll want to keep her in ICU until she wakes up, then we'll move her to a private room for a couple of days to monitor her progress." She paused again, this time taking a longer breath. "We completed a rape kit, which does indicate forced entry."

Olivia focused on the woman's embroidered name on her coat, the meaning of her words swirling through her mind. "When can we see her?" she managed to ask.

The doctor motioned at the three of them to follow her. "I'll take you now, but let's keep it to one visitor at a time, okay?"

Olivia and Liz nodded as they followed her through a set of double doors, Cragen close behind them, his hands in his pockets. Olivia watched as the tails of the woman's coat fluttered behind her, much like the doctor's coat did the night she met Jessica Flanagan at the hospital. She swallowed her nausea as the woman stopped in front of a small room. Olivia stood rooted in place, staring at the door, as guilt and fear rose in her chest, her breath becoming labored. Liz placed a gentle hand on Olivia's back. "She needs you," she said, motioning her inside. Olivia took a last deep, unsteady breath as she stepped inside, the door closing behind her.

She stood at the door for a moment, her gaze focused on the small form before her, almost unrecognizable. Olivia fought the urge to turn around, to tell the doctor that she'd been taken to the wrong room. Instead, she put one foot in front of the other, her eyes taking in the blonde hair, the pale skin that seemed even paler underneath the sterile lighting. She felt blood rushing to her head as she put her fingers gently on the small hand that lay unmoving on the bed, an IV snaking out of it. She took comfort in the fact that the hand was warm beneath hers, unlike the way it felt when she detached the blonde's hands from the headboard only hours before. Alex's chest rose and fell, the beeping of the heart monitor signaling a steady pulse, the only sound in the room. Olivia flinched at the bruises that marred the attorney's angular jaw, and bent her head down to place a light kiss on the blonde's temple. "Alex," she whispered softly into her ear, "I'm not leaving you." She kissed her again, just as lightly, her fingers stroking the back of the blonde's hand. "You're going to be okay," she said, repeating the words, her head pressed against the blonde hair, to the point where she wasn't sure if she was offering comfort to Alex or to herself.

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><p>Liz watched as the door closed behind Olivia, her eyes catching a brief glimpse of Alex's blanketed torso. She heard Cragen speak beside her, but his words sounded muffled in her ears. She looked from the older man back to the doctor, staring blankly, as the woman began to answer the Captain's question. "We didn't get any fluids, but we did get some fingernail scrapings that may help," she said.<p>

_Fluids. Fingernail scrapings_. The words sounded foreign to her, words that she had dealt with many times, reading over them in case statements, medical reports, affidavits. She kept her eyes on the doctor, Cragen's words lost to her once again.

"… deliberate wounds on her chest and inner thigh, three separate hash marks…"

Liz directed her attention towards Cragen, watching as he nodded, bowing his head. She had been familiar with Jessica Flanagan's attack, had spoken with Alex at length about the nature of the crime. She couldn't have these same conversations _about_ Alex. She shook her head, vehemently, and noticed Cragen and the doctor staring at her, concerned. The doctor glanced at the Captain before continuing. "I'll get the rape kit results to you right away," she said. She gave another glance at Liz as she turned to walk away, but looked back abruptly. "She put up a hell of a fight," she said, before walking back down the hallway, the double doors swallowing her.

Liz leaned against the wall, forcing her mind to still. She looked up at Cragen. "Do you think Raymond Chandler is behind this?"

Cragen shook his head. "We get that warrant, we'll know soon enough." She saw concern in his eyes. "Liz, if there's anything you need…"

She nodded, but kept her eyes on the door to Alex's room, suddenly moving towards it, knocking lightly before entering. She saw Olivia hovering over Alex, her lips pressed to her forehead. The detective looked over at her as she entered, and Liz motioned for her to stay put. "Stay," she said, her eyes falling softly toward the sleeping blonde as she walked tepidly to the opposite side of the bed. "I needed to see her," she said, apologetically, as if she wasn't sure how she had ended up inside the room.

Olivia nodded as Liz stepped closer. "Jesus, Alex," the older woman said, her eyes grazing Alex's bruises, the cut lip, the bandages peeping out from underneath her gown. "You fought the hell out of him." She leaned down, her hands running softly over the blonde's hair. "Good girl," she said. She looked over at Olivia, whose eyes were still locked on the sleeping attorney. "I called her Aunt and Uncle," Liz informed her. "They're vacationing in the Napa Valley, but they're catching the next flight out."

Olivia nodded, familiar with Bill Hermann, a well-known judge. She watched Liz's fingers as they stroke Alex's hair, watched the older woman bite her lip as she looked down. The two women stood in silence for a long time, listening to the beep of the machine, Alex's steady pulse the only sound in the room. Olivia spoke first. "I feel like this can't be real," she said, her eyes on the blonde. Olivia waited Liz turned her gaze toward her. "I'm so, so sorry," she whispered, her voice cracking. Liz reached her free hand across Alex's body, resting it on Olivia's fingers and giving a reassuring squeeze. "The only person I want to be sorry is the sadistic bastard who did this to her," she said, her eyes locking onto Olivia's. They continued to stand in silence, minutes turning into hours, watching as disparate nurses came in to check vitals, change the IV, adjust the monitor, while Alex continued to sleep.

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><p>A soft knock sounded at the door, jolting Olivia out of her jumbled thoughts, her mind tunneling back to the present. She turned towards the door as Elliot's face appeared, and her breath caught in her throat as he walked into the room carrying a small duffel bag that Olivia recognized from her own closet. She felt a hitch of revulsion in her stomach as her mind flashed back to the scene in her middle room: scattered papers, the desk haphazard against the wall. She rose from the chair that she'd retrieved earlier, her fingers almost unwilling to let go of the limp hand that she had held for the past two hours. Elliot placed the bag on the floor before pulling Olivia into him, giving her a strong embrace. She sighed into his chest, but his arms felt strangely heavy around her, and for a brief moment she felt as if she was being suffocated. She pulled away and looked up at him. "Thank you," she said, indicating the bag.<p>

He nodded, assessing his partner before walking over to Liz and placing a large hand on her shoulder as he looked down at Alex, her face still slack from sleep. "How is she?" he asked, his eyes warily traveling down the bruises along her face.

Liz nodded before speaking, as if to assure herself of Alex's condition. "Stable" she replied, the word sounding strangled as it came out of her lips. She cleared her throat, and felt Elliot's hand leave her shoulder as he turned back to Olivia, who still stood by the door, watching the scene in front of her. She had willed Alex to awaken for the past two hours, watching for any sign that her eyes were threatening to open, but now she felt a new anxiety deepen in her, and she wondered how she could help the blonde once she did wake up.

"Liv," Elliot said softly, coming towards her. "I'm headed downstairs to debrief with Cragen – "

"I'm coming with you," Olivia responded, her face staring up at Elliot blankly.

He looked at her, uncertainty settling into his jaw. "Liv, I don't know if that's a good idea…"

She looked back at Alex, saw Liz's hand still stroking her hair softly. She felt entirely useless in the hospital room, her thoughts running from Alex to the man that had put her in that bed. "Elliot, I need to give a statement. I can help track Chandler, there are things that I can do to help."

Elliot heard the desperation in his partner's voice, and knew that more than anything Olivia wanted to help put things back into place. He knew her well enough to know that she had been sitting in the hospital room for hours punishing herself, and that the job would be her outlet, a way to rectify what had happened. He looked at her, and she saw the ascent in his eyes. "Can you get Cragen up here?" she asked, her head motioning to the area just outside the hospital door. "I'm not moving more than ten yards from this room."

Elliot nodded as he lifted his phone from his belt, stepping out into the hallway. Olivia looked back at the hospital bed, hating herself as she watched the heart monitor, willing herself to be in the bed, her mind reeling back toward the evening, the mistakes she had made. She felt her breath hitch in her throat and swallowed back a sob as she stepped out into the hallway.

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><p>Liz took a small plastic cup from the metal tray sitting next to Alex's bed and walked gingerly to the sink that stood against the far wall, filling it quickly to the brim before gulping the lukewarm liquid down her throat. She glanced at her watch, noting with surprise that she had been at the hospital for only five hours, though it felt more like she had been in the tiny room for days, almost as if she had never existed outside of the sterile white walls. Her mind flashed again toward the way the blonde had rested her tired eyes against Liz's couch the day before, and she felt herself tunneling backwards through time. She stood in silence for a moment, her eyes closed. The soft rustling of starched sheets met her ears, a striking difference from the steady beat of the heart monitor. Liz whipped her head around, the cup dropping with a plastic clunk into the sink.<p>

"Alex?" she said, walking over the bed and leaning over it, running her hand through the blonde strands of hair that grazed the attorney's forehead, the ones she'd spent the last several hours combing with her fingers. Alex's eyes fluttered lightly behind closed lids and Liz felt her heart quicken, outpacing the steady rhythm of Alex's own. She clumsily jabbed the call button, speaking gently to the rousing attorney. "Alex, sweetie, open your eyes," she said, repeating the words as she saw Alex struggle. Unfocused blue eyes finally met her gaze, and Liz let out a breath, keeping her eyes on Alex's as they stared blankly for a moment, her pupils dilated. "Alex," she said again, her hands still running steadily through her mussed hair. Confusion wafted through Alex's eyes, and her voice sounded small and breathless. "Mom?" Alex murmured, the words falling almost silent from her lips as she tried desperately to focus on the woman in front of her.

Liz shook her head, keeping her eyes locked on the blonde's willing them to recognize her. "Alex, sweetie, it's Liz," she said softly, watching as the blue eyes worked to register her new surroundings, fear seeping slowly into them. Liz saw the panic slowly grow as the blonde's eyes widened, her body tensing underneath Liz's touch. "Alex, sweetie, you're safe," she promised, feeling the blonde's breath catch as her body went rigid. "You're safe," she repeated.

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><p>Olivia watched as Cragen walked towards them purposefully, his eyes connecting with both of the detectives before focusing on Elliot. "Tell me something," he said, his eyes serious.<p>

Elliot took a breath, giving a sidelong glance at Olivia before delving into his report. "We're running some prints that we found, but chances are they're either going to be Liv's or Alex's. Window lock was tampered with, jammed, just like the one at Flanagan's." Olivia smarted, wondering how her window could have been tampered with, but flinched as she remembered she had slept at Alex's the night before.

"Any fluids?" Cragen prodded.

Elliot shook his head. "Blood on the bed, everywhere else was clean." He looked over, catching the quick rise and fall of his partner's chest, wondering if he'd made the right decision in letting her in on the conversation. He looked back at Cragen, noting the captain was also watching Olivia carefully.

"Nothing around the apartment?" Cragen continued. "Nothing in the dumpsters? Weapons, gloves, mask?"

"No," Elliot said. "Probably takes everything with him. We got that warrant coming?"

Cragen nodded. "Waiting on word from a judge, but it's coming." Cragen glanced at Olivia, assessing her expression. "Listen, when we do get that warrant, I want you to raze Chandler's apartment. If we don't find anything, this is going to be a difficult case to pin on him, got it? Get me something."

Elliot looked at him, affirmation in his eyes. Olivia nodded her head, contributing for the first time to the discussion. "We're going to get something," she assured him. "He likes routine. Chances are he uses the same weapon for each crime, stores them all, either at his apartment or someplace as easily accessible. We get into that apartment, we get closer to finding the weapon." She raised her eyes as one of the nurses walked briskly toward Alex's room, giving Olivia a glance of recognition. Olivia felt her pulse quicken as she glanced up at Cragen and Elliot before barging in behind the nurse, her heart aching for everything to be all right.

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><p>The door squeaked open and Liz felt Alex flinch from the sudden interruption. She looked up to see a nurse file in, Olivia behind her. "She's awake," Liz called softly, turning to look directly at Olivia, who moved around to the opposite side of the bed. "Alex," Olivia whispered, her voice catching in her throat as she saw the muddled blue eyes attempting to focus. "Olivia," she mouthed, sound barely escaping her lips.<p>

The nurse glanced up at Olivia and Liz, allowing them a moment while she observed the machines hooking into Alex's veins. "Alex?" she called gently, moving in front of Liz and leaning down toward the attorney. "My name is Gretchen, I'm a nurse at NYU Medical Center. How are you feeling, honey?" Alex's eyes stayed locked on Olivia's for a moment more before moving laboriously toward the voice, her eyes registering the nurse's presence next to her as she continued speaking, her voice tender. "Your throat may feel a little sore, but that will pass." She picked up a glass of water, placing a straw gently at Alex's lips. The attorney took a small sip, grimacing as the liquid cooled her aching throat. "You may feel a little sleepy," the nurse continued, "but that's good, Alex." The nurse turned to look at Liz and Olivia, leaning up, away from the bed. "Her levels and IV still look fine." She turned her attention back to Alex. "Can you tell me what hurts, honey?" she said softly.

Alex looked up at her, but her vision still swam. "Everything," she mumbled, her lips feeling numb. The nurse nodded, speaking for both Olivia and Liz's benefit as well. "That sounds about right, honey. You put up quite a fight tonight. We've got you on some medicine that will help with the pain and will help you sleep, all right?" Alex tried to nod, not sure if she managed to move her head at all, throbbed painfully. The nurse patted her gently on the arm, turning toward Liz and Olivia. "She'll be in and out for awhile, which is for the best at this point." She gave one last look at Alex's vitals. "I'll be right outside at the station if you need me," she said, walking towards the door.

Liz's phone buzzed from the metal tray where she'd laid it earlier, and she reluctantly turned her attention towards it. "Donnelly," she said, recognizing the number on the screen. She walked towards the far side of the room as she nodded her head into the phone. "Thank you, Lena," she said, hanging up and glancing at Olivia. "Warrant's issued. I'll let Cragen know," she said, walking towards the door.

Olivia looked down at Alex, who swallowed painfully. She quickly grabbed the cup of water that the nurse had abdicated on a nearby tray, and held the straw to Alex's lips once again, the blonde sipping slowly. She saw the blonde's eyes glaze up at her. Olivia gave her a comforting smile. "Alex," she said, placing her fingers along the attorney's hand as she removed the cup. "You can sleep, Alex, I'm here with you and you're safe."

Alex stared at Olivia and wrapped her fingers around the hand that slowly stroked her arm. "Liv," she whispered, squeezing her uninjured eye shut. She let out a small moan, which turned into a light whimper as she began to shake her head vehemently. "Oh no, no, no," she repeated.

Olivia looked down at her, fear gripping her heart. "Alex, sweetie, it's going to be okay," she whispered. She studied the blonde's eyes as they opened again, this time staring at the ceiling, unmoving. "Alex," Olivia continued, "Do you remember anything?"

Alex fixed her stare on Olivia, the hand no longer gripping the detective's. "I remember everything,"

Olivia flinched inwardly as she felt the attorney's hand lay limply, her head rolling to the other side of the room, her eyes staring vacantly into space. "I remember everything," she repeated. She paused, her own heartbeat the only sound in the room. "I saw him," she said.

Olivia stared down at her, alarmed. "What do you mean, Alex?" she asked, afraid of the attorney's next words.

Alex turned back to face Olivia, her eyes astoundingly clear as she looked up at her. "I saw him," she repeated, her words emotionless. "It was Chandler," she said, the name slipping from her lips.

Olivia felt as if someone had punched her, the breath leaving her body as she watched Alex's eyes flutter drowsily, finally closing again as the medication made its way into her system. She watched the steady rise and fall of Alex's chest as frustrated, angry tears blurred her vision, finally falling heavily down her face.

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><p><em>Thanks for sticking with me...<em>


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks again to everyone who consistently reviews - it's really helpful to know whether people are enjoying this. I really do appreciate it and I encourage your feedback. **

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><p>Liz nodded at Cragen and Stabler as the three of them stood just outside the door to Alex's hospital room, the blonde Bureau Chief looking levelly at the two of them. "You know this better than I do, but she's going to insist on going with you to serve that warrant." She glanced up Elliot before turning her gaze to Cragen. "It's your call, but <em>nothing<em> can hinder this case."

Cragen nodded as Elliot spoke, acknowledging the urgency in Liz's voice. "Olivia wants nothing more than to see Chandler in jail," he said.

"That's not the problem, here, Elliot, and you know it." She sighed.

"We're all emotionally invested here," Cragen said, looking momentarily down at the floor. "We need to be conscious that we're making the right decisions so that we can win this case." He glanced up at Elliot. "You come to me with anything, you got that? The first moment you see any signs of trouble."

Elliot nodded, sighing as Alex's door opened, Olivia closing it quietly behind her as she stepped into the hallway. If her colleagues noticed the red underneath her eyes, they didn't acknowledge it. "She's sleeping," Olivia notified them, running a hand over her eyes subconsciously. She looked at Liz. "The warrant's in?"

Elliot nodded. "I'm on my way over now."

Olivia looked up at him. "I'm coming with you," she stated, her tone matter of fact. The glance that Cragen and Elliot exchanged over her head was not lost on her, and she pursed her lips in a grim line. "Don't treat me like I'm not here," she said, bitterness creeping into her voice. "I'm perfectly capable of assisting on this search."

Cragen studied her. "Olivia, we're dealing with a rapist and a murderer. My concerns right now are not only for this case, but also for your safety."

Olivia tossed her head back, giving an exasperated groan. "Captain, it's not like he's sitting at his apartment waiting for us."

Elliot glanced at his boss, then down at his partner. "She's got a point, Captain. He won't be anywhere near the apartment." He narrowed his eyes at Olivia, attempting to judge her feelings on accompanying him. "You sure you don't want to be here if Alex wakes up?"

Olivia returned his look, a silent plea in her eyes as she took a shaky breath. "I can help her more by making sure this investigation is done right."

Cragen reluctantly nodded his ascent. "All right. We've got a team meeting you at Chandler's apartment, we've still got the APB out on him." He paused, organizing his thoughts in his head. "We got any cars registered to him?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, but there is a black 2001 Ford Taurus and a beige 1999 Chevy Pickup registered to his father, Neil Chandler back in Oklahoma. Couldn't get in touch with him, so I've got no way of knowing whether his son has the car or not, but I figure he's more than likely in the Taurus. It's smaller, dark, serves as an inconspicuous getaway from the crime scenes."

Elliot piped up. "I updated the bulletin this morning. Chandler doesn't drive in to work, though, coworkers say he takes the subway. There's no connection to him and the car yet, but it's hard to believe he could transport the first victim's body without it." He glanced down at Olivia, knowing that she hadn't seen Chandler in a car the entire weekend she'd been trailing him, but he decided to omit the information to his Captain, not looking for another reason for him to question his partner's attachment to the case.

Cragen nodded. "And possibly storing our weapon there," he said. Find it." He tossed a look toward Liz. "Let's go ahead and get a warrant ready for the car, in case we need it. Needless to say, Detectives, we need some evidence here. I need a weapon, fingerprints. We've got nothing as it stands."

Olivia flashed to Alex's words a few minutes earlier. Her certainty of her attacker's identity, her cloudless blue eyes staring vacantly as she uttered Chandler's name. "We may have an eyewitness identification," Olivia said quietly, her eyes on the floor, unwilling to meet her colleagues' stares.

Cragen leaned toward her, pulling his hands from his pockets, concern edging deeper into the wrinkles on his forehead. "What?" he asked.

Olivia looked up at him. "Alex. She saw her attacker. She saw Chandler."

Liz darted a hand out to Olivia's forearm, turning the detective towards her, alarmed. "She saw his face?" Olivia nodded, meeting the Bureau Chief's stare. "Jesus," Liz said under her breath, her mind already reeling toward the moment when Alex would have to face her attacker again. "She's the only victim that can ID him." She focused on Olivia, her eyes flashing. "I can't have our entire prosecution rest on Alex's ID," she said, realizing as the words slipped from her lips that she was not only thinking of the case, but of the pressure it would place on the already vulnerable blonde. "Get me something else," she said, her meaning not lost on Olivia.

Cragen looked at his team of detectives, orders readying on his tongue. "Bring him in, and search his place, you leave no hard drive, no wall panel unturned, you got me?"

Olivia nodded before turned to Liz. "You'll stay with her?" she asked, already seeing the answer reflected back at her in the older woman's eyes. Olivia turned to follow Elliot, willing her mind to focus on the upcoming search. Before they had gone more than a couple of yards, the double doors leading from the waiting room into the hallway burst open, and a frazzled couple shuffled clumsily inside. The man, tall, thin, his gray hair still piled youthfully upon his head despite his age, had a hand upon the woman's back, her small frame practically jogging to keep up with him. Olivia caught the man's panicked gaze, his blue eyes distractedly meeting hers as the couple stopped abruptly in front of Liz and Cragen.

"Liz," the man said, breathless, "where is she?" His hand stayed on the small of his wife's back as she put a shaking hand to her chest, her eyes red-rimmed behind a pair of tortoise-shell eyeglasses. Liz put a hand on the man's forearm, a paltry attempt to calm his distress. "Bill, she's stable," Liz responded, and the identity of the couple registered with Olivia. Alex's Aunt and Uncle, Bill and Helen Hermann. "She's sedated, but she'll be fine," Liz continued. She pressed another assuring hand on the man's wife. "Helen, she'll be all right," she said as the woman ran a shaky hand through her blonde-gray hair.

"What happened?" Helen asked.

Liz swallowed. "Alex was assaulted last night." Olivia stood, watching, waiting for Liz to say the rest of it. That Alex had been raped and assaulted in the detective's very own apartment, a place where she should have been completely safe, but Liz said nothing else, instead pressing a steadying hand to Helen Cabot's shoulder.

"Oh Jesus," Bill whispered, his head lowering. "She's going to be all right?"

Liz gestured towards Alex's door. "She's sleeping, but you can see her." She watched as Cragen respectfully opened the door for the couple, giving Bill a comforting pat on his back as he ushered them inside. Liz glanced back at Olivia, giving her a heartening nod. "Go," she said. "I'll handle this," she assured her. "Just do your job."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat, turning her head away from the room, guilt surging through her body as she followed Elliot down the hallway, taking a begrudging comfort in turning her thoughts toward the search for Chandler.

* * *

><p>Elliot pulled up along the curb in front of Chandler's shabby apartment building and snuck a glance at his partner, who had been silent for most of the ride. He understood her desire to be a part of the search, knowing the useless feeling that came from sitting for hours upon hours in the sterile hospital. Still, that didn't mean he didn't harbor some concern for her regarding the investigation, his mind reeling back to the times when Olivia had become attached to cases, her own desire to ensure justice for the victims winning over concerns for her own safety. "Liv," he began, but his partner flashed him an angry glare.<p>

"Elliot, don't," she said, already picking up on his thoughts. "You know better than anyone that all I want to do right now is catch this bastard. Don't come at me with anything other than police business right now." Her voice was vehement as she supplied, "I can't handle anything else."

He nodded, a look of empathy passing through his eyes. "I'll let you take the lead," he said, motioning towards the apartment building. Olivia passed him a quick look of gratitude before exiting the vehicle, turning towards the two cruisers that had pulled up behind them. "Okay," she said to the officers as the climbed out of the police cars, looking at her and waiting for directions. One carried a one-man battering ram in his hand. "We give him two chances to open up the door, then we open it up for him, upon my signal, got it?" she said authoritatively, easing into the job at hand. She motioned for the crew to follow her as she walked inside, immediately heading for the next floor, having watched Chandler through his second-story window for hours from her own car.

The team stopped outside of a battered, faded green door, Olivia raising her hand and pounding her fist against it. "Open up, NYPD!" she yelled. A neighbor curiously popped his head out of a door a few yards down the hallway, gawking as his robe hung open off his body. Olivia knocked again, waiting for a silent moment before stepping away from the door and motioning to the police officer with the ram. He heaved it against the door once, the wood bowing in slightly, then pummeled it once again, this splintering the lock from the door jam. Elliot and Olivia were immediately inside the apartment, their weapons drawn in front of them. Olivia inched further inside, her gun leading the way as she rounded a corner into a small, cluttered bedroom. Empty. She kept her weapon raised to her head as she glanced at Elliot, who came from the kitchen. He shook his head at her. "Clear," he yelled, motioning for the three police officers to come inside.

Olivia spoke loudly, her voice commanding. "Turn everything inside out," she said, holstering her weapon. "I want every nook and cranny of this shit hole exposed. We're looking for masks, blunt weapons, pictures, newspaper clippings, computers, hard drives, you name it, I want it. Let's get to work." She glanced back at Elliot as she headed toward the bedroom. She began with a small wooden dresser, reaching in and ruffling through clothes, checking pockets, finding nothing of substance. She moved down to her hands and knees, her eyes grazing the space underneath the bed, her rubber gloves coming up only with dust. Raising back to her feet, she gave the mattress a quick lift, checking briefly underneath it before pulling it halfway off the frame. She pulled a small knife from her holster and ran it along the bottom of the mattress, pulling the rip wider as she peered inside. Nothing. She moved onto the wall, yanking down a framed photo of a small lake, a boat perching near a dock in the foreground. Olivia's hands ripped the matting from the back, fumbling the photo as a small, square envelope fell from the back of it. She dropped the frame, heard it clatter against the hardwood floor as she opened the envelope, pulling out a small, silver key. "Elliot," she called, walking towards the bedroom door as her partnered appeared.

Elliot squinted as she held up the key, placing it in his gloved hand. "Too small to be a door key, or a car key," he said thoughtfully, holding it up by two fingers.

Olivia nodded. "Some sort of lockbox, maybe, like a safety deposit box?"

Elliot shrugged, slipping the key into a plastic bag before labeling it with a black felt marker. "Add it to the list of shit to figure out," he said.

Olivia shook her head, slamming a fist into the wall. "We need to find _him_. Chances are he's in the car and whatever's going to convict him is in that car along with him."

Elliot sighed, nodding his head. "Until then," he said, tossing the bag back at her. "Let's tear this dump apart."

* * *

><p>Olivia sat in Alex's room, perched on the straight-backed chair next to the bed. Her eyes were drooping heavily, her lack of sleep physically weighing her down. Still, her mind was piqued, both by the coffee she had consumed a half hour earlier, and by the lack of evidence she's been able to recover at Chandler's apartment. Her grief was only exacerbated each time she looked down at Alex's marred body. The attorney had woken up several times throughout the evening, but never for more than a few minutes at a time, the nurses continually pumping her with sedatives. Olivia relished the few moments she had to look into the blonde's clear blue eyes, which had shown some comfort at seeing Olivia next to her. Still, she felt blame pressing into her chest as she watched the pain return, muddling the Alex's features. It actually caused her to welcome the drowsiness that overtook the blonde, if only so didn't have to watch the fear slowly pool in her eyes. Olivia glanced at her watch, noting that it was past 9:30; Elliot had dropped her back at the precinct only two hours ago, after retrieving another change of clothes for her from her apartment. Olivia had convinced Liz to accompany the Hermanns to the hospital cafeteria, the Bureau Chief only acquiescing after the detective promised to eat whatever she brought back for her.<p>

Olivia looked up as the door to the room opened and Helen Hermann shuffled quietly inside, her small frame moving soundlessly towards the bed. She pushed a strand of graying-blonde hair away from her face, and extended a small Styrofoam container towards Olivia. "Just a salad," she said simply. "You need to eat something, dear."

Olivia accepted the food, nodding her thanks at the older woman, who perched over Alex, monitoring the sleeping form. "Did she wake at all while we were gone?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, nothing."

Helen Cabot nodded. "I suppose that's for the best at this point." She peered down at the blonde's feet, and brushed the thin hospital blanket away, revealing a small white splint that stretched from her foot to midway up the her calf. She grabbed a small pillow that wasn't being used, and propped it gently under the foot, elevating it slightly. Olivia watched as Helen returned her attention to Alex's shoulder, moving the hospital gown slightly, exposing a black shoulder splint that encased her injured arm. "When's the last time they iced her shoulder?" she asked.

Olivia shrugged. "They haven't since I've been here. In what, two hours?" She couldn't remember when Elliot had dropped her back off at the hospital, she only registered that the sun had just started to set, reminding her that almost twenty-four hours had passed and they still hadn't found Chandler. She pulled herself from her thoughts, glancing at Helen, who had turned her attention to the IV that stood next to Alex's bed. "Are you a doctor?" she asked, gingerly opening the container that sat on her lap.

Helen nodded, turning back toward the detective. "Retired. Orthopedics. Needless to say, I know a little about treating broken bones." She gave Olivia a small smile and took a seat in a second chair, which sat on the other side of Alex's bed. She nodded down at the container that Olivia still held, gesturing toward the limp greens. "That's the best they had downstairs. You may not have much of an appetite, but humor me a little."

Olivia nodded, stabbing a few pieces of lettuce with a fork. She took a small bite, the salad bitter on her tongue. She swallowed, then said, "Thank you, Dr. Hermann."

Helen tossed a hand at her, chagrinned by the title. "Call me Helen." She paused for a long moment, gazing down at Alex before glancing back at Olivia. "How long have you been a detective?"

Olivia swallowed another bite, looking up at the woman as she answered. "For about twelve years."

Helen nodded. "I'm sure you've seen it all," she said, sighing softly, rubbing a gentle hand over Alex's arm. She looked pointedly up at Olivia. "Still, that doesn't compare to seeing a partner go through something like this."

Olivia looked up at the woman, her fork hovering above her salad. She caught Helen's meaningful stare, then shook her head. "No, it doesn't," she agreed, her voice barely above a whisper, her eyes unable to look down at Alex.

Helen gazed at her, studying the brunette, her mind drifting back toward Liz's words earlier at dinner, her friend's approval of the quiet, empathetic detective. She saw Olivia's shoulders hunch forward, the rings under her eyes indicating exhaustion. "Olivia, no one will question your love for my niece if you let yourself get some sleep," she said. "You can't keep this up without some rest." She stood, putting her hands on her hips. "Let me see about getting you a cot up here," she said, turning towards the door.

Olivia looked up at her, once again nodding her thanks. "Helen, thank you for… all of this," she said.

Helen gave her a reassuring nod before turning towards the door. Olivia set the salad down on a nearby table and leaned once again over Alex, whose eyes had finally stopped fluttering underneath her closed lids. "Sweetie," she said, her voice soft against the blonde's temple as she pecked a light kiss against her forehead. "You've got a lot of people here who love you and who are pulling for you. That's all that matters, right?" she said, her voice cracking slightly. She ran a fingertip over Alex's relaxed brow, then down the uninjured side of her jaw. She laid her head gently down on the bed next to Alex, the blonde's steady breathing finally lulling the detective into a restless sleep.

* * *

><p>Bill Hermann paced slowly up and down the hallway, his arms crossed over his chest, attempting to reign in his anger as he gazed at Liz, who stood against the wall. "They found nothing?" he asked, attempting to keep his voice low, despite the outrage that plagued his features. "Nothing in the whole goddamn apartment?"<p>

Liz pushed herself off the wall and paced away from him, her voice level as her mind still reeled from the less than lucrative search. "They found a key, Bill, which I'm sure will lead to something. And we don't have the results yet from the laptop."

"We've got the whole NYPD looking for him," he said, shaking his head. "Chances are he's fled New York by now, Liz."

Liz nodded, turning to face him, understanding his frustration. "And the detectives have notified the bordering precincts, Bill. Bus stations, trains, you name it, they've got surveillance on it. He's probably holed up in some abandoned building."

"Not enough," he snapped. "Not nearly good enough, Liz." He stabbed a finger toward Alex's room, where Olivia had been stationed for the past several hours, keeping watch over Alex. "Instead of sitting in that room, maybe that detective should be out _there_," he pointed toward the exit, "looking for the guy that _raped_ my niece - "

"Shut up, Bill," Liz hissed vehemently, reeling on him and pointing a finger into his chest. "You don't get to say that," she berated him, her voice wavering as she felt exhaustion threaten to unwind her. "Olivia Benson is exactly where she needs to be right now and I will _not_ let you act like she's not also a victim here." She paused, surprised at her own outburst, her breath catching as she looked up at Alex's uncle, watching his expression crumple into pure grief.

"I'm sorry," he said, meeting Liz's eyes before pacing a few yards away from her, placing a hand against the white wall. He looked back at Liz, attempting to recover himself, heaving a sigh as he watched her slump into a chair by the door, retrieving her phone from her pocket, her fingers running nervously over the keys, checking her inbox. He walked over to her and heaved himself into the chair beside her. "I don't know where that came from," he said, devoting his anger to himself instead of to the detective that had sat by his niece, unmoving, for the past two and a half hours. He leaned back and glanced at Liz, whose fingers ran blindly across her phone pad, her head down.

"We're all on edge," Liz responded, not looking at him. "We're all fucking worried, Bill."

He fixed his gaze on the crown of her head, concerned not only for his niece, but for his friend and colleague as well. "Liz, I don't need to tell you that you need to excuse yourself from this case," he said, watching as she furiously pressed the keys to her Blackberry.

She shook her head. "No, Bill, you don't have to tell me that." She kept her eyes on her phone. "And you're probably right. But, I'm not letting anyone else handle this case," she said vehemently.

He nodded, anticipating her answer, wanting it even. Elizabeth Donnelly was one of the best lawyers he had ever worked with, and the thought of anyone else trying this case set him on edge. "Good," he said, returning his gaze to the wall in front of him. "If you need any help selling it to the DA, let me know." He sighed, his bowing. "If Alex is your only eyewitness who can attest to the identity of the perpetrator, Liz…" he said, trailing off.

Liz shook her head. "I know."

"You'll have to put her on the stand," Bill finished.

Liz shook her head again. "Not if I get a weapon or DNA connecting him to Alex and the other victims." She shook her head again, this time violently. "That's not the goddamn point right now, Bill," she spat, clearly angry with herself.

"I know," he said, nodding his head and placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Some deranged psychopath damn near beat her to death and I'm sitting out here worried about the case," she said, rage inching into her voice as she rocked herself forward in her chair. "Kathy and John would have never – "

Bill put up a hand to her shoulder, stopping her, his brow furrowed. "Don't go there, Liz," he warned, sympathy in his voice. "You're doing all you can do for her, you got that? I'm not going to let you question yourself."

Liz heaved an exhausted sigh, placing her head weakly against the wall behind her as she glanced up at Helen, who crept out of Alex's room. "Is she eating?" Liz asked, referring to Olivia knowing full well that the detective hadn't had a full meal in the last twenty-four hours.

"If she can manage to keep her eyes open until she finishes, yes," Helen responded. She glanced sternly at Liz, taking in the woman's disheveled appearance, her sunken eyes. "And what about you?"

Liz glanced up at her. "What about me? I'm fine."

"Let me at least go grab a change of clothes for you, Liz," Helen offered. "While I'm at it, I'll grab some things from Alex's."

Liz looked up at her, giving a tired nod. "That would be helpful," she said. She glanced from Helen over to Bill. "I'm glad you're here," she said softly as the older man stood, giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"We'll head over now, before Alex wakes up," he said. "Anything else you need from home?"

Liz shook her head, giving the couple a slight smile as they turned and walked quickly down the hallway, Bill's hand once again on the small of Helen's back. Liz exhaled, watching as a couple of nurses traversed the empty hallway, their words respectfully quiet as they spoke to one another. She rose, slowly, from her chair and quietly opened the door to Alex's room, slipping her head in before speaking. Olivia sat hunched over in a chair beside Alex's bed, her resting against the sheets, one hand lying limply on Alex's arm. Liz felt something move in her chest, a hard grief settling in the pit of her stomach, as she realized that Alex had only fought half the battle during her attack. She would need help from all of them in order to fight the rest of it.

* * *

><p><strong>Please review - as this isn't the happiest, lightest story to write, I do get some pleasure from at least hearing that you like it...<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

**Saturday, July 30**

"I need to make another change to my statement," Olivia said, her head bowed in concentration as she let her fork graze lazily over her lukewarm lasagna, which tasted as if it had been sitting in the hospital's cafeteria for at least a week. Elliot, who sat across from her, hungrily inhaling his own lasagna, glanced up at her.

"Liv, you've changed your statement at least three times in the past two days."

Olivia raised her head, looking at him. "I keep remembering things, Elliot." She tapped her fork lightly against her plate, the empty clink echoing into the subdued quiet of the late lunch crowd. "If I think hard enough, I can answer some of the million questions that are consistently running through my mind." She gave a sidelong glance at the elevator, which opened, spewing out a group of tired residents, who walked silently toward the cafeteria line. "Why was my window lock jammed?" she continued, giving Elliot an example. "I hadn't opened it. Or at least I don't think I did. But if I think hard enough, maybe I'll realize I _did _leave the goddamn window open." She sighed, taking out her frustration on her lasagna, stabbing it forcefully with her fork.

"And then you'll just use that as another reason to blame yourself." He leaned over the table, attempting to catch her eye, but the brown orbs stared down at her plate. "You can't do that, Olivia. We have to focus on what's in front of us. We know Chandler's our guy, we need to track him down. That's what's important."

His partner nodded, her gaze still downward. "I know," she said. "I keep waiting for a phone call, something, either from surrounding precincts, another state. It's like this guy disappeared. No one from the church or NOW has seen him."

Elliot shook his head. "Or they're just not telling us." He paused, taking another forkful of lasagna. "How's Alex today? I saw Liz at the precinct, she says she's awake more and more."

Olivia finally turned her gaze towards him. "She is. Cragen sent in Williams from CI to talk to her. She's been in and out for so long, this is the first time she's been lucid enough to provide a statement. She's upstairs now."

Elliot nodded, taking a sip of his water. "That's good," he said, studying his partner, knowing that she had wanted to be there for Alex during the process. "There's no way Alex would've wanted anyone from SVU to take her statement. Too close to home." He glanced at Olivia, noticing his partner's eyes darken, and he sighed. "Liv, it's hard enough to relive an assault, even harder with someone you love in the room listening to every word. You've got to let her regain some power here."

Olivia nodded, her partner's words only echoing her own thoughts, but still making them any easier to digest. "Yeah," she said, her eyes flicking quickly to her watch. It had been almost an hour since Detective Williams had walked into Alex's room, notepad in hand, ready for an official recount of the assault. Alex had looked devastatingly into Olivia's eyes as she asked her to leave, telling her that she wanted to give the statement alone. "I don't know if I'll be able to read it, Elliot."

Elliot put his fork down. "You don't have to, you know. Let Alex talk to you when she's ready." He slid his plate away from him, wiping his hands with a napkin. "There's no rulebook for this, Liv. And I'm here to help in any way possible. We can't change anything that's happened. What we can do is catch Chandler and put him away so that he never sees the light of day again."

Olivia exhaled, sliding her plate away from her, the thought of food turning her stomach. "What if she doesn't want my support, Elliot?" her thoughts once again returning to Alex, the way she had attempted to control the fear in her eyes as she prepared herself to talk to Williams. "She went through a traumatic event, who knows what she needs, if she needs anything from me?"

Elliot shook his head. "Olivia, trust me, Alex is going to need you to get through this." He peered closely at her. "And you're going to need her, okay?"

Olivia felt her eyes moisten, and she quickly blinked away any oncoming tears, clearing her throat and tossing her napkin on to her plate. "Right," she said, pushing her chair back away from the table. "I'm going to head on up and check on her, see if she's done with Williams, sit with her for awhile." She gave Elliot a pointed stare, more than willing to hand over the next task to him. "Why don't you follow me up and talk over her statement with Williams? We'll need to file it ASAP."

Elliot nodded, taking a last bite of his lunch. "I think that's a good idea," he said, rising from the table, watching his partner warily walk back towards the elevator.

* * *

><p>Alex lay her head back against her pillow as she watched Detective Williams exit the room, closing the door quietly behind her. She exhaled and attempted to steady her breathing. The detective had been more than patient, waiting quietly whenever Alex needed a moment to bring herself back to the present. Her ribs ached, her stomach muscles clenching repeatedly as she tried to prevent the nausea that threatened to overtake her as she described the attack. She closed her eyes, but the darkness sent her back to that night, and her lids flew open, focusing on the window in her room, the cup of water that sat next to her on her tray, anything to bring her back from that night. She heard the door open again, her chest relaxing as she caught site of Olivia. Her breathing calmed as the detective walked over to her, the brunette hair mussed on one side, her button-down wrinkled. Alex allowed herself to give as much of a smile as she could, and reached her hand out to the other woman.<p>

"Hi," she said, her fingers clasping the detective's hand.

Olivia looked down at her. "How are you doing?" she asked, her brow furrowed in concern as she gave Alex's hand a gentle squeeze.

Alex tried to make her smile. "I feel pretty popular," she said. "I've been visited by nurses, detectives, and a psychiatrist all within the last two hours." Her smile died on her lips as she assessed Olivia, her newfound lucidity allowing her to fully take in the exhaustion that ran over the detective's features. "Olivia," she said, running a hand up her arm, "you have to rest."

Olivia scoffed, finally allowing a small smile to escape her lips. "Alex, you're in no position to tell _me_ to rest."

"Why not?" she asked, "I've been sleeping for two days now." She watched as Olivia tried to give her another smile. "How are you doing?" she asked, reflecting the detective's question back at her.

Olivia let a moment pass before answering. "I'm worried," she said, her honesty surprising her.

Alex nodded. "Me too," she replied. "I guess that means we're normal." She paused, watching her girlfriend's eyes trace the bruises along her face, the cut that had scabbed over on her lip. Alex cleared her throat. "You know, it's a better view from over here," she said, indicating her left side, wanting the concerned eyes off her injured face.

Olivia's eyes darted back to Alex's, embarrassed. "I'm sorry," she began, but Alex raised a hand to stop her.

"Never mind," the blonde said, resting her head back on her pillow, her eyes closing for a brief moment. Silence drifted around them before Olivia spoke again.

"How did the statement go?" she asked.

Alex nodded, opening her eyes and looking briefly up at Olivia. "Fine." She paused, letting a moment pass as she studied Olivia's face, trying to determine whether she saw hurt in the brown eyes. "I couldn't have anyone else in here," she said, feeling the need to explain herself. "I'm not ready for that," she said, exhaling.

Olivia nodded fiercely, giving Alex's hand another squeeze. "Alex, that's fine," she said, her hand rubbing gently across the blonde's arm.

Alex swallowed, turning her gaze toward the window. "I know you'll go through it with a fine-tooth comb, anyway."

Olivia blinked, unable to read the attorney's words, her blank expression, and unsure of how to respond. Alex shifted before the brunette could speak, shaking her head slightly, frustration masking her face. "I'm sorry," she said. "This place has me on edge. I just want to go home." She looked up at Olivia, concerned. "Have you been home?" she asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No. Elliot's been bringing me things – I can't – I can't think about going back there right now."

Alex nodded, knowing that Olivia wouldn't be going back to that apartment anytime soon, and also noting the fear that welled into her stomach at the thought of the place. "Olivia," she said, "Stay with me. I don't want you going back to your apartment. What if he – " She couldn't finish, feeling her voice catch in her throat. Olivia placed a light touch on the blonde's fingers. "Alex, he's not going to hurt anyone else. We've got your ID, we're tracking him down as we speak, and we'll make sure he gets exactly what he deserves."

"But you'll stay with me," Alex stated firmly. "I'm not letting you stay at that apartment." She felt an invisible shudder travel through her. She let the comment hang in the air, only about to speak when a small knock sounded at the door and a nurse poked her head inside. "Hi Alex," she greeted, stepping softly inside the room. She noticed Olivia and gave her a small nod. "Hello Ms. Benson," she said.

"Hi Anita," Alex responded flatly, already used to the consistent interruptions and the steady check-ins by the nursing staff.

Anita glanced at Alex before giving a quick look at Olivia, who smiled back at her. "I just need to change some of your bandages, honey," she said, coming closer to the blonde. The tensing of Alex's jaw was not lost on the nurse, or on Olivia, who felt the attorney's hand go rigid beneath her fingers. She looked down at Alex, her eyes questioning. Alex nodded her head toward the nurse, relaxing her body. "Okay," she said softly, her eyes looking up at Olivia.

Olivia recognized the gaze from earlier, when Alex had been afraid to ask her to leave during her talk with Williams. The nurse helped her, giving the detective a quick glance. "Ms. Benson, do you mind waiting outside for a moment? It won't take me long at all."

Olivia shook her head automatically, her eyes looking down at Alex's, finding relief in them, along with a small flash of guilt. "Of course not," she said, understanding that Alex's injuries went right along with talking about the assault; everything was a reminder that she had been a victim. "I'll be right outside." She squeezed Alex's hand before turning and walking out the door, closing it silently behind her.

Alex watched Olivia leave, only glancing up at the nurse once the door had closed.

"It's okay to ask for some privacy," she said, walking over to the sink and washing her hands. Alex nodded, flipping her head back to her pillow. "Did Dr. Hammond share any good news with you today, Anita? Any word on me being released?"

The nurse looked at her, already used to fielding Alex's continuing question, which had been asked relentlessly since she'd been awake. "More than likely before the weekend's up," she replied, walking back over toward the bed. "Okay," she said. "Do you mind lifting your gown down for me, honey, so that I can change those bandages?"

Alex nodded, pushing her gown down and holding it just below her breast. She winced as the woman brushed an alcohol-soaked cloth against the stitches, but kept her gaze straight ahead. She had looked at her wounds only once, the three separate hash marks consistently in her thoughts, flashing through her dreams. She held her breath as Anita re-dressed them, lightly taping the gauze back onto her chest.

"Alex, is it all right with you if we clean the wound on your thigh?"

Alex's eyes flashed up at her quickly, registering the gentleness in the nurse's tone, the careful way she phrased her questions. "You don't have to patronize me, Anita," she said, allowing the anger to briefly triumph over her fear. "I'm not a victim." The nurse nodded silently down at her, agreeable, and Alex felt guilt rise in her throat. "Yes," she said, pulling her gown up slightly, giving the nurse access to her thigh, her breath shallow as she felt the woman swab the stitches with alcohol, repeating her earlier ministrations. "Okay," she said, leaning away from the attorney and disposing of her bandages. "Thank you, honey." She walked back over to the bed, looking down at Alex. "Based on what Dr. Hammond said after her examination this morning, it looks like you'll be on your way out of here tomorrow. Whose your caretaker going to be when you get home?"

Alex nodded toward the door. "Olivia."

The nurse followed her gaze. "All right, I'll go over some things with the two of you. You're not out of the woods yet, Alex, you still have a lot of recovering to do." She gave her a light pat on the arm as she turned toward the door.

"Don't I know it," Alex responded softly.

Anita turned back to her, and patted her arm gently. "And Alex," she said, her eyes staring deeply into the attorney's, "I know you're not a victim." She turned, calling out behind her, "I'll send Olivia back in. I know she hasn't moved two feet from that door." True to the nurse's words, Olivia stood just outside of the door. The nurse gave Alex a knowing glance as she exited, holding the door open as Olivia slid back into the room. Alex gave a small smile as the detective walked over, reaching a hand out to her.

"Hey," she said, taking Olivia's hand. "We're going home."

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday, July 31<strong>

Alex fumbled with her keys, leaning on the crutch she was using to alleviate the pressure on her ankle. Olivia leaned in behind her, her hands ready to assist, but the attorney quickly brushed her hand away. "I got it," she said emphatically, wincing as she felt her shoulder pull. She managed to twist the key in the lock and pushed the door open, exhaling as she caught sight of her own familiar entry hallway, a pair of her heels still resting haphazardly on the floor from where she had flung them off the week before. Alex inhaled as she took a ginger step forward, familiar sights, scents and sounds swirling around her as her mind tried to register her surroundings as "home." Olivia closed the door behind her, gently stepping around Alex and placing a couple of bags on top of a small hall table. She extended an arm toward Alex, but the blonde limped past her, giving her a reassuring nod. "I got it," she repeated.

Olivia begrudgingly let her pass, watching as the attorney worked her way through the living room, down the back hallway, poking her head into the various rooms, as if she were inspecting the apartment, making sure it was exactly as she had left it. Alex limped back to the living room and slumped onto the couch, sighing heavily. "Home sweet home," she said, irony steeping in her tone.

Olivia walked over and took a seat next to her. "Can I get you anything? Are you hungry?"

Alex shook her head, looking over at the detective. "You can just sit with me," she said simply.

Olivia nodded and placed a hand on Alex's knee, silently gracious that she didn't feel her flinch at her touch. She felt Alex place a heavy head on her shoulder, several loose strands of hair grazing Olivia's neck as she said softly, "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Just sit here," Olivia said, her hand reassuringly continuing to brush the attorney's knee. She glanced down at her foot. "And put your ankle up," she said, reaching for a pillow and placing it on to the coffee table in front of them, gingerly moving to lift Alex's still swollen leg. "Want me to take the boot off?" she asked, her fingers already moving toward the Velcro straps.

Alex's hand moved quickly, pulling Olivia back. "I can do it," she said again, the same urgent tone in her voice.

Olivia leaned back, caught off guard by the attorney's repeated assurances. "Okay," she said gently, more than familiar with the blonde's stubbornness, but she didn't hear that in Alex's voice, instead hearing a frustrated desperation. Alex's cell phone rang, buzzing loudly in one of the bags. She let her head dip back against the couch pillow as Olivia rose, retrieving the phone and glancing down at the screen.

"It's Liz, isn't it?" Alex asked.

Olivia nodded as she placed the phone against her ear. "Hey Liz, it's Olivia." She paused. "Yeah, we're home, safe and sound." She nodded into the device. "Of course, Liz, I will. No, Liz, you don't have to do that - " She cut herself off as looked at her phone, realizing the older woman had already hung up. She glanced over at Alex, who peered vacantly out of the living room window. "Liz is dropping over some dinner."

Alex shrugged herself out of her reverie, and turned her attention back to Olivia, her eyes narrowing. "She doesn't need to bring dinner," she said, and Olivia could almost hear her next words before she said them. "I can do it."

* * *

><p><em>Olivia, I'm going to take a stab at the Church again. They run a couple of shelters, one in Queens and one in Brooklyn. It's worth a shot taking a look at them, see if Chandler used them to hide out a couple of nights or something. I'll let you know what I find.<em>

Olivia nodded into her phone as Elliot's voicemail ended, wondering how she'd managed to ignore her phone for the past two hours. She remembered Alex's breath had deepened and the attorney had fallen into a fretful slumber, her head still resting on Olivia's shoulder. It hadn't taken long for the detective to drift off as well, only awakening as she felt Alex's head thrash lightly against her arm, a nightmare clearly overtaking her. Olivia pressed her hand to Alex's arm, softly calling her name, attempting to wake her, startling as the woman lashed out at her, jerking away from her touch and flinching as her injured shoulder hit the back of the couch. The silence in the apartment was overwhelming as both women fought to control their breathing, fear overtaking both of them, although for different reasons. Olivia shook herself out of the memory, gaining some comfort from focusing her attention on her partner's developments. The thought of Chandler hiding out under the guise of the church where she initially met him made her skin crawl. She stared for a moment out of Alex's office window, her thoughts spiraling, until she heard the doorbell. She walked out of the office and through the living room, noticing that Alex was already limping toward the door, her crutch underneath her left shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing walking around?" Liz reprimanded as she walked inside, two large grocery bags in her hands.

"I'm not walking around for the hell of it Liz, I just answered the door."

Olivia walked over to Liz and grabbed the bags from her hands. "Let me help you, Liz," she said, walking them into the kitchen as Liz plastered a reproachful grimace onto Alex.

"Liz, don't look at me like that, or you won't get a thank you for bringing over all this food." Alex slumped onto the barstool at her counter and watched Olivia as she put things neatly away. "It looks a hell of a lot better than hospital food," she said, although she didn't have much of an appetite.

Liz moved into the kitchen and began to sort through some of the food that Olivia had left on the counter. She pushed the sleeves of her shirt up her arms, glancing up at the detective. "Olivia, when's the last time you ate?" she asked.

Olivia turned toward her, glancing from Liz to Alex. The last time she remembered eating anything substantial had been the lasagna at the hospital. Liz nodded at her, taking her silence for an answer. "That's what I thought," she said. "You two go occupy yourselves. I'll handle dinner, then I'll be out of your hair." She gestured toward the living room.

Olivia glanced at Alex and the attorney shrugged, rolling her eyes at Liz. "I've tried arguing with her many a time, Olivia. It doesn't work."

"That sounds familiar," Olivia said, sending a pointed grin toward Alex. The blonde pursed her lips, forcing a slight smile onto her face as she glanced around her kitchen. Her gaze focused on a plant in the corner, its leaves wilting slightly. "Shit, the plants," she said, propping her crutch under her arm and raising herself from the stool. "I need to water them."

Olivia was already moving toward the plant, grabbing a bowl and filling it in the sink. Alex gestured for her to stop. "Olivia, I'll get it," she said.

Liz gazed upwards and gave Alex a determined glare. "Olivia will get it, Alex." She glanced back down at the zucchini she was slicing, then brought her eyes back up to the attorney's. "Sit," she commanded.

Olivia watched as Alex reluctantly sat, narrowing her eyes at the older woman. The detective felt her phone buzz at her hip and placed the bowl of water carefully onto the counter before putting her phone to her ear, recognizing her partner's name flashing on the screen. "Elliot?" Her face furrowed, and she turned away from the other two women, her eyes focusing on the backsplash of Alex's stove. "I'll be right there." She holstered her phone at her hip, her breath rising in her chest.

Alex watched Olivia's back, saw her muscles tense underneath her shirt. "Olivia?" she asked. "What is it?"

Olivia turned back to the two blonde women as they stared at her. "That was Elliot. He got a lead on Chandler. He's in Queens." She was already moving towards the living room, reaching for her badge and wallet. Alex limped off of the barstool, grabbing her wrist as she passed. "Olivia, can't you let them bring him in? Can't Elliot grab him?"

Olivia looked at her, seeing the fear in the blonde's eyes as her grip tensed around her wrist. "Alex, I will be fine, I promise. I want to catch this bastard with my own hands."

Alex attempted to fight the panic down that welled in her chest, knowing that it was unwarranted, and that Olivia was perfectly capable of tracking down a perp, which she had done a million times during her career. Still, she wanted the detective nowhere near Chandler, she preferred Olivia to stay with her, safe, in the apartment. She pinned her gaze on Olivia and was almost ashamed by the fear that closed her throat. She felt the detective give her hand a squeeze before moving a hand to her uninjured jaw, her brown eyes meeting her own. "Alex," she said, "I have to do this, and I promise you I will be fine."

"Call me the minute you have him," Alex said, trying regain control of her emotions, reigning in her fear. She steadied her gaze on Olivia, her eyes becoming clear. "If you find him," she said, almost to herself as if she had just thought of it, "I have to identify him."

Olivia shook her head. "Alex, don't think about that yet, okay? We'll cross that road together when we get there, got it?" She watched as Alex nodded, pursing her lips. Olivia looked quickly at Liz, who nodded back at her, giving a cautionary glance at Alex.

"We'll be fine," Liz assured her. "We'll save you some dinner."

Olivia turned her gaze back to Alex, who slumped back on the barstool, sitting stiffly. "Go," she said, her blue eyes clear and flat. "I'll be fine." She watched as the detective walked towards the door, her own words echoing in her mind.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for all the consistent reviews!<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**As usual, I'll beg for your feedback ;)**

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><p>Olivia pulled up to a small brick building, her tires screeching against the curb. The sign out front was mostly hidden beneath a tumbling trail of green ivy, but Olivia was able to make out "Faith through Crisis" through the disparate vines. She hopped out of her car, walking towards the side of the building, not yet wanting to blow her cover in case Chandler wasn't already inside the building. She saw Elliot about halfway down the block, his head bent down towards a local police officer. He glanced up as Olivia came closer, giving a quick nod to the both of them. "He's staying at a shelter?" she asked them, her eyebrows raised.<p>

The police officer nodded, and Olivia caught a glimpse of his name badge: Barardi. "We think so," he replied. "The shelter's only open three days a week, mainly to give people a hot meal and a place to stay. We got word from another officer who does some security work here on the side that he may have seen your guy here. He called us, and that's when we notified you guys."

Olivia nodded, her eyes already moving toward the shelter. "And he didn't let on that he recognized him, correct? We don't need to risk a flight case here."

The officer shook his head, letting out a small, but perturbed chuckle. "Come on, Detective, we know better than that. Your guy's still inside. Dan ain't seen anybody leave tonight."

Olivia slowly nodded. "Have we searched a radius for the car yet?"

"They're on it," Elliot responded. "Officers are searching for it as we speak." His brow creased, concern flitting across his features. "Although if he's making it at homeless shelters, chances are slight that he's driving the car around."

Olivia looked at him, putting her hands on her hips as she gave a slight nod. "You're probably right, but I'm sure as hell not taking any chances." She glanced back at the building before looking back at Barardi. "Chandler's already more than familiar with the two of us," she said, gesturing between herself and Elliot. "Get a plain clothes officer over here to make the grab inside. We'll post up at the exits in case there's a chase." She looked over at Elliot, judging his response, knowing that he'd more than likely concocted a similar plan in his head already. He gave her an assuring wink.

Barardi nodded, already lifting his radio to his lips. "Give me two minutes," he said, walking a few yards away from them, issuing commands into the gadget.

Elliot looked down at Olivia, closing the gap between them as he spoke. "How you feeling?" he asked.

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, her eyes assessing the brick shelter down the street. "I feel like you're going to need to hold me back when we catch this fucker," she said, looking back at him, adrenaline flashing through her eyes.

Elliot nodded, giving her a small smirk. "I'll hold you back," he said, his eyes following her gaze. "Eventually."

* * *

><p>Liz stood in Alex's office, her cell phone dangling in her hand, which hung limply by her side. She gazed over the room, at the pullout couch, which was covered in manila folders and sheafs of paper, spillover from the attorney's swamped desk, which sat against the window. The room had been just as Alex had left it, a reminder of her life's worries and preoccupations only a week earlier. Liz exhaled, giving one last look at the room before walking back down the hallway and through the living room, not surprised to see that Alex had stubbornly sat the table and plated the food while Liz had been on the phone. The blonde sat at the table, staring back at her.<p>

"Bon appétit," she said, her hand gesturing toward the plates in front of her.

Liz tossed her cell phone onto the bar, giving Alex a stern glare as she sat down. "You need to stay off that ankle," she said, ignoring the sardonic grin that Alex gave her.

"I can't just sit around and do nothing." Her eyes darted towards Liz's phone. "Who was that?"

"You'll be limping around in pain a lot longer if you don't let it heal properly," Liz admonished, ignoring Alex's question. "You're so goddamned stubborn sometimes, Alex." She stuffed a bite of zucchini in her mouth.

"I'm not the only one being stubborn right now," Alex said, not lifting her fork, her hands still pressed beside her plate. "Were you talking to Cragen?" she asked, her tone more firm.

Liz didn't look at her, and instead stabbed another bite of squash with her fork, willing the nausea that arose in her stomach to cease. Alex spoke again, pressing her.

"Are you going to tell me anything, Liz, or are you going to continue treating me like a child you need to protect?"

Liz brought her gaze up to meet the younger blonde's, whose fierce eyes blazed towards her, showing anything but fear. She opened up her mouth to speak, not sure of the words that would spill out of her mouth, knowing that Alex would be content with nothing short of the truth. Instead, Alex spoke for her.

"You were talking with Cragen," she said, her voice accusatory, her lip curling in frustration. "Tell me what's going on, Liz. I never expected you, of all people, to treat me like a victim."

Liz balked at the comment, struck silent by the truth behind Alex's words. She attempted to deny the accusation, but the words died on her lips, her own desire to protect the attorney morphing into a wish to shelter her from any and all developments in the case. She looked at Alex, meeting her hard stare, hoping that her own eyes expressed the kind concern that drove her actions. "That was Don, yes. Elliot and Olivia have confirmation that Chandler was at a homeless shelter in Queens, attempting to hide out. The shelter's run by the Christian Faith Church, the same church that houses the Manhattan chapter of NOW, which is probably why he headed there. They're preparing to make the grab, and hoping that Chandler's vehicle is nearby. Don will give us a call as soon as he's picked up."

Alex nodded, chewing lightly on her bottom lip as she digested the new information. She picked up her fork and twirled it slowly through the food on her plate, creating a small valley through her zucchini. "That's all I wanted to know," she said, her voice level. She picked up a bite of food, not hungry, afraid bile would rise in her throat as soon as her tongue tasted it, but she wanted to prove to Liz that she was able to hear updates on her own case.

Liz watched her chew, but laid down her own fork, her hands nervously grazing the table top. "When they pick him up, we'll need to go over to the precinct – "

Alex cut her off. "I know, I'll need to identify him."

Liz nodded slowly, watching the blonde's reaction, the way she gingerly held her fork, the way her eyes looked at her food as if it were her own enemy. "First thing tomorrow," she said.

Alex shook her head, stuffing another bite of food into her mouth. "I can't wait to point my finger at him, and set his descent in motion." She looked up at Liz as she chewed, and knew that the older woman could see right through her. She felt as if Liz could hear the thumping of her heart, but she kept eating, chewing food that lay tastelessly on her tongue, happy that for the moment Liz was her conspirator, allowing her to feel as if she were in control.

* * *

><p>Olivia stood outside the side exit door, waiting, her ears perked, listening for footsteps behind the metal door. She glanced back down the alley towards the street, where another plainclothes officer milled about under a yellow streetlamp, pretending to be casual. Olivia steadied her breathing as she waited, staring down at the gravel below her feet and trying desperately to keep her mind from straying from the task at hand. She had been waiting for about five minutes, each threatening to send her down a violent spiral of memory, where all she saw was Alex's still, naked form on her bed. Then her mind rushed forward, fear tightening her chest as she wondered how Alex would need her, how she could need her, after enduring an assault meant that was meant for the detective herself.<p>

She heard the heavy sounds of footsteps within the building, the noise pulling her out of her head as the door burst open, spewing forth a tall, thin form, which rushed clumsily out of it, stumbling as he tried to speed up his pace. Olivia was after him in a second, her speed allowing her to catch up to him almost immediately. She pounced quickly, bringing him to the ground, her body crashing on top of his. She recognized the close cut hair, the back of Chandler's head. Before she rolled off of him, she heard feet running towards them, and knew Elliot and the plainclothes officer were right behind her. She exhaled, her eyes boring into the back of his head as he struggled to turn towards her, the streetlamp illuminating the green of one eye. She watched anger morph into a sadistic satisfaction as his body relaxed, and she jumped off of him.

"Raymond Chandler," she said, reaching to her belt for her handcuffs, painfully wrenching his hands behind him as she pushed his chest back towards the ground, "You're under arrest." She pulled him up roughly, bringing him unsteadily to his feet.

The plainclothes officer spoke. "I'm going to grab Barardi from inside, tell him we got him," he said, walking back up the alley.

Olivia dragged Chandler over to the wall, pushing him against it, hearing a small, satisfying clunk as his head hit the brick. She continued to read him his rights as Chandler stared at her, his green gaze taking in every facet of her features, running across her face. He spoke suddenly, spewing the words to the Miranda warning along with her as she said, "… right to an attorney…" He spoke above her, sneering as he stated, "Is Alexandra Cabot available?" Olivia felt her gut clench and her fist fired into Chandler's abdomen, knocking the breath from him and sending him to the ground. She bent over him as he wheezed, his eyes plastered onto hers, not giving an inch.

"I'm going to enjoy making sure that you _never_ touch another woman," she hissed, resisting the urge to smash her fist against his jaw. Instead, she rose to her feet, staring down at him. She felt Elliot behind her, felt his adrenaline as he watched his partner, wondering how far she would go.

"Get up," she said, planting her feet. She watched as he continued to breathe heavily, the rise and fall of his chest merely mirroring her own as she forced herself to maintain her composure, which she was very close to losing. "Get up!" she yelled again.

Chandler struggled to right himself, grimacing in pain from the earlier kick as he raised himself to his knees. He slowly put one foot underneath him, then the other, wobbly standing in front of her, his chest still heaving. Olivia grabbed him by the arm and pushed him forward toward the squad car. A fellow officer opened the backseat of a nearby cruiser and she shoved him roughly inside, pushing the door closed behind him.

She turned, walking toward Elliot, who stood just outside of the shelter with Officer Barardi. She caught the tail end of the officer's sentence, the shake of his head. "His car ain't around here," he said. "We searched a ten-block radius, and nothing."

Olivia glanced at Elliot, her own disappointment reflected in his narrowed eyes. He exhaled, then took another look at his partner before speaking. "Thanks, Officer," he said, giving Barardi a pat on the shoulder. He looked at Olivia. "Unfortunately, we got a lot of work in front of us."

The two detectives walked back toward the car, Elliot glancing back at his partner, who walked with a slowed gait. "Liv, I'll meet you at the station?" he asked. "Or do you want to head home to Alex?"

Olivia looked up at him, the fury flashing in her eyes. "I'm not going home until we book him and make sure his ass is in jail," she said, her lip curled in a sneer. "I'll see you at the precinct, Elliot."

* * *

><p>Liz leaned over in her chair and stroked a hand across a sleeping Alex's hair, pushing a few blonde wisps out of her face. She winced slightly as her fingertips barely touched the bruises that still marred the attorney's jaw, hoping that her movements didn't rouse her out of a hard won slumber. The television was on low, some documentary on the women's rights movement that Liz had turned on simply so Alex would fall asleep. As hard as she'd tried, Liz couldn't make her take a sleeping pill, Alex steadfastly refusing, her eyes flashing with a blunt anger. Despite Liz's protestations, she had been grateful to see the familiar stubbornness still within Alex.<p>

She heard Olivia's key turn in the lock, and a second later saw the detective walk through the short entryway. Her eyes darted immediately toward Alex, and Liz saw a look of relief pass through her eyes when she saw that the attorney was sleeping. Olivia gave a small smile to Liz as the older woman stood from her chair and followed Olivia into the kitchen. "I left you something to eat," she said, gesturing toward the oven.

"Did Alex eat something?" Olivia asked.

Liz nodded, pulling a plate from the refrigerator and sticking it into the microwave. "I had to damn near force feed her, but yes, she ate."

Olivia smiled, and laid her badge and wallet on the counter. "Good," she said, grabbing a glass from a cupboard and pouring herself some water. She sipped it desperately, her eyes still on Alex. "How long has she been out?" she asked, glancing down at her watch, noting that it was well past midnight.

Liz looked down at her wrist, gazing at the time. "Maybe a half hour, at the most. She wouldn't take a pill."

"Ah," Olivia said. "So this is just pure exhaustion, huh?"

Liz nodded, removing the plate from the microwave as it beeped. "And when does your exhaustion set in?" she asked gently. She placed the plate on the bar and motioned for Olivia to sit. "You look like shit," she added.

Olivia leaned over the counter and shoveled a bite into her mouth, purposefully delaying a response. She swallowed. "I'll sleep tonight," she responded.

Liz nodded, but her mind was immediately onto the next subject. "Tell me about tonight," she commanded. She gestured toward the bar again. "And please, Olivia, sit down when you eat."

Olivia sighed, making her way around the counter and perching on a barstool. Liz stared at her across the counter, her eyebrows raised, anticipating Olivia's response.

Olivia felt a euphoric sense of relief wade through her as she said, "He's in custody."

She could almost feel Liz's relief as well, her exhale sounding across the bar. "Did you question him? Or are you letting him rot for the night, anticipating the evidence we've collected on him?"

Olivia swallowed another bite. "The latter," she said. "Although the truth is, we don't have much on him, Liz. We didn't find the car anywhere near him."

"Damn it," Liz muttered under her breath, her relief morphing into frustration as she placed her palms on the counter and leaned toward the detective. "Olivia, without any hard evidence, I can't prevent the defense from ripping Alex apart on the stand. They're going to try as hard as possible to find a weak link in her version of events. Try to make it seem as if she didn't get a good look at Chandler during the assault."

Olivia met her gaze, the food suddenly becoming tasteless. "I know," she whispered, resisting the urge to glance over at the sleeping attorney. "Have you spoken with Jessica Flanagan yet? There stories are going to be identical, won't that help?"

Liz shook her head. "I'm meeting with Flanagan on Wednesday morning, but no, Olivia, it won't help if we don't have anything definitive pointing toward the fact that Chandler was the one who committed the crimes. Eyewitness testimony can be torn apart during trial, you know that."

Olivia felt her stomach tighten, and she gingerly pushed the plate of food away from her. "We're working as hard as we can, Liz. How much time can you buy us before you have to indict?"

Liz shook her head again, offering a purse of her lips. "Not much. This case is a little unusual, seeing as how Alex is an agent of the court. Any judge is going to have some strict scrutiny on how they handle it, to ensure adequate due process, especially after last year's corruption scandal on Staten Island. If anything, they're not going to go easy on us."

Olivia nodded reluctantly, but hung her head. She looked back up at Liz, registering the woman's own tired eyes. "When's the last time _you_ had a full night's sleep?" she asked.

Liz ignored the question, pushing Olivia's plate back towards her. "About the same time you had a full meal," she said. "Eat." She glanced over the detective's shoulder at Alex, who still slept peacefully, although Liz knew it was only a matter of time before that slumber was disturbed by a nightmare. Olivia took another bite of her meal, her words bringing Liz's attention back to her. "Liz, why don't you stay here for the night?" she asked, swallowing. "We'll pull out Alex's couch in the office, you'll at least get some rest."

Liz smiled softly, but shook her head. "I've got some prep work to do," she said. "Chandler will be lawyered up by tomorrow morning, and I'll need to be ready to play some hardball." She nodded towards the sleeping blonde. "And so will Alex," she added.

Olivia swallowed another bite, not responding, her silence only revealing her anxiety about the lineup the next morning. Liz looked at her, assessing the brunette. "Olivia, we'll both be with her in that room. She will point to Chandler, and you'll escort her downstairs, and another part of this horrible process will be over. Trust me, you will be helping her more than you know just by being there, you understand?"

Olivia nodded slowly, picking up her plate and walking it back around the counter, anxiety still welling in her chest. She looked at Alex again, relief flooding her body as the blonde continued to sleep. Alex's nightmares not only frightened Olivia for the attorney's sake, but also for herself: the fact that she couldn't make them go away, couldn't immediately soothe Alex, worried her and made her think that the two of them would never be able to attain normality again. She blinked away tears, blaming the exhaustion for her breakdown as she willingly let them fall, her chest shaking slightly. Before she could speak, before she could offer an excuse to Liz, she felt the plate being lifted from her hands and a pair of arms wrapping around her. She let the arms hold her for a moment, let herself heave a sob onto Liz's shoulder as exhaustion, fear, frustration, and anger wracked her body. She pulled back slowly, as Liz put her hands on her forearms, staring into the detective's tear-soaked eyes. "Olivia, you and Alex will be fine. The way things are right now, the exhaustion and fear you're feeling, that's fine. You'll work together toward a new normal, but you'll have to do it together." She pulled away from the detective. "Got it?"

Olivia nodded, giving Liz a convincing smile. The older blonde gave an assertive nod before gathering her things, placing her bag onto her shoulder. She gave another quick glance at Alex before heading toward the door, Olivia following seeing her out. "Will you just let me know you got home?" Olivia asked, unable to prevent worry from creasing her brow.

Liz raised an eyebrow at her, slightly amused. "Well, that's a first," she said, but gave a slight nod. "Welcome to the new normal."

Olivia closed the door and leaned against it, letting herself slowly breath in and out for a moment before making her way back into the kitchen. She emptied her plate into the sink, tidying up just as much as her body would allow before she flipped the kitchen light off and made her way into the living room, eyeing Alex. She still slept somewhat soundly, her breathing steady. Olivia flicked off the television and took a seat at the end of the couch, carefully, so as not to disturb the attorney. She gingerly lifted Alex's swollen ankle, elevating it gently on her own thigh, before leaning her head back against the cushion. She let her fingers drift slowly over Alex's lower calf, soothed by the feel of her warm, smooth skin. The steady, slow back and forth motion eventually soothed Olivia into her own darkened sleep.

* * *

><p><em>Alex watched as the glint of the knife slashed deeply into the woman's skin, her eyes staring, unmoving as she heard the woman's scream, saw blood drip from her mouth. Alex watched, mesmerized by the eyes behind the knife, sat soundlessly as it plunged into the woman's skin again. She looked down at the woman on the bed, saw the blonde hair spread on the pillow, the blue eyes that stared up at her, blood welling in her eyes, flowing down her cheeks like tears.<em>

Alex started, letting out a stifled yelp as her eyes flew open and she felt a moment of pure fear slip into her before she focused her mind on her surroundings. She took in the crystal lamp on the side table, the picture of Liz and her mother that sat next to it. She felt her breathing become steadier as she saw the plum colored curtains hanging from the window. She felt something warm against her ankle, and turned towards it, her eyes blinking as she saw that Olivia lay with her head leaned precariously back against the couch, her head turned at what could only be an uncomfortable angle. Her chest rose steadily, and Alex was relieved that the detective was finally getting some much warranted sleep. But, at that angle, she'd be setting herself up for a much needed massage in the morning. Alex carefully lifted her feet from Olivia's thigh, but the brunette's eyes slowly opened at the slight movement. Alex cringed. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I was worried about your neck."

Olivia looked at her, confused for a moment, but then turned her head toward the side, grimacing as pain shot through her back. "Shit," she breathed. "No need to be worried," she lied, placing a hand on the back of her aching neck.

"Then why can't you turn your head to look at me?" Alex said, and Olivia could hear the smile that played upon her lips.

"Because I'd rather turn my full torso to you," she said, awkwardly moving her body so that her head faced Alex, pleased to see that she was indeed smiling at the exchange.

"I really didn't want to wake you," Alex insisted. "You desperately need some sleep, Olivia."

"Alex, I'm fine," the brunette assured her.

Alex stared at her for a moment, placing a hand on Olivia's thigh, her blue eyes darkening. "I know you didn't sign up for this," she said, gesturing towards herself, her lips trembling slightly. "I'm not asking you to do anything you don't want to do Olivia. I completely understand if you want to – " she cut herself off, not wanting to continue.

Olivia quickly placed her hand over the fingers that rested on her thigh and gripped them tightly, leaning toward the attorney. "Alex, there is no place I want to be more than right here. I know I can't fix this," she said, her voice cracking slightly, "But I can be here with you and help you in any way that you need. I signed up for _you_ and the only thing I want to do right now is support you. Please let me do that. Please."

Alex let a tear roll gently down her cheek as she nodded, slowly leaning forward and pressing her forehead against the detective's, as intimate a movement as she'd been able to manage over the past week. "Come to bed," she said. "Let's sleep."

Olivia nodded, raising herself off the couch and offering Alex her hand. She saw the attorney's lips move into her normal adage, the "I got it," threatening to roll automatically off her tongue. Instead, she stopped herself, offering her own hand up to the detective's, allowing Olivia to gently help her off the couch and into the bedroom, Alex leaning heavily on her.

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><p><strong>I hope this pace isn't moving too slowly for you all... it just seems right for this.<strong>


	16. Chapter 16

**Another quick update. Please review - keeps me happy.**

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><p><strong>Monday, August 1<strong>

The sunlight streaming through Alex's sheer bedroom curtains bathed a warm glow onto Olivia's legs, the sheets lying in tangles near her ankles. She started awake, her eyes flitting toward the empty space beside her. She reached over, picking up her watch that lay on the bedside table, giving it a quick glance as she sat up and raked a hand through her hair. She hadn't heard Alex wake up throughout the night, but with her exhaustion, there's no telling what she could have slept through. She wandered through the short hallway, catching Alex in her office, her head bent over her desk.

"Alex?" she called, walking into the office, noticing the blonde's computer open on her desk. Several papers were strewn next to her, and Olivia caught the familiar wording of an affidavit, and recognized Jessica Flanagan's name. "Alex, what are you doing?" she asked, placing a hand on the attorney's shoulder.

Alex didn't turn to face her, instead keeping her eyes on the screen in front of her. "I'm just looking over some things," she said. "Trying to tie some things together."

Olivia's lips parted, but her words failed her. "Alex…"

"I couldn't sleep," Alex replied casually, glancing up at Olivia. "There's coffee already made, two scoops, just how you like it."

Olivia placed a kiss on the crown of Alex's head, letting her lips linger just for a moment, not wanting to make the attorney uncomfortable. "If I'm not mistaken, that's exactly how you like it, too," she said with a soft smile.

"Doesn't lessen the fact that I thought of you when I made it," Alex responded, and for a moment Olivia had a glimpse of their life a week ago, the back and forth rapport that had initially attracted her to the attorney. She wondered how many times over the past week the same thought had flittered through Alex's mind, the question only reminding her that she had little insight into anything that Alex had felt since her assault.

She placed another kiss on the crown of Alex's head. "Why don't I make you some toast?" she asked, letting the moment, and her uncertainty, pass. She felt Alex's head shake back and forth beneath her chin.

"We have the lineup this morning," Alex said, as if reminding Olivia of a casual errand. She turned her head upward, dislodging Olivia's chin. "Do you mind if I ride over with you? I want to talk with Liz beforehand."

"Talk with Liz about what?" Olivia asked, as she pulled away from the attorney and perched on the desk, intentionally obscuring the case files that had captured Alex's eager attention.

Alex put a hand up to brush the detective off of her desk, but she rested it back in her lap and sighed, looking up at the brunette. Concern reflected in Olivia's eyes, but Alex shook her head, as if to dislodge the other woman's gaze from her. "I need to talk to her about her angle, how she's going forward with the prosecution. This was my case a week ago, Olivia."

Olivia balked at the comment, both unsurprised and disturbed by Alex's plea. "But, Alex, this case has changed - "

The attorney nodded, putting up a hand. "I know that," she replied. "I'm not arguing this case and I probably have no business being involved with it." Her eyes looked up at the detective, a sincere yearning pooling within them. "But, Olivia, this is helpful for me," she stressed. "This is what I know how to do."

Olivia shifted off of the desk, giving Alex access to the file. She gave a small nod as she walked towards the doorway, Alex once again leaning over her work. She walked towards the kitchen, the smell of coffee luring her, but feeling as if she had let another opportunity pass the two of them by.

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><p>Liz walked through the precinct toward Cragen's office, where Alex sat waiting. She handed the blonde a small cup of tea and Alex accepted it grudgingly, setting it delicately on her knee. "Elliot said to give them a few more minutes," Liz said, perching on the edge of the captain's desk. Alex tipped her head in acknowledgment, but she gazed vacantly at the floor, her fingers bobbing the tea bag up and down. Liz had noticed the attorney's lapses in concentration ever since she had arrived earlier that morning, tailing Olivia into the precinct, her brow furrowed in concentration as she limped her way into the room with her crutches. Cragen had graciously turned over his office to the two of them as they waited for the lineup to solidify.<p>

"Liz, Jessica Flanagan's statement reads almost identical to mine." Alex looked up at her, taking a small sip of her tea. "I read over it this morning."

Liz looked over at her, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared down at the attorney, a feigned look of impatience masking her concern. "Alex, I'm handling this case. I don't think it's necessarily helpful for you to be reading over those files," she said, shaking her head, already anticipating Alex's rebuttal.

"I'm comforted by the fact that you and Olivia drank the same Kool-Aid this morning, Liz, but this would have been my case before – " she cut herself off, the words failing to manifest from her tongue. She quickly recovered, changing her tone. "I can still help you do _my _job," she said pointedly.

Liz assessed her, once again taking pleasure in the younger woman's obdurate willfulness, but nonetheless worrying at the source of her persistence. "You can help do the job by preparing yourself for this lineup." Liz studied her carefully, taking a breath of her own as she thought about the task ahead of them. "Are you ready?" she asked.

Alex nodded, setting her mug on Cragen's desk and putting her hands on her crutch, her nervous energy morphing into a slow, shuffling pace across the room. "This is when I would be prepping the witness," she said softly, almost to herself, once again gazing vacantly in front of her. Liz watched, searching the unreadable eyes, as Alex continued, repeating the words she had used to coach many victims before. "They won't be able to see you at all. Just take your time, take deep breaths, and remember that there is no pressure on you while you're in there." Her blue gaze met the Bureau Chief's as she turned around, leaning against a bookshelf. "You know, that whole thing," she said, tossing her hand casually. "I never realized how full of shit I sounded." She gave an ironic half-smile, that sent a chill through Liz's spine.

Liz met her remark with an earnest face. "I'm not going to say any of that to you, Alex, you know that." She tried to catch the blonde's eye, but Alex had diverted her gaze toward the floor.

"Tell me how empowering it is," she replied, unheeding, her voice emotionless. "How brave I am to identify my attacker." She threw a hand up. "Who can't even see me."

Liz dropped her head, her grip tightening on the edge of the desk. "Alex, stop it," she said. "You know why you're doing this. It's for no other reason than so I can put this goddamn bastard behind bars."

Alex looked up at her. "Oh, please, Liz. We don't have anything other than my testimony, which we both know can be ripped apart on the stand. If you can put Chandler behind bars with just that, then you're a far better attorney than I ever thought."

Liz darted up from the desk, stepping toward Alex and fixing her with what should have been a glare, but was instead a look of worried tenderness. "Alex, this _case_ doesn't rest on your shoulders alone." She paused, letting a moment pass as she watched something shift inside Alex, saw her shoulders loosen. "And neither does what happened to you," she said.

The moment passed, and Liz felt the attorney once again close herself off, this time by limping back over to the chair and slumping into it. "What the hell is taking so long?" she asked, filling up the silence in the room.

Liz hung her shoulders slightly, watching as Alex kept her back toward her, casually reaching for her tea and taking a controlled sip. "I don't know," she said. She fought the urge to walk over to Alex and try reaching her once again, but she shook the thought out of her head, instead opting to focus on her job. "I'll go check," she said, heading towards the door.

She had taken only a couple of steps forward when Olivia's head popped up behind the window, and she quietly opened the door. Liz acknowledged her, tipping her head toward Alex as the attorney turned toward the new visitor. "I'll be in the lineup room," she said, "hard lining with the Defense." Olivia watched as Liz left the room, noting the hardness in the woman's eyes.

Alex spoke without turning around. "Are you ready for me?"

Olivia nodded, walking towards Alex and taking Liz's place on Cragen's desk. "Yeah," she said, giving Alex a studied look. "But we can take all the time we need. There's no rush."

"For me there is," Alex said, rising from the chair. She winced slightly as she placed weight on her ankle, instinctively grabbing the crutch that rested beside her. "Not that I'm rushing anywhere these days," she said, giving her ankle a frustrating glance.

Olivia rose as well, putting a steadying arm out to her. "Alex," she said, all too familiar with the stony gaze that stared back at her, a look she had seen the attorney adopt during many a trial. She almost relished that look as she saw it now, but deep down she knew that this strength was not coming from the blonde's usual assuredness; instead it came from someplace much darker, a place that Olivia wished she could go. Alex gazed back at her, steeling her jaw. "I'm ready," she said.

* * *

><p>Alex's vision tunneled before her as everyone in the room faded into a black periphery, the glass before her the only thing she saw. She watched silently as the men were lead into the room behind the glass, each walking slowly, carrying a small cardboard number. She willed herself to see the men as she had many times before as a prosecutor, but she felt her power slowly seeping out of her, as if with every exhale she relinquished strength, inhaling only fear. She held her breath as she looked over the first men in line, reflexively jerking as she felt terror rise in her spine, sure that each and every one of them would harm her in some way. She heard a voice behind her, low and steady, but she couldn't make out the words. She wished whoever it was would speak louder, if only to combat the trepidation she felt flooding her brain. She felt him before she saw him, felt revulsion and bile rise in her throat before her mind even registered his equine nose, his green eyes, which seemed to stare directly through her. She heard a moan, thought it could have come from her own throat as she felt a flash of pain in her chest, on her thigh. She heard another low voice, this one more gentle, and was able to make out the words "take your time" before she felt her throat close again.<p>

She willed herself to close her eyes, to shut the green gaze out with her controlled darkness, and to allow herself to focus on her own breath, to feel the soft rubber padding of the crutch under her fingers, the hard floor beneath her feet. She opened her eyes, taking advantage of the quick calm she had created. "Number three," she uttered, the words falling limply from her lips. She saw the large placard, the number three etched into it with black ink, and mind flashed instinctively to the marks on her chest, roman numerals floating before her eyes, the searing pain she had felt, that she still felt in her dreams.

"Can you repeat the number again, Alex?" she heard, understanding the words, but unable to discern the voice from which they came.

"Number three," she repeated, her voice a pitch lower, her voice trembling not with fear, but with an unforeseen fury that threatened to bubble from her throat in a scream. "Three," she said again, her hand unconsciously flittering up to her chest as she repeated the number again and again.

Liz glanced over at Olivia, saw her lips pressed tightly in apprehension as Alex repeated the number, almost chanting it to herself. She tossed her head back to the defense attorney. "We're done," Liz said. Olivia exited quickly, delivering the order to return Chandler to his cell. Liz turned back to Alex, attempting to pull her back from the glass. She still gazed through the glass at the now empty room, the number still falling almost silently from her lips.

"Alex," Liz said, this time harsher, attempting to bring the attorney out of her daze. She glanced back at the defense attorney, who still stood in the background, curiosity piquing her features. "Cohen, we're done here," she barked, jerking her head towards the door. "Give me some fucking privacy." She waited until the attorney had huffed out of the room before turning her attention back to Alex.

"Alex," she whispered, hesitating to touch the woman. She heard footsteps behind her and whipped her head around. "Cohen, for fuck's sake – " she began, halting herself as she saw Olivia enter the room and quietly close the door behind her. She looked at the woman, grateful, as she let the detective slip in beside Alex. Olivia placed a tender hand on the attorney's shoulder. "Alex? You did a great job, Chandler's back in his cell." She felt Alex's shoulder tense underneath her hand, saw a flush of anger torrenting in the blue eyes that turned towards her.

"Who gave him the fucking number three?" Alex snarled, her voice rising as she turned to face Liz and Olivia. "Jesus Christ," she said, her eyes burning, her voice more than exasperated. "Who's running this fucking operation?" She reeled on the two women, taking a lumbering step forward. "What was that, some kind of signal, number three?" she said, wrenching the right side of her blouse open slightly, so that the white bandages from her chest peeked out. Her breathing deepened, and her face went cold, her voice low, dripping with a vile sarcasm. "Might want to check with Cohen, Liz, she might suspect you of trying to coach the witness."

Liz kept her gaze focused on Alex's, attempting to calm the raw fury she saw there. "Alex, you adequately identified the perpetrator and we can now move forward with this case. You did everything you needed to do here today." She saw the attorney's breathing calm, but the fury in her eyes hardened into an unwavering glare.

Olivia stepped next to Alex and attempted to place an hand on her forearm, but the blonde whipped away. "I'm fine," she said, her voice heated. "I'm fine," she repeated, straightening her shirt and giving Liz and Olivia one last frown as she walked out of the room.

Olivia glanced back at Liz, uncertainty plastered across her face. Liz cleared her throat, attempting to calm herself. "Well," she said, returning Olivia's gaze, "She took that about how I expected." She sighed, placing a hand to her temple.

Olivia looked over at her, fighting her own desire to run after Alex. "You know her just as well as I do," she said. "You think I should give her a minute?"

Liz looked over at her, nodding. "I'd give her a minute," she agreed, "then I'd check the restrooms to make sure the doors are still hanging from their stalls." She paused, sharing a look with the detective. "It's good that she's feeling _something_," she said, giving her an assuring pat on the arm. "I'm going to drag Cohen's feet across the coals. I'll check in with you when I'm done."

Olivia nodded, Liz's words piquing her anxiety. Alex was feeling many _somethings,_ but Olivia wasn't sure she knew how to delve into exactly what those feelings were.

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><p>Alex stood in the restroom, her palms flat on the sink, her head down, eyes focusing on the red knuckles of her left hand, raw from the beating she had given the metal paper towel dispenser. She had hit it repeatedly until it had popped open on her, spewing towels across the sink and onto the tile floor. She breathed deeply, taking a look at herself in the mirror, her eyes falling across the yellowish green bruises that trailed her jaw line, giving the side of her face a jaundiced look, and the fine red line that split the corner of her lip. She sighed, attempting to gather the spilled towels, pushing them into the trashcan next to the sink. She winced as she bent over to collect the towels on the floor, righting herself quickly from the dull pain. She heard the door open behind her.<p>

"I expected a little worse."

Alex turned, catching Olivia at the doorway. "Looks like I did the most damage to my hand," she said, tossing several more paper towels into the trash.

Olivia stepped inside, quickly picking up the remaining towels and tossing them quickly into the bin. She leaned against the wall and glanced over at Alex, who had perched herself on the counter. "Olivia, that lineup could have been thrown out."

Olivia shook her head. "No, Alex, it couldn't have, and you know it, everything was solid. What happened in there had nothing to do with procedure." She stared at the attorney, who had leaned her head back, conceding defeat.

"I know," she said, closing her eyes briefly, enjoying the reprieve from the fluorescent lights that illuminated the restroom. "I really do try and keep myself level," she said, letting out a wavering sigh. "Then I get this fire in my chest at the most random things, and I get so afraid. Then I'm mad at myself for being afraid." She opened her eyes and lowered her head, studying the detective in front of her, ready to steel herself against any look of pity. Instead she saw only concern and a soft nod of acknowledgment, and she immediately understood why Olivia had always been able to connect with victims. There was no judgment, no overly sympathetic rendering in her eyes, just full understanding and acceptance. She immediately felt sick, the underlying premonition that she had been so utterly afraid of finally realized in her mind; Olivia saw her as a victim.

Olivia watched, raising herself off the wall, as something indescribable passed through Alex's eyes. She saw the attorney's shoulders sag slightly, saw a new sadness in her eyes. She spoke quickly, attempting to dissuade the misery that she felt radiating from her partner. "Alex, it's okay to have these conflicting emotions. What you went through – "

Alex cut her off, her face becoming academic, almost anecdotally serious, her eyes clearing. "I think I need to see a therapist," she said, her voice even.

Olivia raised an eyebrow at the attorney's change of emotion, but nodded. "Of course," she said. "I have someone who I fully trust, if you'd like to – "

Again, Alex cut her off, speaking over her. "That's fine," she said, righting herself on her crutch and giving Olivia a shallow smile. "I just think it's best if I talk things over with someone that's not so close," she continued, not sure who she was attempting to convince. "I think that will help us all move on a little more quickly." She straightened, keeping her head down, certain that the detective would see the falsity in her eyes if she looked directly at her. The thought of unburdening herself onto Olivia, of sharing with her girlfriend the violent, intrusive thoughts that plagued her daily was not an option she was prepared to accept. If anything, she wanted to regain normality with Olivia, and wanted to continue their courtship, unburdened by her assault; she wanted gaiety and smiles. She wanted to go back in time.

Olivia furrowed her brow for a moment, watching as the attorney hung her head, but still nodded, unaware whether Alex needed agreement, placation, or an argument. She settled for silence. As Alex shuffled towards the door, she held it open, her words feeling shallow as she spoke, "Of course. I'll grab the therapist's card for you back at the precinct."

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><p><strong>It's tempting to write a quick one-shot, if only to give myself an outlet for some light-hearted fun. Please continue to review - I appreciate the comments!<strong>


	17. Chapter 17

**Monday, August 1, cont.**

Olivia couldn't help but see her own frown reflected in the glass partition as she watched her partner circle Chandler, who sat with his hands clasped delicately on the metal table, his eyes calm. She rocked back and forth on her heels, her breath coming fast and frustrated as she watched Chandler's cool façade withstand Elliot's barrage of questions. "This is going nowhere," she said under her breath, but loud enough for Cragen and Liz, who stood a few feet behind her, to hear. Through the partition, Elliot paced the length of the interview room, determining his next move, and attempting to keep his own breathing as level as the suspect's. "So you're telling me it's going to be your word, an esteemed hatemonger," he said, gesturing with disgust, "over the word of an esteemed district attorney for the city of New York?" He gave Chandler an incredulous look.

The man was unperturbed. "Detective, Alexandra Cabot was present during my first interview here, when you and your partner unfairly accused me of a serious crime." His green eyes held a blankness. "One that I didn't commit. I can only assume, and my attorney agrees, that your eyewitness is incredibly mistaken." He gave Elliot a long stare. "Either that or she wanted to help this department frame an innocent man."

Elliot let out a chuckle, crossing his arms in front of him. "What if I told you I had _two_ eyewitnesses?" he said, hoping the false information would bait the man.

Chandler shrugged. "It doesn't make any difference to me if you had five eyewitnesses," he said. "I maintain my innocence."

Elliot bared down upon him. "How do you maintain your innocence after having contact with all three victims before they were assaulted?"

"I would ask you how many people at that rally also had contact with the victims that day. It's a big city, Detective." Chandler kept his hands clasped in front of him, his eyes unflinching.

Elliot took a seat at the table across from Chandler, watching him intently and clasping his own hands, mocking the man's cool repose. "How do you get around the city, Raymond?"

Chandler stared evenly at him. "Like most everyone else. I walk."

"Or take the subway?"

"Or take the subway."

Elliot nodded to himself, pausing as if to thing through his next question. "Do you own a car, Raymond?" He noticed the subtle shifting of Chandler's fingers.

"No, I do not."

"How many cars does your father own?" The anger that sparked behind the green eyes was not lost on the detective.

"I'm not certain," Chandler responded. "Two, maybe."

"You keep in touch with your father?"

Chandler took a breath, exhaling slowly. "I don't see how that's relevant, Detective."

Elliot shrugged his shoulders, imitating the man's earlier movement. "I assume it's a healthy enough relationship for him to let you bring his Ford Taurus along with you when you moved to New York a couple of years ago. I can imagine, as a country boy from Oklahoma, not wanting to part with the comforts of a car." He leaned across the counter. "City can be pretty intimidating for someone like yourself." He monitored the bubbling anger in the other man's eyes, and curled his lips into an infuriating grin.

"That car is a piece of shit. I never use it." Chandler worked to keep his eyes steady on the detective, his jaw set.

Elliot nodded. "Uh huh. Where is it?"

"I park it near my apartment, but never bother to move it. It could be stolen for all I know." Elliot's gaze once again focused on the subtle interchange of Chandler's fingers.

"Is that right?" the detective asked, a smile belying the fact that didn't buy Chandler's lie. "Did you register that car in New York?"

Chandler's eyes narrowed and his features steeled across his face. "I'm done here." He gave Elliot a slight sneer. "Unless you want to send in Detective Benson."

Cragen paced in front of the glass partition, lines wrinkling his forehead as he turned to face his two detectives. "Olivia, you're out of your mind if you think I'm allowing you into that interrogation room."

"Captain, there's a possibility I could wrench a confession out of him – "

"And, what, we'll have a repeat of what happened last time?" Cragen shook his head, his dark eyes flashing with muted anger. "The buck stops here. He's finished controlling this case."

Elliot sighed from the doorway, giving a quick glance toward Liz. She looked back at the detectives, her eyebrows raised, and gave a quick shake of her head. "Don't look at me," she deferred. "Unless you guys get me some evidence, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to wring a confession directly from this asshole's lips."

Cragen pursed his lips, giving Liz an incensed look before turning his attention back to the glass partition. He studied the man who still sat at the table, his hands crossed evenly; Chandler hadn't moved a muscle since Elliot left him. "There's no way a guy like this isn't keeping mementos from his crimes," he said, almost to himself. "He's getting too much pleasure out of this." Cragen pocketed his clenched fists and turned towards his team. "Olivia, what's the status on the search for the car? Any help from other precincts or do I need to give some Chiefs a quick kick in the ass?"

Olivia crossed her arms. "Problem is not enough manpower. At least that's what I'm told."

Cragen nodded, not surprised. "Let me handle that," he said.

Elliot spoke up. "Doesn't help that we've got a description vague enough that would make finding a needle in haystack easier than this. We issued an APB for the Taurus along with the Oklahoma license plate number. Wherever that car is, I guarantee you there are no Oklahoma tags anywhere near it."

Olivia agreed. "He would only be doing us a favor if he didn't have any tags at all. Instead, he's probably got a fake New York tag plastered on the bumper of the car. Which just widens the scope of the search, which is getting us nowhere."

Cragen sighed. "Put Munch back on the impound lots, calling every boot, tow agency and garage in the city. Tell him to call every day if he has to." Cragen glanced at Liz, who was flipping through her briefcase. "Liz, how long can you buy us?"

Liz raised her head, giving him an unpromising look. "I can give you a week, tops."

Cragen nodded, locking eyes with his detectives, attempting to invoke confidence in his tone. "Okay then. We got a week."

Liz sighed, glancing down at her watch. "I really wish we'd gotten a little more out of this chat," she said. "I've got press breathing down my throat on this one, not to mention Phillips." She glanced at the two detectives. "I'm meeting with the DA tomorrow after the arraignment. I'd really like to be able to give him some good news."

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><p><strong>Tuesday, August 2<strong>

Olivia walked briskly, a very full cup of coffee balancing precariously in her hand as she headed through the hallway, attempting to prevent herself from nudging the people hurrying back from their lunch hour. She stopped momentarily, taking a sip off the top, cursing under her breath as the hot liquid burnt her tongue.

"Detective?" She turned quickly toward the voice, sloshing coffee onto her wrist. Another curse off her tongue before her eyes widened at the woman behind her.

"Oh! I'm so sorry." Jessica Flanagan's tone was apologetic as she reached into her purse and pulled out a small pack of tissues, brandishing one and dabbing it against Olivia's wrist. "I didn't mean to startle you." She glanced up at the detective, her blue eye wide.

Olivia gave her a fleeting smile and shook her head, taking her wrist back and shaking it out next to her. "No, don't worry about it," she said. "This is what I get for trying to get too much of my money's worth."

Jessica gave a faint smile, and Olivia straightened, making quick study of the older blonde's face. Her bruises had faded, but the light blue eyes still held a lingering sense of emptiness. She glanced down, noticing that the hand that held the tissue was still encased in a small wrist brace. "How are you?" she asked.

"I'm fine," she replied, and Olivia could see the defined smile lines deepen around her mouth. She recognized the mollifying response, one that Jessica had probably given to numerous acquaintances, friends, and colleagues since her assault. She cleared her throat and her hand subconsciously drifted upward toward her blazer, pulling it tighter across her chest, in attempt to cover the hardening scars that Olivia knew rested there. "I met with Elizabeth Donnelly," she said. "I'm testifying."

Olivia nodded as guilt rose in her chest; the department's failures on the case being the very reason Jessica and Alex had to testify. "That's very brave of you," she said, for a moment regretting her response. But she saw a brief flicker of pride pass through the other woman's eyes.

"From what I gleamed from Elizabeth, it may or may not be helpful, and it will more than likely be a painful process," she said. "That woman's a basketful of roses," she said, letting her lip curl upwards at her own sarcasm.

"She's all thorns," Olivia said, returning the smile.

"Anyway," the blonde said, giving a casual wave of her hand, "I don't mean to keep you from your work. I just wanted to say hello, and to thank you for the work you did arresting - " she halted momentarily - "for arresting him." The fact that the woman couldn't say Chandler's name wasn't lost on her; it was strikingly different from the way the name rolled seemingly effortless off of Alex's tongue.

She shook her head modestly, pushing the invasive thought from her mind. "I'm very glad we got him," she said, allowing herself to peer closely at the woman before her. The faint crow's feet at her eyes, the smile lines around her mouth, all signs of a life once unmarred by tragedy. The newer, deeper crease that furrowed her brow, the pockets under her eyes that pointed to the sleepless nights, the exhaustion that had plagued her for the past month. Olivia felt the words fall from her lips before she could second-guess them. "Jessica, do you have time for a quick cup of coffee?" She looked down at her own cup, the liquid inside it still threatening to spill over the rim. "There's a small café downstairs. And I can guarantee you the coffee's hot."

Jessica hesitated only for a moment, then slowly nodded her head. "Sure," she said. "I've got time."

* * *

><p>Liz stood in front of the District Attorney's desk, her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pursed, blazing nothing short of fury towards Charlie Phillips. "There's no way we can plea this one out, Elizabeth," he said gruffly.<p>

"I know that – "

"You know that as well as I do. The public, the pols, they all want blood. We're taking this all the way." He looked up at her. "So tell me how we're going to win this case with what we've got."

Liz spoke confidently. "I've got one eyewitness that will testify that she saw Raymond Chandler, and I've got another eyewitness who can testify as to the similarity between both rapes. I've also got a medical examiner that can tie all the two rapes together with the murder victim and testify that without a doubt she believes all attacks to be committed by the same person. I've got two witnesses that place Chandler in contact with Worth and Flanagan two weeks before the first murder was committed."

She watched as Charlie slowly ambled up from his desk, walking over to a small water pitcher and pouring himself a glass. "And Alexandra had contact with him when he was first brought in for initial questioning?"

"Yes."

"And why was he brought in for questioning?"

"An informational interview – "

"He wasn't charged with anything at that time?"

"No – "

"And nothing was found during the search of his apartment to implicate him in any way?"

"No, but – "

"You see where I'm going with this, Elizabeth?" He took a long sip of his water and watched her from the rim of his glass.

Liz steadied her gaze, waiting for him to lower his glass before offered an answer. "I do, Charlie, and I resent the fact that you think I haven't already went through all of this."

"It's my job, Elizabeth," he said, giving a wave of his hand. "The defense is going to rail against Alexandra on the stand, and in addition, take this bureau down with it." He gave her a pointed look. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You know my concerns of putting her on the stand."

"With all due respect, Charlie, I have only the best interest of this bureau _and_ Alexandra at heart. I wouldn't risk putting her on the stand if I had anything else."

"Elizabeth, I don't have to tell you that I don't think you should be trying this case," he said, tugging on his suspenders as he sauntered back his desk.

"Charlie, you've already told me that twice, so no, you don't have to tell me it again. I'm familiar with your concerns, and I've answered to every single one." Liz felt herself getting impatient, and attempted to calm herself down by giving a quick gaze around the DA's office.

"I spoke with Bill," Charlie continued, gesturing as if Alex's uncle were standing next to him. "He said the same thing you said. Told me he wouldn't want anyone else trying his niece's case." He gave her a pointed glare. "And you know I value his opinion."

Liz pulled her gaze away from a darkly stuffed geese that rested behind the DA's desk. She nodded.

"I also value Alexandra Cabot as one of the best ADAs we've got." He looked at Liz as he slumped into his chair. "That said, you know as well as I do that there's no way she can continue in SVU. Not without a long, recuperative sabbatical. Maybe in appeals, something a little less… violent."

Liz shook her head vehemently, although she had already anticipated the directive. "Charlie, with all due respect, there's no way for _you_ to know what's best for Alexandra."

"My respect is also to this office, Elizabeth," he said, as if she could have possibly forgotten where his loyalty lie. "You're telling me that Alexandra Cabot, after undergoing a violent sexual assault, is going to effectively try cases handed to her by SVU? I'd be worried for her own sake if she did," he said, gesturing with his glass.

Liz refused to acknowledge his concerns, despite the fact that she'd had them running through her own mind for the past week. "Charlie, I'm not speaking on her behalf. I'm merely saying that Alexandra should be given an appropriate choice on whether she wants to be reassigned."

The DA nodded, placating her with a wave of his hand. "She can make that decision, but only after she's taken a month's leave to fully allow herself the time and the space to think about it. We're already under enough scrutiny as it is, Elizabeth."

She nodded. "One month's leave," she acknowledged. She raised her eyebrows at him. "Consider yourself briefed, Charlie?"

Charlie waved towards the door, and Liz turned to go. She turned as he spoke again. "How is she doing, Elizabeth?"

Liz gazed down at him, her hands by her sides, already steeling herself against the falsity she knew was about to fall from her lips. "She's doing fine," she said, giving the District Attorney a nod before walking out of his office.

* * *

><p>Olivia watched as Jessica bent her head toward her cup and took a delicate sip, her graying roots showing at the crown of her head. She glanced up at Olivia, and the detective saw a hint of uneasiness in her yes. "I had wondered why I saw a squad car posted outside my apartment for the past week," she said. "I felt as if I already knew why, but I pestered the hell out a police officer one night and demanded that she tell me what was going on. That's how I found out there was a third victim."<p>

Olivia gazed back at her. "I wanted to make sure you and Megan were safe," she explained. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you myself."

"Elizabeth told me Alexandra Cabot was the third victim," she replied. "It must be difficult seeing a colleague go through that," she said. "A little too close to home, if you will."

Olivia started almost perceptibly in her chair, and she hoped Jessica hadn't noticed, but the blue eyes gazed empathetically at her from across the table. She gave a small nod, unable to find her voice. Instead she took a sip of her coffee, which was now only lukewarm on her tongue.

"Elizabeth said the assaults were pretty much identical," Jessica whispered, her eyes staring vacantly into her mug, her jaw clenched. She sat quietly for a moment more before speaking, her eyes still on her coffee. "Sometimes I find myself wondering what she felt then. If she felt as afraid as I did. Or what she feels now." She shook her head violently, forcing an embarrassed gaze back at Olivia. "I'm sorry," she said quickly, shame creeping into her features, deepening the line between her eyes. "Intrusive thoughts are for therapy."

Olivia shook her head and let her eyes meet Jessica's. "It's healthy to share things."

Jessica let out a mirthless laugh. "It's also a good way to alienate friends, family, you name it." She let her lips fall into a straight line. "There are some things you don't want to share," she said. "Not even with your therapist." She took another sip of her coffee. "I'm seeing Joyce _, by the way. She's very good. Very… therapeutic?" she trailed off with a reserved smile, as if enjoying her own private joke.

Olivia looked at her for a moment, a sudden need for connection igniting in her chest. "I've seen Joyce once or twice myself."

Jessica raised her eyebrows in surprise, setting her mug on the table. "You have?"

Olivia took a sip of her coffee, if only to give herself a moment to determine where the sudden urge to share had come from. "Two years ago," she replied. "After a particularly rough case. I didn't necessarily go willingly, of course, but it did help."

"I've never been one for therapy," Jessica responded, conversationally. "Never really had time for it, what with work, listening to my friends' problems." She let out a quiet laugh. "Now I'm learning that I could've probably benefitted from it long before this."

"Did Megan end up seeing her?" Olivia asked, curious about the woman's response to her partner's assault.

Jessica glanced quickly down at her cup, and Olivia saw her forehead crease with sadness. Jessica looked back up at her, swallowing. "I think Megan's doing what she needs to do for herself," she replied. "Elizabeth told me the arraignment is tomorrow," she continued, changing the subject. "And that we would be at trial as soon as next week."

Olivia nodded. "I meant what I said earlier. It's brave of you to testify. It's not the easiest thing do to."

Jessica nodded, her gaze seeming to tunnel inward. "If anything, that will feel more normal. It's clinical, it's a part of the procedure, just a step in a process that you're supposed to complete. What gets me are the flashbacks. At the market, at the bank, while I'm cooking." Olivia watched as she let her finger trace the rim of her mug, lost in a memory. "That night, I poured myself a glass of my favorite red wine. We - I always keep a few bottles on hand, you know, an old reliable. I stood in my kitchen, swirled the wine, smelling it, and took a small sip of it as I walked through the living room, cherishing the thought of a shower. I had gotten caught in the rain. I was thinking about a shower, something so simple…" she trailed off, giving a quick shake of her head. "I had the urge to have a glass of wine a couple of nights ago, and of course that's all I had on hand, all those damn bottles of that same old wine. I broke down and poured them all down the sink. Probably a good $200 worth of wine. Afterwards, of course, I felt incredibly stupid." She raised her head slowly, her eyes startlingly clear.

Olivia met the stare, and saw Jessica's cheeks flush slightly. "Thank God my appointment with Joyce is this afternoon," she said, attempting to make her voice light. "I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head, wanting to pine the woman's mind further, almost as if by talking with Jessica, she could attempt to understand the thoughts that Alex had kept so hidden. A feeling of subdued guilt flickered through her mind, but she pushed it down. "Nothing to be sorry for, trust me." She peered closer at the blonde. "Are you angry?" she asked softly.

"Yes," Jessica answered, her voice low and steady.

"With who?"

Jessica gazed at her evenly, and Olivia felt pulled in by her eyes, her own worst fears realized in the other woman's response.

"Everyone," Jessica said quietly, her blue eyes closing. "I'm angry at everyone."

* * *

><p>Liz opened her office door, her lips already pursed in a fine line, exasperation radiating from her body. Her assistant had already informed about the visitor that had been sitting in her office for the past ten minutes, after causing quite a stir within the Bureau. Liz tried to reign in her fury as she turned her attention toward the lithe blonde seated on her couch. "Alex, what the hell are you doing here?"<p>

Alex shifted her attention from the manila case file she had snagged from Liz's desk a few minutes earlier. "You're going to let Stephens plea the Freeman case out?" she asked, incredulous. "He's got DNA for crying out loud."

Liz ignored the question, instead baring down upon the attorney and yanking the file out of her hand. "It's his case now," she replied, tossing the folder back to its rightful place before returning a blazing gaze back down at her. "What are you doing here? Where's your Aunt? I thought she was spending the day with you after your appointment with Dr. Mohan?"

"You mean babysitting me?" Alex retorted, raising an eyebrow as she peered up at her boss. She shrugged, shaking her head as she heaved a heavy sigh. "I don't know why I'm here, Liz. I just didn't want to be at that apartment anymore, and I couldn't take Helen's overdone distractions, however altruistic they were. I just didn't have the energy."

"So, what, you're just going to camp out here for the day? Not gonna happen." Liz shook her head.

"She'll be back in half an hour," Alex responded, comforted by the toughness. "Relax."

Liz took a seat next to Alex, letting out her own sigh. "How did the appointment go?"

Alex gave an exaggerated nod. "No glaring physical deformities. Everything's going as planned. Going back in two weeks to remove the stitches."

"Good," Liz said, putting a motherly hand on Alex's knee. "That's good."

Alex sat quietly for a moment, and Liz could tell her mind had drifted. "Liz, I scratched him."

Liz looked over at her, eyebrows raised. "What?" she asked, not certain she heard the soft words.

"I scratched his skin," she said again. "I – I – " she trailed off, leaving the thought behind in favor for an easier one. "Why is there no DNA in that rape kit?" She steadied her breath, could feel the confusion coming through her words. "I tried to scratch the hell out of him, to get him underneath me," she said, her voice just a hair higher than a whisper.

Liz squeezed the hand that draped the attorney's knee, and turned towards her. "Alex, I told you to let me handle the technicalities of the case, okay?" she said softly, hoping to pull the younger woman back to the present. She got no response. "Fibers were found, most likely from the mask he wore." She leaned into the attorney, hoping to catch her gaze. "That's still helpful, you know that."

"I know," Alex said, her features still twisted in pained confusion, her hand gesturing in front of her as if to make sense out of her memory. "But I specifically scratched him because I knew what would happen. I felt it." She swallowed and clenched her jaw, attempting to keep down the sob that rose in her chest. "I knew he would win… and I knew that was my only way of making sure that he paid for what he did. Just to get his skin underneath me, that's all I had to do. He took everything from me, and I couldn't take anything from him." Her voice cracked over the last words and she choked back a sob, which came out as a strangled cry. The tears surprised her, shedding quickly, a quick onslaught of wetness that coated her cheeks and trailed down her neck. She felt Liz's arm around her and tried to jerk out of her grasp, putting a halting hand on the older woman's shoulder. "No," she whimpered. "This is only supposed to happen at night, by myself… Not you, not Olivia – " she let out a harder sob at the sound of her partner's name – "I'm trying to be okay," she said, finally surrendering to Liz's shoulder.

Liz felt tears pooling in her own eyes, and willed them back, placing a gentle kiss on the crown of Alex's head as the blonde murmured under her breath, defeated nothings. She sat beside her, fingers combing through Alex's hair, until she felt the attorney's breathing lengthen, and she blonde lifted herself gently from the older woman's grasp. "Alex," Liz said, gently turning the tear-glistened face toward her, "it's healthy to let yourself feel all of this." She looked at her carefully. "It's okay to cry in front of Olivia, too."

Alex glared over at her, but her anger quickly melted into a loving gaze. "I can see she's hurting so badly," she murmured, shaking her head. "I see the guilt every time she looks at me. She blames herself, and I can't stand to see her do that. I have to protect her."

"Alex, you won't be protecting her in the long run if you don't share with her."

"I'm starting therapy tomorrow," Alex said, wiping her hand roughly over her eyes, enjoying the dull pain she felt as her wrist fluttered over her bruised eye. "Hopefully that will cut down on these fucking breakdowns," she said.

Liz looked over at her, concerned. "It's good that you're getting support from a therapist. But that's not the only support you're going to need. You can't alienate the rest of us. It requires trust, and I know you'll have to build that back with everyone. But we are all here for you for as long as it takes."

Alex gave a quick nod, her mind already working to change the subject as Liz stood up and retrieved a tissue from her desk. Alex took one, blowing her nose. "Louise said you were in with Charlie."

"I was."

"Talking about the trial?"

"Yes."

"About me?" Alex peered up at her boss.

"Yes."

"What did he say? How long am I out for the count here?"

Liz hesitated, and Alex caught onto it immediately, her eyes narrowing. "What?" she asked. "Not longer than a month, Liz, I can't take longer than that." She heard the plea in her own voice and hated herself for it. "How much time?" she asked again.

"A month."

"A month," Alex repeated, nodding her head as if convincing herself that it was an appropriate amount of time.

Liz perched on her desk and peered closely at Alex, who had straightened her posture in an attempt to regain her composure. She took her time with the next sentence. "Alex… do you think it best if you're reassigned to another unit?"

She whipped her head up, her eyes flashing. "No, I don't," she said, her voice almost disbelieving. "I sure as hell don't."

"Alex – "

"No, Liz," she interrupted, sarcasm leaching into her tone, "I'll take my sabbatical, my rape recovery time, whatever you want to call it, but I won't be reassigned against my wishes, simply because I was vic – " she cut herself off, letting the word that she so hated die on her lips.

"Alex, I know that."

"What did you tell him?" She looked up at her boss with a fear that she couldn't disguise, and it dismantled Liz in a way that she didn't want to fully acknowledge.

"I told him that you were in control of this decision, and that whatever you thought best, we would respect that decision." She cocked her head. "That was my official response." She leaned toward the seated woman. "But, Alex, it is important for you to give yourself some adequate space. This is not a job that most people are faced with after a violent assault."

"If only," Alex said.

"If only what?" Liz asked, her brow furrowing in confusion.

"If people had an opportunity to go to work every day and put scumbags, rapists, and child molesters in jail. It might be very therapeutic."

Liz pursed her lips. "Alex…"

The younger woman cut her off, giving a quick glimpse at her watch. "Aunt Helen will be here in a few minutes," she said, her tone normal. "I'm going to head downstairs." She didn't let Liz protest. "I can do it myself," she said, grabbing her crutch from its propped stance next to the couch. "I'll see you here tomorrow morning?"

"I can meet you at your place."

Alex shook her head. "No, I'll meet you here." She worked her way out of Liz's office, felt the older woman's gaze burning like fire into her back. She felt fear, shame, and a pressing guilt that she'd let herself finally breakdown… in front of the wrong woman.

* * *

><p><strong>I can already see the reviews coming my way for this one... but just trust me. Thanks for all you who keep reading (and reviewing). It's really way more of a motivation that you think...<strong>


	18. Chapter 18

**Tuesday, August 2, cont.**

The dim light bathing the hallway was merely a manifestation of the quietness that permeated the precinct at such a late hour. Liz walked along the hallway, her heels echoing on the tile floor as she passed a lone officer, who nodded politely towards her. As she approached the entrance to the 1-6, she saw the expected form of Olivia Benson, who was hunched over her desk and speaking lowly into the telephone she held to her ear. "Yeah, McClowsky, thanks for following the lead through anyway," she said, frustration edging into her tone as she tossed the phone onto its cradle with a lonely clunk. She ran an exasperated hand through her hair, her sigh just audible enough for Liz to hear it as she neared the detective. Olivia glanced up at the sound of Liz's approaching footsteps and leaned back in her chair, giving the Bureau Chief a polite wave of her hand.

"I should've known you'd still be here," Liz said in return, dropping her attaché onto Elliot's surprisingly neat desk. "What with Helen occupying Alex all day, I figured you'd be cramming in some extra hours." The Bureau Chief dropped herself into Elliot's chair, resting her back against it as she tossed a knowing glance towards Olivia. "I trust you'll let yourself leave soon," she said.

Olivia gave a small nod, darting a brief look at the time in the upper corner of her computer monitor. Her eyes drifted back toward the detritus spread across her desk, clutters of paper, sheafs of records, all separate strands of a story that she couldn't quite weave together. She hadn't been as productive as she'd hoped; rather, she had spent the last hour or so inside her head, only letting her thoughts float back toward reality when they fell upon the affidavit that sat unopened on her desk. It had sat untouched for most of the evening, only after she'd sifted through Elliot's files in order to find it. She looked back up at Liz and feigned some sense of focus, although her eyes were blurring with exhaustion. "Congrats on Chandler's arraignment," she said. "Remand without bail – at least something's going our way."

Liz nodded, her lips pursed, not allowing herself the vanity of self-congratulation. "For now, maybe. But, I met with Judge Moynahan this afternoon. Based on the evidence collected, there will be no delaying this trial. She did us a favor by not granting bail, but that means she's only going to speed up the process. We go to trial in two weeks." She paused, clasping her hands together and bringing her fingers to her lips as she thought to herself for a moment. "Listen," she said, her eyes serious. "Let Alex know I've got to postpone our meeting tomorrow – we're supposed to go over some points for the trial. She won't like it, but I've got a couple of motions to handle. And after she showed up at my office today, I think she needs some time away from the details of this – "

Olivia's head flitted upwards as she tried to make sense of Liz's words. "She was here today?" she asked, surprised. When she had gave Alex a quick kiss on the forehead early that morning, she had assumed that she would be with Helen for the day. She tried not to feel slighted.

Liz nodded, not surprised that Alex hadn't mentioned her visit, not after the breakdown she witnessed earlier in her own office. "Not for long – she just stopped by," she said, giving Olivia a reassuring glance, empathy getting the best of her as she continued, "– in an effort to evade Helen, I believe." She gauged the detective's response, fully aware of the concern that buzzed behind the brunette eyes. Liz's gaze fell downward, and she eyed the document that lay on the detective's desk. "Is that Alex's statement?" she asked.

Olivia followed Liz's gaze to the document that had been occupying the side of her desk for the duration of the night, but she didn't answer, instead letting her fingers graze over it. "I haven't even read it yet."

"Are you sure you want to?" Liz narrowed her eyes as the question left her lips.

Olivia shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest in an attempt to better believe her own words. "I can't hear it for the first time at trial, Liz."

"By all means, read it, if you think that's what's going to make you feel better," the older blonde said, gesturing towards the report. "I guarantee you it won't."

"She hasn't talked to me, Liz. Hasn't told me anything about the – about that night. I – I can't even count the number of actual conversations we've had, it's as if we're either evading each other or simply sitting in silence. She dreams at night, I can hear her murmuring in her sleep, and I try to reach out to her, but when she finally awakes, she won't talk about the dreams. I couldn't help her that night, and I can't help her now because I know _nothing_. I still don't know anything."

Liz gave Olivia an understanding look, but shook her head slightly. "Maybe she doesn't need to talk to you about what happened. Maybe she needs your for the strength to make sense of what's going on for her now."

Olivia nodded. "I know, I know, I need to give her time," she said.

"You knowing what happened that night, Olivia, won't absolve you of any of the guilt you're feeling." Liz let her comment hang in the air before continuing. "You both need some time."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, her eyes not meeting Liz's. "I know," she said, mostly to herself. "Why am I even telling you this?" she asked, embarrassment clouding her features.

"That's a good question, seeing as how you're not paying me to be your therapist." She kept her lips pursed, as usual, keeping Olivia from reading her expression. "You want a lift?" she asked, quickly glancing down at her watch. "Helen and Alex should be through with dinner by now."

Olivia nodded silently, gathering her things flipping off the light on her desk. As she followed Liz towards the doorway, she gave one last look at the affidavit lying on her desk. She turned, leaving it, hoping at some point that Alex would tell her what she needed to know. Her footsteps echoed quietly behind Liz's as the two women wordlessly made their way out of the precinct.

* * *

><p>Olivia pocketed her phone once more as she placed her key in the lock, opening the door gently. Still no call from Alex; Olivia had called the attorney on the way home, but had only gotten voicemail, surmising that she was still at dinner. She closed the door, noting that the hallway light was on, causing her own move to move silently beneath her. Olivia creased a brow as she walked inside, noting that the kitchen light was on as well. She felt a familiar drop in her stomach and her hand automatically inched toward her gun, only a small part of her feeling silly for doing so. "Alex?" she called, peering into the spotless, empty kitchen, which appeared just as it was left this morning. She headed into the living room, which was aglow with not only the ceiling light, but also the lamps that adorned each end table beside the couch. Olivia placed her hand more tightly on her gun, although she didn't release it from its holster. She made her way towards the back hallway, already expecting the light that she saw bathing the narrow walkway.<p>

"Alex?" she called again, but was met with silence.

She snatched her gun from her holster and put it defensively in front of her, her calm slowly slipping from her body as she flashed to the scene in her own apartment more than a week ago. She blinked, giving a violet shake of her head. "Alex," she whispered, her voice catching in her throat. Through the open bedroom doorway Olivia caught a glimpse of the empty bed, light strewn across it. She let out a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding. As Olivia crept inside the bedroom door, she heard the familiar sound of running water. She willed herself to relax, but couldn't keep her gaze from the bathroom door, which was closed, light streaming from underneath its edge. A small part of her was mindful that the fear she felt threatening to dismantle her would not have showed itself two weeks ago; tonight, however, she couldn't convince herself to put her gun back in her holster, a slow, steady panic keeping her on her guard.

"Alex," she whispered again, frustrated that her throat tightened around her words, stifling the sound. She held her gun up beside her chest and nudged the bathroom door open with her foot. She saw a flash of white near the sink and heard a ripping scream, unconscious of whether it came from her or the blonde in front of her, who sat perched on the counter holding a bottle of rubbing alcohol with one hand. The bottle came down hard in the sink as Alex jumped, its contents gurgling into the sink. Alex lurched from the counter, wincing has she came down uneasily on her left ankle.

Olivia dropped her gun, rushing toward the towel-clad attorney, who gripped a large cotton swab in her shaking left hand. "Alex!" she said, kneeling. "Alex – " she heaved, wishing she could steady her voice enough to speak.

Alex's startled blue eyes were wide. "Olivia – you – Jesus – " she said, her voice punching through in quick staccato jabs.

Olivia worked to steady her own breath, fighting what seemed to be a losing battle. "Alex, I'm so sorry, I thought – " She glanced down, shame overwhelming her as she watched her own hands shake. She fell back against the tub, the porcelain shockingly cool through her thin shirt. "I thought you were at dinner – I tried to call – "

Alex rested her head against the cabinet behind her, putting a hand to her forehead. "My phone's in my purse," she said, covering her eyes as an anxious giggle traveled up her stomach. She let out what was between a laugh and a cracked sigh, the sound echoing through the small bathroom. Relief settled into her, and she was afraid for a moment that her chuckles would turn into cries if she let them. Her gaze locked onto the brunette in front of her, who had her head hunched towards her chest, which was visibly heaving. Alex quieted her laughter and attempted to maneuver herself over to Olivia, as the detective's quiet sobs reaching her ears. She reached a hand out to touch Olivia's forearm, distressed by the woman's silent tears.

"Olivia, it's okay," she said. "Olivia, look at me."

The detective kept her head down, her shoulders bobbing with quiet cries as Alex rubbed a hand gently across her back. She leaned against the tub, keeping her ministrations going as she murmured to the detective, attempting to comfort her. After a few moments, she felt Olivia's breathing deepen, and felt a shift underneath her hand. She watched as Olivia rubbed a hard fist furiously against her eyes before raising her head, redness framing her bloodshot eyes. "Clearly, that frightened me," she said, attempting to let out a half-smile. She looked over at Alex, not sure whether the tears in the blue eyes were from laughter, pain, relief, or all three. "I'm sorry," she said. "You're home earlier than I thought you'd be."

Alex shook her head, giving her a warm smile, relief welling into her chest. "Olivia, don't be sorry. I should have called on my way home from dinner. I didn't want to bother you if you were still working."

Olivia's eyes ran across Alex's towel, toward the scars that permeated her skin above her right breast. The attorney quickly put a hand up to cover them. "I was just getting ready for bed," she said, fully aware that she had not let Olivia in on her new nightly routine of caring for her wounds.

Olivia pulled her gaze away from the blonde's stitches, looking helplessly down at her hands. "Alex, I'm so sorry I freaked out. I got truly scared. I'm sorry." She fumbled with her fingers for a moment, finally clasping them in her lap. She felt Alex's hand on them.

"I'm sorry I frightened you," the attorney said "You okay?"

Olivia nodded silently, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Will you help me up?" Alex asked, reaching out a hand, in an effort to calm both herself and the detective. "It's okay," she assured the brunette as she clasped her hand, allowing the detective to pull her upwards. She gave a quick yank on her towel as she steadied herself at the sink.

Olivia stood behind her, watching her through the mirror. "Can I help with anything?" she asked.

"No – I got it." Alex lifted the bottle of alcohol from the sink, swishing it to find that there was some liquid left in the bottom of the bottle.

Olivia sighed, and gave a small nod as she exited the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She sat quietly on the bed, going back over the past few minutes in her head, embarrassed by her overreaction. She pulled herself from her thoughts after a few moments, and had only managed to slip her shoes off before Alex stepped out of the bathroom fully clothed, her long pajama pants and long-sleeved shirt effectively covering any sign of the stitches. She stood for a moment in front of the brunette and they both exchanged a silent glance. "Everything all right?" Olivia asked. "Didn't you have a doctors appointment today?"

Alex nodded. "Yep. She blessed me with a few new prescriptions after I blessed her with a few angry words."

Olivia gave a small smile. "Everybody wins," she said.

Alex nodded silently. "I left you some dinner in the fridge." She walked over to the seated detective and ran her fingers lightly through the brunette locks. "You want to talk about what just happened?" she asked lightly, concern edging her eyes as she sat down next to her.

"I want to talk about more than what _just_ happened," Olivia murmured, keeping her head down, only raising it when she felt Alex remove her fingers from her hair. She could almost feel the attorney tense, despite the fact that they weren't touching.

"What do you want to talk about?" Alex asked.

Olivia shook her head. "I don't want the ball in my court, Alex, I just want you to know that I'm here. You don't have to protect me from your fear, your anxiety… your injuries," she said, allowing her gaze to wander toward the hem of Alex's pajama top.

"You think I'm protecting _you_?" Alex asked, and Olivia heard the escalation in her tone, grimacing internally. "I'm just trying to preserve some sense of self here, Olivia. I don't even know how I feel from moment to moment." She gave a soft sigh, but her hand returned to Olivia's, capturing the detective's fingers in her own. "If you haven't noticed, I'm a little bit of a mess over here. So I'm sorry if I'm not sharing every schizophrenic thought that runs through my head."

"But you can," Olivia prompted, giving Alex's hand a squeeze.

"If I did, I would drive both of us crazy."

Olivia couldn't help the guffaw that slipped from her lips, which came more from frustration than humor. "You don't think silence is driving me crazy? I just romped through your apartment with my gun drawn, Alex." She couldn't help the smile that fell from her lips as she looked back at the blonde next to her, taking some relief in the smile reflected back at her.

"As long as we're crazy together, right?" She felt Alex shift next to her, felt a touch on her cheek as the attorney framed her jaw with her hand, turning the brunette's eyes towards her. "Please just give me some time," Alex said, her own eyes pleading. Her expression changed, and she probed deeper, staring into the brown orbs in front of her. Olivia waited, about to break the silence, when Alex cut her off. "What happened to me wasn't your fault, Olivia. Please don't mistake me not talking about it for blame, please don't do that." Alex ran a hand through the brown hair, down her jaw line, and cupped the back of her neck. "I promise I'll try to be more open," she said, leaning into the brunette. "But you have to promise me that you'll try not blaming yourself."

"That's a tall order," Olivia responded softly, but gave a slight nod of her head.

"Speaking of a tall order, there's a ton of food waiting for you. Helen ordered enough to feed us for a week." She lifted Olivia's hand to her lips, giving it a light kiss. "Want me to warm some up for you?" she asked.

Olivia shook her head. "I'll get it," she said. "If you let me help you into the kitchen, I'll let you sit with me," she bargained.

"Sounds riveting," Alex said, giving a playful smile as she leaned down, picking up her crutch. "I do want to hear about your day," she said as Olivia held her elbow. "How was it?"

Olivia shrugged. "Uneventful," she said, her mind drifting toward her coffee with Jessica Flanagan, pushing back the guilt that she felt, knowing that it was a part of her day that she would not be sharing with the woman next to her.

* * *

><p><strong>This is more of a reassurance that I am still working on this, despite a short absence. Bear with me, keep reviewing, and I promise there will be a resolution soon...<strong>


	19. Chapter 19

**Friday, August 5**

Alex used the palm of her hand to push down slowly on the top of the French press, watching as the darkened liquid swished inside. She poured two cups of coffee, setting the press aside as Liz leaned over the counter to take one of the mugs. She took a sip, black, and fixed her eyes on the younger blonde in front of her, who commanded the kitchen as if she wasn't limping around with one crutch under her shoulder. Her eyes ran over the spotless counter, and she watched as Alex ran a sponge along its surface, despite the fact that it was already immaculately clean.

"How has therapy been going?" Liz asked, wrapping both of her hands around her mug and setting it down in front of her.

Alex gave her a sidelong stare as she rinsed the French press, pouring the grounds out into the sink and switching on the garbage disposal. She let it gurgle for a second, switching it off before responding, somewhat curtly, "Are you asking as my friend or as my supervisor?"

Liz raised an eyebrow at the sly remark, but didn't offer an answer. "At least it's helping you to regain your _spiteful_ tone," she said, with a pleased curl of her lip.

"Then I guess it's going fine," Alex said. She glanced towards her own full cup of coffee, then toward the dining room, hesitating for a moment as she looked over at Liz. "Do you mind setting my coffee on the dining room table for me?" she asked.

Liz feigned surprise before giving her a pleased nod. "I see therapy's somewhat productive – at least you're asking for help these days," she said, grabbing both cups and carrying them into the dining room.

"It's temporary," Alex replied, following her boss into the room, taking a seat at the head of the table.

"Therapy or asking for support?"

"Both," Alex responded dryly. She sighed, giving the table an annoyed slap of her hand. "Shit, I forgot my notes."

"By all means," Liz said, scooting her chair back, "while you're in your temporary phase, let me help you." She gave a slight smile as she rounded the table.

"Thanks, Liz," Alex said, giving her a slight grin. "They're on the bed in the office – the yellow note pad." She took a sip of her coffee, noting the soreness that still shot through her right shoulder. She thought about taking an Advil, but decided to tough it out for the time being, making a mental note to try out some of the rehabilitative exercises the doctor had showed her a few days earlier. She glanced over at Liz's notes, which already lay scattered on the table, the older woman's glasses perched on top of them, along with a ballpoint pen. Alex pushed her own black-rimmed glasses further up on her nose as Liz returned, carrying Alex's familiar yellow legal pad.

"Thank you," she said, reaching for the notepad. "The gratitude's temporary, too," she joked, smiling to herself as her boss took her seat. Liz didn't return the smile, instead gesturing toward the pad, where Alex had scribbled notes across the entire page, covering even the margins. "I see you've been busy," she said.

"I made a few notes," Alex offered, ignoring the concern in Liz's tone, her finger grazing slowly down the page. She flipped it over, revealing another page, this one also completely covered in her jagged scrawl. She pressed her pen to her lip, gazing at the page thoughtfully. "I think it's helpful if we go through the full sequencing of the night, from the initial asphyxiation, the struggle, pinpoint the moment of identification, then go through the sexual assault." She turned her head up from her notes and fixed a flat gaze on her boss. "Exactly as it happened."

Liz was briefly taken aback by the unemotional tone, as if the younger attorney was describing Jessica Flanagan's potential testimony, and not her own. "Alex," Liz began, her words failing her as she trailed off.

Alex kept her eyes on her. "Were you thinking of a different angle? ID first, then go through the events?"

Liz averted her gaze, looking down at Alex's notes. "When did you do all of this?"

She shrugged. "Over the past couple of nights. I haven't been sleeping well."

Liz studied her, taking in the dark circles under her eyes that seemed as if they had been there since the day she had woken up in the hospital. For the first time Liz found herself wishing that the date of the trial would come sooner rather than later; despite the outcome, she wanted for the woman in front of her was a sense of closure. And if she was lucky, peace of mind.

"Liz? What do you think?" Alex asked, pulling her out of her thoughts.

Against her better judgment, Liz gave a slight nod, opting to continue with the prep. She sifted through her notes and slipped her glasses onto her nose. "The best tactic will be to build the narrative," she agreed. "You giving a description of what happened, then focusing on the identification of Chandler as the man who raped you." She quickly glanced up at Alex, observing her. The blonde gave a quick nod, her own dark-rimmed glasses slipping down her nose as she gazed down at her notepad. Liz cleared her throat. "Would you like to start? Tell me what happened the night of July 27," she said.

Alex lifted her head and fixed her gaze just ahead of her, onto the table. She took a breath, and began. "I arrived at Olivia Benson's apartment at approximately 8:30 and let myself in. I spent some time in the kitchen, poured a glass of wine – " she looked up at Liz, as if to emphasize her next point – "but didn't drink any. I set the glass on the counter and walked towards the back bedroom, where I noticed the bedroom window was open. Before I could move, I felt a tightening around my neck, like a wire." Liz watched as Alex's hand subconsciously rose towards her own neck, her fingers lightly grazing over the pale skin, which less than a week ago had been raw and bruised. "We struggled; I kicked him and managed to run towards the next room, but I was knocked down by a hard object on my back, then on my ankle. I struggled to regain my footing and once again got back on my feet, which is when I managed to pull off the black mask that he was wearing." She glanced up at Liz, her eyes moving slowly, as if she were drugged. "Is this where you want to make the ID?" she asked, almost clinically.

Liz nodded carefully. "I'll ask if you got a good look at his face, then ask you to describe his features. Then I'll ask you to point him out for the jury."

Alex tapped her pen gently on her lip. "Great." She looked up from her notes once again, her eyes emotionless. "I did see his face, that's how I knew I had seen him before. The green eyes, the thin nose, the cropped brown hair." She looked back at Liz again. "You'll re-emphasize that I'd seen him before?"

Liz nodded, rehearsing her question. "Where did you see him?"

"At the police precinct the week before. He was brought in for questioning in regards to sexual assault and murder."

Liz nodded. "Good. And who was the man that you saw at the precinct?"

"Raymond Chandler."

"And who was the man that attacked you?"

"Raymond Chandler."

"Are you positive?"

Alex raised her gaze toward Liz, unflinching. "I'm positive."

Liz let out an extended sigh. "Good," she said, glancing up at Alex to gauge her demeanor. She wasn't all too sure that they should continue. "You need a break?" she asked, hoping her voice sounded more casual than she was.

Alex shook her head, wanting badly to maintain the numbness that she felt creeping into her mind; it made things easier. "Let's finish."

Liz nodded, studying the younger blonde over the rim of her glasses. "Okay," she said. "Do you want to tell me what happened after you saw him?"

Alex once again focused her gaze a few inches in front of her. "After I recognized him, I tried to run again, but he tackled me again and straddled me – " she looked up at Liz. "I could still see his eyes. He was looking straight at me with those green eyes." She paused. "Should I say that again?"

Liz nodded gently. "I'll stop you, clarify that his mask was still off, and that you could still see his face."

Alex bobbed her head before continuing. "He knocked my head into the floor. I lost consciousness for a few minutes. When I woke up, I was on the bed. I couldn't see him anymore; he had put his mask back on. I saw he had a knife, which he used to cut my clothes off and then he cut me on my chest and on my thigh." Liz swallowed, looking down at her notes, watching the words on the page blur together as Alex's voice became more robotic as she continued. "He penetrated me with a hard object and then he raped me. I lost consciousness soon after that, and didn't see him leave." Alex paused, taking a breath as she kept her gaze vacant. It was as if she had heard someone else describe her attack. She went to take a sip of her coffee, but decided against it as she saw her hands shaking in her lap. She glanced up at Liz. "Am I too robotic?" she asked, newly concerned, her eyes widening. "Do you think a jury will feel empathetic towards me?"

Liz felt her jaw clench and she removed her glasses, rubbing the bridge of her nose in order to keep her eyes from watering over. She struggled to keep her throat from tightening as she answered, "You're doing fine."

Alex gave Liz a trusting nod before looking down at her notes again, moving on to the next page. "The defense will bring up my relationship with Olivia," she said, her eyes tired.

"Yes," Liz responded, putting her glasses back on, regaining her composure. "Your job is to – "

" – make sure they don't spend too much time on it," Alex continued, her tone mechanical as she made another note on her pad.

Liz forced herself to nod. "Alex – "

"You'll interrupt her questioning with some objections, just to ensure that she can't keep her flow going?" The same perfunctory tone.

Liz nodded once again, this time holding up a hand as if to ask for silence.

"And the Medical Examiner will attest to the similarity between all of our injuries? The hash marks?"

"Alex," Liz said, more authoritatively, reaching her hand toward the younger attorney's notepad.

Alex quickly snatched it from her boss' prying fingers, her eyes narrowing. "What's wrong?"

"I think we need a break."

"I don't need a break, Liz," Alex said, feeling the adrenaline coursing through her. "I'm fine talking about it."

Liz pinned a concerned gaze on her, but couldn't help her harsh tone. "And does that come with therapy, too?"

Alex paused, allowing silence to drift uncomfortably through the room as she stared downward, her pen rolling away from her, its sound permeating the quietness. "No," she replied, surprised by her answer. "That comes from wanting to be back in control."

Liz nodded, intercepting the pen that still rolled lazily across the table. "That's understandable." She leaned toward the blonde, placing the pen back on top of her notepad. "Remember, Alex, you have the control in that courtroom. No one there can make you give that up."

Alex looked up at her, and Liz was pleased to see a quiet confidence replace the vacancy that had permeated her gaze. "Liz, I want Olivia to be there."

Liz looked up at her, surprised. "Of course," she replied, tossing her hand. "Why wouldn't she be there?"

Alex glanced down at her notes before speaking. "If the defense is going to be harping on our relationship, I didn't know if it was best if she be there. It might make us look attached." The end of her sentence rose, as if she was asking a question. "But, I don't care," she continued. "I want her there."

Liz reached for her mug. "Of course," she said, taking a sip. "I wouldn't have tried to keep her out of that courtroom, anyway. Neither of us would have succeeded at that."

"Do you remember what you told me in your office? When you asked me if I was sure I wanted to date a cop?" Alex let out a derisive chuckle, but her eyes were wide.

"Alex, I didn't – "

"I feel safe with her."

Liz looked at her, unsure of what Alex wanted to hear. "Well, that's – "

"Ironic, huh?" Alex answered, here eyes still wide with thought. "That's why I want her there, in the courtroom." She heard Olivia's plea from a few nights earlier echo in her head. She knew she needed to open up, if only to ensure that Olivia didn't have to hear her first explanation of that night from a witness stand, facing a sea of people, including her attacker. She felt an overwhelming sense of warmth, for the first time since her assault wanting to wrap her arms around her girlfriend. She glanced quickly at her watch, noting it would be hours before Olivia came home. She looked over at Liz, who monitored her expression over the rim of her glasses.

"Whatever just happened for you there," she said, gesturing towards Alex's newly relaxed expression, the repose of her shoulders, "I'm guessing it's not the therapy."

Alex smiled, pushing her notepad away from her and taking another sip of her coffee. "You going to head back to the office?" she asked.

Liz shook her head, removing her glasses and setting them beside her, knowing all too well that Alex would spend the day on her feet, attempting to occupy herself, rather than rest. She'd already planned on a way to keep the attorney at ease. "Not quite. I thought, since you're technically on leave, I could run a few thoughts by you. About a few cases that have popped up. Ascertain your opinion on them." She pursed her lips, mostly in order to contain her smile as Alex's eyes flashed brightly. The younger attorney leaned back in her chair, authoritatively pushing her glasses higher onto her nose.

"Of course," she said, her voice confident. "What do you got?"

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday, August 6<strong>

Alex shuffled down the hallway, the throbbing in her shoulder especially pertinent. The grogginess she felt permeating her head only served as a reminder of why she generally refused to take sleeping pills. The one she had popped the night before was a last ditch effort to allow both herself and Olivia some well-deserved sleep, free from nightmares. She heard the murmur of Olivia's voice as she walked through the living room, and gave a small smile toward the detective, who sat perched on the couch with her phone to her ear. Alex bent over and placed a kiss on the brunette's head, and Olivia reached a hand up to gently clasp her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. The attorney appreciated the touch, much as she'd appreciated Olivia's arm draped gently over her stomach last night as she'd become drowsy, the sleeping pill finally kicking in as she drifted off to sleep. She hadn't spoken at length to Olivia about the night of the attack, but still, they hadn't had that level of physical closeness in more than a week.

Alex shuffled over to the bar, sifting through the mail on the counter, ripping into the red Netflix envelope that distinguished itself from the bills and junk mail. She cringed at the title, one she didn't recognize, and tossed the envelope into the living room, watching as it clattered against the television before falling to the floor. She turned back towards the kitchen, but heard Olivia's voice call from behind her.

"Was it that bad?" the detective asked, tossing her cell phone onto coffee table.

"I'm sick of movies," Alex replied, making her way toward the kitchen, running a hand through her tussled hair. "Was that work?" she asked, referring to Olivia's phone call.

Olivia nodded, rising from the couch and bending over gently to pick up the abandoned DVD. "Just a non-lead. Boys over at the Queens precinct wanted to make sure they ruined my weekend as early as possible." She gave Alex a half-frown as she tossed the DVD back onto the counter, following her into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Alex responded. "But don't let it ruin your weekend." She gestured toward the sunshine that streamed through her living room window. "Why don't you go for a run? Exert some of that energy I know you have pent up inside you."

Olivia shook her head, opening the refrigerator door, turning her nose up at her options. "Let's get breakfast," she suggested, swinging the door shut and walking over to where Alex rested on the counter. "I mean, I'm no Aunt Helen, but I can think of a few ways to keep you occupied for the day."

Alex smiled. "I don't doubt you," she said, rubbing the back of her neck, cinching her brow as she felt the tenseness. "Breakfast sounds good," she agreed.

"Is your neck tight?" Olivia asked.

Alex gave a small nod. "I'm not one to sleep on my back. This whole busted shoulder and ankle is really wreaking havoc on my sleep." She smiled to herself. "So is the not sleeping, I guess," she said, shrugging.

"Let me try and rub it out," Olivia said, her tone rising at the end, as if asking permission. She guided Alex slowly to one of the barstools, and stepped behind her. She placed her hands on the attorney's lithe neck, kneading gently, making sure to steer clear of the injured shoulder. She felt Alex initially tense, then slowly loosen, her shoulders relaxing under the detective's touch.

"That feels nice," Alex murmured softly, allowing herself to fall into Olivia's hands, into the touch that she hadn't felt in so long. The brunette smiled, kneading the tenseness for a few moments longer before placing a soft kiss on the crown of Alex's head. She decided to use the intimacy to her advantage. "How about after breakfast, we sit around at the park for awhile, do some people watching? We can come back and I can run you a bath, let you relax a little more."

Alex tugged herself away from Olivia's hands and turned in her chair, peering up at her. "That sounds like a Sunday," she said with a smile.

"Then what are Saturdays for?" Olivia asked. "We've got the whole weekend."

"I hope you were serious about not wanting that workout," Alex warned. "I can guarantee you that, as slow as I'm moving, a walk in the park with me will be far from physical exertion."

Olivia waltzed around Alex, watching as her mouth curled into a small half-smile, and she couldn't resist placing a light kiss on the attorney's lips. She pulled back almost immediately, her eyes widening apologetically; she hadn't kissed those lips in over a week. Alex looked at her, surprised at the sudden recoil, then her gaze softened. "Hey," she said, cupping the detective's jaw, "I'm okay with a little affection now and then." She smiled, pulling Olivia back towards her and giving her a small, intimate kiss, parting her lips slightly. "I trust you," she said.

Olivia ran a hand along Alex's cheek, against the bruises that now just faintly outlined her jaw. "That means a lot," she said softly, resisting the urge to kiss her again. "But do you trust me to choose a brunch spot?" she asked, grinning.

Alex laughed, giving a quick shake of her head. "No – you wouldn't know a good poached egg if it smacked you ," she said playfully. She moved herself off the barstool. "I'm going to get ready," she said. "Give me – " she thought for a moment – "about a half hour?"

"Won't it take you that long just to hobble back to the bedroom?" Olivia teased.

"Wait and find out," Alex smirked, exaggerating her slowness as she made her way back to the bedroom, giving Olivia a small grin over her shoulder.

* * *

><p>Olivia felt a droplet of sweat tickle her spine as it pooled at the small of her back. She may not be getting in her usual run, but omnipresent sun was making sure she felt its heat; she and Alex had gotten lucky by finding a bench in the shade. They sat side by side, Olivia's arm stretched out behind her, Alex leaning haphazardly into her shoulder. "What do you think?" Olivia asked, nodding her head towards an older, gray-haired man who walked beside a young, college-aged woman. "Dating, mating, or family?"<p>

Alex followed Olivia's gaze, and suppressed a laugh. "It's New York. Of course they're dating." She kept her gaze on the couple as they walked by, resting her head on the detective's shoulder. "Last thing he wants to do is knock her up," she assessed.

"Mistress, then?"

"She's too inexperienced to keep up an affair. They met at a gallery opening in Chelsea, he did the PR for it, she's an aspiring artist. She doesn't even know he's married."

Olivia exhaled, letting out a low whistle. "You are cynical, Ms. Cabot."

"I suppose you think they're happily in love?" Alex teased. She nodded toward another woman, who was approaching, swinging her arms vigorously, in true power walk fashion, as a baby dangled from the holster across her chest, the little legs bouncing. "What about her?"

Olivia pretended to think seriously for a moment. "That's not her baby. It's her sister's. She just likes to power walk around the park with him, gives some added boost to building her core."

Alex giggled under her breath. "She buys him baby tracksuits, but his mom throws them out, because she's still conscious of the fact that she hasn't lost her baby weight."

"What would people say about us?"

"Look at those two bitches talking shit about everyone."

Olivia laughed, nodding her head in reluctant agreement.

"Or they'd say, who is that lucky girl, sitting next to that beautiful woman?" She trailed her eyes up to Olivia. "Does that _brunette_ realize how lucky she is?" She gave a teasing smile, and felt Olivia's chest rise in laughter as she tossed her head back.

"I can't argue with that. I'm pretty lucky."

Alex felt the need to continue the light conversation; anything to keep her mind off the fact that what she really thought was that people could look at her and _know_. That girl was raped. She knew it was a ridiculous notion, but she'd been used to having those lately. She felt every single pair of eyes on her, and felt her scars blaring through her clothes, like lightning bolts, notifying everyone that, yes, she was a victim. Her eyes fell across the park, at a man a couple of benches down, and she raised her head slightly to get a better look at him. He wasn't looking at her, but she could see his pale skin, white in the sun, his closely cropped hair. He wore dark pants, and a dark shirt, too dark for such a sunny day. He sat with his hands in his lap, his eyes staring at people as they walked past. She couldn't see his eyes, but she imagined they were green. Bright green.

Olivia trailed off, glancing over at Alex, whose body had become rigid beside her. Olivia followed her gaze towards a lone man, who sat opposite them a few benches down. Olivia noticed his brown, cropped hair, his dark clothing. "Alex," she said, touching her hand to the blonde's forearm. The attorney didn't answer, but instead kept staring at the man. He looked over at her, and tipped his head politely towards her. Olivia felt Alex shudder under arm, and quickly turn her head downward. "I think I'm ready to go," she said softly.

Olivia nodded, and helped Alex off of the bench. The walked quietly, in the opposite direction as the man on the bench. Olivia spoke first, shielding the sun from her eyes. "It's warm out here, huh?" she asked.

Alex nodded. "Yeah."

Olivia kept her gaze straight ahead of her, but continued, her voice gentle. "That will happen from time to time," she said softly, referring to the incident with the stranger.

She felt Alex glance at her briefly. "I guess." She felt a familiar dread bubbling slowly in her stomach. She didn't feel like telling Olivia that it had happened more than from time to time. She glanced toward the brunette next to her, forcing a smile, forcing the dark clothing, the green eyes out of her head. "I don't think I'd mind watching that movie," she said. "You want to stop and pick up some frozen yogurt?"

Olivia looked over at her, recognizing the forced smile, the saccharine lightness that Alex attempted, in order to cover up the anxiety she'd clearly felt a few minutes before. "That sounds good," she responded, playing up the normality.

The two women walked the rest of the way to the car in silence, and Olivia could feel Alex's quietness creeping into her own psyche as she helped the attorney climb into the car. They drove for a few moments in silence before Olivia attempted conversation. "You want to invite Helen and Bill over for dinner one night next week?" she asked as she drove, attempting to pull Alex out of her silence.

Alex looked over at her, as if she had forgotten Olivia was in the car. "Yeah," she said, but gave a shake of her head. "No. I kind of just like it being the two us. Maybe once the trial is over…?" she trailed off, a part of her feeling foolish for thinking anything would change after the completion of the trial. She'd still be attending therapy, still be trying to deal with the same feelings that popped up inside her day in and day out.

Olivia nodded, changing lanes before making a turn, lightly honking her horn at a delivery van that seemed intent on invading her lane. "Drive, asshole!" she called out of the open window. She pulled up to a curb in front of small storefront, and gave Alex a conspiratorial glance. "Let's see how long it takes before the meter maid comes for you," she said, winking as she climbed out of the car.

"Remember, you're only buying frozen yogurt, Benson," Alex called as Olivia rounded the car and headed toward the entrance. "No chocolate chips, no chocolate syrup. This is a healthy dessert run!" Olivia waved at her, not turning towards her as she ducked inside.

Once inside, Olivia grabbed a basket and headed immediately toward the junk aisle. She grabbed a box of chocolate chip cookies, giving it an appraising glance as she tossed it into the basket. "Chocolate syrup," she murmured to herself as she headed down the row, her eyes grazing over the shelf. She smiled as she spotted a bottle, and settled it into the basket, heading quickly towards the frozen display cases in the back of the store. She stood, her finger placed thoughtfully against her lip as she scanned the shelf, deciding on mint chocolate chip, what she deemed a safe bet. She turned, and her eye caught a flash of shoulder-length blonde hair at the end of the aisle. She did a double take, and immediately recognized the prone figure of Jessica Flanagan, who stood stoically at the corner of the wine aisle several yards away, her expression frozen in a look of vacant horror. A stock boy looked questionably up at her. "Ma'am?" he said. "Did you want the Malbec?" he asked, attempting to hand her a bottle. Olivia walked towards her, recognizing the empty stare that Jessica gave the employee, and saw her shopping basket trembling slightly in her hand. Jessica managed to give a quick shake of her head and moved quickly around the corner of the aisle, her eyes on the floor, running blindly into the detective. "Oh!" she cried, dropping her basket, goods spilling out of it and rolling myriad ways across the tile floor. Olivia reached out a hand to steady her, giving her a concerned look, feeling the woman's body shaking under her touch.

"Jessica?" she said, peering at her.

The vacant blue eyes focused, and Olivia saw recognition flash across them. "Olivia," she said, clearly surprised. Her gaze turned to one of relief. "What are you doing here?" She gave sheepish shrug. "Besides watching me embarrass myself," she said as she knelt down and began picking up her dropped items.

Olivia scrambled across the aisle, chasing down a can of tuna and a couple of other rogue avocados, dropping them gently back into the blonde's basket. "I'm picking up some vice food," she said, nodding toward her junk food.

Jessica nodded, placing a box of pasta back in her basket as she stood. "Can't blame you for that."

Olivia studied her. "You okay?" she asked.

Jessica eyed her, and gave a slight shrug. "It's an off day," she replied meekly.

"How do you deal with an off day?"

Jessica shifted her basket, giving Olivia a curious gaze. "I used to deal with it by picking up a bottle of wine," she said. "Doesn't seem like that works anymore."

"There's always Scotch," Olivia suggested, attempting to give her a comforting smile.

Jessica nodded. "Indeed," she replied.

"How's Megan doing?"

Jessica's eyes drooped, and she frowned for a moment before responding. "She's fine," she said quickly.

"Good," Olivia replied conversationally. "I think about her from time to time, too," she continued. "Sometimes it's difficult for partners. They don't know how best to help…" she found her mind drifting, working hard to pull her thoughts back. "It's hard."

Jessica peered at her carefully, giving Olivia a look that she couldn't quite read, as she blurted out, "Megan left." Her face flushed immediately, and she shook her head, confusion plastering her features. "I'm sorry," she said, horrified at her candor. "I'm sorry. Do people always mistake you for a therapist or is it just me?" She gave an embarrassed shrug, looking down into her basket, her fingers fumbling over the handle.

Olivia frowned, a mixture of empathy and fear passing through her eyes. "Jessica, I – I'm so sorry. I – that's – I'm surprised," she stammered. "What the hell happened?"

Megan shrugged, a hopeless gesture, her shoulders seeming weighted. "Who knows why people do things? I quit trying to figure that out about three weeks ago." She tugged her basket further up her arm, and gave a quick look towards the front of the store. "I should probably get going she said. And you don't want your ice cream to melt."

"Jessica, if you want to grab coffee again, just say the word. I got a lot out of our last conversation."

Jessica nodded, giving Olivia an empathetic look. "Because of Alex?" she asked softly. Olivia's mouth hung open for a moment, but she didn't speak. Jessica quickly continued. "Liz was candid when I spoke with her yesterday. She wanted to make sure I was fully aware of all the defense's angles, and that specifically involved you and Alex." She gave a smile, attempting to lighten the moment. "Your secret is safe with me, the trial transcript, and the state of New York, I assure you."

Olivia let out a nervous chuckle. "Right," she said.

Jessica studied her for a moment, her blue eyes filled with a certain sadness. "I know it's difficult for partners. Just give her time. I'm more than certain you're constantly on her mind," she said.

Olivia nodded, and Jessica gave her one last look before turning towards the front of the store. "Jessica," Olivia said, and the blonde glanced at her over her shoulder. "Off days are normal," she said, giving her a reassuring nod. "If you ever need to talk…"

"I'll call my therapist," she replied with a resigned smile. "I'll see you at the trial, Olivia. Take care." Jessica turned, leaving Olivia alone with a quickly melting pint of mint chocolate chip.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who consistently review. Makes me think I'm doing something right. <strong>


	20. Chapter 20

**Wednesday, August 10**

Cragen stepped out of his office, his eyes scanning the room briefly before walking towards Olivia, who sat at her desk. As he got closer, he saw that she was vigorously scanning a Google map, jotting down numbers on a pad of paper in front of her. She glanced up as his shadow hovered over her. "What's up, Captain?" she asked.

Cragen motioned back towards his office. "Just got off a call with Donnelly. She just got out of judge's chambers, sounds like she's on the warpath. Defense has motioned to drop the charges."

"What?" Olivia asked, dropping her pen onto her desk. "That's preposterous. We've got an eyewitness."

Cragen nodded, familiar with the rationalization, as he'd just used it with the Bureau Chief, to no avail. "For one assault. Not for the other two." He gave Olivia a pointed look. "Defense is looking to drop the charges for murder and the Flanagan assault." He gave her an empathetic look. "I just thought I'd warn you. She's on her way over."

Olivia sighed, exuding a quiet groan as her shoulders slumped. "I could've saved her a trip. We got nothing new."

Cragen shook his head. "I don't think she's looking for new information. I think she's looking for blood." He looked down at her, feigning anxiety, and giving her a wink. "I'll be back in my office."

Olivia curled her lip up, and gave him an understanding nod. "Right." She watched as he walked back to his office, shutting the door behind him. She returned her gaze to her computer screen, copying down a few telephone numbers of impound lots in New Jersey. It was a stretch, but what the hell. Maybe she could use it to keep Liz at bay. She heard the Bureau Chief's footsteps before she saw her, the heels clicking aggressively across the tile floor. She looked up, expecting a gaze that was far from the sympathetic one she'd gotten earlier in the week when Liz had offered her a ride home.

Sure enough, the attorney stomped into the precinct, her expression blazing fire, and directed towards Olivia. Liz walked over and slammed a small folded sheet of paper onto the detective's desk. "When were you going to tell me about this?" she hissed.

Olivia unfolded the document, which had an official seal on the outside of it, but she felt confusion rising in her as she read the unexpected words. "A restraining order?" She looked up at Liz, puzzled.

"A _request_ for a restraining order. Against _you_."

"From Raymond Chandler? What the hell good's that do? He's in jail." Olivia's voice held just as much bewilderment as her eyes.

Liz snatched the document away from her. "He won't get the goddamn restraining order invoked after I manage to pull some strings. But his request is still on record, and don't think the defense won't bring it up at trial." She narrowed her eyes at Olivia, her tone disbelieving as she asked, "You _stalked_ Chandler before he was charged? Why the hell am I only finding this out during discovery?"

Olivia stared up at her, unblinking. "I didn't _stalk_ him," she spat, her eyes flaring defensively. "I _tailed_ him – for a weekend, to make sure that – "

"Were you ordered by your Captain to do that?"

Olivia's brain was still stuck on meting out the new information, only vaguely processing the trouble she was in; she stalled, unintentionally, her mind moving slowly. "What? No, Cragen didn't have anything to do with it."

"You're hell bent on fucking up my case, Benson." Liz crossed her arms over her chest, staring down her nose at the detective, her nostrils flaring in pent up rage. Elizabeth Donnelly did not like to be caught off guard. "At least your stupidity won't take the department down with you."

Olivia shook her head, letting out a frustrated grin, fighting the urge to rise from her chair and go head to head with the attorney. "He's a rapist and a murderer - "

Liz leaned down toward her, arms still crossed over her chest, her head cocked, condescension oozing from her body language, which was not lost on Olivia. "Unfortunately, Detective, you don't get to decide that. A jury, a court of law decides that. And I guarantee you that when they hear about this, they're going to be that much more sympathetic to the defense's argument that you had it out for Chandler from the beginning. You just cast a large fucking shadow of doubt all over my case."

Elliot walked over, stirring a cup of coffee, realizing too late that he should have stayed where he was; his eyebrows raised as he caught a glimpse of Liz's fiery gaze. "What's going on?" he asked, looking between the two women.

Liz ignored him, her attention still directed toward the brunette sitting in front of her. "I suggest you let your Captain know about your extracurricular dedication to your job, Olivia. Or I'll have to."

Olivia met Liz's gaze with a stoic stare, more than aware that the Bureau Chief could have told her Cragen about the restraining order when she spoke with him earlier, and a fleeting feeling of gratitude ran through her. She nodded, only slightly, but the attorney's gaze didn't soften.

Elliot watched as the scene played out in front of him, ripping his eyes from it reluctantly as the phone on Olivia's desk rang. He took the quick liberty of reaching over to answer it. "Benson's phone," he said. Over him, Liz continued her berating.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he heard Liz ask, and Elliot put a finger to his uncovered ear in an attempt to block out the argument that continued beside, focusing intensely on the caller's words. His eyes widened for a moment, and he placed his cup of coffee onto his desk, scrambling for a pen. He scribbled something onto a random sticky note. "Thanks, Jim, we're on it." He placed the phone back in his holder and looked up at the heated conversation continuing above him.

"When has the DA's office _ever_ told you how to do your job?" Liz said, her eyes flashing. She thought for a split second before continuing, "Don't answer that."

Elliot saw Olivia take a breath to speak, but used the moment to cut in. "Excuse me," he said. "I just got some news that may make you both happy." he paused. "If that's even possible. We may have the car."

The two women ceased their squabble immediately, both looking down at him with open mouths. "Are you serious?" Olivia asked. "Where?"

"Garage in Queens. Account became delinquent for nonpayment, and they just had the car sent over to an impound lot."

"There are no garages charged to Chandler's credit card. We checked." Olivia refused to let her excitement escalate for another false lead.

Elliot shook his head. "Wasn't charged to his card. Charged to a Mr. Garth Balog. Card was reported stolen last week, which is why the garage is having the car impounded."

Olivia was already reaching for her phone, clipping it into her belt. She glanced down at her watch. "Let's beat it there, then," she said. She gave a meaningful glance at Liz, the reason for the Chief's visit still very much on her mind. "I'll tell Cragen in the morning. Give me until then."

Liz nodded, giving her an assessing eye. "Hopefully you'll have some evidence to redeem yourself by then."

Elliot looked up towards the entrance to the precinct, and his expression softened. Olivia and Liz followed his gaze. "Cabot," Elliot said genially as she walked towards them, a wooden cane at her side. "Nice cane."

Alex rolled her eyes. "A gift from my doctor this morning. Goes better with the orthopedic shoe."

"Couture, I'm certain," Munch piped up from his desk, giving her a slight wave as he walked towards the group. "Good to see you, Cabot."

Alex gave him a grin. "I didn't think I'd find you all in one place. I just got done with Joyce up the street, thought I'd walk over, see if the cane could withstand Manhattan rush hour."

"Maybe you're good luck," Elliot piped. "We just got a lead on the car."

Olivia put a hand up in clarification. "A lead on _a_ car," she corrected, still unwilling to play into any unwarranted enthusiasm.

"Oh." Alex nodded her head, all too aware of the false leads that Olivia had followed over the past two weeks. And sensitive to the disappointment and anger that radiated from the detective after the pointless follow-ups. She gave a quick glance at her girlfriend, assessing her reticence. "By all means, don't let me keep you. Every lead counts."

Elliot gave a quick glance at Olivia as he pocketed his cell phone and grabbed his car keys. "Let's roll?"

Olivia tossed him a nod and gave Alex's hand a quick squeeze as she rounded her desk. "How'd everything go today?" she asked softly.

Alex glanced at her, appreciating her nearness, and gave her hand a reciprocating grasp. "Good," she said. She let go of Olivia's hand and gave her a smile as Elliot moved towards the exit. "Good luck."

Olivia returned the smile. "I'll text you as soon as we're done." Alex nodded, watching as the two detectives walked briskly out of the precinct. She felt Liz's eyes already on her.

"I though Helen was taking you – "

" – to the doctor, yes. She did, we had lunch, and she dropped me off at therapy. Let's keep the nagging to a minimum, Liz." Alex turned towards her and gave her a sly grin. "Want to grab a coffee?" she asked. She waved her cane slightly. "Or does the cane intimidate you?"

Liz rolled her eyes. She had some catching up to do at the office, but for once she was glad to see Alex's blue eyes clear and untroubled. "Just see if you can keep up, Cabot," she said as she started out of the precinct.

* * *

><p>Olivia flipped the air conditioner vent towards her, tapping it with her fist in frustration. "Your passenger's vent is broken, Elliot."<p>

Elliot gave a quick nod of his head. "I know."

"Well, get it fixed."

"I don't ever sit over there."

Olivia reached over and pointed the vent next to the driver's side towards herself, eyeing Elliot as he narrowed his eyes at her actions, already feeling the cool air wafting over. "Get it fixed," she reiterated, leaning back in her seat. Her phone beeped, and she looked down at the text message that appeared on the screen, a smile uplifting her face.

_Heard about the motion and the order. Consider this my 'what-were-you-thinking' chastisement. I love you, be careful._

She placed the phone back in the cup holder; she had expected Liz to tell Alex about the restraining order request. Elliot spoke up as he quickly changed lanes, leaving Olivia gripping the door handle. "You know if it was anyone but Cragen, you would be off this case." He spoke casually, but Olivia could read the concern in his tone.

Olivia nodded. "If it were any other department, I'd be off this case."

"You know what you're gonna say to save your hide tomorrow?"

"The usual. I wasn't following him, a cop's word over a suspect's, it's a small world."

"But you were following him, Liv."

Olivia looked over at him, barely preventing herself from rolling her eyes. "You would have done the same thing, Elliot. You've followed your gut before."

Elliot nodded. "I have. It usually helps when there's evidence to back your gut up," he said, his serious tone belying the grin he gave her.

Olivia gestured toward the corner ahead. "Well, hopefully we're on our way to it."

Elliot nodded again as he pulled inside a graveled parking lot, a small brick building squatting in the middle of it. Acres of cars stood scattered about behind hit, a large, chain-link fence fitted around the lot. Olivia climbed out of the car and made her way toward the front of the building, where a small cutout plastic window held a sign that said, "Open." She peeked into the window, where a large, bulbous man sat smoking a cigar. "Yeah," he said in greeting, the cigar bobbing from his lips. Olivia wondered how he managed to smoke in the tiny office, where it seemed the only ventilation was the small hole that was cut into the plastic window.

"Detective Benson, NYPD. We're here about a 2001 Ford Taurus."

The guy nodded. "Yeah," he said again. "It was just brought in about an hour ago." He stood up from his roll-away chair, leaning down to the hole in the plastic, the cigar smoke wafting through it. "I'll be around in just a second. You wait there."

Olivia nodded, quickly moving out of the direction of the smoke as the wind wafted it into her face. Elliot walked up beside her, already looking through the chain-link fence as the man waddled around the side of the building, the cigar still dangling from his lips. He didn't speak, but merely grunted for the two of them to follow him through a door in the fence, which he opened with a vociferous squeak. Olivia and Elliot followed him through a maze of cars, stopping finally at a numbered space, where a 2001 black Taurus sat. The man tossed over a key to Olivia and turned away from them. "I'll be in the office. Bring the key back when you're done."

Olivia nodded as she caught the key with one hand, not waiting to watch him leave. She unlocked the door, quickly popping the trunk as Elliot walked around to it. She reached over to the glove compartment, opening it up, expecting the usual onslaught of napkins, old ketchup packets, and miscellaneous papers. She found nothing except a car registration, which let her know that the Taurus was registered to a Robert Chandler, from Bartlesville, Oklahoma. She breathed a sigh of relief, banging the dashboard with as much glee as she could muster. She continued her search. Although the dashboard was dusty and a little scratched, there seemed to be nothing out of place in the car. The floorboards were straight, the car old, but spotless. She opened up the middle console, finding nothing. It looked as if it had been scrubbed clean, the stale scent of bleach wafting up to her. Her stomach dropped as she continued looking through the car, lifting floorboards, sifting through pocket consoles in the front and back seats, but finding nothing less than a stray breath mint. Elliot walked around to her, resting an elbow on the open door. His eyes narrowed, and his face was serious. "I got nothing in the trunk," he said. "Not even a spare tire."

Olivia felt anger and a new fear rise in her chest as she lifted herself out of the backseat, her own rummaging just as unsuccessful. She stood outside the car, looking at Elliot over the roof as he stared back at her, disappointment framing his clenched jaw. He shook his head slowly, beating his hand softly against the roof.

"Fuck!" Olivia yelled, banging her fist on top of the car. "Fuck!" she screamed louder, her foot ramming into the tire. Elliot rounded the car and attempted to grab her arm, but she yanked it away. She rammed her fist into the black surface of the car, the pain searing up her arm, but she did it again and again, until her knuckles were raw and bleeding, and she no longer had the energy to pull away from Elliot's grasp. Hot, angry tears flowed down her cheeks as she sunk to her knees. Elliot heard the slow gait of the impound owner on the gravel.

"You find what you was looking for?" he asked, his eyes floating down to Olivia. Elliot shook his head, and the man shrugged, putting his cigar once again back to his lips as he turned and rambled back down the gravel towards his office. "Bring the key back when you're done," he called over his shoulder.

Elliot grimaced at him, then turned his attention back to his partner. "Liv," he said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Let's go. Nothing else we can do here."

Olivia jerked away from his touch as she stood slowly, working to conquer the fury that pooled inside her. "Nothing we can about any of this," she seethed, giving the tire one more loathsome kick, the pain in her foot doing nothing to alleviate her anger. The thought of going back to the precinct empty-handed, of facing Alex at home later, with nothing, absolutely nothing to help their case, made her chest hurt so hard she could barely breathe. She recognized her own fear, but most of all she felt the guilt and the shame boiling with in her.

* * *

><p>Elliot led the way through the precinct hallway, the ride home having been one of the most silent trips he'd taken with his partner. Olivia followed him, two steps behind, her head to the floor. She nearly ran into him as he stopped abruptly at the entrance to the department, looking towards their desks. Alex sat at Olivia's desk, her head leaned back as she stared up at the ceiling. Liz sat in his own chair, nursing a Starbucks cup, her fingernails tapping steadily against the plastic lid. She glanced over at the detectives as they walked closer. Alex pressed her head back down, her eyes on Olivia, who trailed in behind Elliot.<p>

"She wouldn't let me leave," the two attorneys said in unison, each pointing toward the other.

Olivia shook her head, putting her hands on her hips as she took a deep breath. She had already texted Alex from the car, notifying her that they were on their way back; she had not, however, delivered the bad news. Alex watched her, and could see the red rimming her eyes, the flush of her cheeks, almost hearing the bad. "No reason to wait," she said gruffly, disappointment edging her voice. "The car was completely clean. Not a trace of evidence." She glanced over at Elliot, then at Alex before looking down at the ground. "We're back at square one."

Liz sighed, placing her hands on either side of Elliot's chair. "Goddammit," she said, under her breath. She tapped the edge of the coffee cup lightly on the desk and flitted her eyes towards Alex, who was concentrating solely on the brunette detective standing near her.

Elliot tossed a quick look over his shoulder towards Cragen's closed office door, then glanced down at the two attorneys. "Captain still around?"

Liz nodded. "He's in his office."

Elliot tossed Olivia a look. "I'm going to go give him a rundown."

Liz raised herself from her seat, wanting to give the two younger women some privacy. "I'm coming with you." She glanced back over at Olivia. "I won't mention the restraining order. Yet." She gave her a pointed look, which Olivia returned with a thankful nod.

As Liz followed Elliot towards Cragen's office, Alex discreetly took Olivia's hand, pulling her closer. She peered up at her, assuaging the detective's mood underneath the austere mask she wore. "Liv, this type of thing happens all the time, okay? Don't get yourself down. Something will turn up."

Olivia gave her a small, weak smile, looking down at Alex as she perched on the desk. "Yeah," she said, attempting to keep her voice light. "I'm checking his apartment again tomorrow. Just to sate my own conscience." She sighed, looking straight out ahead of her, as if concentrating hard enough would help her realize the one thing she was missing in the case. She shook her head after a moment. "I was banking on something being in that car. A lockbox, a safe, whatever the hell that key goes to."

"It wasn't to a locker at work or anything?" Alex asked. As Olivia shook her head, the attorney rubbed a thumb over the detective's palm, wondering how best to allay the disappointment. "Why don't you and Elliot get a drink? You look like you could use one."

"Can't you?" Olivia questioned, looking down at her.

Alex shook her head, giving her a small smile. "Not on these meds, no." She nodded towards Cragen's office. "Liz and I will grab some dinner and I'll see you at home in an hour or two." She saw Olivia's hesitation, and spoke against it. "Liv, it's important that you're talking to someone, too, even if it's just a friend."

Olivia started to shake her head, but Alex spoke again. "Do what cops do," she said. "Bitch about it, drink on it, then get your resilience back, and live to fight another day on this case, okay?" She looked up at brunette hopefully, wanting to offer her more reassurance, but not wanting to overstep her boundaries. Olivia prided herself on keeping herself emotionally in check, and Alex wondered how best to comfort her.

Olivia pushed the thoughts of the case, the car, out of her mind for a moment, the blue eyes staring up at her only making it easier to forget about the setback. "How was the doctor this morning?" she asked.

Alex kept herself from rolling her eyes, but Olivia saw the annoyance; Alex didn't have much patience for doctors. "It was fine. The shoulder isn't healing as fast as they'd hoped. I could've told them that," she said, this time not masking her aggravation. "Otherwise, everything else is fine. Ribs are back in place, stitches will be out next week." She sighed, trying for a smile. "Golden."

"And your appointment with Joyce was good, too?"

Alex gave her a smile, appreciating the genuine interest that glimmered in Olivia's eyes. "It was very therapeutic," she said. This time, she glanced up at Olivia with concern. "Don't think that all your questions are going to make me forget about the fact that you performed an unauthorized tail on Chandler," she said. "What was that all about?"

Olivia sighed and rolled her head on her neck, stretching her shoulders. "I wanted to make sure we kept tabs on him. We had a serial on our hands, and I didn't want anyone else getting hurt." She cringed internally, Alex a very clear reminder that she had been able to protect no one over the course of the case.

"Olivia, don't take this as an official statement from the DA's office – remember, I'm on leave – but justice doesn't always prevail. We've prosecuted a huge number of cases with more evidence than this and things haven't gone our way."

"Your idea of a pep talk, Alex?" Olivia asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's my idea of honesty," she replied, her blue eyes clear. "I don't expect anything. From you, from Liz, from the court. Just remember that?" she asked hopefully.

Olivia heard Elliot and Liz walking out of Cragen's office, and gave Alex's hand an assenting squeeze as they approached, Cragen following behind them. He glanced at Olivia, and gave her a comforting nod. "Let's not beat ourselves up over this," he said, looking directly at her. "Go home, we'll give the apartment another run over tomorrow. If we have to, Liz, you and I can make a special visit to Riker's to talk with Chandler."

"I should go," Olivia piped in, her words faster than her thoughts.

Liz gave an exaggerated roll of her eyes as she glared pointedly at the detective. "Do you ever give up?"

Alex smiled, already preempting Olivia's response. She mouthed it along with her as the detective responded with a curt, "No."

* * *

><p>Olivia walked through the brightly lit hallway, shuffling silently toward Alex's door. Elliot had insisted on dropping her off after her third Jameson, opting to play designated driver, which not only gave him a reason to stay sober, but also gave Olivia a reason to open up to him. After the second whiskey she'd confessed to not only her anxiety for the case, but for her reticence in helping Alex through the trauma that was still to come during the trial. Elliot had done the best he could to empathize, and although Olivia left the bar feeling immensely better than she had before she arrived, she felt that levity would disappear as the alcohol worked its way through her bloodstream. She jiggled her key inside the lock, stepping inside the apartment and closing the door behind her as she walked toward the living room. Although it was dark outside, the apartment was lit fully, every light on, bathing Alex's place in feigned radiance. Olivia ran a hand over her face, dropping her phone and badge clumsily onto the sofa. She shuffled over to the window, her t-shirt sticking to her spine along a trickle of sweat; although it was after dark, the heat still seemed to build up in her alcohol-steeped pores. She pulled the window up, leaning her head outside, inhaling the evening air.<p>

"Alex," she called, turning towards the back hallway.

"Back here!" she heard the blonde's smooth voice call from the bedroom. "Liz and I picked up some dinner for you," Alex said, popping into the hallway. "Hey," she said. "You look exhausted. You want to shower?"

Olivia shook her head, although she knew it was probably a good idea. Alex walked towards her, still leaning on her cane. Olivia noticed that she had abdicated the sweats and the long sleeves that she'd worn for the last week despite the heat, instead opting for shorts and one of her own v-neck t-shirts. Even in her booze-induced haze, Olivia felt the meaning behind it, and noticed the visible stitches poking out from the shirt collar, the wounds that Alex had worked so hard to hide. Alex smiled at her as she limped closer, running a hand gently through her brown bangs. "You look like that drink did you good," she assessed. "I'll heat up some dinner for you." She looked back at her as she walked into the kitchen. "I'm glad you're back. Liz dropped me off about twenty minutes ago."

Olivia nodded, following Alex into the kitchen. "Let me get that," she said, taking a restaurant container from Alex and popping it into the microwave. Alex leaned against the counter, watching her.

"You want to talk about anything?" she asked, attempting to make her voice sound casual.

Olivia gazed back at her, studying her face. She had talked enough for the night. She just wanted to stare into the blue eyes in front of her. "We had a setback. A huge fucking setback." She shrugged. "We're heading back to search the apartment again tomorrow morning. See if we missed anything. It's worth a shot."

Alex nodded, but in her mind she knew that Olivia had searched that apartment high and low. She wondered at the efficacy of searching it again, but knew the last thing the detective needed was Alex questioning her logic. "It's definitely worth a shot," she agreed.

"How was dinner?"

Alex nodded. "Good. Liz insisted on the best."

"Of course she did. Means good leftovers for me," Olivia said with a smile.

The microwave let out a long beep and Alex felt a tremor of memory strike inside her, like a match that burned inside her chest. She remembered that beep, like a tiny alarm that something was wrong. She leaned away from the counter, her vision blurry as she watched Olivia take the food out of the microwave. She felt disoriented, saw herself placing a plate of stuffed cabbage into Olivia's microwave two weeks before; she shook her head violently, rattling the memory from her mind.

Olivia looked at her curiously as she held the container in her hand. "You okay?" she asked, noticing the pallor that crept into the attorney's cheeks.

Alex nodded, righting herself as she moved out of the kitchen. "Yeah," she said confidently as she limped towards the living room. Her eyes saw the drift of the curtain, the smooth back and forth shimmer as the wind caught it in its grasp. She paused mid-step, and felt her breath rise in her throat, her attention converging onto the open window. She felt an overwhelming sense of inexplicable fear, followed by a gut-wrenching sense of powerlessness. She felt her knees shake, and couldn't explain her sudden urge to run towards the door. She backed away from the living room, into the surprised arms of Olivia.

"Alex?" she said, confused, setting her plate down on the bar.

The attorney reeled violently away from her, spinning, the pain in her ankle merely serving as a conduit back to _that_ night. She moaned, feeling her vision tunnel inwards, a spiral of colors and movement. She saw a figure come towards her, and her legs crumpled beneath her. "Close the window, close the window, close the window," she repeated, rocking herself back and forth as she placed a pair of shaking hands to her temples. Olivia glimpsed the open window, and she cursed herself as she rushed over to close it, shutting it with a forceful bang. She turned back to Alex, who was visibly trembling, her hands spread over her eyes, as if she were pressing them back into her skull. She rocked back and forth, in what Olivia thought could only be a painful posture for her ankle. "Alex," she said, her fingers brushing the attorney's arm.

"No!" Alex yelped, flashing a hand out and batting Olivia's arm away forcefully. Olivia watched, helpless as the flashback overwhelmed the blonde, her chest heaving underneath the t-shirt, her body clenched in on itself, her muscles tense.

"Okay, Alex," she tried again, this time more gently, sitting beside the woman without touching her. She kept speaking, her voice calm and level. "Alex, sweetie, it's Olivia, you're at home. It's just me and you, Alex, you're safe here. You're in a safe place, Alex."

She continued her murmurs, her voice comforting as she sat with Alex, her blonde hair falling over her shoulders as she continued to rock back and forth. After a few painful moments, the rocking slowed, then ceased altogether as Alex's hands fell limply into her lap. She breathed heavily, a sob threatening to peel from her throat, her eyes squinted shut. "Oh, God, Olivia," she said, her voice cracking, her head still held to her chest. She held her breath, trying to keep herself from losing control, but the cries pushed through in an elongated moan. She looked up, swallowing hard, fear trapped deeply in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, embarrassed, attempting to straighten her shoulders.

Olivia looked up at her, shifting onto her knees, still afraid to touch her. "Alex, it's fine, it's fine. I'm so sorry," she said, her hands out in front of her, wanting to touch her, but afraid she might set off another spiral. "The trial is in less than a week, I'm sure your nerves are shot. It's fine," she repeated, peering closer, attempting to lock her eyes on the startled blue ones that continued to gaze vacantly past her.

"I was right back in that apartment." The blue eyes finally locked onto the detective's, sending a shiver down Olivia's spine. "That's the last thing I remember before the panic," she said. "I went to your bedroom to find a book to read… and I noticed that the window was open. I didn't even have time to process the fact that it was strange, to see it open. I just saw the curtain flutter."

Olivia sat back, her hands beside her, wanting to do nothing to disturb Alex's openness, although she did want to put her arm around her, do something to remind her of a comforting connection. She watched as the blue eyes stared vacantly ahead of her, still processing the memory.

For a moment Alex stopped speaking, but she glanced quickly at Olivia. The space that she found in the detective's eyes felt safe, and she continued, a small part of her knowing that Olivia needed to hear her talk about it. "I fought him," she said, as if reassuring herself that she had not become a victim easily. "That's how I saw him, when I was fighting him. I pulled off his mask. I think it surprised him. I don't remember if I was surprised," she said softly, the holes of her memory now appearing. "I just remember moving away from him." She sat completely still as she continued, her voice quiet. "He caught up with me, that's when I lost consciousness. But I was still afraid. Even before I was alert again, I was afraid." She shook her head, almost imperceptibly, as her eyes widened in what appeared to be confusion. "I read Jessica Flanagan's statement, and he said nothing to her. I remember that. But he spoke to me," she said, her head shaking, her eyes fearful as they looked up at Olivia. "I didn't put that in my statement," she said, as if surprised by her own intentional ommission. "He asked me when you were coming home," she said, the words falling heavily off her tongue, as if she hadn't wanted to speak them aloud. "Said he'd make me describe everything he was going to do to me, then he'd do it to you." Her voice was merely a whisper, and she didn't look up at Olivia. "I kept hoping that you'd never come, that you couldn't come home, if you didn't come he wouldn't hurt you." She held her breath for a moment. "I was utterly alone. Except for him. And I hate him for that."

Olivia felt bile rise in her throat, and she worked to keep the nausea down in her stomach. She reached out a tentative hand toward Alex, very slowly, almost unsure if she would ever be able to touch her again, as if she would always be just out of reach. "I'm so, so… " she felt the words trail off, searching for something to say. "I'm ashamed." She looked down. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there, I'm so sorry this happened, I'm sorry I didn't get there in time…" She felt as if she could keep going, keep apologizing, for the rest of her life.

She felt Alex's hand snatch her own, gripping it hard, their fingers intertwining. She looked up into the blue eyes, and saw her own reflected in the tears that pooled there. "I want you to be there on Monday," Alex said.

Olivia looked at her for a moment, not processing her words. "At the trial? Of course I'll be there," she said.

"Whatever I say on the stand, whatever I have to say, I don't want to talk about it afterward." Alex's eyes stared, almost pleading.

Olivia shook her head. "Of course not. You don't ever have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Alex nodded, and she cringed as she put her legs out in front of her, wincing at the pain in her ankle as she moved it, finally settling back down next to Olivia. She put a head on the detective's shoulder, resting it there for a moment. The two women sat in silence, staring into the living room, quiet settling around them. "Joyce said flashbacks were normal." Alex gestured toward the window. "Just a trigger. The microwave, the window." She rubbed a hand up Olivia's arm and was quiet for another moment before speaking again, her voice taking on a lilting cadence. "You can never make stuffed cabbage again."

Olivia glanced down at her, unable to read Alex's tone, a discomfort she'd felt many times over the past couple of weeks. She knew the humor was born out of a deep sense of sadness, but she played along. "I think that's a sacrifice that's pretty easy to make."

Alex looked over at her. "Joyce also said this was normal."

"What was normal?"

"This. This back and forth of emotion: fear, anger, humor. The rollercoaster is normal."

"Are you concerned with being normal?"

Alex looked over at her, eyes narrowing, her brow bending in thought. "I don't know," she said slowly. "I'm concerned with not going crazy. With not driving you crazy."

Olivia smiled at the humor that popped into her own head, and she couldn't resist voicing her thought as she leaned over to Alex, whispering conspiratorially, "Cabot, you've driven me crazy for years."

Alex gave her a blank look, then smiled in appreciation, her head dropping modestly into her chest. "Someday, I'll drive you crazy in that way again," she said, vulnerability emanating from her eyes.

Olivia put a gentle, yet strong arm around her, and squeezed her shoulder. "We have all the time in the world. In the meantime, we'll just get through it together."

* * *

><p><strong>As always, feedback is greatly appreciated (and rewarded)... Let me know what you think, and hopefully another update will happen sooner rather than later. Thanks!<strong>


	21. Chapter 21

**Thursday, August 11**

Olivia awoke to the amber blush of sunrise wafting through the bedroom window. She flipped onto her back and turned her head towards the brighter, more concentrated glow that emanated from the lamp on Alex's bedside table. The attorney leaned against the headboard, her glasses perched on her nose, which was almost completely immersed in a book that rested on her lap. The blue eyes peeked over at the still slumber-eyed detective.

"What time is it?" Olivia ran a hand over her forehead, blinking.

Alex glanced at the clock beside her. "6:13."

Olivia rose on one elbow, and turned towards her, used to this new exchange of roles; in the past, it had been Olivia who awoke before sunrise, never having been a great sleeper. "How long have you been up?"

Alex shrugged, noncommittal. "An hour or so."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, which felt mussed and messy on top of her head. "You really should consider taking a pill once in awhile. You've got to get more sleep, especially before the trial."

Alex shrugged again. "It's a good book."

"It's not _that_ good of a book." Olivia reached a hand over and flipped the book cover up, pretending to judge its cover. "It can't be _sunrise_ good."

Alex smiled briefly, her eyes once again glazing over the detective, who was haphazardly intertwined among the sheets. Her grin disappeared as she caught side of Olivia's hand on the book, the knuckles scraped raw. "Oh my God, look at your hand," she said, taking the detective's fingers gently into her own. "What the hell did you do?"

Olivia felt the urge to snatch her hand back and cover the bruising, but found she enjoyed Alex's touch too much. "I got angry at the impound lot yesterday," she slipped, almost bashfully.

"You got angry at the car, I hope, and not a human being."

"Yes. No. Yes, the car."

Alex sighed, moving her legs toward the edge of the bed. "Here, let me get something for it."

Olivia shook her head, this time grasping Alex's hand in her own, as a plea to halt her from getting out of bed. "It's fine," she assured her.

Alex pulled her arm away slightly. "Please, Olivia, I've practically got a whole nurse's station in my bathroom," she said, a hand casually running across the stitches on her chest. "Let me get you something." She padded carefully over to the bathroom, and Olivia could hear her sifting through the medicine cabinet. "Promise me that today you won't get angry at any inanimate objects in that apartment," Alex called.

Olivia didn't respond, stoicism seeping into her features as she thought of difficult day that lay ahead of her. She could already picture Cragen's response to the restraining order request: his head down, shiny underneath the fluorescent lights in his office, his hands in fists as he shoved them into his pockets. She hoped Liz had been able to prevent the ridiculous request from going any further, but was not looking forward to crossing paths with the Bureau Chief either. She was tightroping a dangerous line with the case, and she wanted nothing more than to bury her head in a pillow.

Alex popped back out of the bathroom, limping lightly back to the bed. "Did you hear me?" she asked. "Don't let nonliving objects get the best of you today?" She sat next to Olivia and pulled the detective's hand onto her lap as she uncapped a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

"Don't you have something simple, like Neosporin?" Olivia asked.

Alex's lip curled into a small, private smile. "You punched the hell out of a _car_ yesterday, Olivia, and you're nervous about a little sting?"

The detective pursed her lips, and gave a quick nod as Alex rubbed the burning liquid over her raw knuckles. She spoke through the throb, instead concentrating on the softness of the blonde's touch. "I'll be lucky if Cragen even lets me tag along to the apartment today," she said.

Alex shook her head. "Both Elliot and Liz will back you up with him," she said confidently. "Cragen wouldn't have let you continue to work on this case after…" she blinked, quickly, and changed her wording, "he trusts you."

"Liz would just as soon see me off this case," Olivia replied, cringing as Alex took another swipe at her knuckles with the cotton ball.

"That's not true," the attorney protested, her concentration still glued to the hand in front of her. "Liz likes you."

"She said that?"

"Of course not," Alex scoffed. "I've never heard the woman _say_ she likes anything. But if she didn't like you, you'd be under a bus by now."

Olivia nodded. "That I believe."

"She may like you, but she's dead set on making sure this case stands up in court." The attorney tossed the cotton ball on her bedside table next to the bottle of alcohol. "I have healed you, woman." She kept her fingers trailing over Olivia's hand, and gave the detective a smirk. "I will bet you dinner tonight that Liz shows up at that apartment today."

Olivia glanced over at her and rolled her eyes, grinning slightly as she dropped her head back on the pillow, bringing Alex down gently with her. "Ten more minutes," she pleaded, sighing contentedly as she felt the blonde head settle softly on her shoulder. She closed her eyes in an attempt to block out the sun, a rising reminder of a day to which she wasn't looking forward.

* * *

><p>"Liz, what the hell are you doing here?"<p>

"Tailing you," the attorney quipped, as she walked up the steps to Chandler's apartment building. Even from the distance of a few yards, Olivia could already see the blaze in the older woman's eyes. "You're lucky," she said, fixing the detective with a flat stare. "The only reason _you're_ even here is because I promised Cragen I'd tag along to make sure you didn't do anything else to threaten this already severely compromised case."

Olivia rolled her eyes, despite the fact that she knew Liz was right – that morning Cragen had been close to assigning Olivia to desk duty for the next few weeks – it was a bullet she'd barely dodged, and only with the help of her partner and the Bureau Chief. She sighed as she looked up at the building, Elliot waltzing around her and heading towards the door. He looked back at her, already pulling on a pair of gloves. "You coming?"

Olivia nodded, following both Liz and Elliot as they made their way inside. She glanced over the familiar entryway, its floor bowing slightly in the middle from the years of foot traffic. Elliot and Liz were already making their way up the stairs, but Olivia caught sight of an elderly woman at the end of the short hallway, who was unsuccessfully attempting to push open a back door. Olivia stepped toward her, passing a small grouping of mailboxes, and crossing the length of the hallway quickly. She gingerly opened the door for her.

"You need some help, ma'am?" she asked, giving the woman a quick smile and looking down at the water canister, small shovel, and gloves that she held in a pair of wrinkled hands.

The woman assessed her behind a pair of bifocals, then brusquely handed over the water canister. Olivia followed her out into a small, overgrown back lot that seemed to serve as a courtyard of sorts. A small, sagging bench sat toward one side, with a makeshift walkway leading toward it. Several scraggly bushes were congregated on the edges of the yard, and a tiny, struggling flowerbed was edged in one corner.

The woman walked towards the garden, shuffling over the grass. "Ever since you people showed up at 2D's door, this garden hasn't been doing too well," she said, bending over the small scraggle of plants, which looked as if they hadn't been watered in days. "I do what I can, but I've never had a green thumb - that was my husband." She took the pair of gloves and pulled one of them on. "Still, I said I'd either try to save these flowers or pull them up myself." She looked over at Olivia. "I know you're police," she said. "Even though you don't much look like one. I saw you searching his apartment. Is he coming back?"

Olivia gave her a quick shrug as she set the water canister down on the ground. She didn't have time for pleasantries or questions; she needed to get upstairs. "I'm not sure," she replied, wiping her palms on her pants.

The old woman turned back toward the drooping flowers, her nose turned up. "I think today I'll pull them up."

Olivia looked down at her and the garden, her feet suddenly rooted to the spot. "These flowers were planted by the man in 2B?" she asked.

The woman nodded, gingerly getting down onto her knees. "Sure were. He was always out here, rummaging around in the dirt. Always first thing in the morning. I saw him once, because I wake up early, just by habit. Every morning I used to hear him, before the crack of dawn. Don't know what good gardening that early does, but it seemed to work for him."

Something clicked in the back of Olivia's brain and she eyed the ground, suspicion rousing in her gut. "You mind if I help you?" she asked, picking up the other glove from the grass and slipping it on. She got down on one knee and grabbed the small shovel, beginning to dig just next to the flowers in a wide, scraping arc. Soon enough, she heard the shovel scratch against something, a metal screech resounding from the earth. "Holy shit," she sighed, using her gloved hand to help the process along as she glimpsed something dark red, and hard. The elderly woman reeled back on her haunches as she watched Olivia excavate a small box, a metal lock on one side.

"Well, look at you," she said, surprised. Her face suddenly turned serious, and she gazed at Olivia over her bifocals. "If there's money in that box, we're splitting it."

Olivia glanced up at her, and shook her head, a smile forging itself on her lips. "We won't be doing that, ma'am." She gestured towards the glove the woman wore. "Do you mind if I borrow your other glove?" She smiled her thanks. "You've just helped secure evidence in an official police investigation," Olivia said, taking the glove that the woman offered and slipping it onto her hand as she positioned the box on the grass in front of her.

The woman nodded, but a confused look still graced her face. "Was there a monetary reward involved in this investigation?"

Olivia shook her head as she palmed her phone, dialing Elliot upstairs. She barely contained her smile as she heard him pick up. "I need you downstairs, in the back," she said. "And then we'll need to pick up that key from evidence."

She hung up the phone and pocketed it back in her belt, resisting the urge to wrap her arms around the woman in front of her, who simply shrugged, her excitement already fading, and continued to plow up the wilting flowers.

* * *

><p>Olivia and Elliot stood slightly behind Melinda Werner, watching her as her eyes gazed across the computer screen in her lab. Liz stood slightly askance, her eyes grazing over the red box, which lay open on a lab table, its contents emptied and numbered alongside it. She crossed her arms over her chest and forced herself to listen to the medical examiners words.<p>

"You found a goldmine," Melinda said, shaking her head in wonder. "The samples of hair inside match all three of your victims." She turned, giving the detectives a congratulatory nod before directing her attention towards the table. She pointed a gloved hand toward three miscellaneous items: a large, silver button, a tortoise-shell hair clip, and a small, gold bracelet. "I'd bet good money, that I don't make of course," she said wryly, "that these are all items that the victims were wearing when they were attacked."

"His mementos," Elliot said. Liz glanced over at him, and felt a shudder run through her.

Olivia looked down at the table, not recognizing the hair clip or the bracelet as Alex's, but she was almost certain that the button came from one of the attorney's suits. She looked over at Liz, who stood silently, watching, and attempted to gauge her mood; she had stayed quiet for most of the ME's briefing. "That should be easy enough to corroborate," Olivia replied. "We can ask Jamie's roommate if anything looks familiar, same with Jessica…" She looked over at Elliot quickly. "The button…" Elliot nodded, quickly intervening. "We can check it against what we've got in evidence," he said, giving Olivia a reassuring nod as he turned back to Melinda. He pointed toward the small coil of plastic wire. "And this matches the injuries?"

Melinda nodded. "Both the coil and the knife," she said, pointing to a medium-sized, double-edged blade that lay next to the wire. Olivia's eyes skimmed over the items, and she worked quickly to disconnect her mind from the objects, forcing herself to focus. "Not too many knives make the kind of marks found on the victims," Melinda continued. "It was an up and down motion from what I can tell from the rape kit photos. That calls for a double-edged knife. I'm happy to include that in my testimony."

She glanced up at the team in front her, raising an eyebrow as she attempted to keep her tone light. "My, but you all do work right up against the clock, huh? Trial's when?"

Liz finally spoke. "Monday." She took a breath, exhaling slowly and pulling her suit jacket tighter, her fingers absentmindedly fumbling with one of the buttons. "I need to get back to the office and file this for the court. Good work," she finished, looking at Olivia. She nodded at Melinda and Elliot before walking towards the door. Olivia saw the vacancy in her eyes, an emptiness that she rarely saw in the Bureau Chief. She looked over at the ME and quickly excused herself, following the attorney out of the room.

"Liz," she said, prompting the older woman to halt her hurried gait. "Something wrong?" She gestured towards the room behind her. "We've got enough to put him away for life."

Liz nodded slowly, but her eyes stayed flat.

Olivia studied her, the unreadable expression. "Right?"

"Oh yeah," Liz replied. "Consider this case open and shut as of this point forward."

Olivia nodded slowly, still not quite understanding the tone that underlay the woman's words. "You okay?" she asked, her brow raising in concern.

Liz gave her a studied look, as if weighing her words before she spoke. "That feeling you have, Detective, in the pit of your stomach? The one rises up like a fist punching into your throat?" She paused. "Nothing about this case feels like a win. We may get a conviction, but that feeling that you feel, it's just a reminder that at the end of the day, that means nothing."

"I hope you change your tune before talking to Alex and Jessica," Olivia said quietly.

A flash of anger whipped hard through Liz's features, and she steeled her jaw. "Don't fucking tell me how to be with my own fucking witnesses," she spat. "You helped close this case today, sure, because you finally did your goddamn job." She leaned closer, and Olivia saw something more than anger flutter through her eyes. "Just don't forget that your responsibility isn't solely to this _job_."

Olivia looked at her, her mouth dropping open in disbelief. "Are you telling_ me _how to be with Alex?" she asked, her mouth hanging open. "I go home to her every single night, Liz…" she trailed off, afraid her voice would break if she continued.

Liz nodded, putting a hand up in front of her. "I know, I know," she said, her head down, as if she were coaching herself back from an emotional ledge that she rarely traversed. She looked up at Olivia. "I saw that evidence, and just like always, in my head I'm linking every piece to the witness' statement," she said thoughtfully, her eyes still down. "And I stood inside that room... and I was reminded again that I'm connecting those horrible things to _Alex_…" She trailed off, shaking her head, repeating the younger attorney's name. "I worry about her," she said quickly, brushing off her own feelings as she looked up towards the detective, "and by extension that means I worry about you."

Olivia looked aside for a moment, feeling her throat tighten, unsure how to respond to the rawness she saw in the attorney's eyes. "There's only so much I can do. I try to give Alex as much time, as much space as she needs, but I have to put my everything into this case _for me_. It's what I know how to do." She gazed back at Liz, and she saw the same raw honesty reflecting back at her.

Liz gave a small nod, and took a deep breath, placing assured hands on her hips. "Okay," she breathed. "This was good." She looked back up at Olivia, and the detective saw the familiar strength once again returning in the brown eyes. "I'm going to go do what I know how to do best," she said, her eyes serious. "I'm going to play some hardball. Time to up the charges on this sick bastard."

Olivia gave her a hardened smile, and watched as the attorney walked away. She picked her phone up and dialed, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes briefly as she waited for Alex to pick up.

"_Hey. Tell me you didn't bloody up your other hand."_

Olivia smiled into the phone, relief flooding her as she heard the comforting voice. "No, actually, but I did get them a little dirty." She glanced down at her fingernails, which were still somewhat covered in soil.

"_You have good news?"_

"Very good news," she replied, nodding into the phone. Liz's words echoed in her mind as she felt her stomach tighten, as if a fist were clenching inside it. The thought of describing the box left her with a repugnant feeling, and she worried that it would only cause the blonde to experience another flashback. She swallowed, and plastered a smile on her face again, as if to ward off her unpleasantness. "I'm on my way home," she said.

"_Hungry?"_

"Famished." It was as if the two of them had agreed, that Alex somehow sensed that whatever had been found, she didn't want to know about it, at least not yet.

"_And did Liz show?"_

"Of course she did."

_"Then it's good you're hungry. You'll be taking me to dinner."_

"Done. See you soon." Olivia hung up the phone, the smile on her face feeling just as feigned as the lightness in her tone. She shook the flagrant thoughts from her mind, and instead allowed herself to focus on their win, if only for a fleeting moment.

* * *

><p><strong>Still hopeful that the pace is fine, and that you'll allow me to digress once in awhile to explore Liz's feelings as well. Thanks for the reviews and the feedback! <strong>


	22. Chapter 22

**Friday, August 5**

Elliot sat alone at his desk, filling out some paperwork to go along with the outing he'd just made to Jamie Worth's old roommate. It hadn't been pleasant, but Elliot felt he needed to make the trip himself; passing it along to Munch or Fin would only add insult to injury to what was already a difficult visit. The roommate had been surprised to see the detective on her doorstep, but even more shocked to see the hair clip that he'd shown her, which was enclosed in a small, numbered plastic bag. She sat down on a frayed loveseat and ran her hands over the plastic, framing the clip in her hands. "That's Jamie's," she said somberly. "That was hers." Elliot had nodded solemnly, then spent a few minutes updating her on the case, stopping before reassuring her of any particular outcome. He'd left, head down, walking briskly back to his car, tossing the bag on the passenger's seat and refusing to look at it until he arrived back at the precinct. It was the same type of clip he's seen his daughter slip into her hair many times before.

Elliot shook his head, realizing his pen was still poised over the paperwork, but he had stopped writing, lost in his thoughts. He looked up, surprised to see that Cragen was hovering over him; he hadn't heard him walk over.

"You confirm that belonged to our girl?" the Captain asked, pointing to the plastic bag that still sat on Elliot's desk.

The detective nodded, dropping his pen on his desk. "It's hers. Confirmed by her former roommate." He paused, running a hand over his forehead. "I spoke with Jamie's parents earlier, too. They're flying up for the trial on Monday." He sighed heavily, not wishing to dwell on the painful conversation he'd had with the victim's mother. Instead, he lifted his gaze toward his boss. "Liv's checking with Jessica Flanagan," he said, "about the bracelet. I ran through the clothes we collected at Alex's apartment, and the button's a match to the suit jacket." His eyes darkened, and he quickly flung his attention back to the papers in front of him.

Cragen slowly nodded, pursing his lips. "Seems like everything's falling into place," he said, but Elliot heard the sadness that tinged his voice.

Elliot peered up at him and leaned back in his chair, finally asking the question that he'd been too reluctant to ask his own partner. "Where do you think Cabot will be reassigned?"

Cragen looked down for a moment, his gaze running over the floor. "I'm sure that will be partly up to her." He raised his head, his eyes a pool of black concern as he nodded towards Olivia's empty desk. "How's Liv doing?"

Elliot gave a quick shrug of his shoulders; he was having a hard enough time ascertaining for himself how his partner was doing day to day. She'd always been the most empathetic of the two, and worked hard to keep her bubbling emotions just below the surface. She had only opened up to him once, and that was after three straight Jamesons. "Best she can," he replied, understanding that even if Cragen was personally concerned, which Elliot knew he was, the Captain still had to determine whether his detective could also reliably continue to do her job. "Clearly, her work hasn't suffered," he finished, looking up at his boss and gesturing toward the plastic bag on his desk.

Cragen gave a quick nod, then fixed a stern, almost fatherly gaze on Elliot. "That's not what I'm worried about," he said, before turning and heading back to his office, his normally authoritative pace now just a slow shuffle.

* * *

><p>"Olivia, I really could have met you at the station," Jessica said, graciously, as she ushered the detective into her apartment. Olivia followed her into a brightly lit living room, the noon sun wafting generously over the furniture, shimmering over the soft greens and earth tones that colored the space.<p>

"It's really no trouble," Olivia assured her, giving her a quick smile.

"Can I get you anything?" Jessica asked, standing at the entrance to the living room, fumbling lightly with an earring. "Coffee, water?" She pressed the back of her earring to her ear, freeing her hands. "I've got some time, if you do."

Olivia felt an automatic "No" threatening to slip from her lips, but instead she found herself nodding. "I'll have coffee, but only if it's already made."

Jessica feigned sternness. "There's always coffee." She gave a polite smile before slipping into the kitchen.

Olivia followed her and took a seat at a small wooden table near a window, which gave a wide view of the city as it spread below them. "You have quite a view," she said conversationally, as she set the small NYPD-emblazoned bag she was carrying onto the table beside her. She turned her attention towards Jessica, who poured coffee into two mugs. "Thank you," older woman replied amiably, tucking a strand of shoulder-length blonde hair behind her ear. "Milk, sugar?" she asked, already opening the refrigerator and pulling out a small pint of milk.

Olivia nodded, rising from her chair and taking pint from, her eye grazing over several pictures on the refrigerator: several of Jessica and Megan posing on the same sailboat over the course of a few years; another, an old Polaroid, of what looked to be a very young Jessica perched on top of a sailboat with a middle-aged man. She pulled her gaze away from the photos as Jessica grabbed her own mug and headed towards the table. Olivia couldn't help but observe the fleeting glance the woman gave to a small wine bar in the corner, where a bottle of half-spent scotch sat, as if beckoning.

"It's not against the law to spike your coffee," the detective offered, giving Jessica a quick smile as she sat back down at the table.

Jessica gave a small chuckle. "It is if it's before 10:30 in the morning." She shook her head. "I'm having lunch with my boss today, in order to convince him that I can come back to work sooner rather than later. I'll forego the scotch." She gestured toward the bottle. "I would offer you some, I figure you're on the clock," she said, eyeing the bag that lay on the table.

Olivia nodded, her own gaze flitting over towards the evidence that she had brought with her. "Like I said over the phone, I just want to see if you can identify something we found at Raymond Chandler's apartment." She looked back at Jessica, gauging her response.

Jessica kept her gaze on the bag. "A gold bracelet," she said softly, her gray-blue eyes only traveling back to Olivia's after a long pause. "I was looking for it the other day. I got so frustrated, thinking I'd misplaced it. I didn't even remember until I'd half trashed my closet."

Olivia swallowed before nodding her head slowly. "Jessica, I'm sorry," she said, slipping the plastic bag from the larger navy one. "Do you mind looking at it just to confirm?"

Jessica nodded, reaching out and taking it from Olivia's fingers. She looked at it pensively for a moment, molding the plastic around the bracelet, running her fingers over it. She handed it back over, her jaw clenching just slightly, and Olivia noticed the hollowness underneath her high cheekbones. "That's it," she said.

Olivia pushed the smaller bag inside the larger one. "Okay," she said. She pushed the bag toward the side of the table, then thought better of it and removed it from the table completely, setting it beside her feet. Jessica's eyes stared out of the window, a hard edge to her eyes. Olivia noticed that her eyes were grayer than Alex's, a deep, still ocean-blue.

"Where did you find it?" Jessica asked, her eyes coming back to Olivia, who quickly halted her examination of the blonde's features.

"It was buried in a small courtyard behind his apartment."

Jessica nodded. "Did he keep things from all of us?" she asked diminutively, as if afraid of her own question.

"Yes," Olivia replied gently.

Jessica nodded, and diverted her gaze once more out of the window, sitting quietly for a moment.

"How is Alex doing?"

Olivia saw a need that was more than just concern edging out of the corner of Jessica's eyes. "One day at a time," she responded, watching her.

"How long have you been together?" Jessica asked, finally turning her gaze back to the brunette beside her.

Olivia felt her face flush, but didn't mind the woman's question. "We've been – um – seeing each other casually for awhile. But, it's only been serious for about a month."

Jessica smiled amicably toward her. "If only things worked like that. I bet it's been serious since the first day you met her," she said, raising her eyebrows. "Love doesn't work any other way."

Olivia widened her eyes for a moment, but found she couldn't argue; she _had _been drawn to Alex since the first day she met her. "You're right," she said with a small smile. She looked down at her coffee. "But, still, we haven't together very long... and this…"

Jessica gave her a knowing glance as the detective trailed off. "It's tough for any couple," she said. "Doesn't matter if you're a new couple, an old couple."

Olivia looked over at the woman, her thoughts running back to the way that Jessica's own girlfriend had cared for her at the hospital, at the sight of the photos on the refrigerator, what had seemed to be a happy couple. "But after four years?" she asked.

Jessica gave an uncomfortable shrug of her shoulders and took a sip of her coffee. "Megan and I had been having problems before… all of this…" she said. A scornful smile slipped from her lips, curling them upward. "Note to self: sexual assault does not help to keep a sinking relationship from going under." Her face reddened. "Sorry," she offered, giving an apologetic wave of her. "Bad joke."

Olivia quickly shook her head. "No, no, I'm used to it. Sometimes I can't tell whether Alex wants me to laugh or to cry with her."

"Or to throw a few things around the apartment, maybe?"

Olivia shrugged. "It's just hard for me to read sometimes."

Jessica gave a knowing nod. "Sometimes I can't even read myself. I'm forty-two years old, Olivia. When do you think is the last time I woke up and thought about spiking my morning coffee?"

Olivia was lost for a response, and instead took a long sip of her coffee, her eyes spanning the light yellow walls; she noticed a small, framed painting of a sailboat, the colors calmingly blue: the boat, the ocean, the sky, all amalgamations of the same soothing color. She saw the tiny name scratched in the corner of the canvas and raised her eyebrows and gestured towards it. "You painted that?"

Jessica gave a small nod, and redness crept into her pale cheeks. "Yeah, I paint once in awhile. Megan convinced me to frame that and put it up. I thought it was egotistical, but she assured me that it was not self-indulgent."

Olivia shook her head, her eyes widening in appreciation. "On the contrary, it's very well done. You're quite a painter." She nodded towards the pictures on the refrigerator. "I'm guessing your true love, though, is sailing?"

Jessica's eyes brightened for the first time since Olivia had met her, the grayness seeming to dissipate, and a lovely, healthy cerulean glowed through them. "I love it," she breathed, smiling. "The wind, the quiet air, the sound of lapping waves." She looked over at Olivia. "The ocean just never ceases to amaze me with its duplicity: teeming with life, yet somehow mournful; calm, but always brewing." She sighed. "I love being in the middle of it."

"You go often?"

"No, I don't have the time. I usually take one trip every summer, toward the end of August." Olivia watched as her eyes slowly darkened, the brightness fading away with her smile.

"You won't postpone? Maybe it would be good for you?"

Jessica gave Olivia a sympathetic smile, but gave an emphatic shake of her head. "No."

"Why not?"

"I love it too much," she said with a sad, resigned smile. "I'm afraid if I go, especially now, I won't feel the same way. I don't want to go and feel nothing. I can't bare losing that." She took a quiet sip of her coffee. "Maybe next year." She looked toward the window, then quickly turned back to Olivia, her eyes once again a dull blue-gray, but this time edged with sincerity. "How are you doing, Olivia?"

Olivia glanced out of the window for a moment, unsure of how to respond. "I'll feel a lot better after the trial," she replied, fumbling with her mug, her foot scraping accidentally against the bag at her feet.

"Why is that?" she asked, and Olivia had the distinct feeling that Jessica already knew what she would say, as if she could sense that she wasn't even _sure_ of what she felt. She shifted in her chair.

"Because at least he'll pay for what he did."

Jessica laughed, her eyes dark, challenging as she leaned into Olivia. "I don't buy that. Tell me what you're really thinking."

Olivia swallowed, attempting to push down the vulnerability that she knew reflected across her features. She spoke, but only after a lengthy pause. "I think that this case is showing me how little my job means. Sending Chandler to jail doesn't change what happened. Doesn't change the fact that Jamie Worth is dead. Doesn't change her parents' grief. Doesn't change the fact that my partner tenses every time I touch her. Or that she'll never know when a flashback will hit her. Doesn't change that each day I wake up and I miss the part of her that isn't there anymore." She felt her breath hitch, her cheeks go red as shame hit her, the finality of her words saddening her. "I didn't mean – "

Jessica nodded, staring intently at her, as if giving her permission. "It's okay to have these thoughts, Olivia."

Olivia shook her head, her voice soft. "I can't share them. Not with Alex."

Jessica stared at her hands for a moment as she slid her finger along the rim of her mug. "You can," she said, thoughtfully. "But what do you expect her to do with them? She can't fix this anymore than you can. Feelings don't disappear, just because you voice them. That's why I really think it's important for you to get some help, too," she finished quietly.

Olivia was silent for a moment and she directed her gaze back toward the window, the silence allowing Jessica's words to sink slowly into her. "I don't normally use these visits to pour my own thoughts out," she said.

Jessica nodded. "Well, this is the first visit of this kind that I've had, so I wouldn't know the difference." She kept her tone light, returning the silence to something manageable. "I guess it's a little helpful for me, too."

Olivia looked back at her. "How do you feel about Monday?"

Jessica's eyes widened for a split second as she exhaled. "Yeah. Talk about another first time. I've been calling Elizabeth Donnelly at least once a day to bring up something, question something in my own statement, clarify something in my testimony. It's like I'm cramming for an exam that I'm afraid I'll fail."

Olivia raised her head, and she stared keenly at the woman, all too familiar with the anxiety she described, and thinking back on the many times she'd come upon Alex studying her own affidavit. "I think that's normal," she said.

Jessica smiled over at her. "I've given up on normal." She stood and plucked the scotch from the bar. "At this point, I think I'll accept atypical," she said, pouring a quick splash into her coffee. Olivia slid her own mug closer and Jessica raised a quick eyebrow before pouring the detective a quick shot. Olivia raised her cup, tapping it lightly against Jessica's own. "Here's to atypical," she said, taking a sip, enjoying the slight burn in her throat.

* * *

><p>Olivia watched as Alex stood just inside the closet, her back facing the bedroom as she gingerly slipped on a soft flannel shirt, which stretched midway down her thighs. Slowly, Alex was returning to her normal sleeping attire, but she still took pains to keep her scars hidden. As the blonde tucked a stray strand of hair into her pony tail, Olivia's eyes brushed over the smooth, pale neck, and she couldn't help but think about the way her own lips used to graze the soft skin behind the attorney's ear. She felt a familiar pleasure below her belly, and she felt her face flush with embarrassment, shame plummeting through her body, replacing the feeling with a burning, angered confusion.<p>

"Liv?" she heard her name from the closet as Alex made her way toward the bed, where Olivia lounged. "How's she doing?" Alex asked, making sure her shirt was covering her chest.

Olivia glanced at her, confusion fronting her features as she attempted to bring herself back into the conversation that she'd drifted from. "Who?"

"Jessica Flanagan," Alex responded, eyeing her strangely as she climbed into bed.

"Okay, I guess," Olivia replied noncommittally.

Alex nodded, thoughtful for a moment as she looked down at her girlfriend. "You okay?" she asked, concern flashing across her eyes.

Olivia nodded, curving her lips into a smile, shame still pooling in her belly. "Yeah," she said, attempting casualness. "Jessica Flanagan. She's thinking a lot about the trial, I would presume."

Alex eyed her carefully, then leaned over and reached out a hand toward Olivia's cheek. She had just grazed the corner of Olivia's eye when the detective abruptly pulled away from her. "You had an eyelash," Alex said, holding up the faint, curled evidence on her finger, her eyes surprised at the brunette's reaction. "What's wrong with you?"

Olivia shook her head, an embarrassed smile flashing across her mouth as she blew the lash lightly from the attorney's finger. "Nothing, nothing," she assured, her eyes once again flashing toward Alex's neck as the blonde leaned toward her, examining her. Recognition flashed through the blue eyes, and Alex gave Olivia a curious smile.

"Don't think I don't recognize that look you just gave me."

Olivia felt the heat rise to her cheeks and she turned her head in chagrin. She felt Alex's hand on her jaw, pulling her gaze back to her. "Don't think I didn't appreciate it," she said softly, and leaned over to give Olivia a kiss on her lips, drawing the detective's tongue slowly into hers for a moment before pulling away and placing several light, but meaningful kisses along the detective's jaw.

Olivia felt the need to speak. "Alex, I don't need – "

Alex shushed her with another quick kiss on her lips. "Don't worry, I'm not making any promises here," she said, her eyes clear as she looked back at Olivia. "And I won't be making them anytime soon. But eventually…"

Olivia nodded, but still felt the need to explain. "Alex, I don't need that, I just… got lost for a moment."

Alex let out a small smile, recalling the insatiable fire she'd felt for her girlfriend a mere three weeks earlier; she pushed away her sadness and instead focused on the brown eyes that gazed up at her. "Twenty years from now, I'll have to pay you to look at me like that."

Olivia grinned, this time enjoying the pleasure that settled deeply into her chest, almost replacing the anxiety and helplessness that had plagued her for most of the evening. "Then you'd better enjoy it while it lasts," she said with a smile, pulling Alex closer, taking pleasure in feel of the blonde head on her shoulder.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday, August 7<strong>

Olivia walked into Alex's apartment, a brown grocery teetering in her hands. Liz popped into the entryway from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. "That was quick," she said, approvingly. "I didn't think you'd get here so fast."

Olivia shrugged, following the woman back into the kitchen and setting the bag on top of the counter. "I got a red table wine, something mild," she said, pulling the bottle, along with a baguette, out of the bag. "Where's Alex?" she asked, looking over the bar into the living room.

Liz nodded towards the hallway. "She's in her office."

"She's still going over her notes?"

"She's got a few more pages of notes by now," Liz said. "Girl's working overtime." She paused. "And she's technically not supposed to be working at all."

Olivia shook her head, emptying the rest of the contents from the bag. She tossed a bag of lettuce into the refrigerator, and handed over a few peppers to Liz. "And you've already prepped again?"

Liz nodded, taking a knife quickly to the peppers, and slicing them with a precision that surprised Olivia. "Yeah. For a couple of hours already. She's tiring me out, Olivia, which means I can only imagine how exhausted she is." Liz edged her out of the kitchen, pointing towards the office. "I'll finish dinner," she said. "Please go tear that godforsaken notepad away from her."

Olivia rounded the bar and walked down the hallway, poking her head quietly into the office. Alex's head lay on the desk, her hand resting limply on top of her notes, the ballpoint pen drooping from her hand. Her chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm, her long blonde hair splayed over her shoulder as she slept. Olivia debated whether to rouse her, but then noted the precarious angle of her right shoulder. She also knew Alex had to be able to fall sleep later that night. She stepped softly toward the desk, calling Alex's name well before she placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

Alex jumped, her yelp a delayed reaction to the jostling of her shoulder. She looked up groggily, her glasses lopsided on her nose. "What time is it?" she said, panic flashing quickly through her eyes.

"Sweetie, it's Sunday, you just fell asleep for a few minutes," Olivia explained, looking down at her. "The trial's tomorrow."

Alex looked at her, then grimaced. "I know that," she said straightening her glasses, her voice still muddled from sleep. She put a hand to her shoulder, wincing as she moved it gently, trying to work out some of the stiffness.

Olivia moved her hand gently to the back of Alex's neck. "Want me to massage it out?" she asked softly.

Alex tensed ever so slightly beneath her touch, and the blonde head shook back and forth. "No, no thanks," she said, gripping her pen once again in her hand. "I'm going to continue to look over some things."

Olivia nodded, not wanting to abdicate her hand from the thin shoulder. She reluctantly turned, but not before giving Alex a quick kiss on the top of her head, the soft hair grazing her lips. She walked back into the kitchen, where she heard Liz speaking softly into her cell phone.

"No, that's perfectly all right, Jessica. If anything else pops into your head, don't hesitate to give me a call." The older woman glanced up at Olivia and handed her the spatula, pointing it towards a pan on the stove as she moved out of the kitchen. Olivia ran the spatula over the peppers, which were just beginning to soften, and strained to hear Liz's words.

"No, the color of your suit won't matter. You've done fine. No, what you do recall is enough. Don't worry about that." Liz's voice faded for a second as she walked, and Olivia lost the words for a moment before they came back into earshot. "The best thing for you to do tonight, Jessica, is to put down your notes and get a good night's rest, okay? I will see you in the morning. Call me if you need anything."

Olivia turned back to the stove as she heard Liz's footsteps head back toward the kitchen. "I swear, both Jessica and Alex are too smart for their own good," the attorney said as she took the spatula out of Olivia's hands. She nodded towards the hallway. "Let me guess. She's still pining over her notes?"

Olivia nodded. "Wouldn't let me touch her."

Liz took the spatula from Olivia and stirred the contents on the stove. "I'm going to have to crush up a Xanax in her dinner just to get her to relax."

Olivia looked towards the older attorney and saw worry crease her forehead. "You sure you don't want me to do the same for you?" she asked, giving her a light smile.

Liz returned the look, and raised a knowing eyebrow. "I've already taken one, thanks," she said. "Try again. Tell her dinner's ready."

Olivia shook her head. "Liz, she wants some time."

"Do you think she needs time?"

Olivia looked at her, and braced herself as she leaned against the counter, unresponsive.

Liz gave her a studied look, her light brown eyes boring into her. "Olivia, from what I know, you're one of the few people that aren't afraid of Alex Cabot. You want to tell me when that changed?"

Olivia felt her stomach tighten, and she could tell by the look on Liz's face that the older attorney knew she had struck a nerve.

"You've never shied away from telling her what you thought. Trust me, I've heard her lament your stubbornness plenty of times over the past two years." Her voice took on a serious lilt. "Don't lose that during this recovery process, okay? There's a difference between helping Alex feel like she's regaining control and you losing your own, got it?"

Olivia nodded, feeling as if Liz had been sifting through the thoughts littering her own mind. She gave her one last look as she walked back towards the hallway. Alex was sifting through a few documents that lay on the couch, her hand running roughly through her hair as she gave a frustrated sigh. She looked up as Olivia entered the room. "Give me a few more minutes," she said, her lips pursed. "I'm looking for the ME's report."

Olivia shook her head slightly. "Alex, you know this isn't helpful. It's just nerves."

Alex gave a slight laugh, her head bending back over the couch. "Of course it's nerves. I do this for a living, Olivia, I know how it works." Her tone was authoritative, even slightly derisive.

"You try cases for a living, Alex. You have to remember that you're not trying this one."

Alex gave her a surprised, but no less vehement glare as she lifted her head from the couch and straightened her back. "I'm clear on the role I'll play tomorrow, Olivia," she said.

The detective let the comment pass. "Why don't you come play the role of hungry girlfriend, just for a little while?" Olivia said, seriousness backing the lightness in her voice. "Come eat," she said, extending her hand toward the blonde, hoping she would take it.

Alex stared at her for an uncomfortable moment, and Olivia could see the conflict passing through her eyes. Finally, Alex reached over and grabbed her cane, ignoring Olivia's outstretched hand. The detective reached out a hand and touched Alex's arm firmly as she tried to pass. "Hey," she said, halting the attorney's limping gait. Her eyes turned serious. "I know that tomorrow will be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do," she said. "I'm not making light of it. I just think that you can get more support from Liz and I, rather than going over things again and again in your head. That's all."

Alex gazed coolly at her, unwilling to give up the control that she so wanted to retain. Still, she felt her resolve soften as she saw the concern that flickered through the brown eyes in front of her. "I don't know how to do this," Alex said simply. "I don't want to get up there and talk about it. I can't look at Jamie Worth's parents, and have them wondering why I'm up there, and not their daughter…" her voice trailed off into a mere whisper, and Olivia saw her forehead wrinkle with pained sadness.

Olivia felt her lower lip tremble, but kept her voice steady. "I know," she said, already dreading the thought of watching Alex rehash the events of the night from a witness stand. "But the point of tomorrow is to make sure that we put him behind bars for as long as possible," she said. "And that's what your testimony will do." She bent her head down, forcing the blue eyes to look at her. "You're in control there, like always. Doesn't matter if you're standing in front of a witness or if you're sitting on the stand yourself. You're still Alex Cabot."

Alex looked up at her, and Olivia saw the exhaustion in her face, saw the resistance fade away as she spoke. "Okay," she agreed, her voice resigned, but strong. "Thank you," she said, biting her lower lip to keep it from trembling.

Olivia placed a light kiss on her forehead, willing the worry lines to disappear. "I love you," she whispered, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend, noticing the gauntness of her back, just as she'd noticed the thinness of her shoulder. Olivia felt the blonde's head nuzzle into her neck, and smiled as she said, "You have to come eat something." She paused. "Or risk Liz's wrath." Relief welled inside her as she felt Alex's lips curl into a smile, the attorney's soft laughter lightly tickling her neck.

* * *

><p><strong>Slow and steady gets us to the trial. I promise that will be in the next chapter. Until then, thanks for reading and reviewing. It actually <em>does<em> make me update faster ;)**


	23. Chapter 23

**Monday, August 8**

Alex brushed her cheeks with a light powder, pursing her lips as she piled it on thicker in an effort to match the discolored right side of her face to the left. Her pinned hair, which had given her a conservative look earlier, one she hoped the jury would look upon favorably, now left too much of her face uncovered. She took the clip down, allowing her hair to flutter down over the yellowish bruises still scattered over her temple. She gave one last appraising look at her reflection, surprised but comforted by the hard, unclouded eyes that stared back at her. She squared her shoulders, straightening her suit jacket and giving a last glance into the mirror, her lips failing to curl into the smile that she wished would simply appear naturally.

The smell of coffee enticed her toward the kitchen, where Olivia stood leaning against the counter, a mug of piping coffee in one hand, her phone in the other. She spoke into it, her words clipped as she gave Alex a quick smile. "I really appreciate that, Joe. I'll let you know by the end of next week." She tossed the phone on the counter and looked up at Alex, whose black suit seemed to express a confident power that she hadn't seen emanate from the attorney in weeks.

Alex raised her eyebrows at the detective as she moved toward the coffee maker, where an extra mug sat waiting for her. "Work?" she asked casually, motioning toward the phone.

Olivia shook her head, her foot tapping rapidly on the tiled floor as she took another long sip of coffee. "My landlord."

Alex raised an eyebrow at her, and a pang of guilt shot through her. She couldn't recall what Olivia had decided to do about her apartment. She tried to remember if she'd even asked, and with a pang of embarrassment, realized she hadn't.

Olivia registered the blonde's pause, but couldn't quite read it. "He's letting me leave my lease early. Wanted to know if he could show the apartment this afternoon."

"Where are you looking?" Alex asked. "My door is open for as long as it takes you to find something, you know."

Olivia gave her a small smile and took another sip of her coffee. She hadn't brought up the apartment, afraid it would trigger a flashback, something that Olivia was all too eager to avoid. Nevertheless, it had been on her mind for the better part of the last two weeks, although the idea of starting an apartment search didn't enthuse her in the least. Despite that, the thought of ever resuming a normal occupance in her own place was out of the question. She hadn't even been back to her apartment since the assault, and was grateful that Elliot had stepped in to handle the cleanup, to bring her anything she had needed. She had picked up her mail downstairs a few times, but could never bring herself to go upstairs. "We can talk about it later," she said to Alex, glancing at the empty mug that still sat on the counter, using it as an opportunity to change the subject. "Coffee?"

Alex shook her head. A tightening buzz was already flitting through her stomach, and she was afraid caffeine would send her nerves off their already precipiced edge. "I think I'll pass." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'm happy to look with you," she said. "Help you take in some apartments. There's no reason you should have to go through that real estate nightmare alone." She curled her lips into a guilt-driven smile.

Olivia took another sip of her coffee, an anxious gaze fixing into the brown liquid. "I think I can handle it," she said. "You've got enough on your plate."

Alex felt a new guilt rising in her chest, registering the reticence in the detective's tone. "I don't mean to hold you hostage here," she said quietly. "I don't want you to feel as if you have to stay here for me. I know you need some space." She stumbled over her words for a moment. "A space… a place of your own… we're not at that stage…"

Olivia's head shot up from her mug, and Alex saw a flicker of relieved confusion pass over her features. "I don't think that," the detective said, shaking her head, refusing to acknowledge any truth in the attorney's statement, if only for the time being. "And anyway, this isn't something we need to discuss now," she said gently. "We've got bigger things on our radar today. We can save this for after the trial."

Alex nodded, but felt a quick drop of disappointment in her gut, a new sense of helplessness. She enjoyed the ease that settled into her stomach whenever the brunette was around, an ease that was quickly replaced with an intrepid fear whenever she was alone in the apartment. She hated what that meant, and felt her own weakness chiseling into her independence, something that up until a month ago she had prided herself on. She felt a familiar mix of anger and emptiness waft through her stomach, and told herself that it was simply hunger. She turned quickly, plucking a banana from the fruit bowl as Olivia topped off her own coffee, taking another anxious sip. "How many of those have you had this morning?" Alex asked, peeling her own breakfast.

"Two."

"Did you eat something?"

Olivia shook her head. "I'm not that hungry." She studied Alex, but the attorney had seemed to don her regular, icy composure along with her suit. The detective couldn't read her.

"Liv, you can't have all that caffeine and not eat something. Let me make you some toast."

"Alex, I'm an adult – I'm fine, trust me."

Alex considered her for a moment, then grabbed another banana from the counter. "I'll put this in my bag, at least." She saw something flicker through Olivia's eyes, something that looked like impatience, and she felt impudent, needy. She glanced down at her watch.

"Should we go?" Olivia preempted her, putting her mug in the sink.

Alex nodded, stepping out of the kitchen and staring into the mirror in the hallway, her own unsure gaze staring back at her. She saw Olivia reflected in the background, cognizant of the easiness that allowed her to breathe deeply. She imagined the brunette not there, and hated the fear that seemed to tighten her lungs, causing her breath to hitch.

* * *

><p>Alex walked into the grand foyer of the courthouse, working to keep her pace at a steady clip. She hadn't entered the building in over a month, and was desperately attempting to walk the halls with the same confidence she'd had before. Olivia ambled along next to her, trying to keep pace. The attorney held her head high, but her eyes focused straight ahead, in a blatant attempt to avoid a colleague's curious gaze; she didn't need a conversation, she just wanted to be in a room by herself, where she could concentrate.<p>

"Cabot!" Her chest tightened at the male voice, which she recognized as a junior attorney in the bureau. She turned, and saw him approaching, an imploring smile on his face. He paused in front of her, realizing too late the awkwardness of his endeavor, struggling for an opening sentence. He opted for gurgled, "How are you?" His eyes narrowed in appropriate concern.

Alex forced herself not to lean away from him, and instead bobbed her head up and down, noticing how his eyes flickered curiously across the remaining bruises at her temple. "I'm okay," she said.

"I heard today's the first day of the trial," he continued. Olivia took a step towards them, sensing the tenseness in Alex's shoulders. She gave the man a polite nod, but didn't smile.

"Yeah," Alex replied, the word coming out in a sort of sigh.

"We've been pulling for you," he said. "Whole Bureau's looking forward to when you'll be back. Even if it's not with SVU."

Alex narrowed her eyes, and forced the coldness that welled in her chest into a half-hearted smile instead of the grimace that she felt was more appropriate. She waited for him to continue, but he stayed put, captured in an clumsy web of conversation. Alex saw him shift uncomfortably, and she did the heavy lifting for him. "Listen, Jake, I should get going," she said, not enjoying the strained, uneasy sound of her voice.

He nodded quickly, and gave her a relieved smile. "You look great," he said, Alex felt the falseness in his words like a punch to the stomach. She forced herself to curl her lips up at him, uttered out a quick, "Goodbye" before making her way down the hallway again, this time her head down, her heels clicking much faster across the tile. Olivia struggled to keep up with her as the blonde ducked into a small, private room off a side hallway.

"That was awkward," Alex said, as she slumped into one of the leather covered chairs, which were much more uncomfortable than their appearance let on.

Olivia nodded. "He was just trying to be polite."

Alex gave her a look that she couldn't quite read, and Olivia felt as if she'd said something wrong. Olivia watched as she gingerly took a seat, her hands automatically straightening her blouse, shifting her coat, unbuttoning it before buttoning it once more.

"This looks all right?" Alex asked, her blue eyes a question mark.

Olivia had never heard Alex ask anyone if she looked all right, especially not when it came to her work attire, and she took the vulnerability as a sign of nerves. She nodded gently. "You look fine." Olivia studied the attorney, the clench of her jaw, the way she forced weakness from her features. "Can I get you anything? Water, tea?"

"No, I'm fine. You're sure _you_ don't want anything after all of that caffeine you inhaled this morning? You may need something else besides adrenaline in that stomach of yours."

Olivia studied the blonde for a moment, took in the thin face in front of her. "Alex, how do you feel?" she asked, genuine concern radiating from her eyes.

"I feel fine," Alex said, her voice soft, but flat, her gaze only flitting upwards for a moment.

Olivia's felt disappointment rise in her throat, but was no reason to think the attorney would be any more forthcoming now than she had over the past few weeks. Alex's openness ran on her own schedule, and appeared in brief moments when she deemed it safe to expose her own anxiety. Olivia took a familiar, patient inhale of breath. "I think I will go grab a granola bar or something," she said. "You sure you don't want anything?"

Alex shook her head, her eyes not looking up. "No, thanks, Liv, I'm fine."

Olivia felt impatience rise again, and she pushed it down with another exhale, moving quickly. She kneeled in front of Alex, the blue eyes in front of her almost startled to see her at eye level, and framed the attorney's jaw, placing a kiss on the surprised lips, which she felt soften underneath her own. She pulled back after a few seconds, and relished the connection she finally saw in the blue eyes. "I know you're 'fine,'" she said. "But I still love you, and I have to ask." She rose to her feet, pecking another kiss on the crown of Alex's head before heading out of the door.

Alex sat stiffly in her chair, staring in front of her at the empty space vacated by her girlfriend, and still felt the remnants of the kiss on her lips, the settling of something comforting in her chest. She looked around the room from her new perspective, saw the darkened tones, the ominous overlays; not a room friendly to the victims that she had asked to wait there many a time before a trial. She sat back in her chair, closing her eyes briefly, finding comfort for a fleeting moment behind the soft blackness.

The door opened and Alex's eyes popped open, spying a tall, thin woman with shoulder-length blonde hair, whose blue eyes startled for a moment when she spotted the seated attorney. Alex immediately recognized Jessica Flanagan, whose smiling snapshot had stared up at her from the case file for weeks. She straightened in her chair, unable to speak for a quick second.

"I'm sorry," Jessica said quickly, darting a confused glance at the door. "I was told to wait in… uh… 120."

Alex nodded, recovering her voice. "They probably meant 120A. It's right next door." She gave the woman a comforting smile, noticing the way her blue eyes stared down at her, as if she'd seen a ghost. "I'm Alex," she said, standing and extending a hand toward the woman.

"Jessica," the other woman said, as if Alex hadn't recognized her.

Alex gestured to the seat next to her. "You're welcome to wait with me," she offered. "If you want to," she added.

Jessica gave a tentative nod and took a seat across from Alex, her purse in her lap. A moment of silence passed through the room as both women continued to stare at each other, seemingly okay with the mutual exploration. Jessica finally broke through the silence. "How are you?" she asked, her face reddening at the cordiality in her tone, which was juxtapositioned oddly with the strange intimacy in the room.

It was as if Alex were looking into a mirror, and she felt the same emotions run through her own features. She caught the uncomfortable gaze, and felt an immediate need to put the woman at ease. "I'm generally doing pretty shitty," Alex said bluntly, giving her a quick smile.

Jessica's eyes smiled and she let out a small breath. "That's refreshing to hear," she said, sincerely.

"Isn't it?"

"Well," Jessica continued, playing along, rehearsing the empty words that she'd exchanged so many times over the past few weeks with acquaintances, friends, strangers: "You look great."

Alex laughed, recalling the earlier words of her colleague. "So do you," she returned graciously. There was a pause, and the silence in the room seemed to remind them of why they were there. Alex's eyes turned serious as she gazed over at the slightly older woman, who sat with her hands clasped in her lap. "They should begin soon." She glanced down at her watch. "Manhattan courts aren't necessarily known for adhering to a strict time schedule. Sorry for the wait."

"I've got all day," Jessica responded amiably, nervously touching the top button of her shirt.

Alex watched as the woman fumbled with the collar of her shirt, tugging it tighter, a motion Alex had repeated several times over the course of the morning. "If you have any last minute questions," the attorney offered, "I'm happy to answer them."

Jessica eyed her curiously, sensing the ownership Alex felt over the room, the process at hand. "I've spoken in front of thousands of people," she said thoughtfully. "Hundreds of whom probably hated my guts," she said with a shake of her head, a tense smile. "But I have never been so nervous. I've only ever been to court to dispute a parking ticket… this feels like too formal a place to… share something so private."

Alex leaned forward, studying her. "You will be fine in there," she said, giving the woman a reassuring nod. "Just stay focused on what you and Liz discussed. If there's ever a time where you feel yourself going inwards, you just look at her, got it?"

Jessica peered over at her, giving her a knowing smile. "Clearly, you've given this speech a hundred times before."

Alex leaned back, sighing. "And I've said it to myself about a hundred times this morning."

"Did it help?"

"Not really." Alex looked at her, suddenly reminded that she wasn't playing the role of attorney, and not enjoying the vacuum of emptiness that seemed to resound from the realization. She was silent for a moment. "I'm glad you're here," she said sincerely, chancing another look at the woman next to her, acknowledging their strange, sordid kinship.

Jessica's eyes darkened, and Alex could see the void that appeared in them, and for a moment she felt the other woman's thought as if it were her own, her mind drifting toward Jamie Worth, who seemed like a ghostly presence in the room with them. Alex felt a familiar guilt pile in her stomach, which tightened her throat. "Her parents will be here," she said, putting a voice to both of their thoughts.

Jessica didn't nod, but let the silence hang heavily for a moment before responding. "I can't imagine what they must be going through," she said. "… or what she went through before…" she gave a vehement shake of her head, as if physically ridding the thought from her mind. "We can't go there right now," she said, her voice anxious, pleading, as she tossed a glance toward Alex.

The attorney nodded, feeling her mind collapse inward as she thought about Jamie Worth's parents. She thought about Liz meeting them that morning, thought that it would have been her meeting them in another version of reality. But this version she had no control over. She shook her head, pulling herself out of her thoughts by studying the woman in front of her.

Jessica gave her an anxious smile, and Alex could see the exhaustion behind it. "I haven't seen his face since that day at the rally," she said, then blushed, heat rising into her cheeks. "I never saw him that night… I go back over it and I try to remember, but I make myself crazy, making up things almost…" she trailed off, her voice softer.

Alex looked down at her hands, not sure which was worse: the constant face she saw in her mind, or a mask. "Is this the hardest thing you've ever done?" she asked, surprised at the question in her voice, her own desire to know.

Jessica fixed a pensive blue stare on her. "I don't know. All these people, the procedure, the disconnect from emotion in this place. I'm almost afraid that this is the easiest part." She let her head hang for a moment, her fingers wrapped in the strap of her purse.

"Are you here alone?" Alex blushed at her question, the probing behind it.

Jessica nodded her head. "A friend offered to come with me, but I called her at the last minute this morning, told her not to come. I felt like I was reneging a party invitation," she said with a twist of a smile. "It's just something I prefer not to share with anyone…" She shrugged. "Maybe not the most emotionally responsible way to deal with things… What about you?"

Alex matched the woman's shrug with her own, wondering how to answer the question. She had asked Olivia to be there today, had wanted her there. Now that she was faced with walking into the courtroom, however, she felt that same sense of weakness creep into her spine, and she felt the need to demonstrate her own strength, no matter the cost. She looked up at Jessica, at a sudden loss for words.

Before she could offer a response, the door opened and Olivia walked in, her eyes widening as she registered Jessica. She gave her a quick smile, walking towards her and putting a hand on her shoulder in greeting. "Jessica, how are you?"

"Waiting with bated breath," the woman responded, and gave Olivia a light smile.

Olivia tried to return the gesture, but she heard the anxiety in her own voice as she spoke. "I just ran into Liz. They're ready. We can walk over."

* * *

><p>The walk to the courtroom was slow and silent, this time Alex trailing just behind Olivia and Jessica. Alex paused for a moment as Olivia opened the double doors, inhaling quickly as she walked in behind Jessica. The older woman's shoulders tensed as she looked over to her left, where Chandler sat, his back facing them. He turned quickly at the sound of the opening doors, glimpsing them, but his features remained flat, expressionless. Jessica slowed her pace and Alex saw her gaze at him, a curious fear pooling in her eyes, as if physically morphing her faceless, masked memories. Olivia came around the side of them, effectively blocking the man from their view as she escorted them to the right side of the room. Liz stood off to the side with an older couple, both slumped and exhausted by grief, who Alex could only assume were the devastated parents of Jamie Worth. The older attorney diverted her eyes for a moment, fixing both Jessica and Alex with a quick, comforting nod. Alex felt Olivia's hand on the small of her back as they stepped inside the row, where they took a seat behind the prosecution table. Liz placed a hand on the older woman's arm, and guided her and her husband to a seat at the other end of the row. Both parents diverted their gaze from the rest of the bustle in the courtroom, each staring into a private section of space immediately in front of them. Liz stepped over towards Alex and Jessica, leaning over the low, ornate wall that sectioned off the room.<p>

"We'll start in a few minutes," she said, jumping right into business, although Alex fully recognized the evaluative way that her eyes studied the three women in front of her. "We'll open, then the defense. Jessica, you'll testify after Melinda Werner, the medical examiner."

Jessica nodded, her voice barely a whisper. "I remember," she said, her blue eyes staring straight ahead.

Liz nodded, her eyes darting toward Alex. "You'll be next."

Alex nodded, already familiar with the order, the story Liz would tell with her witnesses. It had been Alex's own suggestion to start the narrative with a first-person account of the attacks, so that the jury would hear the women's voices in their head as they heard the rest of the testimony: the flutter of police officers, Chandler's coworkers, Jamie's roommates.

The court quieted as the Judge walked in, the bailiff steadily barking his orders, and Liz turned abruptly, settling into her seat, placing her glasses authoritatively on her nose as she bent her head to her notes, running over them as the Judge introduced the charges and ran through procedure for the jury. She looked up at the men and women in front of her, studying them, imagining herself in front of them, running over her opening in her mind. She would make eye contact with each and every one of them, pausing longer in front of the elderly woman in the top left, the two young women seated anxiously in front. She exhaled, sealing herself off from the people behind her, who she knew were looking to her for a sense of justice and peace that she would never be able to deliver. She watched as the Judge gestured towards her, and she lifted herself from the table, buttoning her suit jacket with a strong hand, and crossed over toward the jury, taking a deep breath before beginning her statement.

Alex watched as Liz stood in front of the jury, her own eyes drifting over the men and women with a prosecutorial gaze. A movement further down the row caught her eye: a flash of white, a tissue being lifted gently out of a purse. Jamie Worth's mother leaned back in her seat, clasping her hands in her lap. Liz's words faded into the background, words that Alex had already memorized by heart, and she could do little else than concentrate on the man and woman at the opposite end of the row: the mother's slumped shoulders, the tissue she held crumpled in her hand; the father's tired eyes, the way his hand moved up to cup his chin every couple of minutes. Alex noticed that Jessica's eyes were on them as well, a deep sense of self-loathing in her exhausted eyes that Alex could only think reflected her own guilt.

Alex heard the scrape of a chair against the floor, and saw the defense attorney, Diane Cohen, rise from her chair. A distinct sense of competition welled in her chest, a feeling she recognized from sitting at the prosecution table herself. Alex resisted the urge to pluck her yellow notepad from her purse, the desire to scribble down alternative points and arguments only a reminder of her inverted position in the case. It wasn't her job to listen to those arguments, and she was afraid that if she did, her courage would be slowly eaten away, chiseled into nothing by the time she took the stand. Instead of listening, she took in tiny, private moments around the room. Next to her, Olivia's gaze pointed toward the defense table, the deep brown eyes fixed on the back of Chandler's head with a possessive hatred that Alex recognized from the detective's implosion in the interview room weeks earlier. Across the room, the Judge stared down at her notes, listening academically, while the bailiff stood next to her chambers, his hands clasped in front of him. Her gaze drifted downward, and she saw Jessica's hands gripping her knees, her knuckles white, and she knew that the older blonde had made the mistake of listening too closely. She lost herself in her own hands, which were clasped in front of her, listless. Her fingernails were bitten down to the quick, and she desperately tried to remember when she'd chewed them; it was a habit that she'd never had before. Alex only drifted back to the present when she heard a shuffle behind her, and saw Melinda Werner walking up to the stand, her shoulders squared in straight confidence.

Alex studied the medical examiner, locked eyes with her for a fleeting moment as she was sworn in. One of the attorney's favorite witnesses, she was consummately professional, and was always calm under pressure, even during the most heated cross examinations. She watched as Liz went through the ME's credentials, her history with crime scene processing, the responses identical to the ones Alex had received hundreds of times before during countless trials. She remembered one case in particular, an abused and murdered ten-year-old, the only time she'd seen Melinda even begin to lose her cool. Alex had slowly coached her back into the moment, and the medical examiner had performed immaculately well under the defense's questioning. A sharp intake of breath next to her pulled her back from the memory, and her eyes flitted over to Jessica, whose jaw was clenched tightly. Alex readjusted her attention to the witness stand, where Liz was standing next to a series of enlarged photos. Alex felt her stomach turn as she looked at them, each of them magnifying the gruesome marks that had been carved into the women's bodies. The skin in Jamie Worth's photo was glaringly different than the other two: paler, chalky, as if carved into a ghost. Alex balked at her own photo, her vision blurring across the searing red cuts that she knew all too well. She gripped her knee hard and stared at her hands. She saw Olivia's hand reach towards her own, and chanced a look at the brunette. The brown eyes were diverted toward the floor just underneath the photos, and her throat moved in an uneasy swallow. Alex diverted her gaze back toward her hands, where Olivia's fingers were now entwined with her own, focusing on the sound of Liz's voice as she finished her questioning.

"And what type of knife was found in the box buried in Mr. Chandler's courtyard?"

"A 4-inch Counter Steel Tac-1 blade."

"And is that a double-edged knife?"

"Yes it is."

"And do you attest that it's the same knife used on these three women?"

"Yes."

Liz nodded her head and tossed a confident glance towards the jury. "Nothing further." She sat, already anticipating Cohen's cross.

The defense attorney stood, walking just in front of her own table, crossing her arms over her suited chest as she fixed a discerning gaze towards the medical examiner.

"Ms. Werner, were you present when the lockbox was excavated from Mr. Chandler's yard?"

"No, I was not."

"So you cannot testify as to the way in which this evidence was collected?"

"I fully trust that the detectives that discovered the box followed protocol."

"Did you find Mr. Chandler's fingerprints on the weapon?"

"No."

"You testify that the only thing connecting my client to this box is that it was found in a courtyard outside of his apartment during a procedure that you didn't see?"

Alex watched as Melinda kept her cool, thoroughly familiar with the defense's tactic. Again, her eyes roamed unintentionally towards the photos that still stood by the witness stand. Although she knew better, she couldn't help but look over at the defense table, as if she were called to share the intimacy of her injuries with her attacker once again. Only Chandler's profile was visible as he gazed coolly at the photos. Alex looked back down at her hands, feeling her own throat tighten in shame, the same horrible loneliness pitting in her chest. As Melinda exited the room, Alex saw Jessica's fingers still gripping her knees, and saw the anxious rise and fall of the woman's chest, which made her want to put a calming hand on the woman's arm.

"Prosecution calls Jessica Flanagan to the stand."

The older woman took a deep breath, and Alex quickly reached over to her, giving the shaking fingers a reassuring squeeze. Jessica looked over at her with fearful concentration, and stood, her steady steps echoing through the courtroom, belying a confidence that Alex hoped stayed with her while she was on the stand.

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><p><strong>Note to self: house guests require much attention, and adequately prevent one from finding the time to write responsibly. Hope you guys are ready to read and review :)<strong>

**Thank you so much for all of the wonderful comments and feedback.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Monday, August 8, cont.**

Jessica gingerly stepped up on the witness stand, and Liz gave her a reassuring nod as the bailiff repeated the oath in front of her. The attorney stepped up to her, taking extra care to stand just to her left, so as to open her witness up to the jury, but also to block Chandler from the Jessica's view. She studied the blue eyes in front of her for a moment, which stared back, clear and focused.

"Jessica, can you tell me what you do for a living?"

"I'm Deputy Communications Director for the New York American Civil Liberties Union. Lately I've been handling all external communications for the organization on LGBT rights, including the recently passed New York State marriage law."

Liz nodded, buoyed by the warm calmness that Jessica exuded when speaking about her job, which would go over well with the jurors she had pooled. She coaxed her through several more introductory questions, glancing over at the men and women during her responses, pleased at the mindful nods, the creased brows, the concentrated chins.

"Jessica where were you on July 1?"

"I gave a speech at a Human Rights Watch rally in Manhattan. I was just one of a series of speakers asking that gay marriage be made legal in the state of New York."

"Did anything out of the ordinary happen at the rally?"

Jessica nodded before speaking, tossing a quick glance at the jury. "I did have an altercation with a man who seemed angry not only about the marriage law, but about gay people in general. He accosted me after my speech, and began yelling, telling me we were going to hell, that I was going to hell. I tried not to pay much attention, but he made that very difficult. He was very irate."

"Can you describe him?"

Jessica nodded again. "He was average height, medium build. Thin nose, and bright green eyes. A very distinct green. He was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a red baseball cap."

"And do you see that person here today?"

Liz moved aside for a moment, and saw Jessica's eyes slide toward Chandler, who sat still and composed, his hands clasped in his lap. The woman paused for a moment, then swallowed, and pointed her finger toward the man. "Yes. Raymond Chandler. That's him."

Liz allowed the statement to linger, until each and every juror had peered curiously at the defendant, then quickly moved back into position, her eyes scanning the them as she asked her next question. "Was anyone else with you during this altercation?"

"My partner, Megan, was there – "

"This is your girlfriend, correct?"

"Yes, my girlfriend, partner of four years was there, along with a…" Jessica's voice caught momentarily, and she hesitated, "… a student from New York University, who was President of the school's LGBT organization. We were talking about her work, her interest in human rights, when Raymond Chandler walked up to us."

"What was her name?"

Jessica paused, and she sent a pleading look toward Liz, as if not wanting to utter the girl's name, but swallowed and said, "Jamie Worth."

Liz placed her hands gently on the witness stand, giving Jessica a moment to steady herself. She saw the woman blink back tears as she glanced over at the victim's parents, who sat unmoving. Liz spoke again, softer. "Jessica, can you walk me through what happened to you on July 15, 2011?"

The blonde took another shaky breath, and Liz saw her fingers tremble momentarily in her lap, taking a moment to find her full voice, which came out thickly at first. The attorney pressed a patient gaze towards her, and waited for the rehearsed words to begin.

"I came home from a work dinner, around 8:30. It had rained that night, and all I wanted to do was shower. I was alone in the apartment, Megan, my partner was out of town… I made my way back through the hallway, toward the bedroom. I got about midway past the bed when I felt something catch around my neck, like a wire." Liz saw the trembling hands go up to her neck, then quickly dart back into her lap, as if she was aware of how much they shook. "I felt a man behind me, and I tried to fight him off, but I couldn't breathe. I pushed him back into the wall, which loosened his grip enough for me to get away, but I… I couldn't breathe, I just stumbled forward."

Liz watched as the woman's chest rose and fell in a more rapid succession, and she spoke, just to bring the blonde out of her own memories and back to the room. "Then what happened, Jessica?"

The soothing voice worked, and Liz felt the blue eyes find hers once more. "I made it down the hallway, but I couldn't make my voice work… I couldn't breathe… but he was back on top of me in a moment. I fought him, kicked him, but he had a bar, some sort of crowbar or something that he hit me with… multiple times, my torso, my arms. I kept trying to kick him, but I couldn't move." Liz watched as she cleared her throat, took a breath, and glanced at the jury, but saw her eyes fall to the floor in front of them. "He dragged me back to the bedroom by my wrist, and pulled me onto the bed." Liz noticed her voice strained, and she gestured toward a bottle of water on the stand. Jessica took a sip with a shaky hand before continuing. "He hit me again.. he pulled out a knife and cut into my chest and my thigh, then used it… the handle of the knife, or his crowbar, I don't know… to penetrate me. It hurt." Her face reddened at her understatement, and Liz gently gestured for her to continue. "Then he stopped, and he just sat there on top of me. It was just his mask, looking at me. He hit me a few more times, then he unzipped his pants and raped me. I – I don't know for how long. When I woke up, I was in the hospital."

Liz recognized the end of the story, saw Jessica heave a sigh as she took another shaky sip of water. She nodded, letting the blonde catch her breath and her composure before continuing her questioning, every now and again chancing a look at the jury and assessing their responses to the woman's measured testimony. The downcast eyes, the biting of a lip, all seemed to manifest the horror that they heard play out in front of them.

Olivia watched as Jessica took a sip of her water, and wished for the woman's own sake that the direct was coming to a close. She had felt Alex's hands tightening around her fingers during certain portions of Jessica's testimony, and Olivia recognized them as moments that were similar during both assaults. She felt a horror slide slowly over her, flipping her stomach, and was afraid to glance over at the blonde next to her, fearful that if she did, the lump in her throat would enlarge so much that she wouldn't be able to breathe.

"Nothing further." Liz sat back down, her gaze confident, yet lowered to the floor, and Olivia used the moment to chance a quick glance at Alex. Her lips were pursed, her jaw clenched hard, her eyes unblinking, seemingly transfixed by the woman on the witness stand. At the front of the courtroom, Jessica steeled herself as Cohen walked up to her, not bothering to block Chandler from her view as Liz had. Olivia glimpsed Chandler looking over at the woman with a calm, collected eye, and she hoped for Jessica's sake that she would keep her gaze toward the right side of the room.

"Ms. Flanagan, you are spokeswoman for the American Civil Liberties Union, yes?"

"Yes."

"And how many rallies would you say you've attended over the past six months?"

Liz smirked inwardly as she heard the attorney pursuing the very line of questioning that she and her client had rehearsed earlier. Jessica gave a confident response. "Many. Probably around twelve or thirteen."

Cohen nodded, pausing for a moment, feigning thought. "And how many people would you say are protesting against the ACLU at these rallies?"

Jessica shook her head, already anticipating the question. "I couldn't really say."

"Would you say, quite a few, or just several?"

"I don't know. There's usually twenty or so. Small groups."

"So it's correct to say that Raymond Chandler is not the only person who has protested against the Human Rights Committee?"

"Yes, I guess that's correct – "

"And how many of those protesters do you have verbal exchanges with?"

Jessica narrowed her eyes at the attorney, and Liz caught just a glimpse of the fire that had more than likely made her so good at her job. "I wouldn't know – "

"You wouldn't know? But you seem to definitely remember exchanging words with my client. Was he the only person you spoke with that day?"

"He was the only person who verbally assaulted me – " Liz let the slightest smile curl her lips at the response, but knew that Cohen would force the answer that she wanted to hear.

"Was he the only protester who you exchanged words with on that day?"

"No."

"Did you see the man who raped you, Ms. Flanagan?"

"No, but he – "

"Nothing further, your Honor."

Liz stood, giving Jessica another brief smile as she moved up to the stand, once again taking her regular position, her shoulders calm and reposed as she launched into a redirect that they had practiced. "Jessica, how did you feel during your encounter with the defendant during the rally?"

"I felt threatened. He was angry."

"And did he also direct his anger toward Jamie Worth?"

"Yes."

"And what finally stopped the altercation?"

"Security was called over."

"Why was security called over?"

"We didn't feel safe."

Liz glanced up at the Judge. "Nothing further." She walked calmly back to her table, and couldn't help letting her eyes latch onto Alex's for a split second; they were wide, unseeing, captivated by the woman in front of her.

Olivia observed Jessica as she stepped off the stand. Her shoulders were held high, but her eyes tunneled toward the back exit and she looked at no one as she reclaimed her seat. Alex hadn't moved the entire length of the questioning, but she saw the attorney's hand slide over toward the older woman's, saw Jessica grasp it with a quivering hand, her eyes still staring ahead as she swallowed and pursed her lips.

"Prosecution calls Alexandra Cabot."

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand, and the blonde looked over at her for a split second, flashing a vulnerability that enlarged the size of the lump in the detective's throat. She gave the lithe fingers another strong squeeze, but stayed quiet, giving Alex an assuring nod, attempting to stifle her own fear from reflecting in her eyes. The attorney walked forward, as Olivia had seen her do many times before, but she balked in her seat as the blonde walked up to the witness stand and raised her hand for an oath; it was a role the detective had never seen her play.

Liz's poise was still confident, and she resumed her stance in front of the witness stand, blocking the defense table from view, a trick Olivia had seen Alex perform more than once over the course of their professional relationship. Olivia listened intensely as Liz began her questioning, detailing Alex's experience as a prosecutor and with special victims. The detective made sure that she didn't take her gaze off of the younger attorney, ready to bless her with a reassuring nod if she found herself locking eyes with her; but Alex's gaze remained fixed in a vision of blue steel.

"Alex, can you tell me what happened the night of July 27?"

The younger attorney took a small, breath, then launched into her testimony. "I came home to a friend's apartment, and let myself in, around 8:00… I was in the kitchen for a few moments, warming up some food, then walked toward the bedroom. I noticed that a window was open in the room, although it usually wasn't…"

Olivia felt her gut tighten at the words, the images of her own apartment passing quickly through in her head, then thwarted by the memory of Chandler's coworker, his sneakers propped up against the breakroom table as she'd realized what his words meant. _"I clocked in for him tonight, too." _She felt Jessica glance over at her, and she met the blue eyes for a moment, finding empathy inside them. Alex's voice cloaked the air around her, but she tried to shut out the words that were tied to the horrible visions, afraid that if she heard them, if she pictured them in her mind, her helplessness would overcome her. She focused instead on the physical figure in front of her, the glasses that framed the bright blue eyes, the blonde hair that fell in waves over her shoulders, the prominent collarbone. She concentrated on everything that she loved about the voice and the woman to whom it belonged, in hopes that if Alex caught her gaze, she'd find only strength in the brown eyes, not pity. She kept her mind occupied, thoughts buzzing, until she saw Liz give a nod of her head, and step away from the stand. Olivia felt herself shudder a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding, and she willed Alex to look at her, to make some sort of connection. The blue eyes were still locked in place, as if afraid to move. Cohen walked over, and Olivia felt a surge of protectiveness swell through her, and she narrowed her eyes as the defense attorney spoke.

"How would you describe your relationship with Detective Benson?"

Olivia expected the objection that ripped from Liz's lips as she stood, imploring the Judge, "Objection, Your Honor, relevance?"

Cohen glanced up, defending her question with a wave of her hand. "Your honor, I'm simply exploring the witness' credibility."

"I'll allow it."

Cohen nodded, looking expectantly at Alex, who paused for a moment before answering, attempting to keep her voice casual. "We're close," she replied, not wanting to give Cohen the pleasure of a direct answer.

"Define 'close'."

"We spend time together outside of work."

Cohen nodded, her eyes flashing as she Alex wasn't going to make her questions easy. She probed further. "Do you have a sexual relationship with Detective Benson?"

Liz was out of her seat in a flash. "Objection, your honor, this is simply gossip masking as a cross examination."

"Let's get to the point, Counselor," the Judge urged, giving Cohen a look over her bifocals.

The attorney looked pointedly at Alex, expecting an answer.

"Yes," Alex allowed, her jaw clenched. She felt Olivia's eyes boring into her, but refused to look back at her, knowing all too well that every member of the jury had their eyes on her. Instead, she kept her gaze firmly on the defense attorney, pursing her lip.

"Ms. Cabot, were you aware that Detective Benson was tailing my client before he was charged with any crimes?"

Liz was on her feet again. "Objection, your Honor, if Ms. Cohen wants to explore Detective Benson's actions, she should have called her as a witness."

"Overruled."

"No, I was not aware of Detective Benson's engagement with him before he _raped_ me," Alex returned tersely. Olivia recognized the subordinate tone from the many times she'd heard Alex in court, and she relished hearing it now, a swell of pride in her chest.

"Do you not feel compelled to accuse my client due to your lover's vendetta against him?"

"Objection!" Liz was on her feet again, her tone exasperated as she threw her hands up.

"Withdrawn, your Honor. Nothing further."

Olivia's hands had balled into fists in her lap, and she worked to steady her breathing, the butterflies in her stomach fluttering into nausea. Liz immediately stood, walking towards Alex, resuming her strategic position, and leaned towards the younger attorney. "Alex, had you ever seen Raymond Chandler before July 23, when he was brought in for questioning?"

"No."

"When was the next time you saw him?"

"Four days later. When he raped me." Olivia recognized the same vehemence as the word was spat from the blonde's lips.

"How long were you able to see his face?"

"Like I said earlier, I ripped off his mask, I saw his eyes – I recognized him and tried to run. The next time I saw his face was when he ripped off his mask while he was on top of me. Right before he began to cut me – " Alex halted her words, pursing her lips, and Olivia could see her jaw working intensely, her teeth grinding. But her eyes held fear.

"Did he ever put his mask back on?"

"No."

"Nothing further." Liz refrained from glaring over at Cohen as she returned to her table, but did float her gaze up to Olivia, whose shoulders were rigid with protective anger. Cohen looked up at the Judge, standing slightly as she beseeched, "Is there time for re-cross, Your Honor?"

Liz forced back an eye roll, clasping her hands impatiently in front of her, forcing back the objection that threatened to rip from her throat. The Judge pursed her lips, but nodded, allowing it. "You've got one minute."

Cohen walked over to Alex, standing just in front of her, opening up a clear view of the defendant. "Ms. Cabot, when did you hit your head?"

Alex looked at her blankly, and Liz saw the glimpse of confusion pass through her features. "What?"

"During the attack, do you remember when you hit your head?"

"He banged my head against the floor after I ripped his mask off."

"Are you certain?"

Liz refrained from giving Alex an assured nod, stopping just short of coaching her own witness; Alex would know that Cohen was simply trying to rattle her, nothing more.

"Yes, I'm certain."

Cohen gave a studied nod before continuing. "And how long did you say you saw your attacker the second time?"

"I – I don't know. I lost consciousness at some point." The blonde's voice was a pitch higher, and Liz recognized the strangeness of it. She felt Olivia's gaze burning into her, probing for an objection, but she had nothing to stand on; the questions were valid. Alex glanced quickly toward the defense table and Liz gave an imperceptible shake of her head, an objection sliding up her throat, if only as a distraction to redirect the younger attorney's attention away from her attacker. Before she could rise to her feet, Alex continued, her voice throttled and bitter, as if it couldn't quite make it out of her throat intact.

"Long enough for him to cut into me, penetrate me with a crowbar, and rape me." Alex felt her voice catch, heard the lilt of her words and she cursed herself, willing her breath to steady. The green eyes bored into her own, and she tried to force her gaze back to Cohen. She couldn't chance looking at Liz, or Olivia, or anyone else, afraid that they would see the weakness in her.

"Why would your attacker intentionally remove his mask, Ms. Cabot, while you were still conscious?"

Alex felt her mind tunneling inward as her eyes slid back toward the defendant, his eyes drawing her gaze like a magnet. "I don't know," she said, and she felt Chandler's words being whispered in her ear, as if he were on top of her again, his voice mingling with the pain, "_Tell me what she does to you."_ She closed her eyes, mentally blinking away the memory, but the words still echoed in her head. "Because he's a sadistic bastard." She wasn't sure if she had managed to choke the words out of her throat or not, but she felt empty space in front of her, and saw Cohen walking back to the table, for a split second blocking Chandler's gaze. Her focus blurred, and his eyes were on her again, bright green, a hazy smirk on his lips, and she squirmed lightly in her seat, as if she could feel his hands on her. Everyone else was burrowed out of the room, and once again she was alone. Just she and him.

Liz stepped toward the stand quickly, working to contain her bubbling anger at the pointless re-cross. She kept a steady gaze on Alex, concerned at the blankness in her gaze. "Alex," she said, attempting to bring the woman back to the present. She pursed her lips, concern leaking from her eyes as the younger attorney remained unresponsive, as if she hadn't heard Liz's words. She leaned in closer, trying to capture the woman's attention. "Alex," she repeated gently. "Do you need a minute?" Olivia watched the scene unfolding, and felt herself gripping the railing in front of her, recognizing the signs of a flashback, the pained gaze, the empty features; she knew Alex needed to get off that stand.

Liz gazed up at the Judge, imploring her. "Your Honor, nothing further. I request a fifteen minute recess."

The Judge nodded, banging her gavel gently, so as to not disturb the rigid woman sitting to her left. "Court will recess for fifteen minutes. We'll return at 12:00." She darted a look towards Liz, her eyes no longer bored, but instead concerned. "Donnelly, you need some help?" she asked. The older attorney shook her head, her eyes still on Alex.

Olivia was on her feet in a flash, sliding past Jessica, towards the front of the room as the courtroom emptied. "Alex?" she said, knowing better than to make contact with her during a flashback. "Alex, it's over, you did fine." Liz stepped aside, allowing the detective to move closer to the stand, her voice soft and soothing as she gently coaxed the younger attorney from her thoughts. She saw Jessica standing in the aisle, concern and a sad recognition etched into her face.

Alex stood abruptly, scraping her chair against the floor, her eyes no longer vacant, but metallically cold. "I'm fine," she said, with a shaky wave of her hand.

"Alex – " Olivia began, but she was cut off with a sidelong glower.

"I said I'm fine," the attorney reiterated, but there was a slight tremble that undulated through her voice. "I just need some air." She stepped off of the witness stand, keeping her gaze in front of her, embarrassed to make eye contact with the two women in front of her, who she could feel watching her intently. She met Jessica's gaze from across the courtroom, peering at her with an intimate understanding. Alex unintentionally diverted her gaze toward the older couple to the woman's left, where Jamie Worth's parents sat looking at her with worried apprehension. She felt a hand on her arm, but shrugged out of it, eliminating any sort of comfort, which she didn't feel she deserved. Her eyes darted toward the door, and she felt a primal need to be outside, away from a place in which she no longer had the control or the confidence that she'd once had wielded so proudly. She walked away hurriedly, and could almost feel Olivia's disappointed gaze burning into her, but refused to look back.

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><p><strong>As always, reviews are my favorite, and I'm so glad you're still reading.<strong>

**I'm tossing around thoughts for a oneshot or two. If you have any ideas that you'd like to see written, but don't actually want to write them, message me. I'll give you full inspiration/creation/collaboration credit :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**Monday, August 8, cont.**

Olivia watched, her feet rooted to the floor, as Alex rushed towards the doors, the blonde head down in a guilted shame. Liz's hand was quickly on her arm, giving the brunette a needed nudge forward. "Go," the older attorney urged. Olivia felt her feet move, seemingly in slow motion, and she followed quickly behind Alex, moving slowly through a murky haze, the attorney's name slipping from her tongue. "Alex..."

Liz watched Olivia fumble towards the doors, then moved her gaze over to Jamie's parents, who rose slowly from their seats, expressions ragged. She walked to them, her throat tightening as she asked, "Can I get either of you anything to drink? Water? It will be just a short recess."

The man shook his head, his gray eyes tired. "No, no. I think we could all use some air," he said, looking gently down at his wife, who was shredding a crumpled tissue in her hand. Liz nodded, opening her mouth to say something else, but thought better of it, instead watching silently as they inched across the aisle towards the double doors. Her gaze turned lastly toward Jessica, who sat slumped into her chair, her head bowed. As Jamie's mother passed by, she reached out from her husband and clasped Jessica's shoulder, giving it a small, comforting squeeze, which caused the woman to raise her head, her eyes shiny with tears.

"Jessica," Liz said, taking a seat next to her. "You did wonderfully up there." She paused while the blonde ran a hurried hand across her wet eyes. "Can I get you anything?"

Jessica shook her head slowly, and Liz nodded, staring straight ahead at the empty courtroom, a vacancy in her chest; she willed herself to feel anger, something she could act upon. After sitting for a moment in silence, she placed a gentle hand on the other woman's shoulder. "Let me walk you some place private," she said, a welcome, primordial rage suddenly striking in her gut. "Then I need to have a few words with the defense."

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><p>"Alex, wait," Olivia called, following the taller woman into the wide hallway of the courthouse. Alex turned, but her gaze at was level at brunette's chest, unwilling to slide upwards. "I want to be alone," she pleaded, and Olivia could see the pain in her eyes. "Just let me be alone for a minute," she repeated, her voice unsteady.<p>

Olivia understood the request, but couldn't walk away; she wanted to provide some sort of comfort, and wished that Alex could understand that primal need and allow her to fulfill it. She reached an arm out to the blonde's shoulder, wanting to run her hand across the clenched jaw, behind the pale neck, and pull her into a protective embrace. Instead, she uttered words that she knew would fall flat from her lips. "You did fine up there, you did everything right."

Alex felt her chest open, allowed herself to feel the meaning behind the words, but still couldn't meet the detective's gaze. She wished being on the witness stand had been an out of body experience, one that was merely disorienting; instead, she felt as if she'd stumbled upon a truer, weaker version of herself. She hadn't wanted that feeling, here, of all places; she wanted to remain in control of the one facet in her life that she had refused to allow him command over. But he had won, and she had faltered; she lowered her gaze to the floor.

Olivia saw that her words did little to knock down the attorney's steadfast resistance, and she retracted her hand from the rigid shoulder, aware that she had no idea how to comfort the woman in front of her, and wasn't even sure if it was her place anymore. "Alex…" she tried again, "I – what you did in that courtroom was incredibly brave, you of all people know that – "

Alex tried for a smile, but it came off lopsided and shaky, and she hated herself for it. "Olivia, I know what you're trying to do, and thank you – " Alex's eyes flashed towards her – "but I just need a few minutes alone." She registered the detective's physical pullback, and she felt her stomach tighten with something like selfishness, but she felt a distinct urge to prove her strength, if only to herself. Olivia stared back at her, almost uncomprehending, then her eyes shifted, and she let out a slow, disaffected nod.

Alex seemed to feel the disconnect, and used it to her advantage, shaking her head apologetically. "I just need a minute," she repeated, her hand reaching out towards the detective's but failing to make contact as she inched towards the door. Olivia watched her walk away, and the helplessness left a vacuum in her chest, causing her to suck in a heavy breath as she attempted to keep her eyes dry. A slash of nausea whipped through her stomach and bile rose quickly in her throat with the sudden realization that she had lost something very dear, that it had been stolen from her. She turned, pushing herself through the throngs of people, hoping to make it to the restroom before her dry heaves overwhelmed her exhausted body.

* * *

><p>Liz walked briskly through the grand hallway, her heels clicking angrily against the floor as she rounded a corner, her eyes angrily searching through the people around her. At the end of the hallway, Lydia Cohen stooped in front of a vending machine, plucking a bottle of water from the dispenser. She turned as Liz's shoes clacked angrily towards her. Before she could offer a greeting, Liz was on her.<p>

"What the hell was that?" the blonde attorney demanded, rage storming across her hazel eyes.

Cohen startled at the outburst, but she pursed her lips, placing her free hand on her hip. "What was _what_?"

Liz gestured angrily behind her toward the courtroom. "There was no reason for you to railroad her like that. You've already lost your goddamn case, and now you're just making sure the jury hates both you and the sadistic beast you're defending."

Cohen tightened her lips, meeting Liz's glare. "Donnelly, I'm doing my job. You'd do the same thing if you were in my shoes."

Liz physically scoffed. "Like I would ever be in your twisted shoes. These women have been through enough without you dragging them over the coals for nothing." She spat her words and could feel her control sliding through her fingers, which curled into fists at her side as she continued. "Our prying questions, back and forth, just so twelve random strangers can listen in on their most horrifying moments, and then decide how many years Raymond Chandler will lie in a cell and relive his own twisted fantasies." She took a breath, inhaling quickly, her eyes locked onto her adversary.

Something changed in Cohen's face, and she handed over the unopened bottle of water. "Drink this," she said gently, her eyes studying the woman before her. "I tried pleading this out with you, Liz. Don't blame me now that we're at trial and you're second-guessing putting your victims on the stand." She gave her a serious look. "Don't get confused on who the monster is here, Elizabeth. It's not me. I'm just doing my job."

Liz uncapped the water, and took a long sip, the wetness cooling the burning in her stomach as she shook her head, still reeling from an anger that was directed toward something wholly larger than her, something unnamable.

"Why are you prosecuting this case?" Cohen asked genuinely, a concerned gaze running across the bags under Liz's eyes, the furrow that permanently lined her brow.

Liz stared at her, and felt a vacuum around her, seeming to suck in every available response she had. "I don't know," she said at a loss, and for a moment she felt failure engulf her; the outcome of the case wouldn't matter, wouldn't rectify anything. "It's just what I knew how to do."

Cohen set her with sympathetic eyes, and placed a hand on her arm. "Take a breath, Elizabeth. Here, in this building, we're just doing our jobs. Remember that."

* * *

><p>Olivia splashed water over her face, trying to clean herself up as much as possible in the tiny sink in front of her. She snatched a paper towel from the dispenser, and wiped her face aggressively, as if trying to mop away her emotions. Although she'd just emptied the contents of her stomach, she still felt the nausea lie deep in her gut, and felt the burn of bile at the back of her throat. The door opened, and Olivia hustled to compose herself, but felt her armor drop when she saw Jessica walk towards her, holding out a bottle of sparkling water.<p>

"Thought you might need this," she said, her eyes sad, but concerned.

Olivia nodded her thanks, opening the bottle with a fizzy snap and taking a long sip, hoping the carbonation would settle her stomach. "You wouldn't happen to have any chewing gum, would you?" she asked, almost bashfully.

Jessica nodded. "Chewing gum, prescriptions, a flask," she said, sifting through her purse. "These days about the only thing I _don't_ carry around is marijuana." She gave Olivia a small smile. "Didn't think it wise to bring to the Superior Court of Manhattan."

Olivia tried to grin, appreciating the humor, even if her features couldn't quite show it. She exhaled deeply, and took another sip of the bubbly water. She registered Jessica's red-rimmed eyes, and extended the bottle back to her. "I know today was hard," she said. "And at the end of the day, my words mean little, but you were very strong on that witness stand."

Jessica shook her head at the bottle, pushing it back towards the detective. She crossed her arms protectively over her chest. "I could've lost it at anytime. It's eerie, being up there." She gave an almost invisible shudder as she looked up at Olivia. "How is Alex?" She turned her head towards the stalls, as if expecting to see the attorney come out of one.

Olivia shook her head, helplessness pooling into her eyes again, and she blinked hard. "I don't know," she said sadly. "She wanted some time alone."

She felt Jessica's caring hand on her back, rubbing in gentle circles, and let her head hang once again toward the sink. "Flashbacks have a tendency to rip you from the world that you've tried to become accustomed to," Jessica said softly, staring vacantly. "Sometimes is takes a little while to feel connected back to the present. Just give her a little time."

Olivia didn't respond, but instead kept her head low, spilling her words into the porcelain sink. "She looked at me as if she hated me."

Jessica removed her hand from Olivia's back, and stared at her through the mirror, her blue eyes wide. "She hates herself," she said. "Just give her time."

"I can give her all the time she needs, I just want her to talk to me." Olivia felt the desperation in her voice, and shook her head, leaning against her hands. "I feel like we're both drowning here," she whispered. She noticed Jessica's deadened blue eyes reflecting back at her in the mirror above the sink.

"Then quit trying to save her."

* * *

><p>"Alex," Liz called, spotting the attorney, who was leaning against a courthouse column, watching morosely as people hustled past her, unable to hear her boss' summons. "Alex," Liz repeated, putting a hand on her shoulder. The blonde rounded on her quickly, and Liz expected the rage that she saw welling the blue eyes.<p>

"How could you let her railroad me like that on the stand?" Alex exclaimed, waving her hands in front of her. "You could have objected to that re-cross!"

Liz put a hand up to halt the younger attorney's tirade. "She did not railroad you up there. You did fine."

Alex laughed bitterly, averting her gaze toward the sky. "The hell I did. I lost control."

"Alex – "

"Juries don't buy histrionics anymore, Liz, they've seen it too much on TV."

"Alex, look, you're done for the day. Let Olivia take you home, get some rest."

"No." The shake of the attorney's head was more than adamant, and Liz saw the desperate attempt Alex was making at regaining her control. She knew that look, but had never seen it coupled with such desperation.

"Why not?" she probed, hoping humor would bring the attorney down from the emotional ledge she was hanging from. "Afraid I'll make a mistake?"

Alex rolled her eyes, crossing her hands across her chest. "Whatever you're trying to do, you can't keep me out of that courtroom. I can handle being here for this, Liz." Her voice became strained, possessive. "It _happened to me_. If anyone needs to be here, it's me."

"No one is questioning that, Alex. But being here doesn't change anything. You can be back here Wednesday when we reconvene. Let Olivia take you home."

Liz balked at the assertive flash in Alex's eyes as she whipped an icy blue gaze back towards her boss. "I don't need Olivia to take me home. I don't _need_ anyone." Her eyes flashed back towards the courthouse, and she gave Liz a challenging look. "I think our time is up," she said, moving towards the courthouse entrance. Liz grabbed the attorney's arm, but the taller blonde wrested it away, glaring down at her with an unrecognizable sense of resistance. The older blonde let the moment pass, speechless, watching as the ADA stepped back towards the courthouse, her fists curled determinedly at her sides.

* * *

><p>Olivia set the containers of Chinese food on the counter, taking them out gingerly, eyeing the late hour on her watch, only confirming her exhaustion. "Alex," she called, wondering how the attorney had occupied her afternoon. Olivia had sat silently next to the blonde during the afternoon session of the trial, there in body if not in spirit. The Judge had recessed for the day soon after the testimony of Jessica's neighbor and the police officers working the Worth case, and Alex insisted upon seeing herself home, encouraging the detective to head to the precinct to finish up some neglected work. Olivia wiped her hands precariously on her slacks, and walked towards the back bedroom, calling the attorney's name once again. She spotted her in the bedroom, a series of pictures and photo albums sprawled on the bed, the blonde seemingly mesmerized by the large black camera she held in her lap. She looked up at Olivia, gave her a quick, casual wave, as if it had been any average day. "Hey."<p>

Olivia walked towards the bed, her eyes scanning the pictures: of Alex, family, friends, precarious smiles. "What are you up to?"

Alex sighed, gesturing half-heartedly at the photos, her eyes nostalgically peaceful. "Just browsing," she said. "I haven't looked through these in over a year. I almost forgot about them."

Olivia scanned some of the photos as she perched next to the attorney, but kept her space. Her eyes ran over people she'd never seen, never heard about: friends, Christmases, birthdays, vacations. She glanced over at the blonde, and it suddenly hit her how little she knew about the woman next to her. Alex glanced up at her with a small smile, which disappeared quickly at the brunette's puzzled expression. "What's wrong?" she asked, unable to read the detective's blank eyes.

Olivia shook her head, and dipped her head back down to the photos, masking the anxiety that suddenly creased her brow. "Nothing," she insisted.

Alex scooted closer to her, and fingered the camera. "We don't have any pictures of us," she said. "Except for that one in New York Daily News after that Kieran case." She scrunched her nose in mock playfulness. "Not a great photo op." She held the camera up at an angle, and pressed her head against the detective's. "Smile," she said, and the camera flashed, the brightness resounding in Olivia's eyes even after Alex had separated from her and dipped her head toward the image screen. "Nice," she said, with an appreciative nod. "Go, go Gadget-Arm." She looked back up at Olivia, and noticed the same expression, as if the woman had seen a ghost, and Alex could almost feel her feigned pleasantness boomeranging off the detective; she quickly backtracked. "I was just putzing around," she explained, "and came across these, that's all. Doesn't mean anything." She set the camera down beside her and started to gather the photos, stacking them gently, intent on changing the subject. "You brought dinner?"

Olivia nodded slowly, then reached out and helped Alex pile the photos, gazing at her with a sidelong look. "Do you want to talk about what happened today?"

Alex stared down at the photos, knowing that the question would come eventually, but not wanting to bring up the emotions she'd worked so hard to suppress. "Not really, Liv," she said, sighing. "I'm just a little tired."

Olivia felt her own exhaustion baring down on her, and wished she could simply go to bed, forget the haphazard discussion, do away with the energy that it took to wring emotions out of Alex. "Whatever you need," she said softly, her hands abdicating the pile of photos she held.

Alex felt the tension in her tone, and turned her head towards the brunette. "Nothing happened today that's worth talking about," she insisted.

Olivia nodded again, handing over the stack of photos she had collected, a feeling of defeat washing over her, coating her with fatigue. "I'm going to get dinner ready," she said, resigned.

Alex watched her get up from the bed, and sucked her teeth, the distinct feeling that she had done something wrong nagging at her, that same selfish feeling that she didn't want to acknowledge. "Olivia, I just want to put today out of my mind."

"Whatever you need," the brunette replied, and she felt the bitterness that undulated through her comment, a rising shame flaring in her gut, but still, she couldn't repress her next comment, which surprised her with its insensitivity. "I'm not here to be a grief counselor," she mumbled as she walked out of the bedroom.

Alex felt her face flush at the comment, a familiar, identifiable anger tugging at her chest, and pulled herself off the bed, following Olivia down the hallway. "Do you even _know_ why you're here anymore?" she asked, knowing that the answer meant more to her than to the detective.

Olivia put a hand through her hair, narrowing her eyes, feeling a dangerous resentment floating in her stomach, threatening to surface. She swallowed it down, and diverted her gaze toward the large window, the lights of the city. She didn't have an answer. She thought she did. A week ago, she would have known, but now she wasn't sure whether she was there for comfort, free therapy, or just a warm, safe body. Being all of these things, so quickly, was taking its toll on her, and a relationship that she had been so sure about only a month earlier. She felt her face redden as the unjustifiable bitterness morphed into a burning shame, then solidified into a heavy guilt that weighed her in down in place.

"You don't know, do you?" The soft voice pulled Olivia's gaze away from the window, and she saw the question in the blue eyes, which quickly morphed into a cold, distancing anger.

"Alex… I'm here because I want to be. I have a duty to – "

The cold eyes flashed, protectiveness floating through them. "You have a duty to your _job_," she said, her voice a low rumble. "That's not the feeling I want you to have towards me." She felt tears stinging her eyes, and she worked to close her throat, willing them back. She felt an urge to be alone, then she felt the familiar helplessness as fear pooled in her gut; she needed Olivia near her.

The detective felt a pang of sadness at the confusion that crossed through the blue eyes, and she walked back towards Alex, rubbing her hands along the thin arms. "Shh," she said. "It's been a rough, long day, Al. Let's just eat, okay?" She kneaded the blonde's shoulders, but Alex pulled away from her, a realization dawning on her features as she took in the bags under Olivia's eyes, the drooping of her shoulders, the full-fledged resignation. She took Olivia's hand, pulling her towards the couch, but the brunette stood rooted in place.

"Let me give you a massage," Alex coaxed, pulling the muscular arm again, running her fingers over the olive-hued forearm.

Olivia shook her head, her mouth still drawn in a tight, tired line. The touch didn't feel right, and she saw what she thought was desperation in the blue eyes that looked back at her. "Al, let's just eat, I don't need a massage, I'm fine."

The desperation turned into a closed fear, the blue eyes turning cloudy, and the voice that strummed out of the attorney's voice was high-pitched and loose. "Olivia, I can take care of _you_, too," she said, her voice thin. "I – I'm so sorry - I – I know this is hard for you. Let me show you. I know you didn't sign up for this. Let me show you, I can take care of you," she pleaded. "Like you take care of me." The grip on Olivia's arm tightened. "Just let me," she begged.

Olivia gave Alex's hand a gentle squeeze. "I know," she whispered. "But for right now, let's just eat," she said, a soft appeal in her voice, the wish to return to normal almost as pressing as the attorney's own pleas, her energy depleted.

Alex heard the resignation, and dropped the detective's hand with a small, unrequited nod, recognizing the tiredness in her tone, her own request dying on her parted lips. She watched as Olivia shuffled toward the kitchen, quietly, silence permeating the space around them. Alex stared out of the window, willing herself out of the city, out of her broken body, out of the grief that she felt would ruin what had once been so wonderful.

* * *

><p><strong>More to come, and hopefully quickly. Thanks for reading, reviewing, and commenting. You guys are awesome :)<strong>


	26. Chapter 26

**Tuesday, August 9**

Olivia opened a pair of groggy eyes, the early morning sunlight wafting gently over Alex's room, a scene that had become familiar to her over the past several weeks: the chair backed against a corner, the dresser, strewn with whatever necklace the attorney had worn the day before, the open door of the closet. She felt the space occupied next to her, and turned her head toward the sleeping attorney, whose hair had fallen gently over her face during the night. The detective watched her for a moment, relishing the peacefulness that seeped into the features while she slept, a gentleness that wasn't apparent during the day with the normally clenched jaw, the strong blue gaze. She reached over with a deliberate hand, and lightly pushed away the stray lock of hair, her eyes falling onto the light bruises at the temple, which had become just as familiar a sight as the room around her.

She struggled out of bed, careful not to wake the woman beside her, and shuffled toward the bedroom, a distinct, unpleasurable feeling rising to her throat. She wondered how many mornings the two of them could repeat this same routine, knowing that their actions were not necessarily by choice: Olivia shuddered at the thought of her own apartment, and she could feel frightened Alex was at the thought of being alone. When would they go back to choosing each other, rather than allowing their fear to govern them?

She shook the thoughts from her mind, plucking a pair of pants and a t-shirt from the small space that had been cleared inside Alex's closet, then ducked into the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, wondering when her eyes had become so dark, the brown mixing freely with the darkness of her pupils. She grabbed her cell phone and badge from the nightstand, her fingers drifting automatically towards a number she had dialed more than once in the last week. As she grabbed a banana from the counter, she heard the woman's voicemail pick up. Closing the apartment door behind her, she spoke softly into the phone, hoping her voice didn't sound too desperate.

* * *

><p>Elliot heard the familiar clack of heels against the tile, one that he usually associated solely with his ADA; instead he looked up to see Liz approaching him: the same powerful glower, only hazel eyes fixed onto him instead of the usual icy blue.<p>

"Liz, to what do I owe this pleasure?" he asked, his tone revealing his true thoughts.

She ignored his feigned pleasantries. "Don in the office?" she asked.

He gave a shrug of his shoulders, turning his head back to the paperwork in front of him. "Not sure, Liz. You know I'm not his personal secretary."

"Could've fooled me," Liz quipped back, always one to enjoy a pleasant jab.

Another familiar voice echoed through the precinct. "Liz, what's up?"

Liz and Elliot turned, watching as Olivia made her way into the room carrying a styrofoam lunch container, which assuredly held nothing too nourishing. Liz raised an eyebrow at her, the hazel eyes immediately suspicious. "What are you doing here?" she asked, glancing down at her watch.

Olivia tossed a confused look towards the attorney, her eyes darting questionably around the precinct. "Is that some sort of drag against my work ethic, Liz, or are you serious?"

The Chief squinted her eyes at her. "I thought you were taking Alex to the doctor."

Olivia returned the gaze, recognition dawning on her features. "She told me Helen was taking her."

Elliot raised his eyebrows and put his hands on his desk, pushing himself out of his chair, looking for an opportunity to make himself scarce. "I'll go see if Cragen's in his office," he said, creeping past Liz.

Liz sucked on her teeth, and took a deep, calming breath. Olivia dropped her food on the desk, shaking her head.

"That girl is too independent for her own good," Liz said. She tossed a sympathetic glance toward Olivia, pushing down her own worry. "You can give her an earful when you get home tonight. Until then, don't take it personally."

Olivia nodded, but her eyes stared straight ahead, unseeing. "My new motto," she said, the joke dying flatly on her lips.

Elliot walked back over, gesturing toward Cragen's office. "Captain's in," he said to Liz, giving her a feigned smile and a slight bow.

She nodded at him, raising an eyebrow. "You going to get me a cup of coffee, too?" she asked.

"Don't press your luck, Donnelly," he said, taking his seat once again as the attorney clicked away from them. He tried to catch his partner's gaze, but Olivia's eyes were glazed over in a familiar blankness, one that Elliot had seen far too much over the past couple of days.

* * *

><p>Olivia pushed open the door to the coffee shop, wondering if Jessica had indeed decided to meet her. She hadn't checked her phone since leaving the request that morning, in a casual attempt to fool herself into thinking she didn't desperately need the therapeutic conversation.<p>

She scanned the crowd, spotting Jessica at a corner table, where she sat with a tall mug of coffee, and an open book in front of her. The detective gave a small wave before stepping in line, ordering more caffeine that she knew would add to the anxiety that had already hardened in her gut. She walked over, giving Jessica a smile as she set her mug of coffee down in front of her.

"Well, this can't be about the case," Jessica said, eyeing the detective as she sat down. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Olivia sighed, her eyes gauging the curious blue eyes in front of her. She dodged the question. "I figured you had the time," she said.

Jessica nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. "For another few days, I have all the time in the world," she said. "Then, thank God, it's back to the land of the living." She paused, considering herself. "Or, the half-living, at least." Her eyes turned serious as she closed her book. "How's Alex doing?"

"Quiet."

Jessica waited for Olivia to continue, but nodded after a slight pause. "Well, come this time tomorrow, this whole thing will hopefully be over. Liz said she doesn't expect the jury to be out too long after closing."

Olivia nodded. "Right," she said. "Verdict. Closure." She rolled her eyes, moving her head down to her cup.

"Olivia, don't diminish the value of the verdict tomorrow. It doesn't change anything, but at least if he's put away for the rest of his life, he won't be branding anymore innocent women." Jessica's cheeks flushed in embarrassment, as if she were chagrinned to be playing the role of justice cheerleader.

"No, I know – I know," Olivia said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, it's supposed to be my job to give you the pep talk here."

"I don't think you asked me to meet you here so that you could give a pep talk," Jessica replied, her eyes taking in the emptiness of the detective's. "It looks like you could use one yourself."

Olivia took a sip of her coffee, not answering. "How are you doing? After yesterday? Did you sleep?"

Jessica studied her, aware of a desperate need in the dark eyes, as if hearing her own answers would help the detective supplement Alex's silence. "I spent the majority of the afternoon sitting and staring out of my living room window. Then I spent most of the night staring out of my bedroom window. Not exactly celebratory."

"What was the hardest thing for you yesterday?" Olivia studied the woman as she looked back at her for a moment, thoughtful.

"Are we doing highs and lows?" Jessica asked, her eyebrow raised as she slipped a small, sardonic smile. "My high would be not vomiting all over the witness stand. Unlike you, I managed to wait until I got home."

Olivia felt her cheeks turn crimson, but shook it off with a wave of her hand. "Clearly my standards are lower than yours," she replied.

Jessica let out a small chuckle, and shook her head as she sipped her coffee, her eyes gazing briefly out the window, becoming cloudy with thought. "My actual low… was looking over at Jamie Worth's poor mother, making eye contact with her. And I saw myself through her eyes, this middle-aged, blonde stranger, and I wondered why in God's name I was even _alive_." She paused, and her breath caught. "I will never feel that low again." The detective saw her shudder, and she wrapped her arms around her mug.

Olivia swallowed, and the two sat quietly for a moment, the sounds of the coffee shop permeating the grief around them, until Jessica finally spoke, penetrating the silence with a sarcastic tone. "I'm guessing your high was throwing up in the bathroom. What was your low?"

Olivia didn't respond right away, instead allowing her gaze to stare into the black liquid in her mug. "Resentment," she whispered, once again feeling the weighted guilt in her chest. She sipped her coffee, trying to wash the word out of her mouth. She gazed up at Jessica, and she saw a pained recognition there, which prompted her to continue.

"Jessica, I recognized it yesterday. That feeling in the deepest pit of my stomach, this negativity that I couldn't rid myself of. It came out last night, and I was just so tired… of trying. I resented her."

The older woman shook her head slightly. "It's taken a few therapy visits to get to this, but Olivia, I'll save you the time. You're not resentful _of_ her. You want to make this better _for_ her, and you're upset that you can't. Patience, grief, strength, you're giving it all and it's exhausting. You resent _what happened,_ and that's okay."

Olivia felt tears spring into her eyes, and she blinked them away in a heated embarrassment. She felt Jessica's hand warm on hers, and she steeled her gaze out of the window, swallowing hard. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Jessica returned, her fingers squeezing the detective's hand. "It's normal for even a solid couple to have some communication problems, especially after a traumatic event. You and Alex haven't been together that long. There's a lot going on right now that you can't let conflate your relationship."

Olivia shook her head, then nodded, a helpless confusion in her eyes. "I've been staying with her. I wanted to be there for her, just to be there, to make sure she was safe. And I couldn't face going back to my apartment, imagining everything that happened there." She looked over at Jessica, suddenly curious. "How are you staying at your place?"

Jessica raised an eyebrow, as if unsure of her own reasons. "I think it makes me stronger if I stay there. If I left, he would win." She glanced up at Olivia, shaking her head. "It's not a long-term strategy," she said. "But for now, I need something familiar. I can't move into a strange place. I don't trust it." She shrugged. "It's different for you, and that's fine."

Olivia nodded. "I'm looking at other places."

"Maybe that would help. Having a place of your own, being able to let Alex spend some time alone, slowly regain a sense of independence, of trust in herself. Especially in a new relationship. You can't have _this_ be a reason to live together, it will only suffocate the trust you're trying to build."

Olivia looked up at the blonde. "What comes for you, after the trial?" she asked.

Jessica let out a small smile, gave a slight shrug. "I'll go back to work. Smile at coworkers, spend a few all-nighters fixing a speech that an intern drafted. Eventually I'll go out to a dinner here and there, nod as friends tell me about their husbands, or complain about their children's teachers, or how they don't have time to get to the gym as much as they used to. I'll laugh, commiserate, slap on a smile." She fixed her gaze on a couple walking into the coffee shop, hand in hand. "I'll go through the motions. At some point they'll all become meaningful again."

"Sounds like you've got it all planned out."

"Doesn't mean it will happen," she replied. "We can't control everything."

"I at leas hope we can catch up over coffee once in awhile," Olivia said.

Jessica nodded. "I do get something out of these visits," she said. "I always leave feeling a little more normal. And you're a hell of a lot less expensive that Joyce." She laughed, but the sound cut off as her eyes turned serious. She looked hard at Olivia. "But you should still take your own advice. Talk to someone. Or maybe try a support group? They have them for partners, spouses…" she trailed off, and fished into her purse, holding out a small slip of paper toward Olivia. "I looked up a couple nearby, if you want to check them out."

Olivia nodded, reaching through the scrawled addresses. "Couldn't hurt," she said. "Thank you." She glanced back up at Jessica, catching a smile on the woman's lips as she glanced down at her watch.

"Speaking of therapists," Jessica said, taking another long sip of her coffee, her blue eyes flashing with a sense of eagerness. "I'm off to see the wizard."

* * *

><p>Alex sat, flipping through an old copy of Psychology Today, as she sat in Joyce Doyle's small waiting room, its modern furniture arranged so as to elicit as minimal emotion as possible from its tenants. The door to the doctor's office opened, and Alex heard Joyce give her familiar "See you next time." Alex raised her head, and her mouth dropped open in silent surprise as she locked eyes with Jessica Flanagan.<p>

"Alex," the woman said, her own eyebrows raised. "I didn't know you saw Joyce."

Alex stood. "I didn't know you were, either," she said, giving Jessica a gracious smile. "I guess we both have Olivia to thank for that. I'm usually here on Wednesday's, but with the trial, I convinced Joyce to squeeze me in today."

Jessica's smile floated from her lips, which straightened into a serious line. "Alex, for what it's worth, I thought you showed great strength yesterday. I can't imagine what was that must have been like..."

Alex raised a curious eyebrow at her. "I would think that you _could_, actually."

Jessica gave her an embarrassed grin, then quickly turned serious, her words stumbling over her lips. "No, I – I – I'm a spokesperson and this isn't coming out right – " she said, shaking her head. "What I mean is that to see him again, to have him look at you, and to be able to do what you did, I – I – that's something to be proud of."

Alex let out a small smile, and gave a slight nod of her head, the woman's words meaning more to her than she let on. "I didn't feel strong when I was up there," she said quietly.

"No, I'm sure you were terrified. I know I was. But you did it anyway. I don't think there's ever a time when you _feel_ strong. You just _are_."

"Jessica, keep this up and I won't have to see Joyce today at all." She gave her a small smile, slightly dipping her head. "Thank you."

"Please, Joyce is worth all of the money in the world," she said, with a wave of her hand. "I hope she's helping you. And I do hope Olivia decides to go to a few sessions, or at least check out that support group I mentioned to her. It could be really helpful."

"Support group?"

Jessica nodded. "Hopefully she'll check it out. Otherwise I'll have to start charging her." She gave a slight smile as she lifted her purse higher onto her shoulder.

Alex's expression slowly shifted, her eyes narrowing. "You two have been… talking?"

Jessica took note of the subtle change in the attorney's features, the slow realization dawning in the cerulean eyes. "I thought she'd said something to you," she stammered, confusion contorting her forehead. "We spoke just a few times here and there. I think she just needed to sort some things out."

Alex felt herself swallow the lump in her throat, assessing the woman in front of her. Joyce poked her head out of her office. "Alex, come on in when you're ready," she said, giving the two of them a polite smile.

Jessica turned her attention back to Alex, her smile fading, her eyes apologetic. "I didn't mean to intrude… I'm so sorry if I overstepped my bounds here. That – that wasn't my intention."

Alex shook her head, feigning a smile. "No, no, of course not. I'm glad she's talking to someone – unprofessional or professional," she said with an overtly casual wave of her hand. Her chest felt empty, as if something had been ripped from inside her. She pointed towards Joyce's open door. "I'm going to…"

Jessica nodded as she trailed off. "Of course."

Alex looked at her curiously, noting her lack of anger at the older woman, but still feeling a hollow sadness inside her. "I'll see you tomorrow at the courthouse?"

"I'll see you in 120A," Jessica replied amiably. "Take care, Alex."

"Thank you…" she said again, although she felt a double-sided pang in her stomach as the next words floated through her lips, "… for helping Olivia." She watched as the woman exited and Alex turned once again toward Joyce's open door, plastering a tight smile across her lips, afraid that if she didn't, the helpless sob that was pooling in her stomach would rip violently through her.

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><p><strong>I love your reviews, your comments, your pleasures, your displeasures :)<strong>

**More updates to come, and possibly the continuation of another one-shot?**


	27. Chapter 27

**Tuesday, August 9, cont.**

Alex felt the bourbon blaze quickly down her throat, and waited for the pleasant, familiar burn in her stomach. She stared at the bottle in front of her, which had been half full when she stumbled in from therapy, and was almost surprised to find that there was only a third left. She should be drunker than she felt. She reached over and tipped the bottle toward her glass again, relishing the way the amber liquid flowed over the rocks of ice, which had by now been shaped into small, rounded pebbles.

A key turned in the lock, and Alex felt another burning in her chest, one that had little to do with the glass that she gripped tightly in her hand. She had sat down with a drink in order to sort through her feelings, which she had neglected to talk about with her therapist; some form of shame, the newness of the information, had made her want to keep it to herself. Still, more than an hour later, she had succeeded in nothing but numbing her brain, which gave free reign to the swirl of emotions that pooled dangerously in her gut. She heard the door close, the soft padding of Olivia's shoes walking the short entryway, the brown head poking into the dining room. The crooked smile turned into a question as the detective raised her eyebrows at the opened bottle. "Hey," she said, her brown eyes cautious. "Rough day?"

"Not so rough anymore," Alex replied, raising her glass, staring curiously at the brunette, as if seeing her for the first time. "Welcome home."

Olivia noted the murky blue eyes, the way they seemed to probe into her from an alcohol-induced haze. She reached over and took the glass that Alex had settled in front of her, stealing a quick sip. "I'm assuming you're off your antibiotics?"

Alex gave her a sloppy grin. "That wouldn't be as much fun, would it?" She pried the glass from the detective's fingers, giving an exaggerated nod of her head, the blonde hair fluttering from her haphazard ponytail. "Yes, I'm off my meds." She giggled at herself, and the sound, almost foreign in its strangeness, startled Olivia.

"I thought Helen was taking you to the doctor this morning?" she attempted casually. "Did you go alone?"

Alex nodded proudly, baring her teeth in a smile, and she pulled aside the neck of her sweater, exposing the marks that she had guarded so carefully over the past three weeks. "Got my stitches out," she said, emphasizing her remark with a celebratory sip of her drink.

Olivia chanced a glimpse down at the wound, bristling at the thickness of the deep lines, the dark red that seemed to fan outwards across the colorless, somewhat sallow skin. She stared a moment too long, and caught the strangeness in Alex's eyes as she let the shirt flap quickly back over her chest. Olivia recovered, her words spilling quickly from her lips as she felt heat creep into her face. "They're healing fast." She leaned over and placed a light kiss on the attorney's head, hiding the flush in her cheeks.

Alex darted her chin up and captured Olivia's lips with her own with an almost desperate need. The action caught the brunette off guard her lips lax for a moment, but she placed her hands along the attorney's jaw, taking advantage of the tongue that probed softly at her lips. She tasted bourbon, and gingerly broke the kiss. "Wow," she said. "What did I do to deserve that?"

Alex didn't answer, and instead raised herself out of her chair, sliding it indelicately back from the table and placing her hands on Olivia's shoulders. "Everything," she said, pushing the brunette lightly against the wall, her lips curling upward, but not quite into a smile. Olivia opened her mouth to protest, but Alex crushed her lips against hers, effectively silencing her. The blonde's hands slid around her shoulders as she deepened the kiss, her tongue once again gaining entry to the detective's mouth. The hands traveled further down the muscular back, and slid around to the detective's hips. The touch felt urgent, and Olivia was unsure of exactly where to place or hands, a voice in the back of her mind sounding a soft alarm. At the feel of Alex's hands on her breasts, she let out an unintentional moan, which caused the attorney to flick her fingers over them, probing her tongue further into the surprised mouth. Olivia gripped the thin hands, and pulled them gently away before running her fingers up over the blonde's cheekbones, slowing the kiss into something more delicate, searching for an intimacy that seemed lost in the frenzied touch. She let her tongue graze sensitively over the attorney's lips, now ignoring the taste of the alcohol, searching instead for the sweetness that she normally found there. She kept her unsure fingers cupping the woman's cheeks, which felt hot under her touch. Alex's hands were suddenly back on her hips, this time squeezing as if to steady herself, and her lean body went rigid under Olivia's touch. She felt her pull away quickly, watching as the attorney leaned into the wall, her head bowed, her breath short. "Damn it," she muttered with a frustrated whisper, her trembling hands circling into fists.

"Hey," Olivia said, closing the space between them, but stopping herself from placing her hand on the blonde's shoulder. "There's nothing wrong here, Alex." The blue eyes that stared back at her were flat, tired.

"There's plenty wrong here."

Olivia shook her head. "It'll take time. We're not running against a clock here."

The blue eyes rolled over at her, and the flatness morphed into a curious contempt. "Maybe we are."

Olivia stood still, a cautionary flag raising in the back of her mind as she raised an eyebrow. "What's that mean?"

Alex's hand drifted up to her chest, hovering ghostly over her thin shirt. "They're so ugly."

Olivia's eyes followed the fingers, felt a familiar pang of exhaustion hit her as the blue eyes in front of her glazed over, signaling an all too familiar descent. Still, the detective felt a need to bring her back. "No… Alex, they're not ugly."

The laugh that slipped from the attorney's lips sounded far away. "I tried on my favorite dress tonight," she began, "that low-cut, black one… remember I wore it to that Christmas party I dragged you to last year?" The blue eyes didn't look over for confirmation, but instead stared blankly ahead. "I just wanted to see how it would look, maybe surprise you when you got home even… when's the last time you've seen me in anything but yoga pants? But these damn scars…" She shifted, her forehead crinkling in concentration. "Will I ever just be able to look at them as a part of me? They _are_ a part of me." She shrugged, pulling herself abruptly out of her self-pity with a shake of her head, a small hiccup. "It could be worse," she said. "And then I think, _why wasn't_ it worse?"

Alex let her head hang, her shoulders slumped, the fingers of one hand now probing painfully into her wound. Olivia cringed, and put a tentative hand up to the attorney's shoulder, pushing the fingers away before dropping her hand quickly back to her side. "Alex, you know we don't make these decisions. We don't decide what happens to people when, or why. It's beyond our control."

Alex's eyes drifted upwards, her pupils small, the blueness seemingly overwhelming, and Olivia shifted in front of her, uncomfortable. "That's what we tell ourselves," she replied cryptically.

Olivia narrowed an eye, wondering if she had missed something, but then chalked the statement up to the bourbon. "Alex…"

The attorney brushed her aside with a wave of her hand, making her way into the kitchen and sifting roughly through a drawer. "Where's the phone number to that Chinese place?" she asked.

Olivia followed her, and plucked the menu immediately from a pile of ads and coupons, handing it over as she tried to bring the conversation back to a healthy exchange. "How was your day?" she asked.

The attorney ignored her, her eyes studiously grazing the menu, as if she hadn't ordered from it at least once a week for the past two years. "Fine," she answered casually. "I got my stitches removed. Saw Joyce. You know, the _un_usual," she said, with a rueful smile.

Olivia looked over at her, looking past the smile as she reached into a cabinet for a glass. "I thought your appointments with Joyce were on Wednesdays?"

Alex nodded, running a finger down the menu, her eyes still averted. "I rescheduled due to court tomorrow. She fit me in this afternoon."

"Right," Olivia replied, opening the refrigerator and pulling out a pitcher, the sound of water pouring into her glass breaking the pensive silence. "How was it?"

Alex felt her shoulders tense, felt the bourbon bubbling her her stomach, and she didn't take her eyes off of the menu as her next words tumbled loudly from her lips, sounding clear, even though her own head felt muddy. "Why don't you ask Jessica Flanagan?"

Olivia felt a burning in her chest as she replaced the pitcher in the refrigerator, attempting to keep her tone light. "What?" She took a long sip of her water, her eyes gauging Alex over the rim of her glass, the blue eyes startling still as they stared back at her. When the attorney didn't answer her, Olivia posed the question in the form of her name. "Alex…?"

The blonde rolled her eyes, plucking her cell phone from the counter. "Oh, come off it, Olivia. Thank God she's a hell of a lot more honest than you." The vehemence in her tone felt like something she couldn't control, and she hated the possessiveness that tightened her voice. She began dialing the number to the restaurant, placing the phone up to her ear, cutting off the rest of the conversation, the bourbon giving her a sense of reckless power.

Olivia felt a strike of anger push her forward, and she yanked the phone from Alex's hand, the blue eyes seemingly unsurprised at the action, as if she had expected, even wanted to be met with outrage. "What the hell does that mean?" the detective asked, working to keep her tone level.

"Why don't you just meet up with Jessica tomorrow, and ask _her _what I meant?" Again, the sense of abusive power, of being able to control someone's hurt.

Olivia took a deep breath, not meeting the icy eyes, but instead eyeing the attorney's hands, the long, thin fingers, the dainty silver ring she wore on her right hand, which she twirled with her thumb whenever she was concentrating. The hands were still now. She exhaled deeply. "Alex, you're blowing this out of proportion."

"Am I?" she scoffed. "Why didn't you tell me you've been meeting with her?"

Olivia shook her head, running her thumb over the smooth screen of Alex's phone as she stared down at it. "It wasn't planned. We met for coffee a couple of times near the precinct. Her partner left her, she's going through this whole thing pretty much alone…"

"You thought you could help," Alex said slowly, and for a moment she felt a deep sense of clarity puncture the haze in her mind, and she recognized the tenderness in Olivia's tone, the altruism that always governed the way she was with victims. The clarity faded quickly, however, and the attorney curled her lips into a sneer. "Detective Benson, always so concerned for her victims. How _exactly_ were you helping?" she asked, paranoia hitching her voice higher.

Olivia looked at her, confusion overtaking her anger, and her mouth dropped open in honest surprise. "What? Alex, we _talked_. We just had a cup of coffee a couple of times."

Alex continued, uncaring. "Why'd you feel the need to hide it? If it's no big deal, if it's just a cup of coffee, why didn't you tell me? You're constantly grilling me about things – "

"_Grilling_ you?" Olivia felt an angry laugh shoot from her throat. "I simply want to know how you're doing, Alex! You're not exactly an open book here."

This time Alex's mouth fell open. "Not an open book? My entire life was just laid out for all of Manhattan to hear yesterday, recorded for posterity, and you're telling me I'm not open about what happened? Were you even _listening_ while I was on that witness stand?"

Olivia's anger morphed into a powerful guilt, which weighted her legs, rooting her downward. She hadn't listened yesterday, hadn't been able to focus on Alex's words, instead willing for the ordeal to be over.

Alex ignored her pause, railing over it. "This isn't something I get pleasure from talking about, Olivia. I'm sure Jessica's a hell of a lot more adjusted than I am… but…"

Olivia saw the anger dissipate for a moment, saw a deep sense of sadness in the blue eyes, and addressed it quietly. "I needed someone to talk to. It wasn't planned, Alex, it just worked out that way. I have to work through some things on my own, too."

"But why did you have to talk to _her_ about it?" she said, her voice rising again, cracking. She felt a sob ache in her chest, and she fought to push it back down, willing her anger to come back to her.

"Alex, what does it matter?" Olivia came closer, attempting to put a hand on her arm, but the attorney shrugged her away, and instead went for her phone. The detective pulled it back, and Alex pounded her fist on the counter in frustration, but the anger still wasn't as potent as she needed it to be. She hit her fist again, enjoying the momentary physical pain, which seemed to distract from the unidentifiable pain she felt when she stared at the woman in front of her.

"Give me my phone." Her voice was low, calculating.

"Alex, don't shut me out, let's talk about this."

"Are you sure you want to talk about it with _me_?" she asked pointedly, pursing her lips.

"Alex, you said yourself that we both need to talk to someone."

"Am I that damaged to you that you have to go off and share your feelings with _another_ rape victim? What's wrong with the one you've got?" she yelled, her voice finally cracking as she placed a hand on the counter to steady herself.

Olivia felt a sharp pang in her chest at the attorney's words, and felt the conversation slowly spiraling out of control. "Alex, that's not what happened, that's not what I talked to her for – "

"Then what was it? What the hell were you looking for? Comfort? Is the infamous fucking _Ice Queen_ not offering you enough solace?"

The sarcasm hurt, and Olivia narrowed her eyes. "Alex, you're not being fair."

Alex reeled on her, the blue eyes flaming, but still cold. "You think I give a shit about what's _fair_ anymore? You think it was _fair_ that I ended up in that apartment that night – " Her voice caught, and her eyes widened, as if she'd put voice to something that she hadn't thought of until that moment.

Olivia's eyes mirrored the attorney's own, tears of frustration, guilt, and anger quickly threatening to spill over her cheeks. "You think I don't think about that?" She swallowed, and felt herself on the verge of pulling back, felt their words becoming too serious, too honest. She reached out a hand toward Alex, but pulled it back as if the attorney were too delicate to touch.

The gesture was not lost on Alex, and she desperately grasped at her anger, allowing it to wash over her. "I'm not _broken_!" she exclaimed. "You're afraid to touch me!"

Olivia pulled her hand back to her side, startled by the outburst. "Alex, I'm trying - I - that's not true. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable?" Alex let out a desolate laugh, one that seemed to cut through the detective. "You want me to be an open book, Olivia? Do you really want to know what goes on in my half-crazy head these days? Want me to tell you how badly I crave your touch, but then when I finally get it, finally feel your hands on me - it - it makes my skin crawl… that what I want to feel... doesn't make me feel better... it makes me feel disgusting, weak, and trapped... That's not _uncomfortable_, it's fucking miserable." Her voice trailed off toward nothingness, and her anger was suddenly gone, leaving her empty, as if she were about to collapse in on herself and disappear. She moved, snatching her phone from Olivia's numb hands, ignoring the hurt in the brown eyes as she walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked, alarmed, still unable to move after the cutting honesty.

"I'm going to find some comfort of my own," Alex said, moving towards the doorway.

Olivia flailed outwards, grasping the attorney's arm in a desperate vice, her brown eyes searching for some recognition in the stony gaze that stared back at her. "Alex, whatever this is, I know it's not how you really feel. Just open up to me, and I promise, I'll listen, I'll help. I'm sorry that I hurt you."

Alex didn't try to remove her arm from Olivia's grasp, but instead gave a pleading look toward the door. "Don't apologize," she whispered. "Just let me go, please." Olivia saw the anguish settle in the blonde's shoulders, saw her lower lip tremble. She let go, willing her to stay, wanting Alex to slip her arms around her, but instead the attorney moved towards the door, snatching her keys from the table, their jangle slicing into the silence. Olivia followed, her words frozen on her lips as she watched the attorney slip out into the hallway. The slamming of the door echoed her fist, which she pummeled into the wall.

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><p>Liz sat at her dining room table, which was scattered with manila files, folders, notepads, and a lone glass of untouched wine. She had an office, but usually found herself spreading out on her dining room table. A couple of quick knocks sounded at door and she glanced over at the time, surprised. She made a couple of last notes before walking towards the knock, tucking her pen behind her ear. At the sight of a mussed and red-eyed Alex through the peephole, she yanked open the door.<p>

"What happened?" she asked, panic seeping into her voice, her stomach plummeting. "What's wrong?"

Alex walked past her. "Nothing happened," she replied evenly. "Everything's fine."

Liz followed her into the dining room, where the younger attorney dropped her keys and phone onto the table, casually fingering the documents in front of her.

"You don't look fine," Liz implored, her cadence measured. "Is this about tomorrow?"

Alex scoffed, hitting the back of a chair with her hand. "Why does everything have to be about tomorrow? Or this goddamn trial? When's the last time you asked me about something normal? The weather?"

Liz appraised her, running her eyes over the half ponytail, the cloudy eyes, the disheveled clothes. "I was just about to have some tea," she said, though the thought hadn't crossed her mind. "Would you like some?"

Alex shook her head, and instead picked up the glass of wine, taking a long sip. "This is fine."

Liz pursed her lips, but headed into the kitchen anyway, tossing a question over her shoulder. "Is Olivia working late?"

She heard an ironic laugh rip from Alex's lips. "No, she's not. Although she probably should be, to make up for all the free therapy she's been getting."

Liz filled a kettle, pacing it on the heat of the stove, and returned to the dining room, taking note that Alex had polished off the glass of wine. She took it from her hands and set it on the table, putting a hand on the attorney's arm and leading her into the living room. She pushed her gently onto the couch and took a seat beside her. "You're drunk, you look like shit, and you're not making sense. You want to tell me why you're here?"

Liz watched as the attorney's eyes closed off for a moment, her features hardening. She recognized the look, and pushed further. "Alex, what the hell is going on?"

Her lip trembled, and the younger attorney looked away, focusing her gaze on the city that glared outside of Liz's window. "This isn't the way this is supposed to go," she said, helplessly. "She was supposed to need _me." _

"Alex, what are you talking about?"

The blonde head dropped, and Alex stared at her hands. "Olivia's been discussing… everything… with Jessica Flanagan. She's been talking to her more than she's been talking with me."

Liz nodded upwards, comprehension flooding her eyes as she watched the younger attorney attempt to sort through her own words. "That makes you angry?" she asked.

Alex shook her head slowly, the blue eyes looking back up at Liz, suddenly clear. "I wanted it to," she said. "I desperately wanted to feel angry. Even betrayed. But I just felt... loss."

"Olivia's always taken care of people, you know that. If she was able to gleam some support from Jessica Flanagan, then so be it. It doesn't change the way she is toward you." The kettle whistled from the kitchen, and Liz placed a steadying hand on Alex's thigh as she rose from the couch.

Alex found it easier to talk to the empty space, her words trailing Liz into the next room. "I lost it on her tonight. I found out this afternoon, and as soon as she walked in the door, I felt that sense of loss, and I was so angry at myself. She should have been able to talk to me, but she can't - I'm not supporting her at all through this, Liz." Her eyes settled onto her boss as she returned, carrying two steaming mugs. She set them both on the coffee table, and turned her attention fully back to the woman next to her, whose voice had now become ragged with emotion.

"Alex, you're exhausted," she said, all too familiar with the bags under the younger woman's eyes, the increasing thinness of her body. "You're both tired, and that's not helping either of you."

Alex shook her head. "Liz, she doesn't even know who I am anymore. All she sees is this – this – rambling, crazed _victim_. But this isn't me. I just want to reach in and find the old me – the one that she knows, and I can't – " she cut her voice off, taking a shaky breath – "I _hate_ this person," she said, ramming her balled fist into her lap. "I'm turning into a monster." The words were merely a whisper, but they sent a shiver down Liz's spine, and she felt the same powerlessness that she had felt the first night in the hospital.

"Alex, you're no monster. You're resilient, and you're too strong to let this ruin something that you've worked so hard to build." She watched as the blue eyes in front of her rolled to one side, as if signaling surrender. Liz reached out and cupped Alex's face with her hands, turning the resigned face towards her. "Alex, I love you like a daughter…" the blonde dipped her head at the words, as if undeserving, but Liz kept her hands firmly framing her face, peering into the tears that spilled over the younger woman's eyelids as she continued, her own voice thin with emotion. "… and it breaks my heart to see you go through this… but I take a small comfort in knowing that you're not going through it alone. You're doing the best you can, and so is Olivia." Her own cheeks were suddenly wet, though she hadn't felt her tears. She moved a hand up to Alex's hair, tucking a blonde strand behind her ear as she stared into the depleted eyes. Her voice held a gentleness that she almost didn't recognize. "You have _got_ to get some rest. Your mind, sweetie, is just as exhausted as your body. Take something now, stay here, and I'll take you home in the morning."

The resigned eyes stilled on her for a second, the lids dropping in exhaustion as Alex nodded her ascent.

"Why don't you let Olivia know where you are?"

Alex shook her head slowly, her remorse creeping into her forehead as she felt the weight of her words, the hurt she had caused. "She doesn't want to hear from me right now, Liz."

"That's probably true. Doesn't mean she's not worrying, though." She saw Alex begin to shake her head again, but she cut her off with a sharp stare. "I've seen her worry about you, Alex, and it would be cruel to put her through that again. Just let her know you're all right."

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><p>Olivia stopped in front of the brick building that she knew all too well, and fingered the key in her pocket, pausing before slowly making her way up the steps. She stopped by her mailbox, where a cascade of letters fluttered into her hands as she opened it up. Sifting through them, but not seeing them, she headed up the flight of stairs toward her apartment, her breath tightening with every step. Standing in front of her apartment door, she pressed her forehead against the cool wood, and took a deep breath before turning the key in the lock.<p>

The bedroom was immaculate, everything in its place, and Olivia both cursed and praised Elliot for taking such good care of it. The bed was stripped of its old comforter, and in its place was something brand new, a light beige color that lightened the room. It seemed as if the apartment should be in ruins; the thought of it still standing, its mocking cleanliness, disoriented her. She fingered the books on the table beside the window, which were stacked haphazardly, and she had the sudden urge to rip everything, to trash the place that had so fucked up her life. Instead, she felt an angry sob rise in her throat, and she sank down against the wall, her stomach retching painfully with her cries. She felt her phone vibrate at her hip, saw the name on the screen, flashing persistently. She hated the sudden, blinding relief she felt, and pressed the phone to her ear.

"Are you back at home?" she said. A month ago, she would have simply ignored the call, but that casualness, that irresponsibility had long passed, replaced by a constant fear. She had to know Alex was all right.

_"Yes. Liz is here. I - I - Where are you?"_

"Good." She ignored the question.

_"Olivia, come back..? I'm sorry. Where are you?"_

Her irrational fear calmed, she felt the sudden urge to hang up. "Alex, I'll see you tomorrow at the courthouse. I'll be there." The words sounded hollow, uttered from a vacuum of obligation, and she hung up, sliding the phone away from her and placing her head in her hands.

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><p><strong>Review... please. <strong>


	28. Chapter 28

**Wednesday, August 10**

The precinct was quiet, the new morning sun just beginning to waft through the blinded windows, casting shadowy bars across the pale floor. Alex nodded toward two officers who sat at their desks, one with his head down toward his computer, the other running a hand across a pair of tired eyes. She moved past the set of gray lockers, stepping through a narrow hallway before stopping outside of the crib door, which she had visited only twice, neither being exceptionally pleasant. This visit wouldn't be drastically different. She exhaled, hesitation seeming to weight down her fist as she moved it up towards the door, knocking timidly. "Olivia?" Her voice was quiet, and she hoped that the detective would be the only one attempting to get some sleep in the small room. Rather than wait for a response, she turned the knob, but before she could push it open, it slung away from her, and Olivia appeared, a hand resting on the edge of the door frame. Redness framed her puffy eyes, and her cheeks were muddled with dried tears. Alex worked to move her lips, but Olivia's appearance brought back her hurtful words from the night before, and she felt a new shame tightening her throat.

"I thought I would find you here." Alex's words were thin, and she cleared her throat, still standing apprehensively at the threshold.

Olivia didn't smile, and her words were cheerless even as she tried to lighten her tone. "Cheaper than a motel room. One of the perks of the job."

Alex looked down at her hands, and seemed surprise to notice the canvas bag that she held, even though she had taken great care to prepare it that morning. She handed it tentatively up to Olivia, all too aware that it was a measly peace offering. "I brought you some clothes. Just in case you didn't have any here…"

Olivia stared at the bag for a moment. In her haste to leave her apartment the night before, she hadn't remembered to collect anything, her mind turning her surroundings into horrific images, bursts of tragic memory. Her throat had been raw from her choked sobs before she finally managed to pull herself up off the floor and get herself into a cab. She took a breath, and reached over, her hands brushing Alex's fingers lightly as she accepted the bag.

Alex peeked around into the crib, eyeing the empty cots behind her. "Can I come in?" she asked.

Olivia shook herself out of stupor, her lack of sleep impairing her into a waking slumber. "Of course," she replied, stepping aside. "I can't promise complete privacy, but I doubt anyone will disturb us." She placed the bag onto the cot she'd slept on, but didn't rifle through it. She turned, looking expectantly at Alex, who, even in her usual power suit and heels, still seemed out of her element, as if she were caught in a film without a script.

"Were you here all night?"

The brunette gauged the question, hesitating for a moment, not sure whether she should share the details of her night. She shrugged her hesitation from her shoulders. "I went by my apartment."

Alex's lips parted, illustrating her surprise, but she recovered quickly. "How was that?"

"Hard."

Alex resisted the urge to close the gap between them and place her hands around the detective's shoulders; that would be too easy of a response, and she owed the woman in front of her more than that. She stood silently for a moment, taking in Olivia's slumped shoulders, the exhaustion that consistently plagued the crease between her eyes. She began to speak, but her voice was nothing. She exhaled, and tried again. "Olivia, I owe you an apology."

The brunette put up a hand to stop her, shaking her head. She didn't need to hear apologies, and she wasn't entirely sure either of them had been out of line the night before. The only thing she was sure about was that she didn't exactly know how to go forward. "Alex, last night was - "

The attorney cut her off, unable to hold in her words, her tone urgent. "No - no - let me do this." She stared hard at the detective, her eyes seeming to process her thoughts before she said them. "The things I said last night, Olivia... I'm so sorry."

"Alex, you were being honest," the detective replied sadly, her mouth morphing into a crooked line, not quite a smile, not quite a frown. Still, her brown eyes held a deep sadness.

The attorney gave an adamant shake of her head. "No, I was being hurtful."

"They're not mutually exclusive, Alex." The pursed lips morphed into a sad smile.

A look of helplessness passed across the pale blue eyes, and for a moment Alex's shoulders seemed to cave, her thumb and forefinger nervously twiddling the button on her jacket as she grasped to put her thoughts into appropriate words. Olivia couldn't help but think of the button that had been found in Chandler's box of mementos, and she felt the need to sit down, but instead ran a shaky hand over her eyes.

Alex mistook her movement for something else. "You're not making this easy, are you?" She gave a slight smile, but the detective didn't meet it. "I blew things out of proportion last night. It started with Jessica Flanagan, and I had no right to rail on you like that. And then it just escalated. I - I want you to be okay. I know you're hurting, and after last night, I can't blame you for not coming to me. I - I still won't - I want you to get everything you need, whether it be from me or not." She stumbled, frustrated at the sound of her words. "This isn't coming out right," she said hurriedly, her fingers still fumbling over the button.

Olivia darted her hand out, capturing Alex's hand, pulling it away from her jacket; at the blonde's widened eyes, she worked to ease her grip. "I'm sorry." She shook her head, shaking the image out of her mind, and instead focusing on the concerned eyes.

"Olivia, are you okay?"

Rather than answer, the detective stared blankly for a moment. Alex didn't accept the silence. "Olivia, I saw the way you just looked at me," she said, her voice dangling delicately off some sort of edge. "I've seen you look at me that way before. What's happening for you? Please just talk to me." She let out a sarcastic laugh, which came out as more of a sigh. "I realize I don't have the right to ask you to share after last night, but I want to help..."

Olivia gestured towards the cot behind her. "Sit with me?" Alex opened her mouth to protest, but something in the brown eyes silenced her, and she took a seat next to the brunette, staring at her expectantly.

"Alex, what you said last night..." Olivia waited for the blue eyes to touch hers. "About being in that apartment that night..."

"Olivia, I didn't mean that - "

The detective silenced her with a serious gaze. "I think about that all the time. I think about what I could have been doing, how I could have stopped all of this... It's a fucking rabbit hole, Alex... of shame, and of guilt. You should have never been there. If only - " She looked over at the attorney, then quickly dropped her eyes down to her hands.

The attorney's eyes seemed to get smaller. "Olivia, you said it yourself last night. We don't control these things. What happened to me – to us – didn't happen because we let it. It just happened."

"You were alone."

"I'm not alone now, though." She felt the sudden need to touch Olivia, to run her fingers across the pale cheeks, distinctly different from her normally olive-hued tone. "I don't know what I would do without you here," she said, vulnerability deepening the faint lines in her forehead. "This isn't the way I planned it. For us. But I can't imagine not having you here. I don't want you to look at me and see shame... or anger... or helplessness. I don't feel those things when I look at you."

Olivia hesitated, but then she gave a small smile, and clenched her fingers tighter around Alex's hand. "I don't see that. When I'm with you, all I see is... you. The same strong, passionate... stubborn... woman that I fell in love with." She paused. "I'm in this for the long haul with you. I just want you to let me in... the good, the bad, the hurtful... let me in on all of that. Otherwise I just go down my own hole."

Alex ran a finger up and down Olivia's hand, peering thoughtfully down at it, as if reading her palm. "I started seeing Joyce, because I was afraid to talk about it with you. I knew you were hurting, too, and I didn't want to make it worse by confessing all of these horrible thoughts." She hung her head for a moment. "Wishful thinking. Turns out I was even more hurtful." She chewed her lower lip for a second, contemplative. "But this is helpful, right? Talking like this?"

"I think so."

Alex nodded, confirming her own words. "Jessica mentioned that you might see a counselor?"

"There's a support group. For spouses, partners. I think I'll try it out." She gave a short smile, her brown eyes already apologetic. "But, I'm not promising anything."

Alex shook her head. "I'm not asking for any promises. Whatever you need. If you get more out of talking with Elliot, or Jessica, then so be it. I just want you to be okay."

Olivia allowed herself a moment to look over at the blonde, the crisp, sincere eyes probing into her own. She leaned into the attorney. "Whatever I need, I promise I'll clue you in on what it is. No more surprises." She placed a light kiss on Alex's lips, and leaned back, studying her, an avalanche of questions suddenly tumbling down in her mind, even as she knew their time was limited. The trial proceedings would begin soon, and she would have ample to time to talk things out with Alex after the verdict had been delivered. "What about work? What's your plan?"

Alex heaved a shaky sigh at the question, something she had run over and over in her head since her first conversation about it in Liz's office. "I think I'm going to take a reassignment," she said, testing the words as they slipped from her mouth. She hadn't yet said them aloud. She looked up at the detective, apprehension running across her features. "Just until I'm ready. I honestly never want to give up SVU, Olivia. This work is too important to me. I know I can't handle it now, but... one day I'll be back."

Olivia nodded. "I'm not sure if appeals can handle a Cabot for a prolonged period of time, so that's probably for the best."

Alex let out a soft laugh, the corner of her mouth twitching up in a smile. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You haven't taken any time off. Don't you think it would be good for you?"

Olivia nodded, her eyes rolling slightly. "Cragen's already riding me about that. Elliot, too." She shrugged. "I'm going to take a few days. Not exactly sure what I'm going to do with myself, but... a few days it is."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Seems like a good time to do some apartment shopping." She smiled. "I meant what I said – I'm more than happy to help you find a new place. I've got all the time in the world for the next week, you know."

Olivia nodded, agreeing, but her smile was quickly replaced by a serious frown. "I'm not going anywhere. Whatever you need, Alex, however often you need me, however long you need me..."

Alex shushed her with a tap on her hand. "Thank you. But you _need_ a place of your own. With a nice view of the city." She sighed, her eyes glazing as she allowed herself a memory of the detective's apartment, for the first time in over a month. "I loved your view..."

Olivia nodded. "A little more storage, maybe. A shower big enough for two people..."

"Slow down, there, Liv, I know real estate agents, not miracle workers." She grinned, then glanced down at her watch, and her smile faded. "Real world is waiting for us," she said softly, her eyes darkening. She sighed, and rose from the cot, straightening her jacket, her hands automatically pulling her shirt together tighter across her chest. "I'm going to walk over to the courthouse. See if I can catch up with Liz for a minute. Bill and Helen will be here today... I'll see you over there?" She waited for Olivia's nod before turning towards the door, but Olivia caught her hand, the brown eyes staring up at her, strong and sincere.

"We're okay," she said, giving Alex's hand a squeeze. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

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><p><strong>Short update, but more to come very soon. As always, I appreciate your wonderful comments. Too slow, too fast, etc. etc. etc.<strong>


	29. Chapter 29

**Wednesday, August 10, cont.**

Liz shuffled several documents, fanning them across the prosecution table, keeping her head down in an attempt to hone her focus as the courtroom began to fill. A shadow appeared over her notes, looming larger, until Liz lifted her head. "What can I do for you, Counselor?" she asked, her eyebrow raising as she peered over her glasses at the defense attorney, who had fixed her with a scathing, unwarranted glare.

"Not a damn thing. You can enjoy your goddamn victory." Cohen shook her head, hissing under her breath. "Chandler's father isn't testifying. He called me last night after his flight had already taken off, let me know he doesn't have the heart to help defend a murderer." She spat the words from her mouth, clearly incensed that her only witness had left her hanging.

Liz cocked her head at the woman's candor, not yet taking pleasure in her disclosure, her eyes still holding suspicion as she narrowed them, slipping her glasses off her nose. "You didn't manage to scrounge up any surprises from that godforsaken church he attends, did you? You know I'll fight you on admissability."

Cohen studied her for a moment, the corner of her eye narrowing slightly, as she weighed her next words. Liz saw something akin to disgust flicker through her eyes and she wondered what else she had uncovered about her client over the course of the night that she was unwilling disclose. "I'm here to ensure my client gets a _fair_ trial," Cohen replied. "Barring that, this case is over. It's yours to lose, Donnelly." She gave Liz a pointed nod before turning on her heel and walking over to her side of the courtroom. Liz processed the comment slowly, lost in a moment of concentration, and she flinched in surprise at a hand on her shoulder. She turned quickly, catching a glimpse of Bill Hermann, who stood imposingly over her, Helen at his side, tiny by comparison.

"Jesus, Bill," she said, confusion fluttering through her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

The judge pulled his hand away from Liz's shoulder. "I talked to Alex yesterday. Told her I respected the fact that she didn't want us here when she testified, but told her we wanted to be here to support her for the last day." He squinted down at her. "I thought she would've told you we were coming."

Liz shook her head, not surprised at the omission, which seemed to be the last thing flittering through Alex's brain the night before. "Must have slipped her mind," she said, glancing towards the entrance to the courtroom. "You didn't happen to run into her, did you?"

As if on cue, the door opened and Alex walked in, flashing a tired smile at her Aunt and Uncle. Helen walked to meet her, embracing her halfway down the aisle. "Alex, sweetie, you look strong," she said, giving the attorney a comforting pat on the back as she ushered her forward.

Alex sighed, giving her Aunt a grateful smile. "Thanks, Helen. As long as I look it, that's all that matters." She opened her arms wide as her Uncle leaned down, his arms enveloping her in a tight hug. He pecked a kiss on her forehead as he released her, his blue eyes appraising her.

"Ready to see this son of a bitch fry?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex smiled back at him, appreciating his candor, something that had made him a bit of a legend in the judicial circuit, and probably where she got a little of her own gumption in the courtroom. "I'm looking forward to watching him rot in a cell," she said.

Liz glanced at the two of them in turn. "I'd appreciate it if you both would cease and desist on jinxing this case." She gave a pointed glance at Alex. "Everything all right?" she asked, her meaning apparent to the younger attorney.

"We're okay," Alex replied, repeating Olivia's earlier words, their sound comforting as she reiterated them.

* * *

><p>Olivia tugged on her suit jacket, attempting to straighten it as she pushed open the door to the courthouse. She craned her neck around her shoulder to determine the source of her twisted collar, and nearly bowled over someone standing in her path, her elbow catching the person in the chest.<p>

"Sorry - " Olivia began from sheer reflex, her features relaxing as they registered the woman in front of her. "Jessica. We have got to stop running in to each other." She smiled. "Literally."

The older blonde gave her an anxious smile, but her eyes flitted back towards the door. She clasped her hands together, then ran a nervous hand through her hair, tucking a blonde strand behind her ear. "Nevertheless," she replied, leaning over to straighten the detective's stubborn collar. "It's always good to see you." Her expression changed, and her eyes became apologetic as she returned her hands to their clasped position in front of her. "Olivia, I ran into Alex yesterday afternoon – I – I'm sorry for speaking out of turn to her."

Olivia silenced her with a shake of her head. "No apology necessary. I – we talked. Which is what we should have been doing from the beginning." She angled her head her head at the woman, and followed her gaze through the glass doorway. "Are you waiting for someone?"

Jessica's lips parted, but she hesitated, her words falling flat on her tongue. She gave an embarrassed shake of her head, hesitation in her voice. "I'm waiting for Megan," she said quietly.

Olivia tried to mask her surprise, but her response came out in the form of a question. "That's... good...?"

Jessica gave a contemplative shrug as she glanced out of the glass doors, and Olivia could see the uncertainty tense her shoulders. "Nothing's changed," she responded. "She called. Wanted to be here for the verdict." A crease ran across her forehead, and Olivia watched as Jessica worked through her own hesitation, still trying to understand it. "Nothing's changed," she repeated, as if trying to reassure herself. "I can't be weak."

"She loved you for a long time, Jessica, and still does. You can't just turn that off. Forget the mistakes, just take comfort in the fact that she wants to be here."

The older woman gave a confused shake of her head, swallowing, as she kept her eyes focused on the steps just outside the door. "I want her here."

Olivia nodded, registering Jessica's widening eyes, and once again following her gaze. Megan walked towards them, yanking open the door, her eyes harried until she caught a glimpse of Jessica, when they softened almost immediately. At the sight of Olivia, she gave an uncomfortable smile, and extended her hand cordially, attempting to keep her voice level. "Detective Benson," she said. "It's nice to see you."

Olivia met her hand, giving it a firm shake. "How are you, Megan?"

The woman shrugged, her red bangs falling softly across her forehead. "Fine," she said, her eyes drifting back towards Jessica, widening, as if she couldn't get a good enough look at her. Olivia could see the guilt etched in her face, the deep lines in her forehead, the bags under her eyes that demonstrated how much she'd worried about her former girlfriend over the past several weeks. Olivia nodded, placing a gentle hand on the small of Jessica's back. "I'm going to head inside." She gave the two women a nod and headed towards the courtroom, sighing as she went. She already felt her stomach tightening, as it always did when she knew she would be faced with a perp in court. This was no average perp, and her exhaustion was weighing on her, making her glad that it would all be over by the end of the afternoon. As she tugged open the courtroom door, she took a deep breath, which lodged in her chest at the sight of Bill Hermann, who stood imposingly near the prosecution table, even Alex's tall figure seeming diminutive beside him. Olivia walked forward, recalling her last conversation with the powerful judge, which had been at the hospital, and needless to say, tense.

Helen caught Olivia's eye first, and waved her over with a smile, giving her a warm hug, the scent of a flowered perfume wafting off of her. "Olivia, dear, how are you?"

Olivia pulled away, nodding politely at Helen, then glancing over at her husband. "I'm doing okay," she replied, trying to gauge Bill's expression, which was as blank and as unforgiving as a stone. She swallowed, then forced her voice to continue. "How are you both holding up?"

Bill took a step towards Olivia, placing one sturdy hand on her shoulder and extending the other out to her. The detective accepted it, giving it a surprised shake. "Benson," he said, his eyes serious under a pair of bushy eyebrows. "I want to thank you for your work on this case." He cleared his throat. "And for being there for Alex." His eyes slid over to his niece, almost deferently, and he took a nervous step back.

Alex glanced between her Uncle and her girlfriend, and she couldn't help but smile. "I think you've earned the Hermanns' lifetime seal of approval," she said, sliding over to Olivia and putting a hand on her arm. "Well done."

Olivia responded with an apprehensive laugh, which only made Alex's smile widen.

"I don't know about lifetime approval," Bill said, taking advantage of Alex's mirth, wanting to prolong it for as long as possible. "But you've definitely earned a seat at our table, Detective. Alex doesn't come over for dinner as much as she used to back in law school, but when she does, I expect to see you as well." Olivia nodded, understanding the emotion behind his eyes, seeing the uncertainty within them and an extreme desire to right something beyond his control.

"Thank you," she replied, her eyes belying the fact that she was grateful for more than his invitation to dinner.

"With all due respect," Liz said dryly, glancing at them. "I would appreciate it if you took your Mayberry moment away from my prosecution table. You all are destroying my game face."

Bill turned to Liz, his expression momentarily jovial. "Elizabeth, we haven't had you at dinner in awhile, either. Helen and I miss seeing you." He glanced conspiratorially over at Olivia. "This woman can put away the scotch like you wouldn't believe." He reached a cloying arm out to Liz, and she pushed him away, her lips just shy of a wry grin.

"Go. Sit. Down."

The smiles slowly disappeared as the four of them took their seats, Bill and Helen seating themselves a row behind Alex and Olivia, their expressions once again a mixture of worry and anticipation. Jessica and Megan followed soon after, their mood just as somber as they exchanged a quick hello with Alex before sliding in the row next to Olivia. A door to the left of the Judge's seat opened, and Olivia felt both Jessica and Alex tense beside her as Chandler was led in by the bailiff. She stared at him, for the first time noticing how thin he had become over the last month, and couldn't help but hope that his days were filled with a constant fear of his new surroundings. Chandler wasn't the type of guy that made friends in prison. He kept his head high as he was led over to his chair, giving a nod to his defense attorney before allowing his gaze to slide over the courtroom towards them. Olivia quickly turned her head, noticing Alex's eyes were wide as they locked onto him, fear creeping behind them. "Alex," she whispered, wanting to break the attorney's gaze. The blue eyes diverted towards her, and Olivia gave her a strong, simple smile and squeezed her hand.

Alex had felt the tremor of nausea run through her as soon as he walked into the courtroom, and she was grateful for Olivia's quick diversion. She let her finger run a small pattern across the detective's thumb, taking comfort in the warm skin as the proceedings began. Just like the first day in the courtroom, she soon realized that focusing on the words being said, the dry, clinical descriptions, the details leading up to the three assaults, were more than she could handle. Every time she felt her breath become shallow after listening for too long, she would turn inward, focusing on the mundane, the random. She tried to remember what her car driver looked like that morning, tried to remember what the headline was on the paper, which security guard operated the metal detector as she arrived at the courthouse. She shifted in her seat, crossing and uncrossing her legs, enjoying the prickling of her foot as it fell asleep. She thought of real estate contacts that she had, and tried to picture herself helping Olivia move, how their relationship would look after the trial. That's where her thoughts ended. She realized she didn't have a clue what would come after the verdict. Or what their relationship could look like outside of this tragedy. She siphoned off her sadness, and instead pictured the two of them smiling. About what, she didn't know, but it seemed to help pass the time: just picturing the two of them happy.

The sound of the gavel made her jump, and she instinctively squeezed the hand that Olivia still held, blushing slightly. She felt the detective looking over at her, expectantly, and Alex worked to bring herself back to the present, their own smiling faces drifting to the back of her mind. People seemed to be moving, shifting around her and she moved with them, rising to her feet. Olivia's hand was on the small of her back.

It was over. Now they would wait.

She saw Jessica and Megan standing, their expressions blank, and she reverted to a role that she knew all too well. She gave them a professional smile, and felt something shift inside her. "You two stay close. There's never any telling how long they'll deliberate. Liz will give you a call when they're back with a verdict."

Jessica nodded, and darted a glance over at her former partner. "I think we're just going to get something to eat downstairs. Shitty food to complement a shitty day, right?" She raised an eyebrow at Megan, and the redhead gave a nervous smile. The two turned their attention toward Liz as she walked over to them, her lips pursed in a straight line. She heaved a sigh. "Well," she began, forcing a smile onto her face. "Now we wait. I don't expect them to go long." She glanced down at her watch. "Stay close, and I'll call you as soon as they return."

Jessica nodded, but apprehension permeated her expression. "Okay, then." She pulled out her phone, checking it, as if suspicious that it would stop operating. "We'll just be downstairs." She looked over at Megan, then back at Liz, and the attorney preempted her question, giving her a comforting nod.

"I've got both your numbers. You'll hear from me, one way or another."

Jessica nodded towards Megan, nudging her into the aisle, and the two of them walked slowly out of the courtroom, just a hair's distance apart, seemingly used to their own intimacy, but still not touching each other.

"Liz, you want to grab something to eat?" Alex asked. She felt an odd sense of being okay, as if she were expecting the results of any average trial; she even felt a brief flicker of adrenaline pass through her, and she had a sudden desire to walk.

Liz shook her head, turning a pair of tired eyes onto the two of them. "No. No, I'm going to sit tight." Alex didn't quite recognize the look, but understood the tone: Liz wanted some time alone. They each handled their time before a verdict very differently. Alex usually chose to occupy herself with meaningless, last minute errands, a way to convince herself that she was in control of something, even if she could no longer influence the case.

Olivia spoke up. "At least let us bring you something back."

Liz shook her head again. "Go. I'll call you." She gestured toward the door, urging them along.

Alex began to move past Olivia toward the aisle, but she glanced back at Liz. "I'll bring you back a salad."

Olivia watched as the attorney walked quickly towards the door, and she moved to keep up with her, wondering how she could manage to move so quickly while still nursing a limp in her ankle. As they pushed open the doors to the courtroom, Alex glanced over at her. "Want to grab something and walk? I'm not sure if I want to sit still."

Olivia slipped a grin, all too familiar with the attorney's routine, having waited with her through a number of jury returns. Alex caught her smile, and raised her eyebrows, a challenging look on her face. "What?" she asked.

Olivia contained her smile, but joy flashed through her eyes at catching a glimpse of Alex's old demeanor. "You never could sit still waiting for a jury to come back."

Alex attempted to keep her expression straight, but she appreciated the exchange, which made her feel like her old self, a feeling that she relished lately. "Some things never change," she said, a glint of happiness in her eyes.

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><p><strong>Long time, no update. Hope you all are still reading. :)<strong>


	30. Chapter 30

**Descent Chapter 30**

Olivia walked slowly next to Alex, her gait matching the attorney's own as she took a sip of her coffee. They had made continuous, never ending loops through the streets surrounding the courthouse, the rush of the city keeping their minds off the wait. Olivia had offered to sit only once, after noticing Alex's slight limp becoming more prominent, but the attorney had insisted that they keep walking, her skin tight across her features. As they passed by the courthouse for the fifth time, Alex sighed, and pulled Olivia over toward the concrete steps, finally resigning. "You mind if we sit?" she asked, as if Olivia hadn't been trying to convince her to do so for the last hour.

Olivia shook her head, helping Alex ease down onto a step, the two of them sitting and watching passerby as they sipped the rest of their coffee, the sun moving slowly across the sky, marking the passage of time. Olivia's eyes landed on two older women walking down the street below them, hand in hand. She tossed her head towards them, then glanced over at Alex. "How long do you think they've been together?"

Alex's blue eyes scanned the crowd, softening as she glimpsed the two women. She smirked. "Since they burned their bras together in the 60s."

Olivia laughed. "They're sweet."

Alex glanced down at her. "You're kind of a romantic."

Olivia smiled, tossing her head. "One of us has to be."

Alex's gaze followed the two women, her tone light. "I can be romantic."

Olivia raised an eyebrow at her, but her lips curled into a crooked grin. "And you're kind of competitive, Ms. Cabot." Alex's tight features broke into a smile, sending warmth down Olivia's spine. She remembered the many times she had worked so hard for a smile when Alex first arrived as ADA, the tingling in her chest the first time she managed to melt the attorney's icy expression.

Alex's cell phone buzzed from her purse, and she sloshed her coffee in her hurry to retrieve it from her bottomless bag. Olivia reached out to hold her cup as Alex rustled, her brow creasing in frustration. Finally, she pulled the device out, her brow already furrowed as she answered. "Liz?" She nodded, and Olivia saw her visibly swallow, her shoulders tensing. "We're right outside. We'll be there in a second." Her hands were already shaking as she dropped her phone back into the bag and she glanced over at Olivia. "Jury's back. What time is it?"

"They've been out about four hours."

Alex seemed surprised. "Four hours?"

Olivia nodded. "Time flies when you're undoing your recovery on a fractured ankle."

Alex rolled her eyes, reaching her hand up for help. "It's not fractured," she said, wincing as the detective helped her to her feet.

Olivia reached down, picking up Alex's purse and handing it to her, but the blue eyes gave her pause. "What's wrong?"

The eyes seemed fixed on her, but the attorney finally found her voice. "What if it doesn't go our way?"

Olivia felt a sudden and distinct loss of words, having never experienced uncertainty from the always so self-assured attorney. Alex had always been in control when it came to a case. If anything, it was always Olivia who had done the second-guessing. She paused, pursing her lips, and gave Alex the best smile she could muster, masking her own uncertainty. "We don't worry about that right now," she replied, looking up at the courthouse. "Right now, we just put one foot in front of the other."

* * *

><p>As the jury mingled back inside the courtroom, their faces mere masks of stone, Alex felt the floor sliding out from under her. The room seemed to fill with white noise as the Judge turned to look at the foreman, and Alex could barely understand the words that she'd heard so many times before. She felt Olivia take her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze, and she tried to turn her lips into a smile, but they stayed frozen in place as the Judge's voice finally penetrated.<p>

"For the charge of murder in the second degree, what say you?"

"Guilty."

Alex's breath caught in her lungs, the lump in her throat growing larger with each guilty verdict delivered: all five counts. The room seemed to spin, and the white noise returned as the Judge spoke again, her words bleeding unintellibly through the attorney's mind. The bang of the gavel startled her, and she continued to sit, her body frozen as she stared straight ahead, unseeing, and unwilling to look over at the defense table.

* * *

><p>Olivia had felt Alex's fingers tightening around her own with each guilty verdict that slipped from the foreman's lips. As if attached to a magnet, her own eyes slipped over the room toward the defense table, and she eyed Chandler's profile, which was stonily angled towards the jury. He sat rigidly in his seat, his face composed, as if the jury had been delivering someone's else's verdict. When the forewoman sat down, she saw him exhale slightly and turn his attention back to the Judge.<p>

"Mr. Chandler, you will report hear in one week for sentencing for the crimes. Court is adjourned." The bang of the gavel didn't redirect her gaze, which was still locked on the back of the perpetrator's head. She almost felt Chandler turn in his chair before he did, his green eyes staring traight into her, as if they were glowing. She didn't see his lips curl in a smile, but felt he was grinning at her anyway. Reminding her, as if they shared their own private joke, that she was the one who got away. A shudder ripped through her, and she swallowed, the bailiff's arm reaching for Chandler's wrists the only thing breaking their contact.

The trembling inside of her hand caused her to turn her attention towards Alex, who stared ahead at some unknown point, her body beginning to shake. "Alex, sweetie," she whispered, leaning into her, rubbing small circles over the skin near her thumb. The attorney looked over at her, the blue eyes still seeming to process what had just happened. Alex gave her a pained smile, but Olivia could see the blonde grasping for emotions, unsure of what she should feel. She gave the hand another comforting squeeze, and noticed that the attorney's eyes were now focusing just next to Olivia, where Jessica and her partner sat.

Olivia turned towards the two of them, glancing down at Jessica, who sat beside her, head down, two delicate fingers wiping away several tears that had escaped from her eyes. Megan's arm was around her, her hand squeezing the blonde's shoulder. She gave Olivia a silent smile, and tipped her head down toward Jessica, placing a chaste kiss on her head.

Alex's inward smile seemed to come out in an anxious pursing of her lips, and she let her head fall gently towards Olivia's shoulder. People were already up, milling around, but the four women still sat silently, unwilling to move, to signal a shift back toward reality. Alex felt her Aunt's hands on her shoulders, giving her a comforting, patient squeeze. Alex turned, glancing over her shoulder and stretched her lips into a small smile, an action that felt increasingly difficult as her mind caught up with her surroundings. She stood, testing her legs as she leaned over and gave each of them a hug, feeling strangely empty. She'd seen families do this many times as she watched them from the prosecution table, and had assumed they had some sort of inexplicable happiness at the verdict. She now new that they simply didn't know what else to do. She unwrapped herself from her Uncle's embrace, and leaned over towards Jessica, gripping her hand and giving it a squeeze. She didn't bother to smile, and knew she didn't have to; the blankness in the older woman's eyes signaled that she wasn't entirely sure what she should be feeling, either. Alex's eye darted towards the front of the courtroom, where Liz stood, robotically stuffing papers back into her attache. "I'll be right back," she said to Olivia, sliding out of the aisle and walking slowly towards the front of the room.

* * *

><p>Something had shifted in Liz at the sound of the Judge's gavel, and she briefly made eye contact with the defense attorney, who gave her a small, respectful nod. Her eyes flitted only briefly towards Chandler, who sat stoically as the balliff approached him. She exhaled and turned towards Jamie Worth's parents, who sat in their usual spot behind her, but she had trouble making eye contact with them.<p>

"Ms. Donnelly." Mr. Worth was already rising from his seat, his eyes sad, his lips morphing into a shadow of a smile as he took Liz's hand in his own. Mrs. Worth nodded her head towards her, and her voice came out stronger than Liz expected. "You've helped us," she said.

Liz nodded, her words mechanical as she attempted to swallow the lump in her throat. "I'll be in touch about the sentencing date, in case you'd like to be here." She felt Mr. Worth's hand slip from her fingers as the couple turned, heads down, hands entertwined. Jamie Worth's roommate walked towards them from a back row, her eyes wet as she slipped into the mother's arms, both of their backs heaving with silent sobs. Mr. Worth kept walking, placing a hand over his own eyes as he moved briskly towards the door.

Liz had never felt such a desire to leave the courtroom, especially after winning a case. She made eye contact with Alex for a brief moment before turning her attention back to her attaché, piling her documents inside of it as the courtroom emptied. She hadn't realized she had paused until she felt Alex beside her. She gave the younger attorney a sideways glance, almost afraid to meet her eyes, a small, apologetic smile on her lips. "We won," she said, with a shake of her head, her slightly trembling hands stuffing another folder into her bag. Her eyes finally met Alex's, and she felt a deep sense of hollowness as she stared into the young face, the skin still smooth, but marred slightly with worry lines, a furrowed brow that hadn't been there two months earlier. A face that Liz had known for years, always innocent, always believing in justice, despite the sorrow that she encountered day in and day out. "I can't fix it," she mumbled helplessly, her lips upturning into a sad, resigned smile. "I can't fix it for you." A well of water built up in her hazel eyes and she pulled Alex towards her, encasing the taller woman into a deep embrace.

"Liz," she heard the younger blonde utter into her shoulder, but the voice trailed off, and they stood in silence for a moment, each lost in an embrace that had been a long time coming. Alex felt a deeper sense of loss rise in her, one she had failed to recognize until that moment, and she desperately wanted her mother. She felt a deep tightening in her chest, but her eyes stayed dry, and she pulled away from the older woman, and realized that, in some regard, Liz felt the same sadness.

"You going to be okay tonight?" Liz asked, her eyes wet. "Want to stay with me?"

Alex shook her head, then nodded, confusing herself as to what she really wanted. She paused, finding her voice. "Liv's staying. For now."

Liz nodded, taking some comfort in the knowledge that Alex wouldn't be alone, and turned her attention back to her documents, quickly wiping her eyes, but Alex's hand gripped her arm. She turned back towards her, and saw a new fear plastered across the blue eyes. "Alex?"

"What about sentencing? Th-they - the judge can't go light on him. Even if he's convicted for second-degree murder, Liz, he could - " she cut herself off, all too aware that she was rambling. "I – I – he wanted Olivia," she said, her chest rising, the fear expanding inside her. "He can't ever get out," she said, shaking her head vehemently.

Liz immediately placed a hand on Alex's shoulder, guiding her into the chair beside her. She pulled out her own chair and sat down, leaning over to the blonde. "Alex, by the time he gets out of prison – if he ever gets out – he'll be over 80 years old. He won't ever hurt you, or Olivia, or anyone outside of his cell ever again, I can promise you that." She peered into Alex's eyes, attempting to penetrate the fear that she saw there. Alex sat silently for a moment, and Liz could feel the younger attorney steeling herself. When she raised her head again, her eyes were blank but clear, her features poised.

"You can expect me in your office tomorrow morning," she said. "I want to talk reassignment."

Liz gave her a small smile, and patted her knee. "Alex, take it easy. Let's do lunch on Friday. Whatever you decide, I'm fully behind you."

Alex nodded, and rose from her chair, glancing down at her boss as she took a deep breath. "You coming?"

Liz looked up at her, then gazed around the nearly empty courtroom. "You go ahead," she said. "I'm going to find Bill and Helen. See if I can take partake in their Scotch collection later tonight." She gave Alex a light, but reassuring smile and nodded her head toward the door. "Olivia's waiting for you."

Alex felt a sense of relief at finding Olivia waiting for her beside the courtroom door, her arms crossed over her chest, a look that the attorney had seen her adopt many a time after a verdict: her gaze a mixture of thoughtfulness and remorse. She raised her head as Alex walked towards her.

"Do you need a moment?" Olivia asked, her brown eyes grazing over the pale face as they exited the room, the hallway outside littered with a few stragglers.

Alex nodded, but her hand reached out and gripped Olivia's. "Come with me?"

The two walked a few yards down the hallway, and Alex led them into an empty room, closing the door gently behind her. She drifted towards a window, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared out at the street below her, the people milling in and out, each dealing with their own timely tragedies, some big, some small.

"I was so sure I would feel the same after the verdict."

"Do you?"

Alex kept her gaze in front of her. "I feel a little less... alone? I don't know, it just feels so incredibly small." She shook her head, continued to stare out of the window, heaved a small sigh. "I don't want to think about how I feel... I'm just here. We're just here." Her eye caught a young couple on the street, the man harried, talking on his phone, the woman with a hand entwined in his arm, looking wistfully at the buildings around her. She felt a story rising in her chest, some cynical explanation to share with Olivia, their familiar game bringing her a brief pang of joy that seemed to force the breath from her lungs. She felt Olivia's presence settle behind her, and she knew the detective would give her ample space and time, and would come when she was needed. Alex felt a sudden weight lift from her, felt the breath rushing back into her lungs, into every part of her body, and she held her arms tighter around her chest. She didn't hear her own sob, didn't register its sound until she felt Olivia's hands on her back, sliding around her shoulders. She let her head hang for a moment before turning into the arms, burying her head into the detective's shoulder, her cries a mixture of relief, exhaustion, and sadness. She felt a flash of heaviness, of that familiar, clawing weight on her shoulders as if wanted to relieve herself from Olivia's touch, but instead she forced herself to relax into it, inhaling the scent she had become so familiar with, one that signaled safety.

Olivia felt her own eyes watering over as she ran her hands across Alex's back, not attempting to calm the sobs that the blonde heaved into her shoulder, but instead offering her a place of repose, where she could release whatever it was that caused her anguish. She pressed a kiss into the blonde hair, tightening her embrace. Olivia felt her suddenly pull away, a look of urgency in her eyes. "I – I can't promise anything," she said. "I really want you around. I need you."

Olivia pressed a kiss over the attorney's brow. "None of us is in the business of making promises," she said. She moved her lips to Alex's, pressing against them gently, intimately. "Let's just take it one kiss at a time."

Alex smiled, leaning her forehead into Olivia's. "What do we do now?" she asked, her eyes hopeful.

"Well, we can go home. Eat dinner. You never did get a chance to order that Chinese food last night." She felt Alex dip her head, felt the workings of a smile. "We can open up the windows. Listen to the city. We don't have to do anything." She placed a kiss on the crown of the blonde head. "We'll take our time."

Alex turned, and placed her lips delicately on Olivia's, returning the kiss. "Thank you." The words were small, simple, but the emotion behind them seemed immensely overpowering, and the attorney felt a familiar lump in her throat.

Olivia placed her hands along Alex's jaw. "Alex, I meant what I said. I'm not going anywhere. I... I just love you," she said simply, smiling at her own loss of words. "I'm here for no reason other than that."

Alex dipped her head, and leaned it against the brunette's chest. "You're such a romantic."

Olivia laughed as she felt Alex smile against her chest. "One of us has to be."

Alex laughed, burying her head in the detective's shoulder. Her words were a whisper, but Olivia heard them loud and clear. "I love you, too."

**The End.**

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><p><strong>We've come to the end of the line. Plus, I like to round number of 30 chapters. If people are interested, I would love to continue this story-verse, and follow this narrative further in another piece. Let me know what you think.<strong>

**Thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews and encouragement - it makes me want to keep writing, and that's a great feeling. :)**


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